i feel so numb/lost, i want to recover, but have no idea where to start

[justified3474]

I’m 21 years old and have no idea what to do anymore. My story is very painful. Things have happened to me and I have done things that I feel ashamed about. I have no idea what in my life has made me who I am today, or what is normal or not. But what I do know is that I am depressed, extremely insecure, have come to loathe who I am, lost, and cannot trust anyone. This would all be okay with Me, but I now see what I wanted to ignore for a while; these things are affecting the one person that I have ever truly loved and knew loved me back: my boyfriend. I feel like a poison that has slowly crept into his life and sometimes I wish he had never met me because maybe he would just be better off. I feel so selfish for knowing that my problems are hurting/burdening him, but I just don't want to let him go.

 

I feel like my Entire life has been this one big lie I keep telling myself so that I can keep my head up and pretend like nothing ever happened and block everything out from my consciousness. On the outside I am a very intelligent, fun, and out-going person; everyone is always telling me how they wish they were more like me: happy all the time. And I have believed this about myself for so long. I now realize how fake it all is; it's just an image that I wanted so much for myself. I now feel like I am out of my body, looking down at this person I so direly wish I could really be, and then hating myself for who I really am. I have always had Tons of friends and never found it hard to meet people. But I have never in my life felt like I had a true friend. Anyone I was comfortable with enough to confide my secrets. Except for my boyfriend. I have slowly begun telling him some of my most painful memories, but I was only scratching the surface.

 

I am also very successful (especially academically) and so have always had the mentality that all mental/psychological problems can be conquered. I was "too smart" to let mental problems get in the way. I also would think about the typical "therapist" responses I would get for these types of problems and i always felt they were BS/stupid. i'm a very, overly blunt/get over it type of person. You just have to know yourself and be the only person in control of your mind. So I figured everything that has happened to me is in the past and so is not affecting me in any way in the present. No reason to dwell or be sad about it. But simply...this is completely wrong.

 

Here's my story. Even writing this stuff down is so painful; The things that I have done sound so Disgusting to me and I feel so ashamed that I just hate myself. But I want to recover so badly and just be happy once and for all. I feel that this is somehow a step in the right direction. I don't mean to be rude or mean, but I really want viewers to read my full story, give me true and thought-out responses/advice, because I am drowning right now...please don't tell me things I already know like I should seek therapy; I know of its potential benefits, but i have also heard some bad stories. So I have decided I am not ready for that yet. Maybe some day. If anyone would also like to message me or become "supportive buddies" I think I could really benefit from something like that. I'm not sure if people do that on this website...

 

 

When I was little (I can't even remember exactly what age) I was molested by my dad. I'm not sure exactly to what extent or how often or what not, because I have no memories before first grade, and everything until 6th grade is pretty fuzzy; just memories of me being in school. Almost no memories from outside of school.

I keep having these 2 flashback/memories that I Know are real; of being touched. At the time I had no idea whether to think it was normal because it would happen when we would be cuddling up, watching t.v. or I would come and sleep in his bed, like daughters would do...we would spoon a lot (is this weird??? do people do this?? in my household, no one ever said anything or said it was weird).

One memory was i wanted him to rub my tummy because it was hurting and it turned into touching. The other memory is fuzzy because I was sleeping, but I wokeup without my underwear next to him and I think I had peed myself; everything was wet. I was so freaked out when I woke up. I got up and went to the bathroom and I saw that I had put my underwear in the toilet (I have no idea why or any recollection).

 

To this day I am SO confused and feel SO lost. My dad is a good person; I Know he loves me. He has done so much for me and I can see that he really cares about me...When my mom died he took over Everything in the house. He was what allowed me to get through high school with excellence, get to an ivy league college, which he is fully paying for, and I am now on my path to going to med school, which he is also paying for. I feel SO guilty sometimes for even thinking all this stuff.........I know I sound brainwashed but i dont know what to think. he has never threatened me not to tell or anything. I have no idea if he has any idea what he did or he knows but doesnt think it was wrong?! Once (recently, I am 21), we were all eating at the dinner table and somehow my dad started saying how I got all grown up; just the other year we were still showering together naked. He laughed and said it like there was nothing wrong with it, in front of everyone..I have NO memories of showering with my dad????! Is this possible?? I feel so psychotic/crazy for thinking these things?!

 

Growing up I had all the classic symptoms, but refused to ever connect the dots or accept what had happened to me. I just told myself I was a messed up child. I might've been younger when this started, but I know for sure in 5th/6th grade and beyond I would masturbate, look and watch porn all the time. I would go on AIM chat rooms and have cyber sex with random people...I was never naive enough to ever think about meeting up with anyone. I would constantly do weird things, like have outlandish sexual fantasies about threesomes and orgies. I made all my stuffed animals have sex with each other and I would pretend to have sex with them. This continued as I grew older; I loved taking pictures and videos of myself naked or basically naked and loved guys' reactions online.

I never felt comfortable around my dad, but i always thought it was because we were never close and my parents would always fight. when he hugs me or touches my hand or leg or anything i get all tense and feel like cringing..

I started shoplifting at a very young age; I would constantly steal underwear. Once I got caught and felt So ashamed that I stopped.

It continues to this day although Very very rarely; I would wet the bed, Or I would wakeup because I thought I was. The sensation was so real I would get out and feel my sheets for forever to make sure they weren't wet...

Growing up, I also sleep-walked a lot...wake up in random places.

I also still have dreams sometimes that I am being raped, by strangers. IN the dream I would be scared, but enjoyed it at the same time. I'll wake up and feel so Horrid and disgusted with myself I would just cry.

 

Another major event in my life was when my mom died. She committed suicide and hung herself. I was the one who found her and didnt even flinch. I just calmly went to my sister's room and told her to go the bathroom. She went and saw our mom and started Freaking out. Only then did I react because my sister was holding her up while I had to cut her down. Anyways, I think I had PTSD from that because I was told that i would be screaming in the middle of the night, and be awake..but I have Absolutely no memory of any of this either.

It was a really traumatic experience and at first I hated my mom for abandoning me and my sister. I just kept thinking and still do; how could she leave us? Was I not enough for her to keep living? Maybe she didn't Really love me like normal moms?

 

Ever since I could remember my parents fought All the time. I mean Screaming fights. I remember once I was really really young and they threw chairs and furniture at each other and I was so scared. After that, every time they started fighting my dad would yell at me and my sister to go to our rooms and I would comply...Once my mom yelled at me that i was a bad daughter because I would just run away instead of telling them to stop fighting.

 

I have literally never in my life seen them show any sort of love or affection for each other, whether a hug, a look, a kiss, nothing. There was a blowout Scream fight every day.

My mom, she had every problem in the book: severe depression, alcoholism, shopping addiction, anorexia, addicted to the internet, and the list goes on. The worst part is, I knew deep down all these things were happening with her and I never once said anything. I pretended like I didn't know; even though I could hear her sometimes vomiting in the middle of the night from drinking, or early in the morning I overheard her on the phone with her friends crying, telling them she wanted to die and wanted to kill herself, or saw how depressed she was. Once, I think she attempted to OD on pills because I was downstairs and heard her stumbling upstairs all over the place. I could hear my dad yelling at her to "spit them out; throw up."....i just ignored it all. HOW MUCH OF A CRUEL, HEARTLESS, SOUL-LESS, person could I be to do all of this?????? i just keep thinking to this day that if i wasnt such a god awful horrible person, and just showed her one ounce that i cared or loved her, she would still be here today.

