Overcoming resentment of women

[serial muse]

I even shared some of my resentment and thoughts, as described in the original post of this thread, with K. She has been incredibly supportive. In fact, she made it clear that she is willing to work through them with me and help me get over them, and expressed unequivocally that she would never leave me no matter how sick and dark my thoughts about women are.

 

However, the problem keeps popping its ugly head. Even though I am very happy with K about 90 percent of the time, every once in a while, in particular when her sexual past or previous life comes up, I am overcome by a wave or resentment and anger at the unfairness of the world. I have this intense resentment towards women (particularly attractive and sexually successful ones) because I feel that life unfairly advantages them so much and affords them a buffet of sexual options whereas most men are left to suffer unwanted and frustrated as I have for so long. When this happens, K and I often end up discussing it, and she tries all she can to help me let go of this. She spends time coming up with arguments such as explaining how a lot of sex is actually a negative for women and makes them feel used rather than loved, and also explaining that even though she had a lot of sex many of the men didn't want her for more than that, and so on. She really puts in quite a valiant effort towards fixing me, and has made it clear that she will do anything to help me and will never give up or abandon me.

 

I too think this is going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. She certainly doesn't "deserve" the grueling job of countering your paranoia every time it rears its head. For now, she's taking it on, but why should she continue to do that indefinitely? Do you really feel that this person, who is apparently very kind-hearted, deserves less consideration than you do, because you feel like some other people who have nothing to do with her hurt your feelings in the past? That is crappy behavior on your part. Stop it.

 

Whatever you may think you deserve in a broader sense from the big wide world, you are not actually accepting personal responsibility in your relationship - and that is going to bite you in the ass. It's really very immature, OP.

 

Look. You are responsible for how you interact with an individual. And you are going to have to pay the piper at some point. She does not "owe" you anything, and it is absolutely not her responsibility to "fix" you - and at some point she will no longer find it cute. It likely will get old for her at some point.

 

You need to grow up, and fast, or you will lose her, and you will have no one to blame but yourself. Although I suspect, from what you've written here, that you will not see it that way - you will just add her to the ledger of people who Done You Wrong...while completely ignoring the fact that you had it coming.

 

I know you don't want to be berated - but honestly, that's a bit immature, too. You need to hear the truth, and the truth is that you need to stop punishing someone who has done you no wrong. Please, get therapy and own your shxt.

Edited July 24, 2012 by serial muse

[AD1980]

Its not a gender thing good looking people of both genders have a much easier time attracting the oppsotie sex its just part of life..

 

My good looking friend whos a guy has women fawning over him all the time and quite frankly he is kind of a arrogant ahole but women dont care because hes good looking

 

I get bitter at that sometimes because women overlook somebody like me who would treat them much better and not just bang them and dump them like him but it is what it is cant worry too much about things u cant control

[usingtheinternet]

All I see in this thread is a bunch of sexist, entitled so-called "men" suffering from Nice Guy™ Syndrome.

 

Here's the deal:

 

Just because you're "nice" doesn't mean a woman automatically has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you're intelligent doesn't mean a woman has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you buy a woman a drink doesn't mean she owes you her time, has to love you, or accept your advances. Just because you have a good job and are working towards being successful (or maybe you already are successful) doesn't mean a woman has to love you or accept your advances.

 

It doesn't mean she's a bitch. It doesn't mean that she's shallow. It doesn't make you a victim. It means that for whatever reason she's not into you and you need to get over it. Maybe she doesn't think you're attractive. Maybe she thinks you're annoying. Maybe she sees that you're a "good man" but she just doesn't feel anything other than platonic feelings for you. Maybe she recognizes that you are not a compatible match.There's nothing wrong with any of this, and you have no right to judge the women who have rejected you as being bad people.

 

Sure, there are indeed some superficial women out there who don't care about anything other than looks and money. Those are the types who will put up with horrible men just because they're after a high social status. But, despite what you think, they are not the majority.

 

Because of the gender roles most people operate under (men having to ask out women), of course men have to deal with rejection WAY more than women do. It's probably a very hard thing to deal with if you're an unattractive man or if you have low self-esteem.

 

I think one way to deal with this is to stop taking everything so personally. The woman you asked out might think you're unattractive, but you just might not be her type. For example, I personally am repulsed by the whole "guido" look. I don't like extremely muscular men with fake tans and gelled hair. And yet, there are other women out there who get weak at the knees when they see these guys. Some women like very outgoing men, while others like shy men. Some women like intellectual men, others like jocks. Everyone has something they like, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

The problem is that most men assume that being a good guy who's never killed anyone is enough to get any woman they want, when that's not true at all. If you're a shy man trying to get with a woman who prefers outgoing men, you're not going to have much luck. And it's actually extremely disrespectful to feel that she owes it to you to want you back. If she says she doesn't want you, back off and accept it. It doesn't mean she's a terrible person for rejecting you, it means she just doesn't want you that way. And that's her right.

