Going for divorce...at long last.

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

Well, I've been back lurking around for a week or two, but now finally decided to tell my story. I need to type it out just to get things off my chest properly, and even if no one answers; at least I'll feel better for getting it out.

 

Two years last Feb my husband told me that he'd been seeing someone else. At that point we'd been married nearly 16 years and I thought we were happy. Not earthshatteringly so, but hey, after 16 years, are we all in the first throes of love?? I was completely devastated. I'd had no clue that he was having an affair; he hid it very well. The worst thing was that the affair had been going on for five years!! We have three children and it felt that not only had he betrayed me, he had betrayed them too.

 

I told him to get the hell out and move in with her if she was so damn good. He slept three nights on the sofa and spent the days trying to get me to change my mind. I could not.

 

He moved out. I told the kids we weren't getting on, (I did not tell them the real reason, I didn't want them to think their dad was a complete rat, even if I did), and hubby had visits two nights a week and every other weekend through the Summer. He also paid me some money every month for maintenance.

 

Come August, and hubby showed up a lot more often, then asked me if he could move back in. He had split with the mistress and had nowhere else to go. He blackmailed me by saying if he had to run own house/apartment, he would not be able to pay me maintenance, also it was better for the children if he was on site. He said he would convert his outside office to a bedroom for himself. I wavered and then eventually gave in. This was just for the sake of the kids only though. I had already had my love for him killed by what he had done. I could not take him back fully as all my trust was gone. Somehow we managed to rub along for another year, with me keeping it civil, although I was quietly dying inside. This sort of relationship is just too hard. I have not slept with him since the day he told me about the affair, although he made overtures several times. I couldn't, even the thought made me physically sick.

 

A year later, the following August, I met someone else whilst on a camping holiday with the kids (just me and them) and we have been seeing each other since. Hubby found out at Christmas and went slightly ballistic. We had a big row. I told him I was going to push for a divorce as I did not want to carry on the charade of marriage with him anymore. He persuaded me to hang on for a few more months; so I told him I would wait till our eldest had done his GCSEs, which I have done.

 

Last weekend I told him that I was now going to go ahead with the divorce. He spent two days trying to persuade me not to. I refused to change my mind. I said we should sit down together and tell the kids about it. Sunday he took the kids out and told them everything on the way home. Understandably they were stunned, and looking at ME as if I was the bad guy, as I'm the one who wants to do the divorcing, split up the family home etc.

 

I have seen a solicitor and have instructed her to start proceedings. I am very confused emotionally, but I do know that my marriage is dead, I have no feelings for my husband, and I will be happier (if slightly poorer) without him. I have no problem with him seeing the kids; indeed with letting the kids decide who they want to spend the majority of their time with. Hubby works long hours though, so it won't be practical for him to have custody, unless he makes some major lifestyle changes.

 

The next few months are going to be very, very hard, but I'm hoping to get through it intact.

 

Seahorse

[supermom]

Good for you for sticking your ground! 5 years? He did not only cheat on you, but the kids as well. You can use that in court to make sure he doesn't get custody, or that you get spousal support.

 

You poor thing! You did make the right decision, was more than patient, and God will help you along the way

 

Good Luck!!

[PamZee]

I cannot imagine being married that long and finding out my husband cheated on me. A friend of mine was married 30 years and her husband came home one day - said he was in love with someone else and had put the house up for sale and she needed to go on with her life.

 

Hard to do at age 55 after devoting 30 years to a man you thought you knew. She had to start all over - fortunately their one son was grown but still...

 

My father cheated on my mom but she had no where to go - she depended on him her whole life. They married at 15. She was stuck. The agony of his affairs put her in an early grave - she died at 63 from cancer. She was the most unhappiest woman I knew.

 

I recently divorced my husband after only 5 months of marriage - I couldn't trust him. He oogled women and flirted with them openly which led me to believe it would only be a matter of time before he screwed one of them. His porn addiction didn't help matters either. It's been a killer to actually go thru the divorce - many guilt trips were laid on me.

 

I'm grieving over the divorce and have had a really hard time but it's for the best.

 

Just don't expect divorce to be smooth sailing no matter how pissed you are - it's hard when the judge says "Divorce granted".