 

Once my mom yelled at me also saying that I was a horrible daughter because I never did anything to try to help my parents' situation (they fought a lot about money bc of my mom's shopping problem). She told me that I should be thinking of solutions instead of just sitting around, etc. etc. I felt So guilty and ashamed of myself...I felt like I was the cause of everything and became so sad...I felt so pained that I cut myself. When I saw blood I got all freaked out...and then felt Really really Stupid/idiotic for doing something you would see in some stupid teen film. But to this day, when I feel depressed, I feel the pain in my wrists; I'm not sure if it's bc my pulse is there. but it feels like my veins are pulsating out of my skin and it kind of hurts...i would never hurt myself but thoughts have come and gone a lot

 

Anyways, my dad never laid a hand on my mom except one day he started punching my mom while they were fighting. i had to pull him off and i had never been so frightened before. i found out later that he had slapped her once before...for a while my dad just left our lives completely and we had no idea what to do (i am a first generation kid, and my mom barely spoke english even though she went to the best university in our home country. so she wouldnt be able to get any supporting job).

then once while he was home, my mom tried to get money from his wallet or something and he had his arm around her neck trying to stop her...i just remember her shrieking so loud and next thing I know, cops were at our house.

after they left, he said he has never felt so ashamed and horrible about himself and said nothing like that would ever happen again. (he grew up in a domestic violent household).

It was true, he never hit my mom again; but they still fought all the time and not shortly after my mom died...

 

after many years, my dad has done a complete 180 and seems to have changed like crazy..he eventually remarried (she lives with us now). they seem really happy; they have spats but no fighting even close to what i remember. he is really trying/curbing his anger/yelling.

 

anyways, i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and i have really messed it up. for the entire time we were dating i didnt feel i deserved his love. (everything I am about to say I have Just Recently realized). he is truly an amazing and kind hearted person, who has Never Ever done Anything to hurt me. I trust him with My Life and know I can count on him to be there for me no Matter what. the thing is, I think I hate myself so much and believe that i am such a horrible person that all i deserve in a bf is to be treated like dirt. i had an ex who treated me horribly and we barely ever fought. i thought i loved him, clung onto the rare good/charming memories we had, and chose to forgive/forget every time he verbally/emotionally abused me and treated me like scum. I am such a retard: I would save all of his texts that sounded remotely sweet, even though 99% of the time he made me so unhappy. with my current bf, who treats me like a Queen and as the priority of his world; i pick fights with him about Every Single Little Thing. And make Huge deals about Everything.

 

Every fight that turns big, I end up Screaming at him to tell me that he doesnt really love me or never really cared about me all along. It just comes out of my mouth. I get really jealous when he mentions other girls or wants to go out with his friends because I am just Waiting for the day that he cheats on me and proves me right...........

he has done Everything for me to try and please me and nothing seems to be working.

at the end of our fights, i hate myself even more because i kept pushing him and pushing him to tell me something i wanted to hear, but obviously he would never say or do because he actually Does love me with everything. I make him feel like a bad person or get all confused as to what went wrong. i know i make him feel helpless because he wants to help me but has no idea how. he has told me numerous times how sorry he is that he is such a bad boyfriend. But he's Not. I have caused this amazing person/boyfriend whom I love to feel this pain; I have ignored all my feelings and issues from me and pushed them onto Him.

 

He wants to break up; last weekend we had another huge fight. it happened outside and i was screaming at him. this time, someone called the cops on us and they started questioning him up and down. nothing more came of it with the police, but my bf felt so imprisoned and horrified that he said he had had enough and couldnt deal with it anymore. i had never seen him so shaken up and traumatized; he is not one to lose his cool or temper. even when we fight it takes a lot on my part to get him mad/agitated/raise his voice. a part of my heart felt like it had died for me to have seen my actions go so far in hurting him.

 

i know i dont want to end things. for 3 years our problems have been going on; but there has always been something keeping us together and still happy with each other, and loving each other just as much as we always have. but im sick of it; sick of the way i make him feel and sick of being self-loathing so much that i have to take it out on him and drag him down with me. i dont want to lose the love of my life. we really understand each other on a different level, and we think/talk of the days when we can live together, get married, and start a family (he is a few years older than me). when we try to explain our fights to our friends, we really dont think people get it. our fights make absolutely no sense. he knows me very well, and my way of thinking, and the things i pick fights about, he nor anyone who knows me would think i would care about such stupid things. and I DONT. i just feel like i need to Look for any little hidden thing that will reveal he Actually is an Ass or hasnt cared for me all along.

 

he said he is done and i know he meant it. at first i wanted to beg for him back. but now, i feel that i really need for him to make his own decision. the first thing i really have to learn is to stop believing that i can control every situation and prediction of events. i have put him through So much for the past 3 years, kept him in the dark about my past and the reasons for my behavior. i just met with him yesterday to tell him everything about me and my past. i told him i wanted to tell him because i feel he deserves to know instead of going on thinking he is a bad person/bf. he needs to know that none of these things/problems have anything to do with him. i was also telling him more for myself..if i didnt tell him everything, i dont think i would ever tell anyone, or post on this site, or seek help. i would just keep it all to myself and block it out more until it would get worse probably. i made myself sit down, and really think about what happened, admit what has happened to me as being real, and admit that it has affected my life and that i need to stop being prideful and believe that it hasnt.

 

i am So sick of feeling unhappy, and thus feeling so insecure about who i am and myself. i am really sick of not being able to put one ounce of trust in Anyone. i just Wish i could hear my bf tell me something, and for me to just Believe him, and not let a thousand things run through my head about how he could be lieing.

 

anyways, we had a good talk about things. i want him to take me back knowing all of it so we can start over, and i will have someone to help me along. i told him that he doesnt have to feel bad for me, or take me back because of what happened to me, i dont expect Anything from him. i told him i have no idea if i will get better or how fast things will get better, i cant guarantee or see the future. what i do know is that i am determined to fix me no matter what; even if we break up i need to do it for myself to be happy. our last fight, i had pushed him to his breaking point and i saw that. i know he was emotionally drained when he broke down so if he doesnt think he can get back together, i will understand and let him go because in that case, it is for the best for him.

 

that is my story, and i would please like some input, opinions about anything about my story, or advice on where to start. i feel really jumbled right now because i dont know what pieces of my life fit together...i have read some responses on other threads and they have been Really great/helpful. also some self-help book suggestions that you feel apply to me?

[Downtown]

Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since early childhood. The behaviors you describe -- the inability to trust, self loathing, feeling you are outside your body, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment (from intimacy), sudden temper tantrums, and emotional instability -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Only a professional can determine whether you "have BPD," i.e., have the full blown disorder. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult because there is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as inability to trust, self loathing, and verbal abuse. I therefore suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if they sound very familiar.

 

As an initial matter, I note that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at low levels if they are emotionally healthy. At low levels, these traits are not harmful. On the contrary, they are essential to our survival, which is why they arise from our primitive ego defenses. The become a problem -- as seems to be happening with you -- only when they become strong enough to distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

Significantly, everyone experiences that same distortion whenever we experience very intense feelings. By the time we are in high school, we already know we cannot trust our own judgment of other people whenever we are infatuated or very angry with them. That's why we know to wait until we cool down before taking action. And that's why we know to wait at least a year before buying an engagement ring.

 

Hence, BPDers (those with strong traits) differ from other folks only in degree, not in kind. Because BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions properly, they experience intense feelings far more frequently and much more intensely. The result, then, is that their perceptions of other peoples' feelings are distorted much of the time. Making matters worse, BPDers are not good at "waiting until they cool off" before taking action. They lack that skill because the same trauma that gave them a fragile self image also prevented them from developing normal impulse control.

