I'm pregnant bf still won't leave wife... Feeling lost.

[Alice2012]

You don't have to. That is your right. But the thing is that you do not know the woman, neither do I and you can't make assumptions on her life like it is a known fact to you.

She is here and she will be given advice based on the information she provides us.

 

I'm very sorry, I'm not here to start an argument but it irks me to see Yellow Shark, who by the way I remember from my own thread when I was in the same situation, saying the same things ''well if you hadn't had an affair, well if you had used a condom, well if you hadn't been this stupid...etc''. Thank you Captain Obvious. It doesn't provide anything constructive other than stuff everyone already knows and it makes people defensive.

 

I get that, but this is the other woman forum, not the pregnancy forum.

 

It's an affair. Not only is it an affair, but she's having delusional thoughts about this guy leaving his wife. The affair and her behavior (past, present and future) needs to be addressed, no?

[joyce14brown]

The OP used condoms that didn't "work" and neither did the IUD???

 

Based on everything she's written about this relationship and her feelings (particularly her obvious delusions about him leaving his wife), I'm not buying the accidental pregnancy claims.

 

yeah a 20 year old student at a prestigious school aspiring to be a doctor ttcs a pregnancy to make achieving her goal harder along with not family friend or partner support. That's pretty self destructive

 

my main issue is if anything can be done I think I'm realizing it's beyond repair. I'm considering telling him what I feel. And I have but idk it's like I've heard everything nothing's going to hange him

[UpwardForward]

Noelle, I'm so grateful for your participation in threads such as this. You really took a bashing in your threads leading up to the birth of your daughter.

 

OP, As others have said, don't rely on the MM's participation. Take care of yourself and your baby.

 

When the time is appropriate find an attorney and seek child support.

 

It's never too late to dump a bad investment (the MM), in order to secure a better future for yourself and child.

[MissBee]

100% agreed. He manipulated you and coerced you into doing what was best for HIM. I know it well, my xMM tried to do the exact same thing.

 

I don't know whether or not you've told him about this pregnancy, but please make sure that this time you put your own interest ahead of everything else and make a decision based on that.

 

From my own experience, as a mother to a 16 month old that I have with xMM, he wasn't someone to rely on in this situation. I don't know about your MM but based on past performance...

 

Look, it is a big shock and keeping this baby will turn his life upside down. He might have said that he would separate, he might have even actually thought about it and considered it but when reality hits he is probably going to be terrified. You need to be prepared for that and you need to face the fact that he will be basing his feeling on your pregnancy on how it will affect his life. Divorces are not easy and they are even less easy under these sort of circumstances.

 

The thing is that based on his reaction, at least you will be certain where you stand on his list of priorities in life and how honest he really was. I know that when I got pregnant and all hell broke lose it was actually a real eye-opening experience, the happy bubble had burst.

How do you feel about this pregnancy? Would you ever consider single motherhood?

 

 

Joyce please read and re-read noelle's post.

 

I think your second pregnancy should be a wake-up call to truly open your eyes and see where you stand on this MM's list of priorities. I mean, it seems obvious to me that it's not high up, but maybe you need to witness for yourself his reactions and how he is when the going gets tough. Not only that, but where you stand in your own life and what are you REALLY doing with him? I'm sure you've not envisioned your pregnancy or life this way...most people don't imagine that they will be in an affair, have the man they supposedly love tell them to have an abortion or he will leave, miscarry, get pregnant again while they are still waiting for him to leave his wife...nobody wants that I imagine. I think this is a wake up call to really look at what you're doing with him, what you're "investing" in and waiting on and perhaps start making some new decisions and taking your life in a new direction. You're still young....all isn't lost, you may have invested way too much already in a POOR situation and dead-end...but it's not too late to opt out of it and move on to something that actually gives you a return. 2 years is not that long in the grand scheme of things....however, time adds up..look at the reality of who he is, where you are, and how close is he to actually leaving? Consider that before you spend another 2, 4, 6 more years or add anymore babies to the mix.

