Sister Wives

[MissBee]

I have to wonder how many OW would lose interest, if everything was out in the open.

 

From what I understand ---a big factor in fueling a lot of affairs is the excitement of sneaking around---and for some OW (not all) it's about competing with, and besting another woman.

 

I am curious to hear from those who don't want MM to leave in particular, and those whose MM isn't saying his wife is his roommate etc, but who for all intents and purposes still dos his husbandly duties, why would they have a problem with an open-sharing agreement? I stated my reasons why I would have had a problem with it, but I'm hoping for some other responses.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee,

 

I think you might consider inviting your friend to check out this site.

 

I don't think she will.

 

Although she is not content, she's in that stage where she is still full of hope, bargaining to be a second wife, and is head over heels. I don't think she is looking for a reality check and so even when her and I talk...I always err on the side of not waiting, and bringing up my situation and other people's situations and agreeing with her when she says she isn't going to wait and when she truthfully discusses the realities, but I can also tell that only so much penetrates and I also know how it is to be in the fog and how defensive and upset people can get so I try to help her and tell her the truth in a palatable way. I think online allows for you to be a lot more frank with people, especially since they are not your friend, and if she did come here, she'd be able to hear people's take on her story with no filter because they are her friend and don't want to uspet he friendship. She is an incredibly smart woman, PhD candidate and all, she counsels other people...but she is a human and this is her vice I guess.

 

Although to be honest, when she told me the second wife thing, it took my all not to ask her if she was dumb. I was sitting at dinner with her and nearly choked on my soup when she casually said it, as though it was perfectly reasonable. Last year she was saying how she's hoping to be planning her wedding this year (then this year is when she brought up the second wife thing). She admitted that he has never discussed marriage with her and how it makes her sad because she doesn't know if he even wants that. It is obvious to me he does not and it is obvious that it is a bit delusional that SHE is planning to plan a wedding and be a second wife to a married man who has never talked marriage (even as a sweet, lying, future faking promise) to her. I didn't know the extent of her A, as we just became friends last year and I didn't even realize she was in an A when she talked all the time about her man, then the more she shared, I was like wow, a real life LS case here. I have hope though that as her clock ticks she will wake up to the truth...but I don't think she is in the space to get on here and she's not much of a forum person.

Edited June 25, 2012 by MissBee

[CarboniteCammy]

If my husband came to me and asked if another woman could enter our marriage, I'd probably ask him him for a divorce right there. Quite frankly, if I found out he was seeing someone behind my back, I'd also request a divorce.

 

It would not occur to me to stay in that situation; for one thing, who knows where the other woman has been. Does she have some kind of gross STD she's going to bring into my household? What if she sleeps around with other married men? Anything she does would be transmitted to me, and there's a reason I've chosen my partners *very* carefully.

 

 

Plus, how would you explain that to the kids? I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to have to do that. That's ok. I think I'll keep my household in tact if at all possible. Otherwise, my husband would be free to do as he chose. He just wouldn't bring me down with him in his life choices.

 

I do believe that everyone deserves happiness, but I don't think that should come at such great cost. When I've watched that show, it seems that those wives are always jealous and always sad because he's not with them. Perhaps it does make their hearts grow fonder, but I think it would also breed resentment. At least, it would for me.

[Silly_Girl]

the very fact that a wife/husband doesn't suspect cheating would suggest that they really do share a lot more intimacy than what many affair other men/women would care to believe

 

honestly, this could not be more opposite than my experience. It is often the distance that means a) opportunity, b) lack of guilt and c) motivation for the WS

[2sure]

I wouldn't do it, only because it requires too much teamwork and interaction. I agree with the poster that said it was a beautiful idea..meaning the closeness of sister like relationships , the kids, etc. For me it isn't so much sharing the man as long as I knew about everything...it's sharing my life with that many .

 

Also, there would have to be enough financially to go around. Many people don't get divorced because they cannot contribute to two households.

 

Some of them have affairs with single women, and it works because they don't have to pay extra mortgages or rent, etc.

[MissBee]

I wouldn't do it, only because it requires too much teamwork and interaction. I agree with the poster that said it was a beautiful idea..meaning the closeness of sister like relationships , the kids, etc. For me it isn't so much sharing the man as long as I knew about everything...it's sharing my life with that many .

 

Also, there would have to be enough financially to go around. Many people don't get divorced because they cannot contribute to two households.

 

Some of them have affairs with single women, and it works because they don't have to pay extra mortgages or rent, etc.

 

I share these sentiments as well.

 

In them discussing it, there is a lot more coordination to go around than in monogamous relationships, which lends to more stress in some areas.

