The tale of a semi-long term affair.

[frozensprouts]

I have thought about those things. My kids are very happy. Do I wish I could provide a better example of a loving marriage? You bet your butt. I hope to be able to remedy that in the future.

 

the problem is that by then, the damage will have been done, and you can't take that back...

 

this is part of why I really hope you decide to get this all sorted out sooner than later. Talk to your wife about what is going on and that you want to set a better example for your children. See if the two of you, working together, can come up with some sort of solution that works for everyone, especially your kids...presenting a "united front" will help show them that the opposite sex can be trusted, that even if a marriage doesn't work out you can still treat each other with respect and kindness...

 

in the long run, you'll be doing your kids a huge favor

[norajane]

I have thought about those things. My kids are very happy. Do I wish I could provide a better example of a loving marriage? You bet your butt. I hope to be able to remedy that in the future.

How? And why wait for the "future" when the damage is being done now, every day?

[NoIDidn't]

OP read up on Parental Alienation.

 

Saying that your 11-year-old daughter doesn't like her mom is not okay. And it really sounds like you are saying that her knowing about your affair is okay because she doesn't like her own mother anyway.

 

That's beyond disturbing.

 

Her mother may not be the most nurturing person (its a myth that all women have that drive anyway), but she is her mom. And being a driven career woman is a positive for her daughter to see.

 

Sounds like there was once a time that she had a great adaptive family where mom works hard outside the home and dad did it in the home. Now she sees what mom is doing as bad and while dad is doing bad, its good?

 

My concern is clearly for the child. Adults don't get to mess them up and then complain about what they get in the end. There is a world of difference between being a workaholic and exposing your child to an affair.

 

I would like to think that what mom said "Don't put it in my face" also went for the children. Don't put it in their faces either.

[NoIDidn't]

My suggestion (to those posting/responding to this thread) would be the following: don't feed the narcissist.

 

And don't think that your "coming back at him" - and then him "explaining/exclaiming" how little you comprehend - does not constitute a source of "supply"....

 

Ha! Totally missed this.

 

Totally true.

 

WHen I stopped supplying my narcissist ex with his supply, he disappeared.

 

Point taken.

 

Poor little girl though.

[Realist3]

It sounds like you and your wife never were 100% committed to each other. The numerous break-ups/"flings" over the first 8 years of your relationship probably signify some basic incompatibility, as does the constant arguing with each other. Maybe the two of you are too much alike in personality rather than complementary to each other. Most people want to view their marriage as a respite, not to "drive" each other "mentally." I don't want to compete with my spouse or drive my spouse, most people don't, because it doesn't work, as you've found out. It's not a very good model for building a marriage.

 

It is likely you are much better as business partners than as spouses, a marriage has aspects of a business but it's not the same thing.

 

It sounds like you probably got married to each other due to being type A personalities, coming from similar backgrounds, familiarity, and perhaps at the time perceiving yourselves as having no obviously better alternatives.

 

Even on such a fundamental issue as having and raising children you never really agreed with each other.

 

The OW sounds like she is just using you as an exit strategy from a bad marriage. Calling her a soulmate isn't being a realist, it's self-deluding, she's just a woman you met at your kid's school who was available and willing to cheat with you for her own reasons (her cheating, controlling husband upon whom she wants revenge).

 

Choosing your affair partner just because she's available and convenient is pretty typical--that's how a lot of people seem to pick their affair partners--but I wouldn't consider it as being very selective at all, it's not as if you found someone really "special" to have your affair with. There's a good chance that if it weren't for your assets your OW wouldn't be interested at all in you--she might just be a gold digger and picked you because of your wealth.

 

In your position, it would actually kind of irritate me and bug my ego that my own wife doesn't even care that I'm more or less openly cheating on her. This is what your wife's attitude seems to be, as long as you don't rub her face in it. You have to assume with that kind of laissez faire attitude your wife is or has been cheating on you as well, she certainly has both the motive and the opportunity with all her traveling.

 

The reason you're conflicted and not seeking resolution of the marriage (divorce, or perhaps an open marriage if divorce is not an option due to financial entanglements) is because you're enough of a realist to understand that your OW is not someone it makes sense to commit your entire life to. That would be a huge mistake and you know it.

 

So basically you are trying to piece together two unsatisfactory relationships, the marriage and the affair, in place of one complete, unified satisfactory relationship, and obviously two unsatisfactory partial relationships does not equal one solid happy one. Leaving you in the current state of limbo.

 

I think to get to a solution you need to go all the way back to the beginning of your relationship with your wife and try to figure out what you were trying to do and your real motivations in forcing yourself to marry someone that you simply weren't ever compatible with. You may need counseling or a life coach to help you with this.

 

It's like your whole idea of what a marriage (hence a healthy committed relationship) should be went completely off track really early on. Two type As constantly arguing and driving each other isn't what MOST people think is a workable marriage and yet you don't seem to realize that even though it's never really worked for you personally.

 

You have a lot of interfamily entganglements with your wife's family and maybe that was part of why you got married, you were both from the same social set.

 

Listen, you can't make be afraid to make important decisions in your life just based on what you "think" family members will or won't do or will or won't approve of. Of course how family members feel is a factor, but it's only one factor, and you have to remember that sometimes dysfunctional families aren't good for you to emulate. You can get trapped doing or not doing things and making yourself unhappy because you want to please family, that's really not how you should make decisions. Also most of the time other people even close family members will be critical without regard for whether the criticism is what's best for you.