 

Women are spoilt for choice these days and refuse to acknowledge those who would actually pair up perfectly with them.

I know that it's probably a hard concept for a misogynist to understand, but these women are better judges than you are about who would perfectly match up with them.

 

Whilst the men (ACTUALLY GOOD MEN, honourable, hard-working etc) rot away, wondering why they're so unwanted and thus the cycle begins and the resentment festers. Tis a sad society we're a part of my friend. I think the worst part about it all is that men are visual and women provide the visuals (which is mostly genetic, not choice) whilst women are more "difficult" and biologically programmed to be hypergamous, which isn't as easily achieved as looks (something you're born with).

Yeah, no. See, you are so old-fashioned and sexist that it's ridiculous. This whole "men are visual creatures and women are not" BS needs to stop. It's time for a wake-up call: WOMEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES TOO. We're not just "a little" visual either. WE'RE VERY VISUAL. You ever wonder why that fat, bald guy can't seem to get any women? Yeah, it's because he's unattractive.

 

This double-standard is extremely irritating. It was created by men to favor men. It says that you can get away with being unappealing as long as you're accomplished. Women, on the other, hand should expect to be judged by their looks and that's it. Men judging attractiveness is seen as "natural." Women judging is seen as "mean" and "cold." Men are to be valued through worth as people, while women are meant to be valued through their sex appeal.

 

This is the most telling sign of the Nice Guy™. The one who thinks most women are "shallow bitches" for caring about looks. While he thinks it's perfectly natural to tear women down for their looks, to not even bother to look beyond her attractiveness (because hey, she's just here to "provide" the visuals, right), he thinks women are evil and shallow if they do same. He thinks a nice "wholesome" (whatever the hell that means) woman who acts like she's "supposed" to will not care if he looks like a slob, or if he's fat, or if he's ugly as long as he's "nice" and respectable and hardworking. He'll look down on women he deems unappealing, while he himself is unappealing, and then he'll get angry when women who are undoubtedly above him in the looks department aren't throwing themselves at their feet.

 

Most women don't just want a guy who has a great personality, they also want a man who is reasonably attractive enough that they can genuinely desire him.

 

I know this all sounds terrible for people who struggle with their appearances, but that's the reality of life. Men care about attractiveness. Women care about attractiveness too. There are some people out there who genuinely couldn't care less about appearances, but they are the few. The rest of us do care.

 

But the bright side is that looks are subjective. Like I mentioned above, not everyone finds the same things attractive. Yes, there are certain beauty conventions that will allow some people to be seen as attractive by the majority. However, somewhere out there there truly IS a woman who will find you appealing. There are some women who like bald men. Others who like chubby men. You'll never be able to please everyone, so work on finding someone who accepts you for you are. That's the only way to be happy.

 

Like others have said, get therapy.

Edited July 24, 2012 by usingtheinternet

[SteveC80]

All I see in this thread is a bunch of sexist, entitled so-called "men" suffering from Nice Guy™ Syndrome.

 

Here's the deal:

 

Just because you're "nice" doesn't mean a woman automatically has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you're intelligent doesn't mean a woman has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you buy a woman a drink doesn't mean she owes you her time, has to love you, or accept your advances. Just because you have a good job and are working towards being successful (or maybe you already are successful) doesn't mean a woman has to love you or accept your advances.

 

It doesn't mean she's a bitch. It doesn't mean that she's shallow. It doesn't make you a victim. It means that for whatever reason she's not into you and you need to get over it. Maybe she doesn't think you're attractive. Maybe she thinks you're annoying. Maybe she sees that you're a "good man" but she just doesn't feel anything other than platonic feelings for you. Maybe she recognizes that you are not a compatible match.There's nothing wrong with any of this, and you have no right to judge the women who have rejected you as being bad people.

 

Sure, there are indeed some superficial women out there who don't care about anything other than looks and money. Those are the types who will put up with horrible men just because they're after a high social status. But, despite what you think, they are not the majority.

 

Because of the gender roles most people operate under (men having to ask out women), of course men have to deal with rejection WAY more than women do. It's probably a very hard thing to deal with if you're an unattractive man or if you have low self-esteem.

 

I think one way to deal with this is to stop taking everything so personally. The woman you asked out might think you're unattractive, but you just might not be her type. For example, I personally am repulsed by the whole "guido" look. I don't like extremely muscular men with fake tans and gelled hair. And yet, there are other women out there who get weak at the knees when they see these guys. Some women like very outgoing men, while others like shy men. Some women like intellectual men, others like jocks. Everyone has something they like, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

The problem is that most men assume that being a good guy who's never killed anyone is enough to get any woman they want, when that's not true at all. If you're a shy man trying to get with a woman who prefers outgoing men, you're not going to have much luck. And it's actually extremely disrespectful to feel that she owes it to you to want you back. If she says she doesn't want you, back off and accept it. It doesn't mean she's a terrible person for rejecting you, it means she just doesn't want you that way. And that's her right.