 

I wonder though if a MM compartmentalizing in an A is less stressful than if it were an open agreement to share? I imagine it may be more stressful to openly share, as in the sister wives scenario, the husband goes out of his way to be fair and equal to all and everyone is privy to seeing what is going on so he has more women to "answer to" and they don't let him off the hook. In an A though, usually someone gets treated unfairly, or there isn't equity, but it is hard to check the equity as you can't see what's happening fully. In the sister wives' case, he has to make sure that, (almost like with kids) that no favoritism is being shown and so time, resources etc have to be accounted for and transparently distributed as much as possible. Transparency leads to more accountability and responsibility..secrecy for obvious reasons, does not, so one can be as lazy or inequitable as they want.

[2sure]

I think the guy in that show as well as his wives are stressed out a lot . They look it. I think they need the money from the show to pay for all the houses and I think that under all the sisterhood is quite a bit of passive aggressive.

 

Further, I think they might fight about who HAS to sleep with him.

[2sure]

The secret affair seems like a much better deal for the MM. As OW, who is sharing anyway...I would want my share of anything else he had too.

[Got it]

At that point in time, based on the elements of their relationship and ours, yes I would have been open to it. I was more than happy to be out in the open and was never looking to destroy the family unit. The one wrinkle is that both women had the ability to also date another if so desired.

[Toots]

I am curious to hear from those who don't want MM to leave in particular, and those whose MM isn't saying his wife is his roommate etc, but who for all intents and purposes still dos his husbandly duties, why would they have a problem with an open-sharing agreement? I stated my reasons why I would have had a problem with it, but I'm hoping for some other responses.

 

I did not want him to leave. I enjoyed the part-time relationship because I had my own stuff going on. I like having my own space and no way would I want some other woman or her brats in my face. I wanted my life the way it was and he was required only to come and do his bit and then leave again. So big no to the sister wife thing. I would not want another woman's kids around my neck nor any woman interfering with my kids. Nor him.

 

Whether it was open or not would not have made the slightest difference to me, but I'm sure it would have to her.

[Spark1111]

I did not want him to leave. I enjoyed the part-time relationship because I had my own stuff going on. I like having my own space and no way would I want some other woman or her brats in my face. I wanted my life the way it was and he was required only to come and do his bit and then leave again. So big no to the sister wife thing. I would not want another woman's kids around my neck nor any woman interfering with my kids. Nor him.

 

Whether it was open or not would not have made the slightest difference to me, but I'm sure it would have to her.

 

I'm sure it would have to HIM, otherwise he would have disclosed and/or separated if she wasn't willing to have an open relationship.

 

Or, is she was willing, than he couldn't bear her having other men.

[NoIDidn't]

My first thought was that it sounded like a novel idea. I could get my bed to myself sometimes and a free sitter for our kids when I needed it.

 

But I would want the same option. And while I greatly respect the choices of those in open marriages, I don't see the point of staying married if you are getting your actual needs met elsewhere.

 

I am genuinely confused by the OW, that is already sharing, not being willing to share out in the open. Just like when they find out the MM is in an open marriage and doesn't have to leave, they often report feeling cheated and leave the A. I don't get that.

 

I guess being in the affair makes you think you have all of him when you really only have a piece? This warrants more thought beyond an affair for me.

[Got it]

 

I guess being in the affair makes you think you have all of him when you really only have a piece? This warrants more thought beyond an affair for me.

 

And this is opinion not fact. What does having all of someone actually mean? That is such a subjective idea. How can anyone have all of someone else? Since one cannot consume someone else, since they cannot be inside their heads and truly know how they feel we all only have "pieces" of others. I really don't see the difference.

 

I just find that to be such a nonsensical statement that gets bantered about and makes no sense to me.

[NoIDidn't]

And this is opinion not fact. What does having all of someone actually mean? That is such a subjective idea. How can anyone have all of someone else? Since one cannot consume someone else, since they cannot be inside their heads and truly know how they feel we all only have "pieces" of others. I really don't see the difference.

 

I just find that to be such a nonsensical statement that gets bantered about and makes no sense to me.

 

Too bad you jumped immediately into a defensive state. I said it gave something to think about. Do we really have anyone? All of anyone? I doubt it.

 

Oh well, I'll let you get back to bashing my thoughts.

[angie2443]

At least in a situation such as the Sister Wives, they ALL know they are sharing and have freely made that choice - unlike the A situation where only the AP is willingly sharing.

