Sister Wives

[Toots]

Time and again OW get on LS to say they love the "part time" nature of the A and that they get the "best parts" of the MM and they have a "full life" and don't want him all the time. It stands to reason then, even just looking at the language of parts and such, that people, in real life, and how they live the A DO in fact acknowledge it not being a whole...whether it is that they see it as a good thing, as in the cases I've described, or a bad thing, as in some other cases where OW want more. Even in single relationships, if you have a boyfriend who none of his friends or family know you, never heard of you, he lives a whole other life and makes serious life plans without you....everyone would think that you weren't getting all of him. I think a relationship in isolation, where you don't see that person around other important people in their lives and where you get to be a part of it, is indeed not whole.

 

Whether you can share someone's every thought and know every atom is to me pointless...as of course you can't, yet in real, everyday terms, one knows that there is a difference between how you psychologically, as well as often logistically, conceive of a relationship that is secret or your partner has aspects of their life you aren't privy to and people in their life who don't know about you....and when you don't. In single relationships you can also suffer from not having a whole person or a person too divided for you to feel like you share it all. The sister wives share a man, and his relationship with each is different, no one person can monopolize his time and resources though so in that sense one person doesn't get "the whole". But if whole is conceived of as even though sharing you get equal time, all equally are considered wives (none are OW, which is also a distinction in an A which shows that there is something primary and then something outside of it), all know pertinent info, all are in the open and all know about each other and no one has to hide or gets skimped on time and resources....then they do get a whole relationship. How true is this though for them? I don't know.

 

This post acknowledges that some non-affair Rs are part-time or partial, getting only some of the other person. That is true. But just as there is variation in non-affair Rs, so there is also variation in As. Some OWs or OMs see their MM or MW only at "set times" and are largely excluded from large parts of their lives, and others are very much part of the lives of the MP, being the person the MP turns to first, the one who hangs out with them, the one who shares the secrets of their soul, etc. not all As are the same. I'm sure some OWs get far more of the MM than the BW, and I'm convinced some OWs get more of the MM than a "sister wife" would!

[MissBee]

This post acknowledges that some non-affair Rs are part-time or partial, getting only some of the other person. That is true. But just as there is variation in non-affair Rs, so there is also variation in As. Some OWs or OMs see their MM or MW only at "set times" and are largely excluded from large parts of their lives, and others are very much part of the lives of the MP, being the person the MP turns to first, the one who hangs out with them, the one who shares the secrets of their soul, etc. not all As are the same. I'm sure some OWs get far more of the MM than the BW, and I'm convinced some OWs get more of the MM than a "sister wife" would!

 

Certainly there are variations in As but many if not most As include the separation of lives. Sharing secrets of your soul and turning to someone first is not the same as sharing a life. I was reading an article discussing how the hook-up/hang-out culture of today, where instead of couples going out in public, meeting each other's friends and family and interacting in everyday circumstances and seeing their partner interact with other people they care about etc, has caused a decline in relationships progressing to something stable and committed. People get to feel close and intimate...if they are hanging out alone all the time, sharing secrets, sharing pillow talk, being in their own world together but this is not the same as sharing a life. So what you've cited, lots of As include that, mine did. We shared a lot, but I didn't share his life...and I think many As are that way.

 

Whether or not every single A is that way makes no difference IMO. I just see that many many are exactly that way for purely logical reasons. Single relationships that are like that are no better either. I've always said that I think As are just one form of dubious relationships.

 

As I said in my post...it depends what "more of" and what "the whole" means to someone and what they want out of the relationship. I hear of As where supposedly it is no secret or the only person unaware is the BS...I find such As to be very rare both on LS and in real life. I think so long as an A is traditional...i.e. a secret, where you are not known as this person's partner by their family, kids, etc and are included in those aspects of their life (especially if you want that), then no matter how many secrets you share and how much they call you to vent or cry...you are experiencing a limited part of this person. Just like long distance relationships...most people dislike them or can only do it for a while, because most want more than phone talks, video messaging, weekend getaways etc. If you want more than that then after a while no matter how much you share, the fact that you don't get to do regular things takes a toll.

 

It seems based on your post, that getting the person or more of them is largely tied to using them for psychological and emotional reasons, like sharing secrets, leaning on them etc. Many OW say they have the MM's "heart" for this reason. That's fine. Other people view "more of" and whole to include more things besides that. For me, I do see a difference between sharing a life and sharing secrets. For the Sister Wives, I'm sure he has different emotional relationships to each woman...but they all share his life. The lack of secrecy contributes significantly to more attempts for equity and for people to at least be able to verify what they are getting/not getting. In terms of OW deciding to share the MM with the BS openly...my original question was why or why not and if that openness would help/hinder the relationship.

Edited June 30, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

 

And this is exactly why, in MY opinion, many OW are just F buddies. They have no clue what goes on in the marital home, even as they swear they do (from thousands and thousands of miles away or even 2 streets over). It is sad that some view sex as love; but I guess when that is 'all' they are getting, because they aren't getting the intimacies or the other things...since MM only has limited time to text or sneak over.

 

 

Kinda like how the thoughts of others are called "BS myths"?

 

I think it is a pretty common 'leap' that someone in an affair is NOT getting the "whole" of someone since... they are MARRIED and living with someone else. I mean, it isn't as if a mistress/ow can just show up anytime at the marital home or have the MM come running when she calls or they sit down with the family (his kids) and discuss vacation plans, etc.