[seahorse]

Thank you pamzee and supermom for your messages. No, it won't be easy, and of course the judge saying Divorce Granted, is not the end of things. The kids will still see their dad, we both have parental responsibility for them for a few years to come. I will have to see him at times.

 

He finds it very hard to let go...and not to interfere in my life. If he goes out, I never ask him where or when he will be back...but he always asks me about my movements. I am a nice person (I think) and I find it hard to tell him to mind his own business at these times. However, I do go out, and I do tell him that I'm going out, and I don't go into details.

 

I've had to try and grow a very hard shell these last few months. Hubby says I'm not the woman he married. He's right there...I'm not a doormat anymore!

[CurlyIam]

Of course you're not the same person he married years ago. He made sure of it when cheating you! I can't believe the gut he must have to be telling you this!

 

Gosh, you've sacrificed enough years sticking with him. I am so mad, I feel I resent so much my ex for staying with him almost one more year! I feel he practically stole them from me, although it was I the weak one, not able to let it die!

 

I think it's outrageous him having that atitude. Yes he's about to loose you forever and it should serve him right! I cannot imagine what you're going through, having kids in this horrible situation he put you. Don't worry, they'll understand.

 

By the way, how are they taking the divorce these days?

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

The kids were very stunned last weekend when he told them. Poor little devils were getting everything chucked at them at once...dad's infidelity, me having met someone else, me wanting divorce, having to sell house and move etc etc. Kids are very resilient though...the youngest especially...very practical questions like where will we live, who will get cats etc.

 

The older two weren't so good, we had lots of tears...but are better than they were last weekend. I had an hour to kill in the local town midweek and had a walk round estate agents getting an idea of house prices there. Ouch, expensive. I had my eldest child with me and he got quite excited, suddenly realising that if we moved to town it would be much more convenient for seeing his friends, unlike now where we live out on the coast miles from anywhere.

 

I think hubby is annoyed that they aren't more upset than they are... He cannot believe I am going ahead and destroying all that he thought he would be able to hang onto. I've told him I won't change my mind...

 

I just can't wait for that solicitor's letter with my hubby's name on it to hit the doormat and for him to realise that this time I'm deadly serious.

 

Seahorse

[CurlyIam]

Seahorse, may I ask some not very easy questions?

 

First: How excited are you about the new man in you life? What's his role? Is he going to meet your children?Is he going to live with you?

 

Second: Are you sure about this? HAve you thought about it long and hard? HAve you really let your relationship go for good?

 

You seem very excited about ending your marriage and entering another phase of your life... Be sure to let it go, to mourn it and not to be regretting it later.

 

Third: You aren't doing this to get back at your ex, right? What did the kids decide? Did any of them choose you over him? I think it's a good idea to make them participate at the reconstruction of your life. Don't forget, after the novelty wears off, they may have a hard time adapting to the new life. Be very much focussed on them, talk a lot to them, make them open up to you. andof course, most importantly: don't drag them into the battle between you and your future ex hubsand. IT's best if they dont hear or see the bitterness, the heartacke, the fact that you seem to enjoy their father's sufferance. (As a woman, I think you're more than intitled to, but as a mother.... not really).

 

 

How many kids do you have and what age? I hope you find a great house!!!

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

Well, I'll try to answer as honestly as I can...

 

Firstly, the new man...well, what to say; our relationship has been very different from the one with my hubby. Mr New and Exciting I suppose, (been reading another thread where that role is mentioned). However, my marriage was well and truly over before he came along, hubby had told me about his affair 18 months before remember. I was feeling so miserable in the marriage that I'd taken the kids off for a few days camping...I just had to get away from hubby, he was making me crazy. I met this guy, (we'd talked a couple of times on a hobbyist site on the internet, so we had stuff in common, it was pure co-incidence that he lived near the camp site I'd planned to visit, in a county I loved to camp in). Our first meeting, with all my kids in tow, was friendly enough, he didn't know about my marriage history, in fact he thought I was a happily married woman. It honestly was just a drink and a chat with the kids there. It wasn't till a few weeks later on msn that I told him about what had happened with me. The relationship really took off from there. To answer your question, will he live with me and the kids. No, he won't. He likes where he lives and I like this county, and I can't see us getting together full time in the future. I have been too hurt in the past to completely open up to a full live in relationship with ANYONE for a long time. He knows this and we see each other every few weeks, have lots of fun and part again till next time. The kids like him well enough but I have impressed on them that when we move it will be just me and them.