[UpwardForward]

Noelle, I'm so grateful for your participation in threads such as this. You really took a bashing in your threads leading up to the birth of your daughter.

 

OP, As others have said, don't rely on the MM's participation. Take care of yourself and your baby.

 

When the time is appropriate find an attorney and seek child support.

 

It's never too late to dump a bad investment (the MM), in order to secure a better future for yourself and child.

 

And to begin a new life.

[Alice2012]

yeah a 20 year old student at a prestigious school aspiring to be a doctor ttcs a pregnancy to make achieving her goal harder along with not family friend or partner support.

 

 

But you're now implying that you have this great head on your shoulders in order to deflect criticism . . . but here you are having a years-long affair with a married man, expect him to leave his wife and you're on your second pregnancy with him.

 

If you think you don't need any sort of help with figuring out WHY you are doing this, then I don't know what to tell you. I hope for your child's sake, you end this affair immediately.

Edited June 24, 2012 by Alice2012

[darkmoon]

never mind joyce, you've got your whole life in front of you, you're not even half way thru - you have lots of choices

[frozensprouts]

Op,

 

what do you think would be the best thing for the baby? ( not what's best for you, or for the married guy)...

 

Do you feel that you want to be a single parent? Do you feel you can place your child for adoption? Right now, based upon your posts, those are your two options.

 

I can't speak to being a sigl;e mom, a i have never been one, but I can speak t placing your child for adoption.

 

It was really difficult and so very heart wrenching. but i know i did the right hing for the baby. She was adopted by a loving couple, and has had a good life. She found me a few years ago, and we wrote back and forth. she is happy, but she has had some issues ( genetic), and i can tell you that raising my three kids has shown me that I would have been in no position to be a good parent to a child at that time in my life.

I did the right thing for her, but i was so very hard.

 

What do you feel is the right thing to do for your future child?

[YellowShark]

I'm not here to start an argument but it irks me to see Yellow Shark, who by the way I remember from my own thread when I was in the same situation, saying the same things ''well if you hadn't had an affair, well if you had used a condom, well if you hadn't been this stupid...etc''. Thank you Captain Obvious. It doesn't provide anything constructive other than stuff everyone already knows and it makes people defensive.

 

I know. I am the virtual anti-christ for saying affairs are stupid and universally regarded as bad, and getting prego TWICE during the same affair is nuts. How dare I say such things!

 

And I do not buy the "safe sex" claim in this thread. To become pregant TWICE using birth control is astronomically impossible. Once, sure... that happens.. Twice? Sorry, not buying that.

[UpwardForward]

I know. I am the virtual anti-christ for saying affairs are stupid and universally regarded as bad, and getting prego TWICE during the same affair is nuts. How dare I say such things!

 

And I do not buy the "safe sex" claim in this thread. To become pregant TWICE using birth control is astronomically impossible. Once, sure... that happens.. Twice? Sorry, not buying that.

 

But you and a few others just wish to grind away at the past, as digging your heels in the dirt trying to establish your footing.

 

It's not helpful and in encouraging the OP to move forward anew.

 

There's nothing we can do about our pasts .. excepting to leave the chains behind.

[MissBee]

But you and a few others just wish to grind away at the past, as digging your heels in the dirt trying to establish your footing.

 

It's not helpful and in encouraging the OP to move forward anew.

 

There's nothing we can do about our pasts .. excepting to leave the chains behind.

 

I agree.

 

I think everyone, including the OP realizes that this is not a shining moment, I assume that that is a large part of why she is here to begin with. Pointing out the obvious and what she should have done doesn't help much with what she can do now and in the future.

 

So beating a dead horse in that regard just makes you look like you have your own axe to grind and are actually in no way interested in providing any useful advice.

[Summer Breeze]

But you and a few others just wish to grind away at the past, as digging your heels in the dirt trying to establish your footing.