 

Many in an affair only get "set" time - Monday through Friday 9 am to 5 pm. Weekends are family time - as in the MM, his wife and their family. I would even go so far to state that being married to someone gives you more of a 'piece' of them than just being in an affair with someone. Not sure why that is confusing or far fetched for some.

 

I think you are making a number of assumptions. While sex is an important part of most affairs, as it is of most romantic relationships, they consist of more than just sex. There are shared intimacies outside of that.

 

Also, many OP have in fact been married so it is not this amazing uncharted territory in which they do not know. I can say when sex became almost nonexistent in my marriage, for me, that classified us as roommates. Also not ever marriage includes children so the sharing of such is a non factor. I guess I never saw some of those other pieces as shared intimacy as I have been part of paying bills with other family members, roommates, etc and never gave it any additional meaning.

 

And not all affairs are between 9 to 5. I can speak from my experience that included much more than that.

 

Again, who we are, how much we are fully ourselves in a relationship will tell you how much you know of the person. That does not mean that marriage or the affair will see more or less of the true person. It depends on how much the person chooses to show if anything at all. I can say that I knew my ex husband from high school on. We spend almost every day together for 13 years. I can tell you there were pieces of me he was not privy to and vice versa.

 

Did I know parts of him? Sure. Do I feel I knew everything about him? No. He is a complex individual and while we had a happy medium that did not mean that we included the outlying areas that may have caused conflict or stress. We had a routine and we stuck to it.

[Summer Breeze]

A guy I work with has had some major medical issues the last 18 months. Many of the top hospitals have thrown their hands up after all the tests and cannot figure out what is wrong with him. I know for a fact that he and his wife are not having sex. So I guess in the opinion of some of the OW, they must not have a real relationship, they are just "roommates" We read on here all the time the cry that "it isn't all about sex", yet in the end...that is what it seems to be about. Holy hell, a married couple not having sex equals no relationship and therefore, an affair was just bound to happen!

It's been discussed in here ad nauseum about sex v intimacy. Having sex isn't the be all and end all and we all know it. Some sort of physical intimacy is needed though. Whatever keeps the proximity of the couple close and the intimacy alive. When a perfectly healthy couple is not having sex it has to be a knock to intimacy and as someone said can allow opportunity and motivation. If there is an illness then there has to be something that replaces sex in order to keep the intimacy intact.

 

And this is exactly why, in MY opinion, many OW are just F buddies. They have no clue what goes on in the marital home, even as they swear they do (from thousands and thousands of miles away or even 2 streets over). It is sad that some view sex as love; but I guess when that is 'all' they are getting, because they aren't getting the intimacies or the other things...since MM only has limited time to text or sneak over.

I'll remind you that BS don't have a crystal ball to what's gone on with the OW/OM either. You have no more idea if it's all about sex than an OM/OW knows if the infidelity is all about lack of sex. Your assumptions are just that --- assumptions. You'd be surprised how intimate phone calls, emails and texts actually are. My friends H cheated on her and one of the things she said to me was that he never kept her close during the day like he did his OW. She was horribly jealous of the correspondence they had.

 

 

AGREE with you WWIU. I am when OW talk about finding out about yet another OW and how dare the MM do that. They believe and believe that the MM isn't having sex with the wife OR they are okay with that, you know because he doesn't love her, etc.

 

 

 

Kinda like how the thoughts of others are called "BS myths"?

 

I think it is a pretty common 'leap' that someone in an affair is NOT getting the "whole" of someone since... they are MARRIED and living with someone else. I mean, it isn't as if a mistress/ow can just show up anytime at the marital home or have the MM come running when she calls or they sit down with the family (his kids) and discuss vacation plans, etc.

You're again assuming the OW wants what you're saying. Some OW have no desire to pop over to the MMs house no more than they want him popping over to theirs. As far as discussions about holidays and such, don't you think they're discussing times for themselves? My daughter knew him and we went away together a few times a year. You're right. Some As aren't like that but some Ms aren't the utopia everyone goes on about either. Not every person in an A is deliriously happy at home and as we see BS staying for kids, reputations, and finances it's the same with some MM. My Mm did come running in one of the worst points in my life and to this day I have no idea what he told his W.

 

Many in an affair only get "set" time - Monday through Friday 9 am to 5 pm. Weekends are family time - as in the MM, his wife and their family. I would even go so far to state that being married to someone gives you more of a 'piece' of them than just being in an affair with someone. Not sure why that is confusing or far fetched for some.

Of all the As I've been privvy to in my life not 1 was conducted in work hours. Most I read of in here aren't either.

 

When someone is in an A the OW/OM has as much of them as the BS. That amount --- not all of them. It really doesn't matter if it's divided 75/25 or 99/1. The WS has made it so everyone is cheated and poured salt over the BS portion with the lies and deception.

[Summer Breeze]

I had my freedom during the A. I would not go into a marriage with other women. Other men.................hmmmmmmm:p

[cocorico]

I would not have considered "sister wives". I don't share.

[cocorico]

I had my freedom during the A. I would not go into a marriage with other women. Other men.................hmmmmmmm:p

 

Yes, the option of a harem of hot husbands is much more appealing!