 

Am I sure my marriage is over? You bet your life. It has been dead pretty much from the time my hubby told me what he'd done. Have you ever flicked a light switch off? That's what it felt like to me. My love was turned off, and I can't turn it back on. The hurt and betrayal took me over for months, and when I came out the other end of it, I was emotionally dead inside. I couldn't even look at hubby for months because I would remember what he'd done and it would start me off again.

 

Yes I am excited (if you could call it that) about ending my marriage...don't forget I have been living a lie for two and a half years...it's well past time to move on and I am ready to. I spent a year mourning it; that is the correct word; I felt like my marriage was dead; my relationship with my husband had died, and it should be mourned. I missed everything about it; sometimes I thought it would have been easier if he HAD died, at least I wouldn't have to still look at him and remember that he had hurt me so much. I could NOT BELIEVE that he could have deceived me so much, that he had it in him to do that to me. We were supposed to be soul mates, had been so close for so long, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I don't think anything (apart from maybe losing a child, God forbid) could hurt me more.

 

The children have not yet decided who they want to live with. Where they are concerned I have only ever had their emotional welfare at heart. Remember I did not tell them about their dad's affair right back at the beginning. If I'd wanted revenge on him I could easily have done that. I could have divorced him right away for revenge, I could have phoned up his mistress, made life hard for the both. I did none of these things. I am not a vengeful person...I was stunned, hurt, miserable, shocked etc etc., but not vengeful. My husband says I'm doing this to get back at him, he is totally wrong. I am only looking forward to being out of this excuse for a marriage to move on with my life. My husband also says I'm being callous and selfish and lots of other things, that I'm only thinking of myself and not the children, else how could I do this to them? Split the family up, make them move house etc etc.

 

As for bitterness, yes I have plenty in my heart, but none of it has been allowed to spill out for the children to hear...I've used friends (I'm surprised they're not all heartily sick of me by now) , relatives and forums like this to offload to. One of my children told me that their dad had said "Your mum will move off to ______ and go and live with _______. Your mum just wants to split the family up, she doesn't care how I feel" It sounds to me like he is the one spilling bitterness out to the kids, to get them on his side. I have told the kids that I have been very unhappy in the marriage since their dad was unfaithful and did they want me to be unhappy any longer. I've been honest with them in that I've said things will get tougher before they get better, but that I can't live like this, being so miserable for any longer, and that I will respect their wishes about who they want to live with. That it's totally up to them. I have tried to be fair and honest with both kids and hubby. (Although after what he did, I don't feel he deserves any fairness at all tbh). Am I enjoying his sufferance? Tbh, I don't care that he's hurting, he hurt me first. I feel nothing in any way about how he feels now.

 

There is no way that I'll regret this divorce, I only wish that I'd had the sense to do it right back at the start. I'd not have wasted two years plus. As I told the kids, I've stuck it out for over two years...I can't do it any more.

 

I have three kids, 16, 14, 10. All boys.

 

 

Seahorse.

[CurlyIam]

Oh,I thought they were younger. It's good, they are old enough to understand what's going on.

 

I'm sorry I asked that, I... Sometimes I hate myself for it, but I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing, weather leaving or staying.

 

If you took your time and are sure about this, then what can I say, may your divorce unfold smoothly. You desirve it.

 

I also hope he won't use the kids to get back at you. I hope you find your peace of mind and that your kids will all decide to live with you. Be sure to share if things get tough again.

 

I hope you did confront him about the crap he's been telling your kids! I hope you're not making it easy for him!

 

Why do you keep talking about the divorce papers, do you think he's not gonna believe you? Isn't that hilarious!!! I have never been married, but I do know a bit about manipulation in a long term relationship. So I can relate to your wanting out fast!

 

 

Your kids are lucky to have you as a mother, they'll do the right thing!

[seahorse]

The solicitor's letter came today, addressed to my husband. He's gone very quiet, and has taken off for the evening. It advised him to get some legal help, and that I would be divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour.

 

The ride's about to get bumpy folks.

 

Seahorse