Controlling Parents trying to Stop my marriage.

[chickadee08]

I'm new to this site so I'm not sure if I'm posting this thread under the right forum or not, but I do have an issue that I am struggling with. My parents are trying relentlessly to stop me from getting married. I am 24 years old and I do still live at home, mainly because I moved back after college to help my Daddy farm, but I have found myself miserable with that decision and have since decided to leave. Now that I am engaged, I have a chance to start my own life with my future husband away from the farm and my parents. Ever since I got engaged my parents have made my life decisions all about them. Keep in mind, they've controlled me through guilt and fear my whole life, and I have been submissive to them because I don't know any better. As I've gotten older though, I can see the manipulation and the control and I absolutely cannot stand it. I dated my fiance for two years before he put a ring on my finger and he got along with my parents great. They never voiced any concerns to me about him at all and now that I'm getting married and moving it's been one thing right after another. They're initial excuses were "I don't want you moving 25 minutes away and I don't want you living in a trailer" They said I needed to date my fiance longer to get to know him better and that my heart isn't in the right place regarding wanting to get married. My mother think it is just unheard of to get married six months after getting engaged. My fiance and I are also paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents have a my way or the highway attitude (by my parents I mean my mother, but my Daddy is so whipped by her he says whatever she wants to hear just to make her happy...no matter the hurt he causes others.) For that reason, we are paying for our own wedding just to eliminate the "I'm paying for it so I'll have it my way." My mother says I'm being disrespectful to them by not waiting two more years to get married and not letting them pay for it because the Bible says you are to honor your mother and father. Just recently darts were thrown between my father and my fiance...which my father threw the first one. My fiance apologized for his actions, but my parents say they are not apologizing for anything because they haven't done anything wrong. Also I might add, I agreed to let my parents pay for my wedding dress...I took my mother shopping with me and picked the dress, but she wouldn't pay for it that day so I left the store with nothing and she has yet to mention buying it. My wedding in in October, so it's pretty obvious she's using not buying the dress as a way to control when the wedding happens. Little does she know I went and bought the dress and it will be here in plenty of time for the wedding. But as with every other little detail, I'm pretty much planning my wedding behind my parents backs. Everyone else, except my parents, are thrilled for us. My parents even went as far as to reach out to rally the troops and get my aunt and uncle on their side. I'm feeling that I should move out now, but I'm afraid it will just make things worse with my work situation...since Daddy is doing absolutely nothing about finding my replacement. They don't tell people I'm getting married...it's like they're ashamed of it. And they shouldn't be...my fiance and I are both devout Christians and of the same race. We don't drink, smoke, etc. My parents completely ignore that I'm getting married. My mother has yet to tell me Congratulations or that she's happy for me much less ask if there is anything she can do to help. But then, she puts on a pity party and has the nerve to ask why all the planning is being done behind her back. We're doing absolutely nothing wrong. I don't know how to handle this and I'm running out of time. HELP!

Edited June 24, 2012 by chickadee08

[Radu]

