Are all men like him or he is really not good enough as a husband?

[Cates]

We've been together for 9 years with a 1.5 year old daughter. We both worked 8-5. Besides that, he is a part time musician. Jam 3 times per week minimum. In the past couple years, he's been on tour for two weeks + a weekend here and there during summer time.

 

I feel really angry at him from time to time. getting more often and when he is not home. I will pretend talking to him about what I am upset about and cry. I am very tired. I feel like I am alone in this home and doesn't have any support.

 

1. When he is home, he is just sitting and watching TV all the time or take a 12 min smoke break every 30-45 min. some days he will just fall asleep the entire time.

2. I feel that I always have to ask him to help around the housework. If I don't ask, I ends up doing everything all by myself. Even I ask, I feel that he always procrastinate and very reluctant to do it.

3. His parents make some smart comments from time to time and it really bothers me. I had a hard time letting go these comments. (one time when he is on tour for the weekend, his mom texted me,"oh I heard you are a weekend widow again....) (the other time his step mother said,"I hope you two will AT least have a dinner together")

4. The only constant chores he is responsible are, cat litter, garbage day. But I always have to prepare or clean up for him (he only takes out the garbage from the bin where I have to collect them so all he needs to do is taking it out)

5. We haven't had sex for over a year now since baby was born

6. What ever upgrading I want or suggest to do around the house. It will ends up hiring someone by me or I have to do it all by my self. He is no part of it at all

7. He picks on me about not being tidy and messy.

8. We have 3 bedrooms and an unfinished basement. 1 is bb room, 1 is our bedroom and one is storage for majority of his stuff. 1/3 of the basement is full of his stuff also. BUT he complains that my 2 drawers filing cabinet took up lots of room in his storage room otherwise he could put more of his stuff. I feel I have no place in this house

 

Am I being too picky on him or something else?

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you two really need to sit down and figure out a way for the both of you to be happy. You shouldn't continue to put up with misery. Heck in your situation I wouldn't even be scared to be alone as you probably feel that way constantly anyways.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable whatsoever. He has a child now and needs to adjust his priorities.

[CarboniteCammy]

Well...has he always been like this, or has this changed over time?

 

My husband mostly takes care of the outside of the house, although, since I'm over 9 months pregnant (God will this baby ever come????) he's had to help alot inside (which has bred some resentment on his part, truly).

 

It sounds like he expects an awful lot out of you, but really isn't offering anything in return. I don't see the difference between this situation and you being completely alone. No offense, but three chores isn't a whole lot to contribute to a marriage and you could just as easily do those yourself.

 

In your place, I'd probably consider separating for a time to see how that felt, to see if there was any change for you personally. I doubt you'll feel much of a difference in your life, honestly.

 

On the other hand, he'll probably feel an awful lot of change- no one will be there to take care of him and he'll realize how quickly things pile up with NO ONE doing them.

 

One thing to consider, which you did not mention in your post, is whether he's having an affair. The lack of sex, the constant picking, the disengagement from the relationship, are all signs that he may be getting his emotional and physical needs met somewhere else.

[january2011]

1 and 2. Draw up a list of household chores and share them out between the two of you: what can you do on a regular basis, when and to what standard so that you create a fairly neat and healthy house. There may be chores that neither of you want to do that still need to be done. You're going to have to suck it up, divide these as fairly as possible, as best you can.

 

3. My first thought was that they're trying to sympathise with you being left alone and not spending enough time together, but they're doing a poor job of it, through humour - but you dont feel like laughing. If you're open to it, I'd suggest inviting them over and either asking them to help out (even if it's just playing with their grandaughter while you do some chores) or to keep you company while he's away.

 

4. See first item above.

 

5. Have either of you tried to initiate? What happens? Have you talked to him about what's going on at his end and told him what's going on at yours?

 

6. This suggests that he is happy with the way things are. Again, you need to talk to him and suggest that he takes on part of the responsibility - even if it's just making the phone calls to get quotes.

 

7. See first item above. I'd suggest that you explain to him that you need his help in the housework and in looking after your daughter - find out what he can do and what he is willing to learn to do.

 

8. Who owns the house? Both of you? Or is it rented? Either way, it's your family home, you need to both treat it as such. If he wants the home to be tidy, then he needs to work towards that goal with you, together.

 

----------------------

 

His behaviour suggests that he hasn't quite come to terms with his responsiblities as a father, husband and lover. It is not enough just to bring money into the house and leave everything else up to you.

 

I realise that you are under a lot of pressure. However, you need to talk to him in a way that he will listen and act upon. That usually requires the two of you to sit down and be open and honest in a calm manner. Please try not to get angry or accusatory. It's not about assigning blame. It's about finding a way to work together so that everyone does their bit without sacrificing too much on their own needs, for the good of the family group.