 

I know that it's probably a hard concept for a misogynist to understand, but these women are better judges than you are about who would perfectly match up with them.

 

Yeah, no. See, you are so old-fashioned and sexist that it's ridiculous. This whole "men are visual creatures and women are not" BS needs to stop. It's time for a wake-up call: WOMEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES TOO. We're not just "a little" visual either. WE'RE VERY VISUAL. You ever wonder why that fat, bald guy can't seem to get any women? Yeah, it's because he's unattractive.

 

This double-standard is extremely irritating. It was created by men to favor men. It says that you can get away with being unappealing as long as you're accomplished. Women, on the other, hand should expect to be judged by their looks and that's it. Men judging attractiveness is seen as "natural." Women judging is seen as "mean" and "cold." Men are to be valued through worth as people, while women are meant to be valued through their sex appeal.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree i never got that myth, women are probably more visual and shallow then Men, doing well with women and just hanging around tons of women in general got me to see how deeply women are into looks and if theyres one part of a man wheter it be physical or clothing not matching shoes etc that they dont like it can turn them off

 

Id also say that Men find more women attractive then vice versa,yes some owmen have differnt tastes but its still a small majority of men most women fawn and fantasize about

 

If men are visual women are visual on steroids ive always said

[TG1]

You need therapy man, it is the best form of medicine, and also it helps

[runningfar]

I always felt that girls who were in my league in terms of looks, success, charm, etc, always thought they were too good for me. They always rejected me, and I felt that I was unfairly forced to date girls who were clearly "less" than me by any objective measure, and I therefore built up resentment towards women.

 

....

 

, where I finally feel like I'm getting what's due to me.

.

 

Yes, therapy, and the issue isn't just resentment. There is something there that led to the resentment beforehand.

 

 

What's due?

Less than me?

 

How would you feel if a woman wrote this?

It shows more how you think of yourself, and what you think of woman's worth as a gender, verse any experience in your life.

[Quiet Storm]

Life is not fair, and expecting it to be is just going to make you feel angry inside.

 

We all can agree that the world would be a better place if it were fair. But it's not. We should base our expections in reality, not fantasy.

 

You may feel this way due to your upbringing. Not sure of your age, but many kids in the 80s or 90s were raised by parents on a self esteem parenting kick. Parents showered their kids with compliments and positive feedback, which feels awesome at the time but leaves kids unprepared for the real world. There was a quest to make everything "fair". Kids on losing teams got rewarded with trophies, every kid won a ribbon in the science fair, etc. Again, it feels good to be rewarded, but those parenting methods left many people unprepared to enter a world that just doesn't work that way.

 

Would it be fair to make women date men they are not attracted to, just so that things were even? Just like you did not want to date "down", they did not want to date "down" either.

 

For most women, attraction is not a logical process. We could have a checklist of all the qualities we want, find a man that meets them all, and yet still not be attracted. Similar looks, qualities and accomplishments mean nothing if the "chemistry" is not there. If a woman does not feel that underlying sexual attraction, none of that matters. For women, relationships are so much more about feelings and emotional connection, than they are about finding a man with similar traits, looks or accomplishments. You can be mad about it, but it's just the way it is, fair or not.

 

You feel that you are entitled, and it's fine to feel that way, but you will end up disappointed. It will make for a happier life if you can find a way to appreciate what you do have, and not expect life to be fair.

 

Adjust your expectations to reflect the world as it is, and not how you wish it would be.

[KungFuJoe]

There are insecurities that are probably at the root of your resentment towards women.

 

Seems the common denominator is that those who feel resentment were not successful with women early in life and only til later found things got better. But now that things are gravy, you despise that "all women just had it easy and I had to work for it". Truth is, you feel that way because you still feel, in some way, not good enough for women. I know you won't see it that way...you'll say that you have the utmost confidence and that your women fawn upon you, but that's how it is. Jealousy in any form is usually caused by some form insecurity. And that's what you feel. Jealous.

 

Unfortunately, because jealousy is a purely innate emotional response, "controlling" it is very difficult to do. I honestly would suggest the op and others like him seek out therapy because it will continue to haunt you in every relationship you ever get into.

[Ruby Slippers]

Think about the time when K gives birth. Will you be wanting to trade places with her then? Think about pregnancy, morning sickness, stretch marks, giving birth, and so on.

