I can't believe this is happening to me

[veralwr]

I am new here. My life has turned upside down recently.

 

A little background, I am in my mid 20's and had never had much experience dating before. I've been very unlucky in love but it's always something I desperately wanted (like everyone...).

 

I signed up for a dating site late very last year and began communicating with a man who said he was 35 and a single father to a teenager. We had a lot in common and there seemed to be something there, so we ended up meeting in January. We live about 175 miles apart, but met up in a large city (much closer to him). We hit it off immediately. I have never had a connection with someone like him before. He is handsome, funny, smart, interesting, caring, affectionate, and most of all...he seemed to really care about me.

 

Because of the distance we don't get to see each other very much, but he frequently travels into my state for work. For the past 4 months, we would meet up in whatever city he was in, we would do fun things in the city, make love (I lost my virginity to him on our 3rd date), and just have an amazing time all around. He would frequently text me sweet and thoughtful texts. I thought I finally had something great come into my life and I was so excited.

 

Now, I am a bit of an "internet detective", so when I was first getting to know him I did A LOT of googling to make sure he was legit. He has a public career so it is not hard to find information. He doesn't have any social network sites (he said he is a private person and dislikes facebook, etc), but a few of his family members and friends do. I found numerous pictures of him, everything he told me about his career seemed to line up, etc. There was never a sign of a wedding ring or a girlfriend or a wife or anything in pictures or in his friends' comments, etc.

 

I was on my way to falling in love.

 

However...a couple weeks ago his contact turned very infrequent. I knew something was up, I thought he met someone else, but he kept denying it. He assured me he was just going through a difficult time and that we would work through it, etc. But… something felt wrong to me. I wasn't sure what it was, but I just didn't believe him.

 

Again I started googling him, and I ended up doing a reverse address search with his address, and discovered a woman's name. Finding her name, I was able to find her on a few social network sites and quickly discovered that he is married. He has 3 children, not one. His youngest is less than a year old. I thought, well….maybe they're separated....maybe this....maybe that.....but from reading her status updates, I can tell that they're still together. I wonder if she has any idea. I also found out he is significantly older than what he told me.

 

I don't know what to do. I really want to confront him, but I want to do it in person. I am terrified if I confront him on the phone that he will just hang up on me. As stupid as it sounds, I really want to give him a proper goodbye and see him one last time.

 

But then there's also a part of me wants to pretend I know nothing and just continue like normal…or I could confront him but still continue our relationship. We have so much chemistry, and I don't want to lose that. I can't believe that this is even a thought in my head.

 

I hate that he has put me in this predicament. I have always been "a good girl", which is something he's always liked about me. And now I find out that I'm a mistress?

 

I'm still a bit in denial. So much of his identity has been wrapped up in him being a single dad. It's just hard to fathom that at home he has a wife and 3 kids...one of which is a small baby.... and his family is beautiful His wife seems so nice, his children are absolutely adorable. What in the world is he doing with me???

 

I can't help but wonder what has been real or genuine about our relationship. Has he just been using me? Does he care about me at all?

 

I'm just so completely devastated. I don't know what to do. I regret meeting him.

Edited June 25, 2012 by veralwr
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[whichwayisup]

Why give him a 'proper' goodbye? This guy knew all along what he was doing and he STILL broke your virginity. KNOWING FULL WELL what he was doing.. See the evil and selfishness in this man.

 

You want closure? Send him an email. "I know the truth about you. You are older than you said you are, you have THREE children, not just one, you are married. You lied to me, you used me and you broke my heart. DO NOT EVER contact me again. If you dare do so, I will speak to your wife and tell her what you've done behind her back. Trust me when I say this, because I have nothing to lose by letting her know what a f'ing scumbag you truly are. Goodbye."

 

Seriously, consider sending him something like that.

 

This man is screwed up and not worthy of you. Forget him.. grieve the loss, heal and move on. Sorry that he was your first.

[RickFox]

You don't owe him a proper goodbye.

 

He doiesn't care about you and the only thing he's been genuine about is that he's a father. This is about as unlucky in love as you can get. Save yourself and cut it off right now.

[MissBee]

The answer is NO he has NOT at all been genuine. He was posing as a single father of a teen, when he is a married man with 3 kids, one of whom is an infant! He lied to you, is lying to his wife, and is denying his own kids...how horrible! Your entire relationship was built on lies.

 

You have admitted to not having experience with relationships and being a virgin...I honestly believe that he took advantage of your inexperience. You said you desperately wanted love and a relationship, and unfortunately, when we get to that place, sometimes we end up meeting people who sense this, play this to their advantage and we give it all up without taking it slowly and paying attention.