I feel like my Entire life has been this one big lie I keep telling myself so that I can keep my head up

Due to genetics and/or childhood trauma, BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) typically are unable to develop an integrated, strong sense of self at age 3 or 4. They therefore go through life without having a stable strong self image to guide them.

 

The result is that a BPDer tends to figure out how people expect her to behave -- and then she acts in that manner. Usually, this is not done to be manipulative but, rather, to simply fit in and be loved. This is why BPDers tend to be excellent actors if they choose to enter that profession. And this is why BPDers often feel they are "being fake" and thus live in fear that the loved one will abandon them when he finds out.

I am also very successful (especially academically).

This means that, if you are a BPDer, you are a high functioning BPDer. That is, you function very well around casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those folks pose a threat to your two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Heaven help them, however, if they try to draw close to you and establish a close LTR. When that happens -- as with your BF -- the person will start triggering one fear or the other. This is why it is common for a HF BPDer to be generous and caring all day long with casual friends and total strangers -- and then go home at night to verbally abuse the very person who loves her.

 

Significantly, because the two fears are the polar extremes of the same spectrum, it is impossible for a loved one to back away from one without drawing closer to the other. Hence, your BF is in the lose-lose position of triggering your fears no matter which direction he goes. As he backs away from you to give you relief from your suffocating feeling of engulfment, he will necessarily start triggering your fear of abandonment. Moreover, there is no Goldilocks position (not too far away and not too close) where he can safely stand. Such a midpoint solution does not exist.

When I was little (I can't even remember exactly what age) I was molested by my dad. I'm not sure exactly to what extent or how often or what not, because I have no memories before first grade, and everything until 6th grade is pretty fuzzy.

A recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of those diagnosed with full blown BPD report having been abused or abandoned in childhood. I nonetheless caution you against jumping to any conclusions about your dad. About 30% of BPDers apparently develop it from heredity alone. And, given the tortured existence your mother suffered, it would not be surprising if you inherited a strong predisposition to BPD from her. Hence, it is unclear whether sexual abuse contributed to the development of your problems or, rather, inherited BPD traits distorted your perceptions of your dad's behavior.

I have NO memories of showering with my dad.... I feel so psychotic/crazy for thinking these things?!

No, to be psychotic or crazy, you would have to lose touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to you personally. In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. They have such strong feelings and fears that they have a distorted perception of other peoples' feelings. If that misperception is "being crazy," then we would have to say that every adult gets "crazy" every time he gets angry or infatuated.

Please don't tell me ...I should seek therapy.... I have decided I am not ready for that yet.

I strongly disagree. Although you can make some progress on your own by simply reading, you won't get very far. That's why even the trained psychologists don't try to fix their own issues on their own. Instead, they all go to a trusted colleague to get an objective view from someone not subject to the distortions going on in their own minds.

 

Granted, about 99% of BPDers are not ready for therapy. Like the other PDs, BPD is "egosyntonic," i.e., such a natural part of the way a person has been thinking since childhood that it is invisible to the BPD sufferer. Moreover, because a BPDer hates herself, the last thing she wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself.

 

Yet, if I thought you were a member of that 99% group, I wouldn't be writing to you. Your post is so amazingly insightful and self critical that you appear to be extraordinarily self aware -- and likely have sufficient ego strength to seek therapy if you do have strong traits. Both of those factors -- self awareness and ego strength -- are rare among BPDers. That is why, even though excellent treatment programs are available, maybe only 1% of high functioning BPDers will seek them out and stay in them long enough to make a difference. Hence, if you decide you have strong traits, your chances of learning to control them are excellent.

I would please like some input, opinions ...or advice on where to start.

Justified, I have several suggestions. First, I suggest you see a good clinical psychologist to obtain professional guidance. But I already said that. Second, I suggest you read Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, a favorite among the many BPDers I communicated with online.

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDrecovery.com. There, you will be able to communicate with dozens of self aware BPDers, which are so rare I've never knowingly met any in my private life. Being self aware, however, does not guarantee success in therapy. Many of the "self awares" apparently lack the ego strength to tolerate the demands of doing therapy.

 

Of course, I'm talking only about the high functioning BPDers. The low functioning folks are in such terrible pain that they often are greatly relieved to find out what is tormenting them. With HF BPDers, on the other hand, the vast majority do not want to know. It is too scary.

 

I strongly advise against going to any BPD websites targeted to the "Nons," i.e., the nonBPD spouses and partners. Such sites tend to be single minded in their effort to save the Nons from toxic relationships. Because the newbie Nons are mesmerized by the attractive features of BPDers, nearly all the discussion at such sites are one-sided negative information intended to slap some sense into them. But the result is that the information is too black-white, especially black.

 

Finally, if you would like to read my description of typical BPDer behavior, you may want to check out my posts in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If you find that my discussion of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss them further with you. Take care, Justified.

[justified3474]

i guess my thread post was too long...

[Downtown]

Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since childhood. Several hours ago, I wrote you a response that is even longer than your post. Indeed, it is so long that it automactically triggered a holding pattern. It will be posted, probably tomorrow, if one of the moderators approves of it. As I explain in that post, the behavioral traits you describe are consistent with a well-known syndrome -- for which many excellent treatment programs are available in all first world countries.

 

As to the length of your post, there are many of us here on LS who actually prefer the added detail. It means we don't have to ask two dozen questions to obtain it later.

[justified3474]

Justified, welcome to the LS forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much since childhood. Several hours ago, I wrote you a response that is even longer than your post. Indeed, it is so long that it automactically triggered a holding pattern. It will be posted, probably tomorrow, if one of the moderators approves of it. As I explain in that post, the behavioral traits you describe are consistent with a well-known syndrome -- for which many excellent treatment programs are available in all first world countries.

 

As to the length of your post, there are many of us here on LS who actually prefer the added detail. It means we don't have to ask two dozen questions to obtain it later.

 

thank you thank you. i hope they approve it soon :/

[Downtown]

Justified, several cautions are in order. First, as I explain in that other post, I cannot diagnose whether or not you have a full blown disorder. I am not a psychologist and I've never even met you.

 

Second, I also cannot tell you whether you have the traits at a strong level. Instead, I can only tell you what pattern they belong to and, until you are willing to speak with a professional, you will have to determine for yourself whether the traits are strong. As I will explain, spotting the red flags is not difficult once you know what to look for. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about these behavioral traits. I therefore am suggesting a book for you to read. If you have that set of traits at a strong level, you likely will feel like you are reading the story of your life when you read the book.

 

Third, although many excellent treatment programs are available for such traits -- if you decide you have them at a strong level -- your inability to trust people will make it difficult for you to bond with the therapist and trust him. Yet, given the keen self awareness and determination evident in your post, I believe you have an excellent chance of pulling it off (again, assuming you have those traits at a strong level).

[justified3474]

Justified, several cautions are in order. First, as I explain in that other post, I cannot diagnose whether or not you have a full blown disorder. I am not a psychologist and I've never even met you.

 

Second, I also cannot tell you whether you have the traits at a strong level. Instead, I can only tell you what pattern they belong to and, until you are willing to speak with a professional, you will have to determine for yourself whether the traits are strong. As I will explain, spotting the red flags is not difficult once you know what to look for. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about these behavioral traits. I therefore am suggesting a book for you to read. If you have that set of traits at a strong level, you likely will feel like you are reading the story of your life when you read the book.

