figuring out if she's my soulmate...but i have to find her first

[bluewater]

About 12 years ago I worked with a woman (I am a woman as well) for 4 years, and became friends. She was married and had a lot of problems in the marriage. She confided in me that she had "thought about leaving" but she "didn't know" and other comments about being unhappy.

 

I was single (and gay, though I never told her, and I know from another friend she has a gay sister). I’m now in a not-that-happy relationship myself, of a little over 2.5 years, which has nearly ended several times already. Through the 4 years, there was definitely a growing attraction between us, though because she was married, I never acted on it…many instances of flirting ("You're so good at your job", "The students love you", etc.), The attractive tension was thick but we never "took it to the next level". During my last year in that position, we went to a tearjerker movie. We cried our way through it, then sat on a bench & talked about it, and about stuff, over coffee, and she again talked about how she was unhappy in her marriage. I simply said, he sounds like a man who's seeking something. It was like we were the only ones in the world. At the end of the evening, there was a sort of move to hug each other goodnight but we didn't. Once I had a naptime dream about her. Within 10 minutes of me waking up, she called me, which she rarely did. We mostly just talked at work. She said she was just thinking of me and wanted to say HI. We totally "got" each other.

 

I ended up leaving that job for another in a state 500 miles away. I know she was hurt when I left because my last day there I tried to give her a card (i.e., keep in touch, we will always be friends). But, she wouldn't even talk to me. She just took it and put it aside. I tried to get her to go hang out before I actually moved, but she refused. So I just said, OK, and left.

 

Several months later, a former colleague invited me back to help with a party. I asked about my “ex friend” and the friend I was helping told me stories about how she was really unhappy at home, with an abusive husband. During the party, my "ex-friend" (for lack of a better term) came to just to hang out, which was fine, because all three of us were friends.

 

After the party as I was cleaning up alone, my "ex-friend" came into the room, walked up to me, and hugged me as if I was the last person on earth. I resisted the urge to kiss her on the cheek - I didn't want to overstep boundaries or totally confuse her. She asked me when I was leaving, and it was that afternoon. I said to her, "Come with me." She stopped short of saying no by saying, "I have to get tenured *somewhere*." She looked so sad. I tried emailing her after that, but she never responded. The year after I left, she went to another job.

 

During these past 7 years, I have had more dreams about her. A little over 2 years ago, I moved back, 2 hours from my “ex-friend”. I never tried to contact her, just trying to let sleeping dogs lie, as it were. But last week, a 'switch' her an actual letter to say, I'm back, here's my info, contact me if you want to. I don't have ulterior motives other than just to reconnect. I found out she moved 4 years ago, still in the same city. I can't figure out her new address. She was still married at the time she moved, and I don't know if she still is.

Oddly, I went to a concert in her town recently and ACTUALLY SAW HER THERE. I was walking out of the parking deck and she was at the building entrance. I tried to get down there in time, but couldn't. I know for sure it was her but I couldn't find her either before or after the show. I was near-devastated but figured maybe it was supposed to be that way.

 

 

I don't want to freak her out. I wonder if she ever thinks of me too. I miss her very much. If nothing is there, at least I'll know. I need to find out if we can ever even rekindle a friendship, at least. Should I write that letter, and send it? How do I do it without her thinking I'm a stalker? Email at work is out. I don't know her email and I feel like an actual phone call really would put her on the spot. What should I do?

Edited June 24, 2012 by bluewater