 

I'm very sorry that this happened to you. This man is terrible. I don't think you need to give him a "proper" in person goodbye, a phone call or email calling him out and then being done, where you cut him off, is what I'd do personally. What can he say? Please don't be so desperate for sweet nothings that you allow him to talk his way out of this mess....there is NO justification for his lies. You aren't that desperate hon. He was the first man you were with sexually and romantically it seems, and he was a sleaze. That is unfortunate that it was your first experience and I think it is probably even more hurtful....but not every guy is this way and now that you know the truth, you should take the lessons from it and run the other way. Please don't meet up or allow yourself to be suckered in as his OW. You're still young and deserve a lot more than trying to close one eye, squint and patch together a relationship with a long distance, married, lying sleaze. On to the next!

Edited June 25, 2012 by MissBee

[TooInvolved2]

Live and learn. I just scanned your post, but it doesn't seem you did anything wrong. Keep your head up.

[skywriter]

QUOTE]Just_A_Poster,Wait - you want to give this scumbag a 'proper' goodbye?

 

Here's a great idea for the proper goodbye.

 

Call his WIFE and tell her what a piece of LYING crap he is and how he bamboozled you into giving him your virginity because he SCAMMED you into believing he was available.

 

Why the hell WOULDN'T you tell his wife? You owe him absolutely zero loyalty. ZERO.

 

If I live to be 1,000, I'll NEVER understand why women continue to be loyal to lying scam artists once they find out the truth.

 

 

These guys are so manipulative and choose vulnerable people. It's as if we become brainwashed by them.

 

Once you are emotionally and physically involved, it's as if all logic is cast aside. Then confronting them with the truth causes you to have to accept the truth.

 

You'd rather accept a lie than to have to deal with the pain that comes with the truth.

 

The fact is that once you take that step with a conflict avoider, who expects you to follow along with his rules, you'll see one angry coward.

[Snakechammah]

I am sorry this happened to you. You deserve much better. Kick him to the curb!

 

On a sidenote, I applaud your IMPRESSIVE detective work. Your curious mind and endless research have saved you from future heartache. Well done!

 

You seem like a lovely person and not sinister at all, thinking his family is beautiful and his children so adorable... I wish the very best for you. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this. I'm sure you will meet an awesome person soon, please don't give up on love (after this douchbag!)

 

Good luck!

[KatZee]

Proper goodbye?

 

Yeah, no.

 

Sorry but this guy is an A*hole with a capital A. He deserves nothing from you. No loyalty, no kindness, NOTHING.

 

And I'm not above contacting his wife either. He's a disgusting human being, and honestly he's out having sex with you and an affair with you... I guarantee you 10000000% you're not the only one.

 

Not only is he disrespecting his wife, he's putting her and her health in danger. And the fact he feels he can do this to his poor kids? One who is just 1?!!

 

I would contact her immediately. But be aware you're not going to get kindness from her, she'll probably bite your head right off. So be prepared with pictures, text evidence, information only she would know about him, dates he's been away in other cities, etc. She deserves to know what a lying, cheating, filthy pig he is.

[Alice2012]

Stay away from dating sites if you're looking for a single man.

 

Chances are the "divorced," "separated" and "in the process of divorce/separating" man you hook up with is VERY married.

 

Even the ones who are "single" are usually very married.

[UpwardForward]

I applaud you for having the patience to want to wait until you see him in person. And w no emails or phone calls.

 

IMO it's not about a 'proper goodbye' - but to look into his eyes, with the info you have found - and demand your answers. Answers as to why he used and played you. You are entitled to that. And he shouldn't be given warning.

 

If he is indeed married, he probably started this internet/dating site stuff around the time of his last child - either during pregnancy or after.

[UpwardForward]

Stay away from dating sites if you're looking for a single man.

 

Chances are the "divorced," "separated" and "in the process of divorce/separating" man you hook up with is VERY married.

 

Even the ones who are "single" are usually very married.

 

Even the single ones are a mess..

[MissBee]

These guys are so manipulative and choose vulnerable people. It's as if we become brainwashed by them.

 

Once you are emotionally and physically involved, it's as if all logic is cast aside. Then confronting them with the truth causes you to have to accept the truth.

 

You'd rather accept a lie than to have to deal with the pain that comes with the truth.

 

The fact is that once you take that step with a conflict avoider, who expects you to follow along with his rules, you'll see one angry coward.

 

 

One of the truest posts ever. This is so true on every level!

[Alice2012]

I can't help but wonder what has been real or genuine about our relationship. Has he just been using me? Does he care about me at all?

 

 

Whatever you do, DON'T ask him these questions. You're looking for validation and that's something that can turn you into an other woman with this guy.

 

There is nothing to wonder about. He was indeed using you and didn't care about you. Nothing about it was real. He only cares about himself. You are probably not the only woman either.

 

The most dangerous thing you can do is seek validation from him. If you do this, you may get sucked back in with the "valid" excuses he'll come up with. And someone like him will smell that desperation a mile away.

 

This has nothing to do with your worth. You don't need his validation.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Alice2012