 

Third, although many excellent treatment programs are available for such traits -- if you decide you have them at a strong level -- your inability to trust people will make it difficult for you to bond with the therapist and trust him. Yet, given the keen self awareness and determination evident in your post, I believe you have an excellent chance of pulling it off (again, assuming you have those traits at a strong level).

 

okay i understand. i do strongly feel like there is something wrong with me psychologically....but i realize it and want to get better...

about therapists...yes, i feel like i just cannot trust them or will be able to trust one....even when i told my bf about my past, the most painful parts i just could not get myself to say them out loud. i had to make my bf guess so that he would say them and then me tell him it was right and then elaborate...

 

anyways, i still thank you for your responses and hope i get to read them soon

[justified3474]

why isnt the response being posted :/

did it get rejected?

maybe you could post in segments at a time or private message me your long response if you had it saved or something Downtown?

[Downtown]

Please be patient, Justified. It took me 3 hours to write it and the page disappeared when I clicked on send. (I would have saved a copy but I've never had trouble before in sending here on LS.) Then a message appeared -- which I had never seen before in two years of posting -- saying that a moderator would have to approve the post, a process that could take up to 48 hours. No explanation was offered for the need for approval.

 

Earlier that same day, however, I noticed that someone posted a message that was about 5 times longer than your initial post. I've never seen such a long post before. I therefore suspect that a new filter on length was put into place to prevent a re-occurrence. Or perhaps I just wrote so much that I triggered a filter that had always been in place. In any event, it should be posted by tomorrow if approved. Sorry for the delay.

[justified3474]

Please be patient, Justified. It took me 3 hours to write it and the page disappeared when I clicked on send. (I would have saved a copy but I've never had trouble before in sending here on LS.) Then a message appeared -- which I had never seen before in two years of posting -- saying that a moderator would have to approve the post, a process that could take up to 48 hours. No explanation was offered for the need for approval.

 

Earlier that same day, however, I noticed that someone posted a message that was about 5 times longer than your initial post. I've never seen such a long post before. I therefore suspect that a new filter on length was put into place to prevent a re-occurrence. Or perhaps I just wrote so much that I triggered a filter that had always been in place. In any event, it should be posted by tomorrow if approved. Sorry for the delay.

 

okay thank you Downtown~

i will be patient and wait!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

First of all, I suspect it was content, and not mere length that caused a sincere response to need authorization. AND I'm guessing that any sincere response to this will be posted.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Justified:

 

Your story and your ability to share it as you did are amazing.

 

 

You are such a great match to go through (extensive - I'm not gonna lie) therapy successfully.

 

And it is fairly important that you take advantage of Student Health Services or the like at your university to begin the long path of therapy. IT's there - you're likely far from home, and you can incorporate therapy into your routine for minimal cost.

 

(cost could be a barrier later in life - so really consider starting now)

 

 

Something in your favor, which you probably cannot even recognize right now, is that so many OF the various past and present experiences you share are indeed causes and effects of the same abusive roots.

 

The fact that so much is *connected* in your story suggests that full understanding will be much, much easier for a therapist and then for you.

 

 

After reading your story once, my mind already conceives the reasonable scenario which had your own mother a one-time abuse victim way back when - which is what would have attracted her to an abusive husband later. The point at which she may have gone off the deep end (internally) was when learning (somehow) that her own daughters had been victimized by this man she selected. That despite probable strong resolve that daughters of hers would not be made to live like she (probably) did.

 

But I think we all know that you, despite your book smarts and your accomplishments, are gonna keep resisting therapy until your own life suffers another catastrophy somewhere, and only then might the smart girl within you resign herself to try to claw her way out of the emotional gutter and submit to the challenge of therapy. (do you really want to take HUGE steps backward before embarking upon the journey that may rescue your life from it's current trajectory???)

 

So here's a greatly beneficial near-term idea that could really help you in the present, while not requiring that you speak to another soul about what you've shared:

 

I want you to search hi and low for the radio show called "Loveline" (with "Doctor Drew")(lovelineshow.com) ... and I want you to listen to it steadily (perhaps until the very moment when you consent to get your butt to therapy). (if it isn't on the radio in your area - use the internet and listen regularly online - at any time-cost) (also, do not think that Drew's TV show is anything near to the radio show - don't bother with the TV show - you need the understandings that will be aired nightly on "Loveline" as other callers with similar stories call in for advice {that you could use} ). From so doing you will be made to clearly understand that many of the experiences about which you feel "guilty"... are directly connected to those innocent abuses done onto you by your father.

 

At any rate, and in the way of a helpful response, do your very best to make the guilt-inducing experiences and choices less prominent in your mind - you will learn that they were merely effects which were caused by your father's (and your mother's early-life tormenter's) abuses.

 

It would be a lie to tell you that any of this was going to be especially easy, but you have what it takes to avoid the perils of your 20's, and to apply yourself to therapy very soon.

 

The main purpose of therapy is to provide you a strong and dependable relationship with at least someone.

 

Keep us posted, won't you?

[justified3474]

thank you, your response has made me feel better and less Crazy.

i really wasn't sure if my story made any sense or if it Really connected to my life now like I thought it could have, or i was just making excuses for my behavior and thinking crazy thoughts...

you're right, i am scared to go to therapy, one because i dont feel like i would ever be able to trust a stranger. i mean it took me 3 years just to reveal to my bf some of the troubles i faced with my mom, and i had decided i would never tell him about my abuse even if we were to ever marry. the only reason i told him was because he wanted to breakup and i didnt feel right letting him think all of my issues had anything to do with him or that he was a bad person...and two, i know some people who used our student health service at our school for counseling and had really bad experiences, ones that set them back even more...

 

i think one day i will be confident enough/stable enough to try therapists - but i will definitely listen to your recommendation of that site and listen to it first til im ready.

thanks again i will keep this updated

[Downtown]

Justified, if my post doesn't appear by this weekend, I will rewrite most of it. During the week, I don't have the time because I work most of the day. Among other things, my post explains that you are describing having two great fears: abandonment and engulfment (from intimacy). If so, you likely have been struggling with those two fears since about age 3 or 4.

 

The abandonment fear is easily triggered whenever your BF does some minor thing that makes you question his loyalty and his love. Until you learn how to love and trust yourself, it will be impossible to love and trust anyone else. But excellent treatment programs are available to teach you how to do exactly that.

 

Similarly, the engulfment fear is easily triggered whenever your BF spends an intimate evening or a great weekend together with you. Although you crave love and intimacy like everyone else, you likely find the experience very uncomfortable -- even frightening at times -- because you feel you are vanishing into thin air, being taken over by his strong personality. It is a feeling of being controlled or suffocated by him. To get breathing space and a sense of your own identity, you will push him away -- usually by creating an argument over nothing. This is why it is difficult to recall what you two were arguing over. And this is why your worst arguments will tend to happen right after your very best times (when you were having a wonderful intimate experience). The engulfment fear arises because you have a weak, unstable sense of who you are -- which is why you sometimes feel "fake," feel you have an emptiness inside, and may even feel you are "outside your body" at times.

 

The main reason that the combination of these two fears is so devastating to your close relationships is that they both lie on the very same spectrum. That is, they are the two polar extremes of the same spectrum. This means that you and your BF are in a lose-lose situation. As he backs away to give you breathing space and avoid triggering your engulfment fear, he is necessarily moving closer to your abandonment fear at the other end of the spectrum.

 

Significantly, his repeated attempts to find a Goldilocks position -- not too close but not too far away -- all likely will end in failure until you get professional guidance. Such a midpoint solution cannot exist until you've had several years of training to learn how to reduce those two fears -- and how to do self soothing to calm yourself down.

