Unemployment and marriage

[setsenia]

I have a question for all of you. With the bad economy, how long will you give your partner who's recently been laid off to find another job? How long before you call it quits? I'm really struggling and having difficulties in my marriage with my husband who hasn't held a steady job within several years. I know we're both going to school and options are limited without a degree and/or experience, but it feels as if this unemployment is a perpetual issue that is not getting better. I'm tired of "we don't have much money" being an excuse to not be able to go out and any do anything fun. My response is usually, "When will we ever have any money, it's been several years like this".

Edited June 25, 2012 by setsenia

[Philosoraptor]

If money is more important than your marriage you should probably call it quits now and free the both of you.

 

You've not said he hasn't been trying to find work so I'll assume he's just been unlucky.

 

The economy is tough out there and most people have had to really cut back.

[setsenia]

Yeah that's true. It's not that "money is more important than the marriage" but it's getting difficult constantly being the only one bringing in the income and we're constantly behind on bills, worried about not being able to keep up with our rent and have plenty of debts. He is applying for work and I know it's a tough economy, but I feel there is always more he can do to bring in some sort of income, even if it's taking a low paying job in the meantime.

[january2011]

Judging by your other threads, you've got a lot on your plate. And no doubt, the stress is getting to you. I suspect the stress is also getting to him.

 

You mention a low-paying job - has he been applying for those?

 

Have you considered marriage counselling?

[setsenia]

Good points, January. I don't think he has been applying to the lower paying jobs, although the jobs he's applying for to gain experience, already pay on the lower side. I have thought about marriage counseling and then there's the issue with lack of insurance to cover the costs unless there are some low cost providers available.

[TigerCub]

"For better or for worse", no?

 

OP, I'm sure that your situation is frustrating, and it does suck to worry about where the rent is going to come from and making ends meet - that is a lot of pressure.

 

But isn't the whole idea or marriage about standing together through the good times and especially supporting each other through the bad?

 

It sounds like your H is trying to find work. I would be giving you different advice if he had just shut down, sits at home, does nothing and expects you to carry the whole load. But he's trying, just not finding much right now. I'm sure he feels crappy knowing that he's not really helping with the income.

 

I agree with you that if times are that tough, then any job should do right now and this is not really the time for him to get picky.

I think for that, you really should be honest with him and tell him to find any job right now because this strain is getting to be too much.

 

He needs to know that things are so bad that you are actually questioning the idea of how long a spouse should put up with this - I know its harsh for him to hear, but he needs to know the whole truth about what this is doing to you and the relationship.

 

I honestly do think that marriage is about toughing things out and not just about the good times. I do appreciate the amount of pressure you are under, but he is trying...

[setsenia]

Good point TigerClub, I've just been feeling like this has gone on for the most part of 5 years with a few jobs here and there that haven't worked out and this has been having me feel pessimistic about the future and what if this goes on forever. I'm really hoping I'm wrong.

[january2011]

Good points, January. I don't think he has been applying to the lower paying jobs, although the jobs he's applying for to gain experience, already pay on the lower side. I have thought about marriage counseling and then there's the issue with lack of insurance to cover the costs unless there are some low cost providers available.

 

I agree with TigerCub that you need to impress upon him how bad it really is - perhaps not necessarily that your marriage is on the line but that the finances are so bad that you will lose X, Y, Z and most likely have to find somewhere else to live.

 

Also agree that he needs to forget about experience and just go for any job. He's not going to have a career to speak of if you can't even put food on the table and have a roof over your head.

 

Sit down with him, calculator in hand. Lay out the budget and bills. Tell him that you need him to find a job before the end of the month, any job, just to get some more money coming through the door. He can keep looking for a better job in the meantime, but right now, you both can't survive with him just studying and not working at all.

[TigerCub]

Good point TigerClub, I've just been feeling like this has gone on for the most part of 5 years with a few jobs here and there that haven't worked out and this has been having me feel pessimistic about the future and what if this goes on forever. I'm really hoping I'm wrong.

 

Wow, 5 years is a really long time. I had no idea that it had been that long.

You are a very strong person to be carrying this pressure with you for so long.

 

You mentioned that you are both going to school and that you don't have degrees yet - if that's the case, what kinds of jobs is he applying for?

 

Also, what degree is he getting? When will he graduate?

 

You also mentioned that some of the jobs he had didn't work out - why was that? was it him or just the economy/circumstance, etc.

 

How is he holding up?

Other than the financial issues (which are very serious), how is the rest of your relationship?

[TigerCub]

I agree with TigerCub that you need to impress upon him how bad it really is - perhaps not necessarily that your marriage is on the line but that the finances are so bad that you will lose X, Y, Z and most likely have to find somewhere else to live.

 

Also agree that he needs to forget about experience and just go for any job. He's not going to have a career to speak of if you can't even put food on the table and have a roof over your head.

 

Sit down with him, calculator in hand. Lay out the budget and bills. Tell him that you need him to find a job before the end of the month, any job, just to get some more money coming through the door. He can keep looking for a better job in the meantime, but right now, you both can't survive with him just studying and not working at all.

 

No better way to make your point setsinia.

[denise_xo]

My H was out of work for some time, so I was working three jobs to keep the finances together. What is important for me in those kind of situations, is that the person without the job is doing what s/he can to find a job, even if it is temporary and not in the 'ideal' sector. If your H is putting in that effort, he is doing everything he can. If you don't think he is, then perhaps you can find a way of supporting him towards that. It is very difficult to be long term unemployed, so he might need some extra support to keep himself motivated to keep applying and to explore every opportunity.

 

And I second (or third) this

 

Sit down with him, calculator in hand. Lay out the budget and bills. Tell him that you need him to find a job before the end of the month, any job, just to get some more money coming through the door. He can keep looking for a better job in the meantime, but right now, you both can't survive with him just studying and not working at all.

[setsenia]

We both graduate with our bachelors degrees next year. The last job was earlier in the year and the layoff was due to business slowing down. (He'd only been there 3 months, so IMO stupid of the supervisor to hire someone permanently when they know there is a possibility of layoff during certain slow times of the year). The job before that the company had implemented certain regulations where they had auditors come in daily and if you forgot to check a customer's cart 3 times, they let you go. It also doesn't seem to bother him as much as he's always wondering why I don't feel like being intimate when I've told him repeatedly that I'm depressed and stressed out because of this ongoing seemingly never ending situation.

[TigerCub]

We both graduate with our bachelors degrees next year. The last job was earlier in the year and the layoff was due to business slowing down. (He'd only been there 3 months, so IMO stupid of the supervisor to hire someone permanently when they know there is a possibility of layoff during certain slow times of the year). The job before that the company had implemented certain regulations where they had auditors come in daily and if you forgot to check a customer's cart 3 times, they let you go. It also doesn't seem to bother him as much as he's always wondering why I don't feel like being intimate when I've told him repeatedly that I'm depressed and stressed out because of this ongoing seemingly never ending situation.

 

Thanks for answering some of my questions Setsenia.

 

Is he at least getting a degree in a desirable kind of field where there is some demand?

 

I think people handle stress differently.

You are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and therefore, obviously would not be in the mood to get intimate.

 

He feels some of that pressure too, but views getting intimate as some kind of validation from you that you still want him (despite his current shortcomings).

 

I can't be sure, of course, I don't know him .... but that would be my guess. He knows the situation, just handles it differently.

 

Like everyone already expressed to you - show him the #s and show him exactly what you need for him to start bringing in - he needs to take any job at this moment, and if that means swallowing his pride and just doing it, that's what he needs to do.