about cheating again

[bryan]

since everyone seems to be so interested in discussing cheaters i would like to know everyones take on the meaning of the word 'cheater'. is a person a cheater if he/she goes to someone else for emotional support rather than their spouse or even for intellectual stimulation which might be lacking in a relationship. is this also cheating or would most people consider sex outside of a relationship to be the only kind of cheating there is.

[Tony T]

Cheating is like overeating. At what point have you had too much? Which spoonful was the spoonful that took you from normal to overeating?

 

You have to make your own definition based on accepted norms and your own conscience.

 

Most women would probably have a far more detailed and narrow view of the definition when it came to men. And men would have a far more detailed and narrow view when it came to women.

 

Generally, I personally think cheating is when you take your focus off the person you are committed to. This could be with an affair, a one night stand, phone calls, Email, Internet chat, obsession with girly magazines or pornography, etc. Looking at cute girls at the mall or on the beach, in my opinion, is not cheating but some women might consider it that.

 

It's quite human for a man to size up a lady, imagine himself with her, etc. so I really don't know if that's cheating or not. I don't think so. But when you put out energy behind your lady's back to communicate with other females, to have sex with them, have sexy chats on the Internet or exchange sexy Email, or to subscribe to Internet porn sites with the idea of taking your imagination to the limit, that would constitute adultery. Adultery comes from the word adulterate, which basically means mixing with something else.

 

By engaging in activity with other women, real or imagined, outside of your commitment, you are mixing your relationship with something or someone else. You are going beyond acceptable boundaries. Now, many men do that and there are many posts on this forum about this. I think it's cheating, others may not.

 

If you are in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you, before you start going to other females in any form it is much better to try to heal the relationship. It's not at all unusual for relationships to sort of go stale after a bit but I think it is wrong to look to other women and materials to satisfy those unfulfilled needs.

 

I don't really know what the answer is...but I think it can be found in excellent communication with the one you're with and not outside of that. More pain and hurt has been created through cheating than almost any other human conduct. If you play, you have to pay...there's no getting around it.

 

If you're doing something your spouse or lover doesn't know about now, give it time. You will eventually know if it's cheating or not by your mate's reaction to it.

[frank]

Cheating is like overeating. At what point have you had too much? Which spoonful was the spoonful that took you from normal to overeating?

 

You have to make your own definition based on accepted norms and your own conscience. Most women would probably have a far more detailed and narrow view of the definition when it came to men. And men would have a far more detailed and narrow view when it came to women.

 

Generally, I personally think cheating is when you take your focus off the person you are committed to. This could be with an affair, a one night stand, phone calls, Email, Internet chat, obsession with girly magazines or pornography, etc. Looking at cute girls at the mall or on the beach, in my opinion, is not cheating but some women might consider it that. It's quite human for a man to size up a lady, imagine himself with her, etc. so I really don't know if that's cheating or not. I don't think so. But when you put out energy behind your lady's back to communicate with other females, to have sex with them, have sexy chats on the Internet or exchange sexy Email, or to subscribe to Internet porn sites with the idea of taking your imagination to the limit, that would constitute adultery. Adultery comes from the word adulterate, which basically means mixing with something else. By engaging in activity with other women, real or imagined, outside of your commitment, you are mixing your relationship with something or someone else. You are going beyond acceptable boundaries. Now, many men do that and there are many posts on this forum about this. I think it's cheating, others may not. If you are in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you, before you start going to other females in any form it is much better to try to heal the relationship. It's not at all unusual for relationships to sort of go stale after a bit but I think it is wrong to look to other women and materials to satisfy those unfulfilled needs. I don't really know what the answer is...but I think it can be found in excellent communication with the one you're with and not outside of that. More pain and hurt has been created through cheating than almost any other human conduct. If you play, you have to pay...there's no getting around it.

 

If you're doing something your spouse or lover doesn't know about now, give it time. You will eventually know if it's cheating or not by your mate's reaction to it.

What if your mate fails to have any reaction to what you are doing because A. They are too afraid to know what's going on B. Or possibly they think it will get better if they just leave it alone.

 

I have been faced with both lack of reactions with the only references to the cheating situation as subtle hints to my lover, but never an up-front question about what's going on. The only things said are "If I ever find out I'll leave"(said only a few times, the situation now is just left to fester) They probably know because friends and acquaintances do talk and make accusations.

 

I know my relationship isn't giving me what I need, or obviously I wouldn't be looking elsewhere. I fear it never will provide me with what I need, and my lover just has the capability to make me absolutely delirious with happiness at times. Yet I'm torn, my significant other does everything for me without question, I love them so much, but do you think they do that just because they're afriad I'll walk out if they don't. They are a great catch, but my lover drives me crazy on all fronts. Passion and communication beyond belief. Communication I don't have in my "real" relationship which has become lies and deception or just avoiding the issues. Should I live like that the rest of my life? I shouldn't have to. Problem is I might have to for fear of leaving my mate and facing the humiliation of a failed relationship. P.S.-Lover is also married. If it couldn't get more dysfunctional. They too, are looking for something they don't have. Cheating in my opinion marks the end, especially after a period of extended cheating. Yet very confusing situation.

[Pair a Fries]

Frank, you my friend are an ass and give men everywhere a bad name.

 

Be a man and throw back the small ones before you keep fishing.

[frank]

Frank, you my friend are an ass and give men everywhere a bad name. Be a man and throw back the small ones before you keep fishing.

Pair of Fries you are probably right with your succinct diagnosis. But, do remember, there's another ass involved in this situation who fails to be a real woman. Probably gives women a bad name too. But, Pair your brief advice does push me in the right direction, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else. Even a complete stranger. Thanks.