Edited June 27, 2012 by Downtown

[justified3474]

YeS, i Always feel like he will abandon me, find someone better he feels he connects more with, find someone more attractive..a bunch of thoughts like those. whether i choose to get mad at something little or something legitimate, i always end up thinking those same thoughts, and turning the whole thing into an issue of: was our whole relationship a lie? does he want to be with me less because he finds me less interesting? etc etc

 

everything you said about engulfment hit the mark also...i'm not sure i can remember specific times when i feel "controlled" or"suffocated" by him; i want to say i havent? maybe because those are strong words.. But i did break up with him once before because he had been talking a lot about marriage and i felt like i needed to get out of the relationship because i felt like i realized i was losing a sense of self and independence and was really really scared that some day there could be the possibility that we could end up like my parents; obviously at some point in their lives they thought they were perfect for each other and were in love so got married..

but then i realized that was mistake to break over thoughts/worries like that so we got back together; but the ideas are still in my head..

 

what you said about being the same spectrum - YES, sometimes i feel So trapped in my own warped thinking, that i really think i'm losing it or dont have any sort of grasp on my mind or what i want. My boyfriend is always telling me that he feels helpless when we fight because Everything that he tries to reconcile doesnt work and makes me more mad, and nothing satisfies me...he will keep quiet or take a step back, which will make me pissed because i feel he is giving up or just doesnt want to deal with me..and if he tries to console me and hug me and make a joke i get pissed because i say to get off or things like: you cant just kiss me and think its all resolved..then at the very end after we've fought, if he doesnt try to hug me or console me, i get mad because i feel like he should comfort me and i feel cold/abandoned if he doesnt...but he says since we just fought he just doesnt feel in the mood to cuddle

 

i just feel so helpless as to what to do to train myself as you said...i always feel like this - just an endless cycle

[SincereOnlineGuy]

thank you, your response has made me feel better and less Crazy.

i really wasn't sure if my story made any sense or if it Really connected to my life now like I thought it could have, or i was just making excuses for my behavior and thinking crazy thoughts...

 

you're right, i am scared to go to therapy, one because i dont feel like i would ever be able to trust a stranger. i mean it took me 3 years just to reveal to my bf some of the troubles i faced with my mom, and i had decided i would never tell him about my abuse even if we were to ever marry. the only reason i told him was because he wanted to breakup and i didnt feel right letting him think all of my issues had anything to do with him or that he was a bad person...and two, i know some people who used our student health service at our school for counseling and had really bad experiences, ones that set them back even more...

 

i think one day i will be confident enough/stable enough to try therapists - but i will definitely listen to your recommendation of that site and listen to it first til im ready.

thanks again i will keep this updated

 

 

From the point of view of being more clear-headed and unaffected by the terrible experiences you have endured I can't fathom your envisioning a long-term relationship in which you don't confide all of the past in the partner.

 

I can only (guess, practically) that the mere thought of telling someone sooooooooooooo important to your future, things like that about your past, scares the daylight out of you.

 

But I really think that is where you need to, and will eventually get before your recovery is maximized.

 

 

Let me re-state that I can't begin to imagine the gain you might have from just acquainting yourself with "Loveline" on the radio. IF you don't find it convenient for you time-wise, be aware that it plays on different stations all across the USA, for about 2 hours each night. IF you can't be up between 10 and midnight on the west coast, perhaps you can listen online between 7 and 9pm western time, on an east coast station via the internet.

 

In time you'd be so amazed at Dr. Drew's keen ear for sometimes just being able to tell by somebody's voice just at what age they were abused.

 

This should reinforce in you the understanding that the past creates the present in large ways, and that present day concerns can be and are often directly the products of the past.

 

In MY perfect scenario, you might come to understand (from "Loveline") so much about the various connections between past and present, that you might then find yourself much nearer to that bold first step toward therapy.

 

As Robin Williams once famously said: "It's not your fault"

[Downtown]

I just feel so helpless as to what to do to train myself as you said...i always feel like this - just an endless cycle

You can break the cycle. You can make a little progress by simply reading about your condition -- it is quite common -- and by going to a forum comprised of hundred of people suffering the same way you are. But you won't get very far doing that on your own. You need professional guidance. It is impossible for you to step outside your head and get an objective view of what is going on. This is why even the clinical psychologists do not try to heal themselves on their own. Instead, they go to colleagues for guidance.

 

Guidance is necessary because what you are describing are aspects of a "thought disorder" which distorts your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Specifically, the two fears create such intense feelings that they color your perceptions.

 

Significantly, this distortion is something that occurs to ALL of us every time we experience intense feelings such as anger or infatuation. Indeed, by the time we are in high school, we've experienced it so many hundreds of times that we know we cannot trust our judgment at those times. This is why we wait until we have a chance to cool down before taking action. And this is why we wait at least a year before buying an engagement ring.

 

Hence, your behavior does not differ from that of other people in kind. Rather, it differs only in degree. That is, you have more difficulty with the thought distortions for two reasons: one is that you have little control over your emotions and thus have too little impulse control. This means it is much harder for you to wait till you cool down before taking action. Instead, you feel like you are going to blow up if the matter isn't resolved RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Second, due to your impaired ability to regulate your emotions, you generally experience intense feelings far more frequently than other folks do.

 

Interestingly, these thought distortions likely have little or no effect on your relationships with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. That's because none of those people pose a threat to your two fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to be abandoned and no intimacy to cause a feeling of engulfment (i.e., losing yourself in the other person to the point of having no self identity). Heaven help them, however, if they decide to try to establish a long-term close relationship.

 

This is why you can be so high functioning all day long -- treating others with caring and generosity -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love you. Importantly, this behavior has nothing to do with being psychotic or "crazy," which would imply you have a distorted view of physical reality. You see physical reality JUST FINE. And you likely see nearly everybody you meet JUST FINE. As I said above, the only folks affected by your distorted perception are those who are very close to you, placing them in the position of triggering your two fears.

 

Your great fear of therapists, then, is based on your realization that therapy will only be effective if you allow yourself to connect with the therapist and trust him. By bringing him into your inner circle, of course, you give him the power of being able to trigger your two fears. This, then, likely is the reason you are so fearful of therapy. And it is the same reason that you likely have no long-term close friends (unless they live a long distance away). Sadly, the nature of your condition -- for you and the millions of other folks suffering from it -- is that it motivates you to chase away the very people who can love you and provide guidance.

 

The other reason that this condition is difficult to shake off is that it is egosyntonic, i.e., the distorted thinking is such a natural part of the way the person has been thinking since early childhood that the distortions are invisible to that person. The remarkable thing about you, then, is that you are so amazingly self aware. This means that, if you have this condition at a strong level, your chances for a successful recovery are excellent if you will seek therapy -- and stay with it for several years.

[justified3474]

From the point of view of being more clear-headed and unaffected by the terrible experiences you have endured I can't fathom your envisioning a long-term relationship in which you don't confide all of the past in the partner.

 

I can only (guess, practically) that the mere thought of telling someone sooooooooooooo important to your future, things like that about your past, scares the daylight out of you.

 

But I really think that is where you need to, and will eventually get before your recovery is maximized.

 

You are 100% correct. If my past really wasn't affecting me dearly I would be okay enough to confide in the one person i trust the most.

I was afraid that telling him - he wouldnt believe me or see me in the same way. What I am still afraid of is that he won't accept me for it or understand, or doesnt love me enough to be willing to deal with my burdens, therefore will still leave me..

