FightClub Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Something that has been on my mind the last few days as I've been reading about D-Day's and BS's talking to OM/OW. For those who haven't contacted the OW/OM and those who haven't been contacted by BS or vice versa, were you ever curious to hear the other side of the story? I recall a small part of myself wanting to communicate with exMW's spouse afterwards, perhaps to hear the other side of the story, in retrospect I would have communicated honestly about my role and what was being told to me during the whole year-long EA. At the time, almost 2 years ago, I was told a lot of things about him but quite frankly never spoke or heard from the BH aside from an e-mail that was sent 6 months prior to the full EA and one-time PA. The e-mail was very brief but had no real point, more of a curiosity as to how I knew the wife. Sometimes I have to admit, I was curious but ended all contact with any part of exMW via NC for good. -FC Edited June 25, 2012 by FightClub Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I had some mild curiosity about the other side of the story. As the reality is, she had a relationship with him, I have no idea what went on with them, as she didn't with me and him, so converging to hear what it was like for us would have been interesting and enlightening to say the least. As they say: there is his side, her side and the truth. I don't think there was a dday though... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 As the BS I never had any desire to contact the OW. Why would I? She wasn't the one being unfaithful to me, she wasn't the one in a relationship with me. I don't think every BS calls the OP to chastise them or because they feels the OP owes them something... In assigning of blame, it is all on the WS I agree...but I don't think that's what's being talked about here. It's the curiosity of hearing the other side, after all it's a triangulated relationship that often includes, omissions, ignorance of the side not yours and sometimes lies...so hearing ALL sides, is often of interest. As again, there is his side, her side, and the truth. I think in an A....if all three sat down together, the OW/OM would be very surprised in many cases about what they hear, likewise the BS. But unfortunately that rarely happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 I wasn't curious to hear from her. Everything that happened, emails I saw, texts, feedback from others, everything backed up what I'd been told. I knew in some ways things might not have been as bad as they seemed, for them, and in others they were worse. I knew enough to feel sad for both of them that they'd made the choices they had. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 former BS here - I was curious and called her. She hung up on me. I never called back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FightClub Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 Silktricks, I know more about myself and the situation from my own then I did over the last six months and if I received an e-mail or a phone call or a smoke signal from the husband, I'd be more than happy to respond with open honesty and give my side of story, hopefully in essence helping him find clarity ( If that is the case at all. ) -FC Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 For those who haven't contacted the OW/OM ... were you ever curious to hear the other side of the story? No. I didn't care. My wife had a commitment to me, not them. Their side of the story was irrelevant to me. The only one of her OM's I talked to was my friend, because *he* had a commitment to me ... and I didn't talk about him and her, I talked to him about his betrayal of our friendship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
onthefence210 Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 Silktricks, I know more about myself and the situation from my own then I did over the last six months and if I received an e-mail or a phone call or a smoke signal from the husband, I'd be more than happy to respond with open honesty and give my side of story, hopefully in essence helping him find clarity ( If that is the case at all. ) -FC My xmm wife did call me, she was drunk as he had said she was pretty much on a daily basis. We talked for over an hr. well she did most of the talking, I just sat listening shaking my head. She went on to tell me that I was in her husbands life because they were going thru a rough patch (she confessed to me to having an affair yrs prior while he was deployed and in the midst of one when he and I started talking). Yet he had a suspicion and just didnt care. But I guess my 2 1/2 yr A with her H, helped get their marriage back on track. Again smh, as it continued for some time after she called. I honestly had no respect for her and after talking to her, she just confirmed everything he had said about her when we'd discuss why he was spending his time and energy on me and not his W. but she did tell me everything that she wanted me to think as she wanted me out of his life. I think she should have spent the 90 minutes doing a little self reflection instead of trying to convince me that I had made their marriage better by keeping her H happy while she was out getting her fill elsewhere. Glad I talked to her tho, I was her BFF by the end of that convo. . Not so much since she realized that her H kept in contact with me until finally i was done dealing with her. She didnt want the truth...she excused her two affairs by him having one and so in her eyes they were even. She was a piece of work. He stays for his reasons which I respect although I may not agree. So I thought he should deal with her, instead of her constantly texting me. I never responded to her texts...she didn't want the truth. She just wanted to know that she won. Well I think I was the big winner in all of this...I got to see who I had become and made the conscious decision to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I got a couple emails but there was no real interest in communicating with me. I guess my case is a little difference since they are no divorced and we are together but we have never communicated. We have no reason to communicate. I doubt she would believe a word I said nor any answers I were to give. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 <--- Betrayed spouse here. The Animal in me wanted to shred the other guy up. I wanted to mentally tear him down and then physically devoure him. My instinct was to crush him. But the Man in me knows he's just some dumb kid trying to get his rocks off... I mean my EX is gorgeous. He's hardly the last guy trying to get into her pants. The real problem is 100% with her and always has been. I have nothing to gain from talking to the other guy... In fact, I have nothing to gain from talking to her either. She can have a peach of a life... WITHOUT me in it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FightClub Posted June 26, 2012 Author Share Posted June 26, 2012 I had some mild curiosity about the other side of the story. As the reality is, she had a relationship with him, I have no idea what went on with them, as she didn't with me and him, so converging to hear what it was like for us would have been interesting and enlightening to say the least. As they say: there is his side, her side and the truth. I don't think there was a dday though... MissBee, Interesting, you know I wonder if the lack of D-Day is what keeps the BS from seeking out information from the OM/OW? or if a D-Day motivates the BS to look towards the OM/OW for answers that the WS omits. I don't know if there was a D-Day for exMW, I suspect much later there was a shake-up of some kind but no real confirmation, just an intuition. -FC Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 BS got a letter telling her about me and MM being together for years but never contacted me. According to MM, he came immediately to see me after, she asked him if it was true, he denied it and she promptly went to work and it was never mentioned again. She now does not appear to care what he does. He sees me twice a day, calls me day and night. There is no period of being careful. I would have liked for her to have thought enough about him to confront me or him so I could at least have got it over with and it was out in the open. I would not have lied. I would be interested to know what this tells him and me for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 the only contact I initiated with my husband's ex other woman ( other than after I felt I'd had enough and wrote to tell her that i had told him that if he wanted to be with her, then he should) was immediately after they broke up. I sent her an email to ask her to leave us alone. I told her I didn't hate her, and hoped that she could move on and have a happy life with someone single, as she, like all of us , deserved happiness. the only other contact on my part was from my legal assistance, telling her to leave me and my children alone. I didn't feel a need to talk with her or ask her anything, and I doubt she would have told the truth anyway. ( she's got some issues)...but that is just me. I can understand why other betrayed spouses feel differently, and I do believe there are many other men/women out there who would give honest answers if asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Breathless Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 My BH was suspicious of the xMM before DDay - he already had the xMM home phone #, cell phone #, and home address (more info on the xMM than I ever had). On DDay - my BH called xMM home and his BW answered the phone and said "Breathless' husband is on the phone for you..." All I know is that my BH and xMM did have a "conversation" and I have no idea what was said...but I can only imagine...my BH was in a rage (rightfully so). It will be my 1 year DDay anniversary in 6 days...And as of today, I have never asked my BH what was said when he spoke with xMM. My BH held me accountable for the details and I didn't lie, trickle truth, or rug sweep. He asked and I answered but the day he decided to reconcile - he never asked again. I never heard from xMM BW...If I did I would answer any questions she may have. I will take whatever ridicule, anger, and hate that she throws at me - I deserve all of it and more. If she called me today, tomorrow or 20 years from now, I will always feel like I deserve whatever vengeance that my BH and his BW may have for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I was curious and tried to call her, with three out of the four calls telling her my schedule and the best times she could reach me. She never returned a single phone call of mine, however she did call my H at work and told him angrily I had called her. As they work for the same company, a very real possibility exists we could bump into each other at a company event and I thought both she and I would not like any surprises in the event it did happen. I was extending an olive branch, but let it go. More than two years later, she broke NC to visit him at his new office and push every emotional trigger he had to see if he'd be interested in reinitiating the affair. He told me immediately and I asked him if it would okay to call her directly at work. With his full support, I called and she tried to dodge me twice until I made it very clear to her assistant I would continue to call until she picked up. It was the most bizarre three-minute conversation of my entire life. I learned she was angry, unstable and an over the top, drama queen. More amazingly? She had not ONE single question for me....not one. So for those who say they would return a call, hats off to you. I do not believe that is the norm at all. Duck, cover and run seems to be. Link to post Share on other sites