 

I looked up a couple of clips and interviews from the show because this thread made me curious. I don't remember the names, but not everyone was on board about the last wife to joining. In one interview, Cody (I think that was the husbands name) said that his one wife (he called her out by name), repulsed him because of her body. She had a lot of kids with him, but I guess it didn't matter. It was admitted by one at least that she didn't like a couple of the wives. Also, when he added his fourth wife (or 5th?), she was much younger and one wife said something like "I'm glad he got a young wife for his ego, he deserves it". I don't get that at all. It's like this one man's needs and feelings are above his wives. I get that the wives know what's going on, but that doesn't mean that they wanted the other wives to join. They just excepted it at some point.

 

The situation (at least from what I could tell from the interviews) seems rather unequal. The women feel ashamed, embaressed, silly for feelings they have that most normal, healthy women would have in such a situation. At the same time, the husband is happy to collect whatever new wife he wants. The situation sounds painful, for the wives.

[NoIDidn't]

I looked up a couple of clips and interviews from the show because this thread made me curious. I don't remember the names, but not everyone was on board about the last wife to joining. In one interview, Cody (I think that was the husbands name) said that his one wife (he called her out by name), repulsed him because of her body. She had a lot of kids with him, but I guess it didn't matter. It was admitted by one at least that she didn't like a couple of the wives. Also, when he added his fourth wife (or 5th?), she was much younger and one wife said something like "I'm glad he got a young wife for his ego, he deserves it". I don't get that at all. It's like this one man's needs and feelings are above his wives. I get that the wives know what's going on, but that doesn't mean that they wanted the other wives to join. They just excepted it at some point.

 

The situation (at least from what I could tell from the interviews) seems rather unequal. The women feel ashamed, embaressed, silly for feelings they have that most normal, healthy women would have in such a situation. At the same time, the husband is happy to collect whatever new wife he wants. The situation sounds painful, for the wives.

 

I agree somewhat, Angie.

 

When they stay married after voicing their objections, they accept things in the open, IMO.

 

Not too different from a woman accepting that her husband, or boyfriend, has another. Grudging acceptance is still acceptance.

 

And likewise, for OW that disagree, grudgingly sharing someone is still sharing.

[Got it]

Too bad you jumped immediately into a defensive state. I said it gave something to think about. Do we really have anyone? All of anyone? I doubt it.

 

Oh well, I'll let you get back to bashing my thoughts.

 

NoIDidn't - I think you are being hypersensitive. I was not bashing your thoughts. I disagreed with it, and since you are not the only person I have seen write that, and so something I wanted to discuss. I did not tell you, you were wrong, that the idea was dumb/stupid/whatever, or that it in any way was a reflection of you.

 

I feel that comment gets bantered about like it is a fact. That it is a face that being in an affair means you get a "piece" of someone and that being in a marriage means you get the "whole" of someone. And I stated that it is a subjective comment that is very difficult to quantify and taking a few steps back do we every get the whole of anyone anyway? Since I don't feel we do the relationship status is inconsequential.

[NoIDidn't]

NoIDidn't - I think you are being hypersensitive. I was not bashing your thoughts. I disagreed with it, and since you are not the only person I have seen write that, and so something I wanted to discuss. I did not tell you, you were wrong, that the idea was dumb/stupid/whatever, or that it in any way was a reflection of you.

 

I feel that comment gets bantered about like it is a fact. That it is a face that being in an affair means you get a "piece" of someone and that being in a marriage means you get the "whole" of someone. And I stated that it is a subjective comment that is very difficult to quantify and taking a few steps back do we every get the whole of anyone anyway? Since I don't feel we do the relationship status is inconsequential.

 

And I think you were being hypersensitive in challenging an opinion as if it was stated as fact.

 

And you did say the idea was stupid. You said it was a "nonsensical statement".

 

You jumped on one statement and obviously did not read the next statement in your desire to respond to the first. My very next statement was "This warrants more thought BEYOND AN AFFAIR for me". So to a person that took the time to read what was said, they would see that I was thinking about it more generally after that.

 

Maybe you should have stepped back before your first response, no?

[angie2443]

Grudging acceptance is still acceptance.

 

.

 

I get what you're saying. It still feels unequal to me and it seems like the women (in the show) feel wrong for having any kind of selfish feelings while they never question the husband for his. I can't help but get the feeling that these women were either raised to feel less than a man or feel trapped because some have so many kids. I can't understand how someone can here their husband publicly call them repulsive and still look at him the next day. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. There not bieng lied to. I just wonder what's going through their heads when they put up with so much that most of us at least think we wouldn't put up with.

[Toots]

I'm sure it would have to HIM, otherwise he would have disclosed and/or separated if she wasn't willing to have an open relationship.