 

How about once she passes a certain age and no longer gets lots of attention from men - while you're getting lots of attention from many women who want some of what you've got?

 

Generally speaking, dating comes more easily to women from about 18-35. For men, it's more like 30-45.

 

In the end, we all get a fair balance of joy and pain.

[ScreamingTrees]

Seems the only thing that he's mentioned often in this thread is that his resentment stems from the fact that he hasn't had as much sex as he'd have liked when he was younger.. Honestly, does it mean that much to you?

 

I say to let it go, mate. It's not as big of a deal.. (As you're making it out to be, at least..)

[jobaba]

 

Generally speaking, dating comes more easily to women from about 18-35. For men, it's more like 30-45.

 

I have no idea where people get the idea that it gets easier for men in their 30s and 40s.

 

You think it's easier for dudes who are bald and 30 pounds overweight?

 

Maybe if you are rich, but you have to be pretty rich.

 

I'm in that age group and I haven't seen any guys do significantly better than when they were in their 20s. All the successful guys I know did their damage from their mid 20s to early 30s.

[dasein]

I only read the thread title. AFAIK, the only way to overcome resentment of women is to beat it out of them.

[OhMiki]

All I see in this thread is a bunch of sexist, entitled so-called "men" suffering from Nice Guy™ Syndrome.

 

Here's the deal:

 

Just because you're "nice" doesn't mean a woman automatically has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you're intelligent doesn't mean a woman has to like you or accept your advances. Just because you buy a woman a drink doesn't mean she owes you her time, has to love you, or accept your advances. Just because you have a good job and are working towards being successful (or maybe you already are successful) doesn't mean a woman has to love you or accept your advances.

 

It doesn't mean she's a bitch. It doesn't mean that she's shallow. It doesn't make you a victim. It means that for whatever reason she's not into you and you need to get over it. Maybe she doesn't think you're attractive. Maybe she thinks you're annoying. Maybe she sees that you're a "good man" but she just doesn't feel anything other than platonic feelings for you. Maybe she recognizes that you are not a compatible match.There's nothing wrong with any of this, and you have no right to judge the women who have rejected you as being bad people.

 

This entire post is nearly perfect and was exactly what I wished to say to the OP.

 

The bottom line is that for very few people in the world, relationships/sex comes more easily to them, but for a great majority of people in this world -- men and women -- it takes some time and a few hardships along the way in order to achieve that. It doesn't make the time where we do achieve those things lesser than others who've had a presumably 'smoother' time at it, and it doesn't make you a lesser quality person either.

 

You're your own person, and by your own experience, OP, you'll find that judging yourself by other people's standards or constantly comparing yourself to them (especially if they're of the opposite sex) is for the most part detrimental and not helpful to maintaining any amount of happiness/confidence for a long period of time.

 

Likewise, I don't think this should be a gender-related problem. A woman can have all the degrees, kindness, and amazing personality that she wants, but if a particular man does not find her appealing or attractive and doesn't feel that intangible 'chemistry', then it's unlikely that he will consider her. Yes, it's not the best feeling in the world, but it happens to everyone at some point. And there will come a time where if you're patient and keep working at it, something will come of it.

 

I think, though, to complain after you've finally achieved what you've wanted for so long is a bit confusing. Again, why tarnish the result with what's happened in the past? That's like a previously starving homeless person finally getting a job and being able to afford a home, yet getting jealous of other people who have never really been in that exact situation and wishing they had been homeless or suffered just like them. But even if you do feel that jealousy, why on Earth would you wish it upon someone else? Their life is just that, theirs, and just because they didn't experience 100% what you went through, doesn't mean they should. They have their own battles to fight. Nor does it mean that they can't also try to understand, empathize, and help those who have gone through hard times.

 

So, yes, OP, look into the option of therapy, as your girlfriend cannot always be the one to help fix you. You need to take responsibility for who you are and try to get past this. Though I think if many people actually looked at things from a deeper perspective, rather than from one where the world is constantly against them and doing them wrong, many would realize that a lot of one's problems come from expecting the world to owe them something when it just doesn't work that way for several reasons.

[ladyabstrused]

Agree a lot with the other posters here..and especially with OhMiki above as I was thinking the same while I was reading the other posts.

 

Try not to compare yourself to other people, especially to her. You can't compare your life to anyone else's because we are all different in terms of background, culture, parenting and personalities.

 

Every time you find yourself comparing you and your experiences to her or others, stop and just think, it's not a justified comparison and nothing good will come out of the comparison. Just go with the flow, live life as you have one now. Be grateful for what you already have and stop dwelling on what you don't have. Honestly, there's beauty in every thing. It's just a matter of picking it out and identifying it. It's a good thing you didn't have three times as many women to bang compared to the number of guys she's had sex with. Just look at it in a positive way.