 

 

Let me re-state that I can't begin to imagine the gain you might have from just acquainting yourself with "Loveline" on the radio. IF you don't find it convenient for you time-wise, be aware that it plays on different stations all across the USA, for about 2 hours each night. IF you can't be up between 10 and midnight on the west coast, perhaps you can listen online between 7 and 9pm western time, on an east coast station via the internet.

 

In time you'd be so amazed at Dr. Drew's keen ear for sometimes just being able to tell by somebody's voice just at what age they were abused.

 

This should reinforce in you the understanding that the past creates the present in large ways, and that present day concerns can be and are often directly the products of the past.

 

In MY perfect scenario, you might come to understand (from "Loveline") so much about the various connections between past and present, that you might then find yourself much nearer to that bold first step toward therapy.

 

As Robin Williams once famously said: "It's not your fault"

 

I looked this up and in my state (east coast) it says there are no radio stations. Do you know if they record and have available online, non-live shows with Dr. Drew? If not, I can look it up~ or look into their podcasts? I do really want to listen to this station.

[justified3474]

You can break the cycle. You can make a little progress by simply reading about your condition -- it is quite common -- and by going to a forum comprised of hundred of people suffering the same way you are. But you won't get very far doing that on your own. You need professional guidance. It is impossible for you to step outside your head and get an objective view of what is going on. This is why even the clinical psychologists do not try to heal themselves on their own. Instead, they go to colleagues for guidance.

 

Guidance is necessary because what you are describing are aspects of a "thought disorder" which distorts your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Specifically, the two fears create such intense feelings that they color your perceptions.

 

Significantly, this distortion is something that occurs to ALL of us every time we experience intense feelings such as anger or infatuation. Indeed, by the time we are in high school, we've experienced it so many hundreds of times that we know we cannot trust our judgment at those times. This is why we wait until we have a chance to cool down before taking action. And this is why we wait at least a year before buying an engagement ring.

 

Hence, your behavior does not differ from that of other people in kind. Rather, it differs only in degree. That is, you have more difficulty with the thought distortions for two reasons: one is that you have little control over your emotions and thus have too little impulse control. This means it is much harder for you to wait till you cool down before taking action. Instead, you feel like you are going to blow up if the matter isn't resolved RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Second, due to your impaired ability to regulate your emotions, you generally experience intense feelings far more frequently than other folks do.

 

i feel like i am literally reading my own biography on emotions. i don't think the way i experience emotions is the way "normal" people do. i cry about Everything...i mean Everything. shows, books, movies, when im angry, sad. Even when I see something Happy or Moving in a chick flick, like the happy ending, i cry.

I have absolutely no impulse control when it comes to my emotions. i have this Very Very fine line from calm and normal To angry and confrontational. And once it's crossed I just feel like there's no going back. These are the times i feel bipolar/out of my body sometimes. In the moment I want SO badly to go back, to feel not mad and to be calm. But I Just Can't. I'll be saying in my head, be calm, just breathe, you don't want to fight, this will just get worse, stop being angry. But i always lose this battle...because my body gets all hot. Literally, if you touched my skin it is hot in temperature. My heart sinks to my stomach and my head gets all dizzy, cloudy, heavy, and light-headed all at the same time. I feel like it is the end of time, doomsday...REALLY dramatic and intense feelings. -.-

My bf tries to usually tell me to hang up (if we are on the phone) so that we cool off, but i feel like i Have To finish the conversation Right Then and Now. as much as in my head i want to say yes and just hang up i just cant. i usually push him to stay on the phone saying what I want, until he concedes and then becomes upset himself at this point. then that's when i feel regret for my actions and wish i had just listened. that happens a lot too - where i want him to agree with me/do what i say, but as soon as he gives in to my demands but in an upset/forced way, i get Really upset and feel really bad/ashamed at myself for Making him do what he didn't want to do.

 

Interestingly, these thought distortions likely have little or no effect on your relationships with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. That's because none of those people pose a threat to your two fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to be abandoned and no intimacy to cause a feeling of engulfment (i.e., losing yourself in the other person to the point of having no self identity). Heaven help them, however, if they decide to try to establish a long-term close relationship.

 

This is why you can be so high functioning all day long -- treating others with caring and generosity -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love you. Importantly, this behavior has nothing to do with being psychotic or "crazy," which would imply you have a distorted view of physical reality. You see physical reality JUST FINE. And you likely see nearly everybody you meet JUST FINE. As I said above, the only folks affected by your distorted perception are those who are very close to you, placing them in the position of triggering your two fears.

 

YES. In my entire life I have only ever gotten into 1 fight with a friend (and it was just my friend yelling at me for doing something stupid drunk once, and me just silently listening because i didnt want to fight). Ive never even been close to arguing or losing my cool/temper with Anyone. I have no tolerance for argumentative friends/people because most of the time, there is no legitimate basis to the fights; they are all usually stupid to me; which is why i have for so long been so dumbfounded as to why i act Exactly what i perceive as Idiotic/meaningless behavior with my Bf. Now I know. I have fought with my family members, but over the years and especially now, I barely ever do anymore because I see no point in getting into it.

 

Your great fear of therapists, then, is based on your realization that therapy will only be effective if you allow yourself to connect with the therapist and trust him. By bringing him into your inner circle, of course, you give him the power of being able to trigger your two fears. This, then, likely is the reason you are so fearful of therapy. And it is the same reason that you likely have no long-term close friends (unless they live a long distance away). Sadly, the nature of your condition -- for you and the millions of other folks suffering from it -- is that it motivates you to chase away the very people who can love you and provide guidance.

 

The other reason that this condition is difficult to shake off is that it is egosyntonic, i.e., the distorted thinking is such a natural part of the way the person has been thinking since early childhood that the distortions are invisible to that person. The remarkable thing about you, then, is that you are so amazingly self aware. This means that, if you have this condition at a strong level, your chances for a successful recovery are excellent if you will seek therapy -- and stay with it for several years.

 

what you said gives me much hope, thank you. i am becoming less and less reluctant about therapy just by being on LS. talking on this forum and listening to what you and SincereOnlineGuy have said has been therapeutic in itself.

Sometimes I wish I could have a "personal therapist on speed dial" lol...someone who is available 24/7 to attend to my emotional roller coaster moments whenever I need

Edited June 29, 2012 by justified3474

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I perceive that you can listen to pre-recorded episodes of "Loveline" if you are a member at their website.

 

IF instead you can find other stations in your time zone (via the same search you did)... and then listen to their radio stations online, and for free, then that might be the more sensible thing to do.

 

*****************************************

example: IF you live in Maine... maybe you can look on the list and find a station in Florida which plays Loveline between, say, 10pm and midnight, and then enter the call letters of THAT Florida station at Google, then get to the station's website, and click on "Listen Live" - and hear the radio show

*****************************************

(note: the show is actually 'live' 5 nights a week (sun-Thurs) on the WEST COAST, from 10pm to midnight. Many east coast stations replay YESTERDAY'S SHOW between 10pm and midnight, and they might air the show on Monday through Friday) Of course some calls will have exactly no parallels with your story, but I just want you to feeeeeeeeeel how closely connected so many of today's bad decisions and choices are to early life abuses done onto innocent victims.

 

 

 

 

About as strongly as you don't want to go to therapy (in your heart, I mean), I feel that to listen to Loveline (eh, maybe even 3 hours per week) would do you a world of good.

 

Many, many callers are phoning to ask why the 20-something they are today keeps (dating the same kinds of guys... or keeps having 'bad luck' with relationships)... and quite quickly Dr. Drew will ask:

 

"Where's your dad??"