I'm new to this site so I'm not sure if I'm posting this thread under the right forum or not, but I do have an issue that I am struggling with. My parents are trying relentlessly to stop me from getting married. I am 24 years old and I do still live at home, mainly because I moved back after college to help my Daddy farm, but I have found myself miserable with that decision and have since decided to leave. Now that I am engaged, I have a chance to start my own life with my future husband away from the farm and my parents. Ever since I got engaged my parents have made my life decisions all about them. Keep in mind, they've controlled me through guilt and fear my whole life, and I have been submissive to them because I don't know any better. As I've gotten older though, I can see the manipulation and the control and I absolutely cannot stand it. I dated my fiance for two years before he put a ring on my finger and he got along with my parents great. They never voiced any concerns to me about him at all and now that I'm getting married and moving it's been one thing right after another. They're initial excuses were "I don't want you moving 25 minutes away and I don't want you living in a trailer" They said I needed to date my fiance longer to get to know him better and that my heart isn't in the right place regarding wanting to get married. My mother think it is just unheard of to get married six months after getting engaged. My fiance and I are also paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents have a my way or the highway attitude (by my parents I mean my mother, but my Daddy is so whipped by her he says whatever she wants to hear just to make her happy...no matter the hurt he causes others.) For that reason, we are paying for our own wedding just to eliminate the "I'm paying for it so I'll have it my way." My mother says I'm being disrespectful to them by not waiting two more years to get married and not letting them pay for it because the Bible says you are to honor your mother and father. Just recently darts were thrown between my father and my fiance...which my father threw the first one. My fiance apologized for his actions, but my parents say they are not apologizing for anything because they haven't done anything wrong. Also I might add, I agreed to let my parents pay for my wedding dress...I took my mother shopping with me and picked the dress, but she wouldn't pay for it that day so I left the store with nothing and she has yet to mention buying it. My wedding in in October, so it's pretty obvious she's using not buying the dress as a way to control when the wedding happens. Little does she know I went and bought the dress and it will be here in plenty of time for the wedding. But as with every other little detail, I'm pretty much planning my wedding behind my parents backs. Everyone else, except my parents, are thrilled for us. My parents even went as far as to reach out to rally the troops and get my aunt and uncle on their side. I'm feeling that I should move out now, but I'm afraid it will just make things worse with my work situation...since Daddy is doing absolutely nothing about finding my replacement. They don't tell people I'm getting married...it's like they're ashamed of it. And they shouldn't be...my fiance and I are both devout Christians and of the same race. We don't drink, smoke, etc. My parents completely ignore that I'm getting married. My mother has yet to tell me Congratulations or that she's happy for me much less ask if there is anything she can do to help. But then, she puts on a pity party and has the nerve to ask why all the planning is being done behind her back. We're doing absolutely nothing wrong. I don't know how to handle this and I'm running out of time. HELP!

 

Keep in mind that right now your mom probably sees in your fiance her enemy #1, so she will continue to do this kind of stuff.

As times goes by, she might get to you, when you are at a low in your marriage [it happens, it always happens], so you need clear boundaries with her.

 

I would not advise to do what i'm about to say because it may not work with your parents.

I would get close to my dad, and if she continues to be such a b*tch [no offense], i would elope.

I doubt that your fiance's parents will be gravely dissapointed, parents are generally more affected if they can't see their dream of their little girl in a white dress.

It's an ugly way to assert control and tell her to mind her own damn business.

 

I also happened to notice you mentioned race in all of this, is your mom racist by any chance ?

[chickadee08]

No, No. No one is racist. I wasn't trying to make it sound that way. I was just proving the point that they don't have any reason at all to be trying to stop me from getting married.

[Radu]

Oh, she has a reason, and you are onto it.

 

She wants to be in charge of you, and all of this is a power struggle.

 

I'm just pointing out that you are going to have to make a decision between your parents and your future family right now.

You could have both, but only if she will let you.

[chickadee08]

You are right! She does have a reason, in her mind anyway. But let's face it, that's not a real, honest reason to try and put a stop to a marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that that's not a legitimate concern! And I do have to choose between my family now and my future family. The Bible says that when a man finds himself between his mother and his wife he is to choose his wife. The answer is clear of who I am to choose...it's just that they've controlled me with fear and guilt for 24 years, so it's easier said than done. I'm scared to make the move because I'm afraid of what they'll say. I guess my real problem is assuring myself that I'm right and they're wrong and finding a way to free myself from the guilty feeling and finding the courage to walk away! I can assure you, there is no way she will let me have both. My parents aren't gonna believe I'm really leaving until I'm already gone!

[Seductive]

My heart goes out to you,because breaking free and standing up for yourself to controlling parents can be much more hard than jumping through a roof of fire.

 

Here's what you need to overcome where you don't allow your parents' guilt and opinions to impact you. This isn't going to be easy, but it's worth it.

 

1) Accept that your parents will get upset when you try to control your own life. Let them be upset. They're responsible for their emotions, and not you. All what they can do is yell, but don't let that control your actions.

 

2) Show that you respect their opinions and that you aren't abandoning them. Parents like this are very insecure and need validation from their kids. In the end, you are the only one that can do what you want. Nobody can physically or legally stop you. This is why emotional manipulation and guilt is so powerful. It makes people feel like they're forced into doing something that they don't want to do.

