FordFocus Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 Hey all, new to forum My Girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months and I'm currently in the process of saving up for an Engagement ring. Now before I ask her I'm planning on her asking Dad (and Mum, I assume I'll do it at the same time) for permission, I'm not religious or anything but to me it seems the right thing to do. I've spoke to a few people and they told me that they just told there parents when they actually engaged instead of actually asking the Dad(or parent/guardian) I guess its a personal thing but i'd find it disrespectful if the guy who wanted to marry my daughter didn't tell me about it before hand, maybe i'm old fashioned (I'm 24 ) in the sense? Anyway I was just wondering did you ask "permission" before you got married? be interesting to here peoples opinions on this. Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Here's a cute moment of a guy asking his future father inlaw for permission 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) My H is from a culture where this is the norm, so he initially wanted to ask my father, but due to various reasons (living in different parts of the world, etc), it didn't happen. Personally, if my H had been from my own culture, I would not have wanted it. It's not up to my father to allow me to marry or not. I think the respectful thing to do is that parents are told by the couple together, or by their own child on her/his own, when the decision has been made. Alternatively, of course, the child might ask for their parents advice and input prior to the decision. But I think the distinction between 'informing/discussing with' and 'asking permission' is important here. ... and welcome to LS and congrats on the upcoming engagement Edited July 9, 2012 by denise_xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I am 0 for 2 in asking permission. It was never really important to me nor the father in question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) No, my dad is one of those types that wouldn't be satisfied with anyone my brother and I chose. Getting married is a decision between two adults, so why the need for parental permission? You could always opt for announcing your engagement and then asking for both her parent's blessing. I mean be honest, if the man says no, do you think you will end up not marrying her? Edited July 9, 2012 by pink_sugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I honestly think it is waaay to old fashioned to ask a dad if it is ok to marry his daughter. That and I think pink_sugar's Dad is a douchebag so I never asked him. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 It used to be done in my country. Commies and moving to the city for most of the population brought it out of style. Sometimes it is still done in remote villages. I was born in the city and i only feel comfortable being in a big metropolis. That being said, if i knew my future FIL was a standup guy and ok with the ideea of us getting married, i would ask him for permission ... he's going to walk her down the aisle anyway, right ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 he's going to walk her down the aisle anyway, right ? Depends a bit on the context. Where I live it's less common these days, and it's not common where my H is from. Link to post Share on other sites
revenant Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I think it really depends on what she's like and how great her relationship is with her dad. If I had a boyfriend who did that I would lose quite a bit of respect for him, it's MY answer that should matter not my dad's, but perhaps that's just my odd opinion. It might be considered old fashioned but as I say, it depends, it might really boost her parents opinion of you which is always good 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I think it really depends on what she's like and how great her relationship is with her dad. If I had a boyfriend who did that I would lose quite a bit of respect for him, it's MY answer that should matter not my dad's, but perhaps that's just my odd opinion. It might be considered old fashioned but as I say, it depends, it might really boost her parents opinion of you which is always good That's another reason ... you are marrying her family too, weather you like it or not. I've seen quite a few marriages that were destroyed because the parents got involved. I see the process as more of a 'hey, i intend to marry your daughter'. If they have a good relationship and he's an ok guy, common courtesy doesn't hurt. Plus, if you look at the wedding itself, if he walks her down the aisle [done here sometimes], and her changing her name to yours ... well, they are vestiges of a time when the girl was 'given away' [6-7 decades ago it involved a dowry too]. Over here this wording is still used, but it doesn't carry the connotation that it carries in the west [in US it would feel quite dirty]. In some villages there are still games being played around this. I remember in one of them some of the guys 'kidnap' the girl [with her consent obviously ... it's tradition], and the groom-to-be must organise a rescue party [no-one gets hurt physically ... it's just tradition]. Anyway, maybe things are different in your cultures ... maybe the ppl who post here should mention how things are in their culture and where it is located [balkans here, Eastern Europe]. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 My fiance talked to my dad first, but it wasn't really to ask for permission. My fiance and I had already been talking about it and had been shopping for rings, so it wasn't a matter of my father deciding on my behalf. It was more an announcement of intentions. It's not as if my fiance would've refrained from asking me had my dad not been happy about it. My fiance did it as a gesture of good will to my Old World family and as a nod to my family's traditions. My dad and I are close, so I thought it was sweet of my fiance to go through this little formality out of respect to my family. It is old fashioned, but I'm a believer in keeping traditions you like and doing away with those you don't. To me, this particular tradition is divorced from its original meaning as much as the white dress and "who gives this bride away?" are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 That's another reason ... you are marrying her family too, weather you like it or not. I've seen quite a few marriages that were destroyed because the parents got involved. I see the process as more of a 'hey, i intend to marry your daughter'. If they have a good relationship and he's an ok guy, common courtesy doesn't hurt. Plus, if you look at the wedding itself, if he walks her down the aisle [done here sometimes], and her changing her name to yours ... well, they are vestiges of a time when the girl was 'given away' [6-7 decades ago it involved a dowry too]. Over here this wording is still used, but it doesn't carry the connotation that it carries in the west [in US it would feel quite dirty]. In some villages there are still games being played around this. I remember in one of them some of the guys 'kidnap' the girl [with her consent obviously ... it's tradition], and the groom-to-be must organise a rescue party [no-one gets hurt physically ... it's just