 

(sometimes they answer: "he's in his armchair" )

 

 

But Drew is really wanting to know just what kind of a man IS their father????

 

And pretty soon he has derived, from years and years of experience doing the same thing on Loveline... the central crux of just what would draw this particular woman TO the same types of men all the time.

 

The times I want you to sit back in awe the most, are, for example, when just from hearing a 20-ish-year-old woman's voice, Dr. Drew is caused to mutter "uh-oh" (before she says anything at all related to her story).

 

Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu of all people need to feel the RELIEF from understanding just how much of the present day challenges you have relate directly TO your past history of abuse.

 

Once you (hear that in ways that I personally am ill-equipped to drive home)... (examples from real humans)... only then can you begin to forgive yourself while playing-DOWN anything you seemingly DID with what was a bad hand filled with bad cards in life.

 

The fact that you can accomplish this understanding and eye-opening for free, and in the privacy of your own home, is (oddly) "priceless" for someone who has shared what you've shared here.

 

But you really do need to make that effort and time commitment if you are to both get yourself any nearer to being able to begin the repair process without having to immediately face your greatest demons.

 

Just invest the time... and while it may open up some scary areas of self-contemplation... those are what will bring you nearer TO being able to reach-out for therapy.

[Downtown]

I don't think the way i experience emotions is the way "normal" people do. i cry about Everything.

The problem is not that you experience emotions differently. Like I said earlier, your behavior differs from that of other people only in degree, not in kind. You have the same basic set of human emotions and feelings that everyone else has.

 

The problem, I believe, is that you never learned how to regulate your emotions. Due either to heredity or environment (e.g., abuse or abandonment), you likely were prevented from developing the set of emotional regulation skills that most folks learn at age 3 or 4. This is why, when you start therapy, one of the first things you likely will be taught is how to do self soothing.

 

Significantly, not all psychologists are trained in such techniques. And, as with the members of any profession, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets. It therefore is important to spend some time researching who is best in your area before starting therapy. This weekend, I intend to give you suggestions on how to obtain that information. It is contained in my missing post so, if I don't recover it by Sunday, I intend to recreate much of it.

I have this Very Very fine line from calm and normal To angry and confrontational. And once it's crossed I just feel like there's no going back.

Justified, you will flip from one extreme (black) to the other (white) at the slightest provocation, i.e., any minor thing that triggers one of your two fears. That is called "black-white thinking" (aka, "all-or-nothing thinking"). It will show up as your claiming you "never" or "always" do such and such. It also will be evident in the way you categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, you will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in only ten seconds -- based only on an innocuous remark or minor infraction.

 

B-W thinking occurs because you are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities and mixed feelings and with cognitive dissonance (where one part of your mind believes something contradicting what is believed in another part of your mind). You therefore shoehorn your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations into a B-W dichotomy -- not seeing that all real people live in the gray area in between those polar extremes.

 

Because real people are mixtures of good and bad traits, all of them lie somewhere on the gray part of a continuum -- not at the black and white ends. Yet, because you feel so miserable when trying to deal with the grays, you tend to wholly ignore them.

 

Hence, you do not perceive of other peoples' behaviors as being on that spectrum. Instead, you shoehorn all of the people into a black box and white box, with the two boxes being separated NOT by a long gray spectrum but, rather, by only a "Very Very fine line," as you say. This, then, likely is why you find yourself categorizing everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and as "with me" or "against me."

In the moment I want SO badly to go back, to feel not mad and to be calm. But I Just Can't. I'll be saying in my head, be calm, just breathe, you don't want to fight, this will just get worse, stop being angry. But i always lose this battle...because my body gets all hot.

You likely will keep losing the battle until a trained professional teaches you how to regulate your emotions. With your issues, Justified, talk therapy (where one discusses all the hurtful events and bad choices in one's life) usually is ineffective.

 

What is primarily needed is specific instruction on exactly what actions and techniques to use to calm yourself down, how to start trusting loved ones, how to live "in the moment" (instead of escaping into daydreams about the past and future), and how to control your emotions and impulses. You therefore will be taught, e.g., how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as reflecting reality. Although several different approaches have proven to be effective, the best known one likely is DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi again,

 

I just took the liberty of printing-out your initial entry, and now I gave myself the chance to read it while paying attention to the considerable details. During my first run-through I was so keen on the "Loveline" response that I didn't allow myself to soak-up the awesome parts of just how much you were sharing.

 

I don't know how to communicate effectively to you that it very clearly IS youuuuuuuuur own VULNERABILITY which is much of the appeal TO your first effort here at LS. You articulate yourself wonderfully, and you give a very fair and solid effort at analyzing your life without too much of the mandatory bias.

 

A young adult woman with the outside image you describe is about as sought-after by society as they come, and yet, youuuuuuuuuuuu have the means through which to show more vulnerability than can the next girl in your class who may really HAVE the life that others perceive you to have, when they look-on only from outside.

 

What is nearly impossible for you to discern, given the path you've traveled to this point, is that m-m-m-m-m-MOST of the 'good guys' out there LIVE to cherish just the sort of vulnerability that you are now, willingly showing here at LS. Sadly, the bad guys lurk in the shadows awaiting the opportunity that is just that sort of a person exposing the SAME vulnerability, and then they pounce... the threat of which causes you to keep others at arm's distance, just as a safety precaution.

 

You're accomplishing so much, now, just in being able to critique the observations you'd had up until this point, and in the way of being more 'fair' and less biased while so doing.

 

Sorry for the specifics here, as I contemplate the details you've shared... but what if, in the one scenario you described, you hadn't truly "peed yourself", but instead, what if the, um, natural reactions to the inappropriate sexual stimulation at the hands of your father, were the reason everything was wet? And maybe HIS main concern at the time was your mother not finding your wet underwear, so in fact heeeeeeeee put them in the toilet?

 

Your father is probably experiencing (very appropriate) guilt due unto him, and perhaps some of that is why he attempts to 'pay' his way toward atoning for such evils.

 

Later you mentioned: "connecting the dots"... and I couldn't cite a better phrase for what you should continue to do, perhaps in part through the stimulus that is listening to Loveline.

 

Clearly you were "sexualized" at a very early age, otherwise you wouldn't have been drawn to the various symptoms and REactions you describe during your childhood. Those things about which you feel so guilty now, are all the response to your father's abuses. You yourself are responsible for exactly none of that!!

 

It ALSO 'fits' that you could be turned-on by fantasies OF being raped... that is so very classic and NORMAL given the causes you describe (that is just one more 'effect' ).

 

EVEN IF we were to subtract every last bit of the sexual part of your abusive past, a trained professional would still definitely identify in the ENVIRONMENT you decribe an extremely unhealthy scenario.

 

The part where you have never seen your parents show any sort of love or affection toward one another is another very telling sign, for use in your own understanding of your romantic future.

 

In NO WAY were you "cruel, heartless, soul-less" in seeming to (AVOID confrontation) while living in such environs.

 

The parts you mention about your current boyfriend and your relationship are also soooooooooo normal for the scenario and background you describe. There is surely some subconscious part of you which yearns FOR the very abusive environs you've always known. (this sounds like pure speculation when coming from me, but I promise that you will be convinced upon hearing it from Doctor Drew {as directed toward others} a few times)

 

It also makes sense that all the while the good, solid boyfriend that you have IS indeed wanting to feel your vulnerability, and wanting to bend over backward with sincerity to comfort you in all of the good ways. I understand that it (likely) FREAKS YOU OUT to be treated in such a way, because THAT represents an emotional closeness that you've never known from ANYBODY!!