 

Yes it mattered to him because his father would have disowned him again if he divorced her.

 

Or, is she was willing, than he couldn't bear her having other men.

 

I don't think he cared about that. He did care about her divorcing him though because he did not want to lose his father again.

[Toots]

 

I am genuinely confused by the OW, that is already sharing, not being willing to share out in the open. Just like when they find out the MM is in an open marriage and doesn't have to leave, they often report feeling cheated and leave the A. I don't get that.

 

I guess being in the affair makes you think you have all of him when you really only have a piece? This warrants more thought beyond an affair for me.

 

I think it is more to do with hope. If you secretly maybe even to yourself dream of a future with him then having a sharing deal all out in the open is an admission to yourself and everyone that that is all there is ever going to be. And also it puts the OW on the same level as the BW, as a woman who on her own is not enough to satisfy her man. Whereas as the OW she can feel and maybe it's true that she is enough for him, but he's just stuck with the BW for other reasons like kids. But if she was a second wife it would be clear that that was not the case.

[Got it]

And I think you were being hypersensitive in challenging an opinion as if it was stated as fact.

 

And you did say the idea was stupid. You said it was a "nonsensical statement".

 

You jumped on one statement and obviously did not read the next statement in your desire to respond to the first. My very next statement was "This warrants more thought BEYOND AN AFFAIR for me". So to a person that took the time to read what was said, they would see that I was thinking about it more generally after that.

 

Maybe you should have stepped back before your first response, no?

 

You are assessing far more emotion on my side than there is. You are quite worked up over a difference of opinion.

[beenburned]

Toots,

 

I find this a common misconception "a woman on her own is not enough to satisfy her man".

 

There are plenty of married men who are not capable of being faithful to any one person simply because they have issues!

 

It has nothing to do with the woman's abilities at all!

[2sure]

Its a myth that happily married people don't cheat.

 

Many cheaters just want MORE attention, drama, validation, etc. They have enough, they just want more. Thats why they stay married.

[MissBee]

 

Kinda like how the thoughts of others are called "BS myths"?

 

I think it is a pretty common 'leap' that someone in an affair is NOT getting the "whole" of someone since... they are MARRIED and living with someone else. I mean, it isn't as if a mistress/ow can just show up anytime at the marital home or have the MM come running when she calls or they sit down with the family (his kids) and discuss vacation plans, etc.

 

Many in an affair only get "set" time - Monday through Friday 9 am to 5 pm. Weekends are family time - as in the MM, his wife and their family. I would even go so far to state that being married to someone gives you more of a 'piece' of them than just being in an affair with someone. Not sure why that is confusing or far fetched for some.

 

 

Yes it is safe to say that myths cannot only be one-sided. If there are BS myths, then there are OW myths too.

 

NoIDidn't and Got It raised interesting points about getting a whole person and is that possible etc. I think that's a good topic for another thread and a good philosophical query.

 

Since it was raised, in the context of As and Sister Wives, I'll say that that question can be answered in a myriad of ways. To the bolded though:Time and again OW get on LS to say they love the "part time" nature of the A and that they get the "best parts" of the MM and they have a "full life" and don't want him all the time. It stands to reason then, even just looking at the language of parts and such, that people, in real life, and how they live the A DO in fact acknowledge it not being a whole...whether it is that they see it as a good thing, as in the cases I've described, or a bad thing, as in some other cases where OW want more. Even in single relationships, if you have a boyfriend who none of his friends or family know you, never heard of you, he lives a whole other life and makes serious life plans without you....everyone would think that you weren't getting all of him. I think a relationship in isolation, where you don't see that person around other important people in their lives and where you get to be a part of it, is indeed not whole.

 

Whether you can share someone's every thought and know every atom is to me pointless...as of course you can't, yet in real, everyday terms, one knows that there is a difference between how you psychologically, as well as often logistically, conceive of a relationship that is secret or your partner has aspects of their life you aren't privy to and people in their life who don't know about you....and when you don't. In single relationships you can also suffer from not having a whole person or a person too divided for you to feel like you share it all. The sister wives share a man, and his relationship with each is different, no one person can monopolize his time and resources though so in that sense one person doesn't get "the whole". But if whole is conceived of as even though sharing you get equal time, all equally are considered wives (none are OW, which is also a distinction in an A which shows that there is something primary and then something outside of it), all know pertinent info, all are in the open and all know about each other and no one has to hide or gets skimped on time and resources....then they do get a whole relationship. How true is this though for them? I don't know.

Edited June 30, 2012 by MissBee