 

It's not helpful and in encouraging the OP to move forward anew.

 

There's nothing we can do about our pasts .. excepting to leave the chains behind.

 

I agree. If anyone has ever wondered why some new OW end up going out of here like their hair's on fire---here's the example.

 

I may agree with 95% of what Alice and Yellow Shark are saying I do not agree at all with how it's being said. The girl's here to talk things out and find her way. She's talking about some deeply personal stuff and trying to discuss it. She knows what she's done wrong and she's putting it out there. She doesn't need to be whipped about it. Advise and show support. You know as well as I do that a time will come for some tough love but not in her first five minutes here.

 

Protect yourself Joyce and that baby. Take everything that's being said and consider it all. Maybe not all if it right now but everything everyone is saying has merit and will ring true with you at some point. Just change your view to what's important. You know he isn't going to change for you or you wouldn't be here. So it's up to you to step up and be the parent you need to be for that baby.

 

BTW your original post did come across as you had an abortion the first time around. You didn't say it but it is how it read. I apologize for jumping to that conclusion.

[pink_sugar]

And this is the $64,000 question.

 

He told you after (or before) the previous terminated pregnancy that he would "be there" for you if you ever got pregnant again. He obviously said that in order to pacify you, but you interpreted it as a way to get him.

 

And so you intentionally got pregnant thinking what?

That this time around getting pregnant would make him leave his wife?

 

Very reckless and irresponsible. You need to get professional help to figure out why you would do this to yourself, this man's wife . . . and an innocent child.

 

 

Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself. Ever heard of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."? That is exactly what happened here. Unfortunately too many women out there think and believe a married man will leave his wife for the other woman. In this scenario, you deliberately got pregnant again to try and get him to be stay with you. What were you thinking? You were with him 2 years and not only did he not leave his wife in that timeframe, but you got pregnant before and he made you have an abortion, which you went along with. He is using and manipulating you. What is to stop it from being different this time around when you tell him you're pregnant?

[Summer Breeze]

Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself. Ever heard of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."? That is exactly what happened here. Unfortunately too many women out there think and believe a married man will leave his wife for the other woman. In this scenario, you deliberately got pregnant again to try and get him to be stay with you. What were you thinking? You were with him 2 years and not only did he not leave his wife in that timeframe, but you got pregnant before and he made you have an abortion, which you went along with. He is using and manipulating you. What is to stop it from being different this time around when you tell him you're pregnant?

 

You should have read the thread. She had a miscarriage not an abortion.

 

Good God people have a heart and get a grip.

[pink_sugar]

I didn't read the entire thread, but the initial post was not very clear.

 

"I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I have been with him 2 years and I was pregnant two years ago. It ended with him not seeing me saying I had to have an ab if I wanted to move forward with our relationship... He still sees me. He says he loves me and supports me. But he doesn't want the baby and he's stayed with her. It's been 2 years she knows nothing about us no one does. And I feel fed up. Idk what I'm going to do. But I've invested so much in him. He even said he's working on separating that he'd be there for me if I ever got pregnant again. In that time I really felt like we bonded but I feel like I was last time...."

 

Since it didn't stipulate anything here about a miscarriage, her post sounded as if she went with the abortion. Sorry, my bad.

[Summer Breeze]

I didn't read the entire thread, but the initial post was not very clear.

 

"I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I have been with him 2 years and I was pregnant two years ago. It ended with him not seeing me saying I had to have an ab if I wanted to move forward with our relationship... He still sees me. He says he loves me and supports me. But he doesn't want the baby and he's stayed with her. It's been 2 years she knows nothing about us no one does. And I feel fed up. Idk what I'm going to do. But I've invested so much in him. He even said he's working on separating that he'd be there for me if I ever got pregnant again. In that time I really felt like we bonded but I feel like I was last time...."

 

Since it didn't stipulate anything here about a miscarriage, her post sounded as if she went with the abortion. Sorry, my bad.