 

Running the house, maintaining the relationship and raising your daughter is not solely your responsiblity or his. It's a joint responsibility. It's a partnership, not a one-(wo)man show. You really are in this together and need to come up with a plan together to make it work.

 

I suggest reviewing the chores schedule on a weekly/monthly/quarterly/yearly basis (or whatever you feel is appropriate) and amending as necessary so that it all gets done, even if one month you're picking up the slack and the next month he is.

[pink_sugar]

 

1. When he is home, he is just sitting and watching TV all the time or take a 12 min smoke break every 30-45 min. some days he will just fall asleep the entire time.

2. I feel that I always have to ask him to help around the housework. If I don't ask, I ends up doing everything all by myself. Even I ask, I feel that \

7. He picks on me about not being tidy and messy.

 

He picks on you about not being tidy yet he doesn't want to help with the housework. I find a lot of controversy in those statements. He doesn't really have any right to complain about how messy you are if he doesn't want to do any housework.

[Cates]

Well...has he always been like this, or has this changed over time?

 

My husband mostly takes care of the outside of the house, although, since I'm over 9 months pregnant (God will this baby ever come????) he's had to help alot inside (which has bred some resentment on his part, truly).

 

It sounds like he expects an awful lot out of you, but really isn't offering anything in return. I don't see the difference between this situation and you being completely alone. No offense, but three chores isn't a whole lot to contribute to a marriage and you could just as easily do those yourself.

 

In your place, I'd probably consider separating for a time to see how that felt, to see if there was any change for you personally. I doubt you'll feel much of a difference in your life, honestly.

 

On the other hand, he'll probably feel an awful lot of change- no one will be there to take care of him and he'll realize how quickly things pile up with NO ONE doing them.

 

One thing to consider, which you did not mention in your post, is whether he's having an affair. The lack of sex, the constant picking, the disengagement from the relationship, are all signs that he may be getting his emotional and physical needs met somewhere else.

I don't think he is having an affair (at least not physically). His jam space is 5 min away from home and I know where is he and who he is with majority of the time.

[Cates]

Sounds like you two really need to sit down and figure out a way for the both of you to be happy. You shouldn't continue to put up with misery. Heck in your situation I wouldn't even be scared to be alone as you probably feel that way constantly anyways.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable whatsoever. He has a child now and needs to adjust his priorities.

When he was on tour this year for two weeks. I actually enjoy the time alone with baby. I feel so free and weight off my shoulders. Maybe I love him but not in love with him

[luvinthesun]

ah no sex in over a year- thats a problem-

 

I didnt read the other responses... I think stop doing his laundry all together.

get rid of the cat

do those rooms yourself

yard sale unwanted stuff

 

tell him you are going to do these things- and whatever else- unless he steps up

does his share

has sex

does cat littler- etc..

[momiss2]

Sounds like the man I was married to for 22 years. It turned to resentment within me, because he wouldn't listen and didn't care to listen. Finally the marriage broke down thank god. When he left: I have 3 more jobs added to my life: garbage, mowing the lawn and recycling.... How could I live without that help . I didn't need another kid let along one who put me down and seemed to enjoy making me feel bad. I'd set a limit on that crap and suggest he help out or move out.

[Cates]

I am not cheating. My baby is our 1.5 year old daughter.

[Cates]

I don't know why. Sex always the last thing on my list.

[Cates]

22 years. that's a long time. I don't know if I can stand him that long

[Spark1111]

I don't know why. Sex always the last thing on my list.

 

You sound exhausted and depressed. A baby, a house to care for, and an H who doesn't work with you and is frequently gone.

 

Can someone watch the baby while you two try to have some fun together? Even if it cleaning out the basement? Attending his jam sessions?

 

It is obvious the resentment is growing and if you two do not work to turn it around and put the relationship first, and that includes a healthy sex life, date night, some fun together, and RESPECT, it will die of natural causes.

[Negative Nancy]

I think all men are like him.

[knitwit]

The answer to your question, Are all men like him, is a resounding NO. Do many wives feel like their guys don't do enough to help out? I think Yes. But, usually there is some help and there isn't the blatant disregard and disrespect as well.

 

I am not sure what you are getting out of the relationship, besides resentment and a lot of BS. That is usually a good parameter for actually getting YOURSELF out of the relationship.

 

Also, my thoughts also lean towards him having an affair. Very few guys wouldn't be pestering you for sex after one year (!!!), and if he is out and about playing on weekends and touring then he has time. Also, there are many workplace affairs. I wouldn't rule it out without doing some signficant snooping first.

 

You really don't need to put up with what you've got now, independent of the thought of getting into another relationship. You'd likely be a lot happier and less stressed on your own.

 

But , if you do end up divorcing and you think you might want to try again- there are a lot of good guys out there, who actually value being a husband and a father, and base a lot of their self-worth on being able to make their loved ones happy. They exist!

 

However it shakes out, I wish you luck. Enjoy your 1.5 YO DD. She is the best gift you could get!