tradition]. Anyway, maybe things are different in your cultures ... maybe the ppl who post here should mention how things are in their culture and where it is located [balkans here, Eastern Europe]. I'm from the U.S. and I also agree that the parental consent does date back to when women went from the property of the father to the husband, hence the changing of the last name. I didn't change my last name and I had my stepfather walk me down the aisle because my dad would never have been in favor of my relationship. Oh well, he's not the one marrying my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I can see both sides. But I agree with the poster about intentions. I am from Boston originally, not the middle east (fortunately). My parents knew it was up to me because your right, we are not property. They told him it was up to me. But I think they enjoyed the sincere discussion of "I love your daughter, I want to marry her and you seem like a great family". A son-in-law has a relationship with her parents as well and it sets things off to a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I didn't ask my future FIL, and my relatively new SIL didn't ask me (which is a good thing since I would've been tempted to tell him to take a hike), but if a future SIL were to ask me, I think I'd feel very honored. So yeah, great way to get things off to a great start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TG1 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Yes I agree, you should propose to your girlfriend and when you do, and she accepts, then you announce your engagement to your parents and see what they have to say about it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Well at age 25+ (assuming I'll be slightly older by the time I get engaged), I would feel weird if a man asked my father for permission. I guess that would depend on the woman's age. Maybe it would have been great if I were 19 or 20 but now!! Nope What you can do if simply ask her instead and then announce it to her family. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 If it was you, i'd ask the one in the avatar ... it's quite a fearsome pose. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Well at age 25+ (assuming I'll be slightly older by the time I get engaged), I would feel weird if a man asked my father for permission. I guess that would depend on the woman's age. Maybe it would have been great if I were 19 or 20 but now!! Nope What you can do if simply ask her instead and then announce it to her family. I agree. I think a better way is to sit down as a couple with each family, tell them you are planning to get married (rather than asking) and just say you would appreciate their blessing and support. Link to post Share on other sites
Devon5 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Your decision about asking for permission to your girlfriends parent is very good. I like your decision. Really its very disrespectful if any guy don't takes permission to marry his girlfriend from her parents. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Your decision about asking for permission to your girlfriends parent is very good. I like your decision. Really its very disrespectful if any guy don't takes permission to marry his girlfriend from her parents. You're entitled to your own opinion, but it's an outdated tradition. In the end you are marrying your gf, not her parents. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful4someday Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 Hey all, new to forum My Girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months and I'm currently in the process of saving up for an Engagement ring. Now before I ask her I'm planning on her asking Dad (and Mum, I assume I'll do it at the same time) for permission, I'm not religious or anything but to me it seems the right thing to do. I've spoke to a few people and they told me that they just told there parents when they actually engaged instead of actually asking the Dad(or parent/guardian) I guess its a personal thing but i'd find it disrespectful if the guy who wanted to marry my daughter didn't tell me about it before hand, maybe i'm old fashioned (I'm 24 ) in the sense? Anyway I was just wondering did you ask "permission" before you got married? be interesting to here peoples opinions on this. I'm 29 and a girl and hoping to get engaged pretty soon. I've thought about this and concluded that I do want my boyfriend to ask my dad first. Even though I'm definitely an adult and capable of making my own decisions (and plan to marry him even if my dad for whatever reason said no -- which I am about 100% sure he wouldn't do), I am an only daughter and I think it's respectful to my dad to have him involved. It's not about religion or anything else, but it's a special moment for dad too and I think it's the right thing to do. That being said, if dad hates you and there's a chance he will say no, you may garner more respect from him at least by declaring your intention to propose to him before approaching her. That way he can still have a say, but you aren't relying on his approval to move forward. If he totally hates you, you might want to skip it entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted August 14, 2012 Share Posted August 14, 2012 I would not want my boyfriend to do this if we ever did decide to get married. I don't need my dad's permision to get married and would be kinda weirded out if my boyfriend ever did ask him that. It seems to be way to old fashioned for me, makes me feel like they think they woman can't think for herself and needs her boyfriend/dad/husband to give her permision to do things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 14, 2012 Share Posted August 14, 2012 I wonder if the girls that said they would be ok with their bf asking their dad for permission/informing ahead of time of proposing, take some sort of ... comfort in feeling that they 'belong' to that guy. I mean, i keep getting told that women like 'belonging' to a guy, feeling protected and safe around him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 14, 2012 Share Posted August 14, 2012 (edited) When we were dating my husband told me that before he decided to propose he would ask my dad for permission. And he did. The day before he proposed he called my dad (he was in another state) and asked permission. He was so nervous that he started out by asking him about the weather! He finally came out and said it and then told me that he was anxious that he passed out on the bed after hanging up the phone! We are older, I was 27, my husband 28 when we got engaged. I wouldn't have had it any other way, I liked that he asked my dad and my dad did as well. It showed him that my husband was respectful, sweet, and considerate. So I would advocate for the guy asked father's permissoin. Of course, my husband is very traditional, he really wanted me to take his name, wanted the traditional ceremory, ect. Edited August 14, 2012 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 14, 2012 Share Posted August 14, 2012 I wonder how the ladies of this thread that were against their guy asking their dad's permission would feel if he were to ask for a dowry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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