 

I agree the OP did sound as though she'd had an abortion. You quoted a poster further in on the thread so I figured you should have read the rest. I'm sorry for flying off the handle too.

[Alice2012]

Good God people have a heart and get a grip.

 

I have my doubts about this story.

 

First go round: Starts seeing MM and wants him to leave his wife. She uses birth control, but it fails. She claims she's pregnant. MM doesn't leave his wife and tells her he's going to dump her unless she has an abortion. Then she just happens to miscarry after being told to get an abortion "or else."

 

Birth control fails not once, but twice . . . and a miscarry after an "abortion or else" threat. What are the chances?

 

MM promises it will be different if she ever gets pregnant again. Translation in OP's mind: If I get pregnant again, MM will leave his wife. (That is the OP's one and only goal)

 

Second go round: OP still wants MM to leave his wife. IUD fails. She claims she's pregnant again (7 weeks . . . and 3 days). She wants him to leave his wife and she's "fed up" because it's been two years and he hasn't left yet.

 

Sorry to sound so cynical, but the OP wouldn't be the first delusional woman to feign pregnancy, miscarriage and even a birth to make sure she gets her man.

 

I think she's young, delusional and obsessed with this MM.

Edited June 24, 2012 by Alice2012

[Emme]

I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I have been with him 2 years and I was pregnant two years ago. It ended with him not seeing me saying I had to have an ab if I wanted to move forward with our relationship... He still sees me. He says he loves me and supports me. But he doesn't want the baby and he's stayed with her. It's been 2 years she knows nothing about us no one does. And I feel fed up. Idk what I'm going to do. But I've invested so much in him. He even said he's working on separating that he'd be there for me if I ever got pregnant again. In that time I really felt like we bonded but I feel like I was last time....

 

I ddnt have unprotected sex and I'm 20 so of course I didn't try to get pregnant. Yes I want to keep it... He knows everything he monetarily supports me and he isn't ingoring me but he still hasn't left her just made excuses and keeps asking if I'm sure I want to keep it... But yea I used an iud this time around and had an expulsion... It's like though he still wants everything to stay the same. I really don't get how he expects this to work... Also he said he'd do thing differently he has but not how he said he would...

 

also if you're angry at me for being the other women well that's what this section is...

 

 

 

when did I say I was considering abortion? I've never even had an abortion to begin with. I fundamentally believe it's wrong that's not something I'd do unless I were raped or in last case's situation. I mced. That's nature not me...

 

 

I was like 14 weeks pregnant of course I didn't have an actual abortion I just said he wanted me to get rid of it. I ended up mcing.... Same as this time I know that he has no say he just said things would be different and I feel disappointed really

 

 

he's not that old actually... Plus I'm an adult. I'm just young. He's 28...

 

 

I just used condoms back then it didn't work out I was bound to have a break one time or another.

 

he's not as unsupportive but really feel unappreciated... And like this isn't going anywhere good tbh...

 

 

yeah a 20 year old student at a prestigious school aspiring to be a doctor ttcs a pregnancy to make achieving her goal harder along with not family friend or partner support. That's pretty self destructive

 

my main issue is if anything can be done I think I'm realizing it's beyond repair. I'm considering telling him what I feel. And I have but idk it's like I've heard everything nothing's going to hange him

 

 

 

Ms. Brown, I've read your posts. I read them more than once and I don't see a problem. Problem/Issues whatever... Here are the facts.

 

Your title refers to the father of your child as your boyfriend. He's not your boyfriend, I'm about 80% sure he's not even your lover. What he is, is a married man.

 

You made the choice to continue a relationship with a man who told you to kill your baby. At some point he stopped seeing you because of it. Your child then died of natural causes. I am now going to make the assumption based on your info that after you lost your child he then came back to you. You then accepted him back with open arms.