avon20 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 No it doesn't surprise me. The BS is trying to heal and get on with their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 My xMW H was told who I was etc, but he never contacted me..Well I find he had enough class not to contact me. I am not surprised, he was (is) a decent person. Question is : Why do you care FC ? If you are over why are you still retro-analyzing things about xMW ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FightClub Posted June 29, 2012 Author Share Posted June 29, 2012 Hey East, Interesting answer and I'm not retro-analyzing, it's more of a question of curiosity after seeing a number of posts where either side had contact with the betrayed spouse. It's not something I experienced in my own post-affair life, so I find it interesting to see the kind of reactions that others have had in regards to the communication with the BS, the answers and responses from everyone else has been varied and that makes it a relevant question for anyone who hasn't been there first hand. -FC Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 As the BS I never had any desire to contact the OW. Why would I? She wasn't the one being unfaithful to me, she wasn't the one in a relationship with me. Nor did I care to talk to my x-wife's OM. All I cared about was making sure that soon after Dday she became his problem, rather than mine, and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 former BS here - I was curious and called her. She hung up on me. chickensh**! Link to post Share on other sites
iambookworm Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 As the BS I never had any desire to contact the OW. Why would I? She wasn't the one being unfaithful to me, she wasn't the one in a relationship with me. OW here. I called her up and apologized. I didn't know he was married. I don't think she believed me though. And as I did not leave a contact nor did I give my full name, I don't think she would be able to contact me. If she ever does find me, I will give her all the evidence she would need if she wants to divorce him. (Though I think this is the meanie in me, because I don't want him to escape unscathed from this and continue to do this to other women.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author FightClub Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 You know what's interesting for me is, a big part of me really was curious back then. The answers wouldn't have mattered as much as knowing that I at least got to acknowledge to the BS, I went against my morals and engaged with your WS. Not for sympathy or absolution but to express the fact that I recognize I made an error and judgement, even though I knew the road I was heading on at the time was equally shared with the WS, who at the time literally was going to leave BS and start a new life, or so she said, back then. -FC Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 There is no point in trying to talk to OM or OW unless they become stalkers after d-day. OM and OP are generally unimportant as to why a spouse is a cheater. The cheating has to do with a flaw in character of the married spouse and the OW/OM are simply an accessory. Whomever happens to be the OW or OM has to do with being at the right place and the right time. Sometimes that isn't true. Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 There is no point in trying to talk to OM or OW unless they become stalkers after d-day. OM and OP are generally unimportant as to why a spouse is a cheater. The cheating has to do with a flaw in character of the married spouse and the OW/OM are simply an accessory. Whomever happens to be the OW or OM has to do with being at the right place and the right time. Total poppycock Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Something that has been on my mind the last few days as I've been reading about D-Day's and BS's talking to OM/OW. For those who haven't contacted the OW/OM and those who haven't been contacted by BS or vice versa, were you ever curious to hear the other side of the story? I recall a small part of myself wanting to communicate with exMW's spouse afterwards, perhaps to hear the other side of the story, in retrospect I would have communicated honestly about my role and what was being told to me during the whole year-long EA. At the time, almost 2 years ago, I was told a lot of things about him but quite frankly never spoke or heard from the BH aside from an e-mail that was sent 6 months prior to the full EA and one-time PA. The e-mail was very brief but had no real point, more of a curiosity as to how I knew the wife. Sometimes I have to admit, I was curious but ended all contact with any part of exMW via NC for good. -FC I have also wondered why I never heard fro The bs. She knows all about me and knows how to reach me and I think she hasn't contacted me because she really doesn't want to know that 8 months after dday we're still together. She has her head in the sand in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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