 

Maybe the police presence in your life recently was what it took to really SHOVE you into making an effort to begin to repair the damages of the past... and it really IS OK that those damages are so prominent, AND that you are having to humble yourself to take the first, scary steps.

 

You speak of "understanding each other"... but for you, UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF is a much bigger priority, not only for the obvious reasons, but so you can better express yourself TO your boyfriend as well.

 

I'm so amazed that you met ("yesterday") to tell him everything about the past... what a courageous effort that was. Maybe at some point you and he can make a shared experience of merely listening to Loveline together. Just the conversing about some of the callers will cause you to better remember some of the details, and more quickly contemplate whether you have common experiences.

 

Gee, you have SUCH A HEALTHY INSTINCT for getting this rolling, and I think you'll have the resources available nearby to really make a gallant effort. EVEN IF you were to break-up permanently with your boyfriend, you could still take from this experience the priceless opportunity to start living the rest of your life much differently than you've had to suffer through much of the first part.

 

PS - I wouldn't mind at all the idea of being one of your "supportive buddies"

 

Such an amazing endeavor and effort!

 

Keep it up... for your future !!!

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear of the difficulties you've experienced in life which have been much beyond what most of us have had to cope with.

 

I can only offer a few observations about what you've said, in the hope that it helps in some way.

 

It really struck me that with your childhood being the way it was, you'd have a great need to try to push it to the back of your mind, simply to survive. It doesn't sound to me like you were cold and uncaring, but it does sound to me like you were experiencing too much distress for a child and that the only way to cope would be to practically pretend it wasn't happening or didn't happen. It sounds like you've distanced yourself from it. At some level though it must be taking enormous energy from you to keep all this at bay and locked away from your other, more 'normal' life. It's no wonder that the stress of trying to keep this under wraps and away from your own conscious awareness, is impossible. It's not surprising to me that it bubbles up and that the unhappy, sad, frightened and fearful emotions leak out in your relationship with the one person you know cares about you.

 

I am also struck by how often you say you don't remember things. You are remembering a lot of things but somehow you go from being asleep to awake with confusion in between. If it is true that your father sexually abused you - and there is no reason why we should disbelieve this - then why the gap? Did you shut this out because it was too painful emotionally and physically for you to bear to remember? Could you have been given drugs of some kind to induce compliance? I just note that you mention you don't remember quite a lot.

 

Your parents relationship must have been confusing and terrifying. They were clearly threatening each other in many ways and there was a lot of noise, confusion and danger. This kind of experience is traumatic for a child and it was prolonged. You learned to cope, to survive, to put on a face and bury everything as much as possible. Part of you is saying it can no longer do this. This is why you need a therapist who understands trauma and sexual abuse. Quite frankly, there is so much that is scary in your background that I am not surprised you are reluctant to see a therapist because you know it is a step towards thinking about these things again and possibly feeling the feelings you did before. But you would be in a safe environment this time with someone who wants to help you through it.

 

Your boyfriend has coped with a lot and has admitted defeat. The fact that you've finally said something to him about what you've been trying to keep buried may make a difference. But, it is also possible that unless you show him you are seeking help, he will not be able to continue. He loves you and that is a starting point. Maybe together you can move forward. Could he come to therapy sessions with you, at least initially so that he can see where he fits into all this and then you can both decide where you need to go from here in terms of therapy and support? Maybe if he was there, you'd find it easier to start to trust a therapist? I can understand why you might not feeling trusting if the people who you most relied on in the past betrayed your trust and abused or abandoned you.

 

I think you've got a journey ahead of you, one that most have not had to face, and it's tough. But, the good thing is that you will be starting to climb out of this black place you have been in where you have had to pretend to be two people - the happy, popular, clever girl and the girl who has suffered so much in an unstable and frightening situation. I think you probably have an idea what might help you best at this point. You've taken a huge step by telling your boyfriend and writing to this forum. This is the start of an uplifting journey. I really wish you all the best for the future. xx

Edited June 30, 2012 by spiderowl

[justified3474]

Like I said earlier, your behavior differs from that of other people only in degree, not in kind. You have the same basic set of human emotions and feelings that everyone else has.

 

Yes, great way to put it. I'm reading up on some ways to self soothe and so far it has helped me.

 

You therefore shoehorn your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations into a B-W dichotomy -- not seeing that all real people live in the gray area in between those polar extremes.

 

Great information Downtown. Yes, I do that a lot - where I tell my bf that he "Always does this and that." My bf has asked me if maybe I am just beginning to learn certain qualities or character traits that he has that annoy me that I don't like, and am realizing that he is not who I want to be with, and that is why I pick fights about little things. But it truly is because it's hard for me to accept the "gray area" parts as you say. I am starting to learn that he nor anyone is perfect but I still accept him for everything he is.

 

how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as reflecting reality.

 

this is precisely what i want to do. to not let my first conclusion about situations be the worst case scenario because i am hypothesizing the future and things i cannot control anyway..and then believing that is is reality.

 

a problem i seem to be having is, i cant seem to explain clearly enough to my bf that these issues i have (i.e. my fears and consequences of them) are not who I am. Meaning, these behaviors are not ones that i want nor think are telling of the kind of person i am, such as my principles I hold, what i think is important in life, etc. My reactions due to my trust issues are basically reflexive and I really cant help it sometimes, no matter how hard i try. But my bf seems to think that it encompasses much more..He thinks it is more due to the fact that i view our relationship as nothing more than a bf-gf bond, and i dont see us in any True Serious way, as in marriage and future commitment. He doesnt think I see the bigger picture of things, as in the value of our relationship..otherwise I would trust him, and i wouldnt pick little fights about things, because I am not even thinking about later on when we have Real problems, say about money or our kids, etc. To him, these are things Worth fighting about, which is why he doesnt ever see a point in arguing about the unimportant things. This all makes sense to me and I 100% agree. But how do i get him to understand that it's almost like another force is driving me to act against my will at times...if that makes sense?

[justified3474]

You articulate yourself wonderfully, and you give a very fair and solid effort at analyzing your life without too much of the mandatory bias.

 

Thank you. And thank you for taking the time to print out and re-read my story.

 

Your father is probably experiencing (very appropriate) guilt due unto him, and perhaps some of that is why he attempts to 'pay' his way toward atoning for such evils.

 

The point I was trying to make was that I am not even sure if he Feels guilty, because I don't know if he Thinks/Believes he did anything wrong. Like how a criminal can fool a lie detector test if he truly believes he was innocent. This is what confuses me so much. I'm just not sure...even now, I can't describe him as an evil being or anything. One point in my life I did (when my mother was alive and they made each other miserable), but I saw him change drastically so now I don't know :/. I still hate what he did and sometimes I hate Him for it. Is it possible to forgive your abuser? Maybe you are right; maybe he feels he atoned by being an extra great dad after my mom died so he no longer feel guilty?

 

Maybe the police presence in your life recently was what it took to really SHOVE you into making an effort to begin to repair the damages of the past... and it really IS OK that those damages are so prominent, AND that you are having to humble yourself to take the first, scary steps.

 

Yes, after that happened, the scene looked all too familiar for me. I saw myself becoming a repeat of my childhood...especially what freaked me out was realizing how much of a mess i had become, possibly on the path to becoming like my mother, but never decided to accept it. It definitely was a wakeup call for me.

 

Thanks SincereGuy. I would love for one day to be freely me and happy~