 

You have to be your own man.

 

As far as the level you're involving your 11 year old daughter, since I don't trust your OW's motives, I don't think it's a very good idea. If your daughter is attaching emotionally to the OW it's as a replacement for an absent or uninvolved mother. Getting that rug pulled out from under her as is pretty likely at some point down the road is probably going to result in one pissed off and rebellious adolescent young woman.

 

I say the rug will get pulled out from your daugher because what you've described of your affair is as a stop gap or band aid on a broken marriage. The affair can function like that, as a band aid, for an indefinite period of limbo but most of the time cannot handle the strain of fully replacing the primary relationship.

 

What you don't realize is that your daughter will hit puberty over the next few years and her broken relationship with her mother will be a huge issue. If she gets screwed over by the OW as others are warning you might happen, you are likely to be the fall guy. The description of how you are handling your personal life doesn't indicate that you are capable of being both mother and father to your daughter and able to help her navigate puberty in the context of a falling-apart marriage and unclarified relationship with an inadequate substitute and perhaps temporary mother replacement figure who is likely in it for her own selfish reasons.

 

 

Great post, and a lot of what you is true especially the part of us being good business partners instead of marital partners. A lot of other good things in there to think about as well.

[Realist3]

One of the things someone mentioned yesterday was that of an independent woman v. a damsel in distress. I thought about that quite a bit last night. But it always came back to the individual.

[Realist3]

Her mother may not be the most nurturing person (its a myth that all women have that drive anyway), but she is her mom. And being a driven career woman is a positive for her daughter to see.

 

Most certainly it is a positive, but the reason they have have always been at odds takes away from that positive. And as I said before I'm not going to beat my wife up on here, but "not the most nurturing" is a nice way to put it.

[alexandria35]

OP read up on Parental Alienation.

 

Saying that your 11-year-old daughter doesn't like her mom is not okay. And it really sounds like you are saying that her knowing about your affair is okay because she doesn't like her own mother anyway.

 

That's beyond disturbing.

 

Her mother may not be the most nurturing person (its a myth that all women have that drive anyway), but she is her mom. And being a driven career woman is a positive for her daughter to see.

 

Sounds like there was once a time that she had a great adaptive family where mom works hard outside the home and dad did it in the home. Now she sees what mom is doing as bad and while dad is doing bad, its good?

 

My concern is clearly for the child. Adults don't get to mess them up and then complain about what they get in the end. There is a world of difference between being a workaholic and exposing your child to an affair.

 

I would like to think that what mom said "Don't put it in my face" also went for the children. Don't put it in their faces either.

 

Absolutely agree with the bolded. I had to leave this thread yesterday as I was becoming far to upset with what this guy is doing to his daughter. I was outraged and I was somewhat bewildered as to why some of the posters here were continuing to debate the affair with him while paying little, if any attention to the mental abuse his daughter is being subjected to. I know this is the infidelity board but I feel like this guys affair actually pales in comparison to the way he is messing up his kids head.

 

OP if you believe the things you have said in this thread than your reasoning and logic skills are very poor. Stunted actually. Your affair is AOK because your daughter likes the OW more than her mom and she doesn't get along with her mother anyways. WOW!! Okay so if your daughter likes chocolate bars for dinner more than she likes vegetables then giving her chocolate bars for supper would make sense to you? And if she likes watching cartoons on TV more than she likes going to school then you would be okay with that too? And on the subject of your daughter not getting along with her mother, while it is normal for their to be some friction between mothers and daughters I believe any strife between your wife and your daughter is being greatly exacerbated by the your daughters involvement in your affair and your OW. Her divided loyalties are messing up her perceptions and she doesn't know how twisted and sick her home situation is.

 

I don't care how many abortions your wife has had. I don't care how much time she spends at work or how nuturing she is. You two agreed to this arrangement. Many families have one nuturing parent at home and one parent out working. Typically it's the mother that stays home but more and more we are seeing fathers stay home with the kids while mom works. So what? What in the world does that have to do with anything. If you were out working and your wife stayed home with the kids, how would it look to you if she decided you weren't nuturing enough and she went out and got herself an affair partner. Then she involved her affair partner with your daughter all the while encouraging her to participate in the deception and betrayal of you. And then justified this heinous situation by saying asanine things like 'oh well daughter likes OM better than you and you don't get along with daughter anyways so it's fine that I deceived you and it's fine that I encouraged daughter to betray and deceive you too'

 

What you are doing to your daughter is sick, twisted, cruel and abusive. People here are ragging on you for your affair? Your affair is nothing compared to the way you are messing up your kid. I'm glad you got money because she is going to need years of expensive therapy. Daughters need to love and respect their mothers. This relationship is crucial to a childs emotional health. How dare you destroy that relationship and how dare you rob your daughter of this. And before you start whining about how it's all your wifes fault keep in mind that secrets destroy relationships. Your wife could become the most loving caring mother in the world from this day on and your daughter will never be able to be close to her because of the secrets and betrayal she carries inside of her. No matter what her mother does or doesn't do your daughter will never be able to love her until she is able to rid herself of the deceit you have put upon her.

[Realist3]

Believe me, my daughter is thinking about her friends, swim team, playing in the neighborhood, etc., not my affair. She doesn't even know what an affair really means. Yes, she likes OW, and wishes she were her mom, but it is not something that is on her mind.

[Realist3]

She doesn't even know what sex is. She just thinks we are really really good friends who see each other.