 

3) Release your guilt. You have the right to live the way you want to live. You have the right to be happy. If someone wants to guilt you, that's their problem. It doesn't have to be your problem.

 

This isn't easy and takes a lot of strength. The more confidence you have, the more easier it is to walk away. Be self-assured that things will work out when you do things your way.

[pink_sugar]

I had this happen with my dad when I got married. I can understand his unhappiness as I was only 19....but it's been 4 years now and he still cannot let it go. We should have gone with out initial plans and eloped, but I really wanted a wedding, which did involve a lot of drama which really sidetracked us from the point of the celebration. He will not be invited to any renewals or anniversaries. OP, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. This is your life now and do what makes you happy, you will learn you can never please everyone.

[CC12]

I guess my real problem is assuring myself that I'm right and they're wrong

 

Hope I can help with you assuring yourself. You are right and they are wrong, which I think you already know, but it's always nice to hear an outsider's perspective.

 

and finding a way to free myself from the guilty feeling and finding the courage to walk away!

 

Never feel guilty for growing up and starting a life of your own. This is what people are supposed to do, and most parents (even yours, probably) understand this. You've been doing really well so far in dodging their attempts to control you (paying for your own dress and wedding) which is really great. You're already making adult decisions on your own, so just keep that up.

 

You might want to start planning to move out of their house relatively soon. May as well. Warn them that you're going to start looking for a new job and that as soon as you find one, you are going to give them two week's notice and that they'll need to find a replacement for you.

 

If you're in a financial position that you can move out without having a job lined up first, then you have the flexibility of giving them a little more time, say a month, maximum, to adjust to the fact that you won't be there anymore. If they don't find a replacement for you, you've done all you can reasonably do to help them with the transition and no one in their right mind could begrudge you of this.

 

As far as your mother being hurt that you are not including her in the plans, tell her that it makes you uncomfortable to talk about it with her because you know she disapproves and that you were trying to be respectful by not shoving it under her nose. Tell her that you'd love for her to be a part of it if she can respect your decisions and be a gracious participant. If she agrees, let her in on some of the less important aspects that she won't be able to exert control over, like helping you address the invitations or putting together your centerpieces or whatever. But that's entirely up to you. If you don't want her involvement at all, you have every right.

 

Good luck and congratulations on your engagement and getting out from underneath your parents. It's hard, but very much worth it.

[denise_xo]

Sometimes parents are just toxic and then the best way forward is just to remove yourself from them. I've had longish periods of NC with my mother. We are now back on better terms, but I absolutely refuse to allow her to poison my mind or life again. To be fair, she never intended to - but she has had a bunch of personal issues that were not always very compatible with child rearing.

 

When I first told her I was getting married, she completely freaked out. I just told her I was going ahead with it whether she liked it or not, and that I can not live my life based on her irrational fears. She came around, though, and today they have a good relationship.

[pink_sugar]

I agree, denise. My H's mom and stepfather used to freak out over everything we said and did over facebook that had nothing to do with them. However, all their other friends could say and do what they pleased. The solution: keeping them off facebook permanently and disconnecting ourselves from them.

[MuscleCarFan]

I would agree. Your parents are acting ridiculous, so I think you and your man should go elope. It's your life so do as you please and do what makes you happy, not your parents.

[Gagirl]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It's ashame they can't support your choices and move on. After I got engaged my mother waited a few months and told me I couldn't see him anymore. Two weeks later we went to the Justice of Peace and made it legal. We kept our marriage on the downlow for 6 months until we got good jobs and moved 10 hours away. We still lived in our parents houses separately until we got our jobs. No one ever knew but, it sure felt great one upping that controlling woman. We have been married for over 20

years now. Finally told everyone my real marriage date this year when I posted Happy Anniversary to him on Facebook. Good Luck with your situation. Hang in there, October will be here soon. Once you're free from the abuse, you will live your life like never before. You will learn so many things about yourself and find new interests you never thought you could do. You confidence and self-esteem will increase greatly!! Congratulations on your marriage.