 

Now you know this man as being a straight forward guy. He seems straight forward to me. He told you kill our baby or this relationship is over. That's a straight forward guy to me. Him asking you now if you're sure you want to keep this child and him getting a divorce has nothing to do with each other. The same way he told you what to do with your first child ... he would have bluntly told his wife I want a divorce. Yet, you get the feeling he still wants things to stay the same. That says a lot... and yet... here you still are with him. Accepting what is. A divorce is a divorce... I don't know how he can do "things differently" the way he said he would/this time... It's the happy blue paper.

 

You have all the facts. If you are looking for change it has to come from you. Not from him. Don't look to someone else to make your world better. Find whatever family members you can, make new friends with whomever you can. Build your life without this man in it. If you choose to continue relations with him then it's all on you and you can't complain.

[Alice2012]

And the OP never mentions any miscarriage in her first post, which is VERY surprising. She writes the following, which clearly implies abortion (or an alleged abortion):

 

He says he loves me and supports me. But he doesn't want the baby and he's stayed with her.

 

No mention of any miscarriage, which again is strange because that's a pretty big deal. It was only after she was criticized about having an abortion was a miscarriage mentioned.

Edited June 24, 2012 by Alice2012

[alexandria35]

I agree that it's pretty pointless to berate a pregnant person for being pregnant. It doesn't help and it doesn't make the pregnancy go away. Also I think some people don't realize that some young women are incredibly fertile and birth control often fails for them. Oh my God! When I was in my twenties it seemed my body wanted to be pregnant more than anything else in the whole world..lol. First time I got pregnant I was 16 and it was just careless unprotected sex. Second time it was with a condom, third time I was on the pill. After the third time I combined the pill with some kind of barrier birth control (sponge, diaphram, condom) and I prayed to the heavens above...lol. I know lots of women who went through this when they were young and they are not all telling tall tales. Now I'm 46 years old and probably couldn't get pregnant if my life depended on it. Now it would be easy for me to wag my finger in peoples faces and lecture them on how I believe there is no such thing as accidental pregnancies, but by my own experience I know better than that.

 

OP by reading your first post it did sound an awful lot like you aborted the first pregnancy and I wouldn't judge you if you did. It's your life and your decisions are between you and God. However if you keep this baby than plan on single parenthood because this man is probably not going to leave his wife for you and if he did you would probably still wind up single and alone because if he abandons the family he has now he will likely abandon you and your baby at some point too. You say he supports you. Do you mean financially? If so cut that out right now. If your going to keep the baby then sue him for child support, otherwise grow up and support yourself. There is no excuse for a young woman being supported by a man, especially a married man. Have some pride and dignity and learn how to support yourself. But by all means go after him for child support.

[whichwayisup]

This affair and situation is toxic and unhealthy for you.

This MM is not EVER going to leave his wife. He isn't going to be all yours and you two will raise your baby happily ever after.. I'm not saying this to hurt you or make you feel bad but for you to open your eyes, take a giant step back and see this for what it is.

 

Do baby steps..Detach from him and stop including him in your life. Rely on other friends, family to help and support you. Even do counselling too.

 

Decide whether or not you want this baby, reguardless of him and what he wants. Don't expect him to be a father to your baby.. If anything, he can and should pay you child support. It is up to him if he chooses to be in the babys life.

[Alice2012]

I agree that it's pretty pointless to berate a pregnant person for being pregnant.

 

Okay, but she's obviously not telling the truth about the miscarriage, so how do we know she's even pregnant?

 

She never discloses any miscarriage. If you were writing about getting pregnant by your AP and mentioned his threat to abort, but you wound up losing the baby you desperately wanted - would you forget to mention that?

 

Of course you wouldn't. You wouldn't because a miscarriage is a HUGE deal for a woman, especially a then 18 year old.

 

Not only would you NOT forget that very integral part of your affair history, but you would probably also mention how your AP dealt with it - whether he was supportive or unsupportive while you were in the hospital, etc.

 

I'm taking everything this OP says with a grain of salt.

[William]

And we'll leave it at that.