erbailey Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 First of all sorry this is so long... I am new here but have noone else to go to so here it goes... I have been married for almost 5 years. It started bad. I wanted to be friends, he wanted more, I told him i didnt want to be with him...he called drunk threatening suicide and month later I was married. He is a really nice guy...but I almost feel he is obsessed with me...He tells me he loves me about 50 times a day (no exageration). I have no friends, I am only "allowed to be around his parents and other people he knows. I am miserable. He wont take care of himself...he is about 400 pounds and diabetic but could care less...he is depressed constanly about everything in the world he cant have...money, winning the lottery...We have nothing in common...He says I am always a bitch as does his mother...I cant live like this anymore... We have had ongoing problems. These obessions with money and his spoiled attitude has been going on for years. I told him i needed time to think and needed to get away but he didnt understand and I ended up staying. He says everything is fine despite me constantly telling him that I am not happy. Its like he is living in a fantasy. We were trying to have children about a year ago but we are unable to have them. I mentioned adoption and be said basically "Whatever". I did research on the subject and told him that it was very expensive and wanted to now how far he would go. I expressed that I would give everything I am and have to have a child. I asked him how abd he wanted this, he didnt understand so I put it in perspective. I wasked hime "would you sell all of your guns to have a child?" (he is an avid collector). His answer was "Hell NO". Since that day I have been dead emotionaly. I asked him to go to counseling and he refuses... I have no feelings for him...I feel like I am in a cult...I dream of finding someone with common interests and what it feels like to be in love. Counseling was my last effort and now I offically dont care...I need some advise. I married when I was 19 and now am only 25, I refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me miserable, i dont want to hurt him I just want to be happy. I am scared, I work for his parents, and feel so trapped...please help!! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 I wanted to be friends, he wanted more, I told him i didnt want to be with him...he called drunk threatening suicide and month later I was married. That was a bad start! Getting married at 19 is way too young I know, I was married @ 19, divorced at 21, remarried at 23 and now have a child and btw, I am 25 too. You are still young and have a chance at a life more fulfilling than this! I too was I am only "allowed to be around his parents and other people he knows and now I do not allow any man to tell me what to do. I am a faithful wife, but I do make sure I have a life. I am bitter about that because of my ex. Now back to you.... I think divorce is the best way to go. He calls you a bitch and his mother calls you a bitch, wtf is the point for sticking around anyway? And to threaten suicide just to get you to marry him? He used that as a ploy to get to you...and may use that again. Usually when people threated suicide, they want to be saved, but if you are unsure, call the cops! They will deal with it. He is emotionally abusing you. Not fair. You are too young and you have so much potential to live a happy life. And he doesn't want to go to counceling!? I would tell him, you are saying no to counceling...you are saying no to this marriage continuing. I would be serious. Please let me know how you are doing. This is a totally toxic marriage and way to live your life! Good luck but please think seriously about leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 He never needed a wife. He badly needed - and still needs - a competent therapist. Leave this marriage. If you're worried about him, call your local health authorities and tell them he's threatened suicide if you left, but don't stay any longer. This is not a marriage in any sense of the word and there is no reason you should remain in it. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 You knew you did not marry this man and yet you allowed him to make you responsible for his life at the expense of your own happiness, to the extent that you did went along with what he wanted. Why did you do that? You know you need to leave this marriage. When you do you need to do so decisively, causing as little damage as possible to everyone concerned. You need to be strong. Until you understand what it was that got you into this position in the first place, you may not be able to get out or the ending may be very drawn out and damaging for you both. Was it just that you felt responsible for him or do you think it was because you have had little experience of being loved in your life? You may need help to leave this marriage. Meanwhile, make sure you avoid pregnancy and look for another job. When times get hard think of the happiness that will be yours in the future. You will make it. Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Wow...sounds like a terrible spot to be in. As I was reading your post, I had a strong image of a prisoner being watched over by the big yucky warden! And children? Oh no...don't subject anymore innocent lives to this relationship...you are far better off working on having children at a much later time in your life...IMO In addition (and I only speak from personal experience) it seems that counseling would be in order for yourself, just to figure out why you would stay in a relationship you were unhappy in. Its a bummer...but those of us who have hung out in an abusive relationship need to look at our part of the relationship in order to protect ourselves from repeating the same pattern/relationship issues over again. The old saying, history repeats itself, is very true. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 A 400 lb depressed gun collector with obsession issues and an enabling mother both of whom refer to you as a "bitch." Hmmmm. From the perspective of an abused male and completely respecting the advice that others have given you regarding leaving right now I have to say if you can't SAFELY leave now you need to start planning your future. First get some counselling. Check with local agencies or even the local police for a domestic violence counselling service. DO NOT use your phone or your cell phone or your computer to make inquiries -- use a public pay phone or a phone of a friend. Your husband may be so obsessed that he may be tracking you more than you think. Second, think of a safety plan. If you have to leave this instant what would you do, where would you go. You need to have a plan. The domestic violence counsellors can give you some ideas or look it up at your local library. Third, start keeping a diary of incidents in a bound notebook and keep the notebook in a secret place that your husband would never be able to find or get to. Write down what happens that makes you feel like something is wrong with your relationship keep it to the facts of what happened and how you felt. Don't put in things like "he's such an assh*le" and the like. You can re-read your diary when you move out and it will give you strength and let you know you are doing the right thing. It could come in handy in court too if things go that far. Fourth, you need to step back from this situation emotionally and look at it as a non-involved third party would do. What advice would you give this person? Stay in the relationship? Leave? My guess is you'd say leave but you know that is easier said than done which is why you need to get into a counselling program so you can develop the strength you need to do what you know you have to do. Eventually. Try not to use a computer that your husband has access to for getting information about domestic violence or your situation. Go to the public library and see if they have public internet stations or find a friend that has internet and is on your side. Link to post Share on other sites
TreeHugger Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Fantastic feedback Craig!!! You sound like a clear, supportive person! Link to post Share on other sites
Author erbailey Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 Thanks for the advise. I know that I need to leave. On the other hand, he makes me feel so guilty for hurting him. I realize that is how I got here in the first place. Craig, I have been planning for my future, in some cases for my future alone. I want to go to graduate school and I know that he has no intention of "letting me" or going with me. It is diffucult to look ahead when there is so much baggage now. Reading your advise made me realize that I am moving in the right direction, thank you. I felt very selfish before when I was thinking about my own future and "planning", now I feel "sure". I am seeing a counseler who is great and supportive. If this would have happened 5 years ago I had really close friends to talk to but now I just feel really alone most of the time. Being so closly involved in my situation, I really could not tell how "toxic" it was, I knew something was wrong and there were some definite issues. It really does take someone outside, a third person, to confirm that I was right. I told my husband last night that I was unhappy (he knew something was wrong). Miserable, I think, was the word that I used. I told him I feel dead emotionally, and I really didnt care about our marriage anymore. He said he would change and for me to "get happy". He assured me that as soon as he got to "go hunting" (that is how he relaxes he says) that everything would be fine. He kept telling me to "get happy" and then for the rest of the night when he got a chance he groped me and tried to get me to have sex with him. I have never felt more like an object in my life. It was like he didn't hear anything I said. When I refused he pouted and fell asleep. I have never been more confident that I am doing the right thing. Thank you all for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
digger Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 mY WIFE REFUSED IT TO AFTER 21 YEARS YET IM NOT GIVING UP Link to post Share on other sites
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