Boyfriend's new band/tour means relationship is on the back burner. How to cope?

[Lovezen_30]

We've been together about a year and I love him very much/feel that's reciprocated. He's always been very into music as long as I've known him/was in a band when we met - but about two months ago, he got offered a role in a signed band who have two albums out. I was so pleased for him as it's an amazing opportunity.

 

When I started finding out about the band (realising they'd recently come back from a tour abroad) I started to think about how things might change. Already, during the week I've seen him less as he has a lot of rehearsals. A few days ago he broke it to me that there was a good chance he wouldn't be here for my 21st birthday because he could be in another country gigging.

 

Today, he phoned to say he'd just found out another gig has been moved to the weekend we were meant to go to a concert I'd got him tickets for for his birthday (something I think we were both really looking forward to). I just felt completely gutted when he told me, and burst into tears when I got off the phone. There have just been a lot of changes, really fast.

 

I've always said that I think this is an amazing opporunity he has to take no matter what, but I'm finding this really hard - he could hear how upset I was on the phone so has asked me to think about it etc...this is my final year at uni and very important to me to get through it/have him there/be happy - whether it's correct or not, I look into the next couple of months and envision being miserable. I feel like I should be completely supportive of him, and feel weak for crying over it. What should I do/how do I think this through?

 

I really love him and ideally want to be 100% okay with this, but it really hurts.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You've got to be supportive at this moment...If music is his passion I don't see It's gets any bigger than this.

 

There are always tests in relationships and this is just one of them...depending on how old he is and since you're so young you're not ready for something ultra-serious, this is probably not going to last If he continues to get more popular...I'm really not sure how strongly he feels about you.

 

The truth is he's going to be boozing it up, hanging around bar whores/groupies and he's got to decide how valuable this relationship is to him...you've got to build trust and constantly communicate and compromise but he may have a hard time communicating as much as you'd like, but anything is really possible in this day and age...it's never been easier.

 

Talk to him about this and your concerns and try to find solutions that at least ease the pain...communicating how you feel is hugely important and it's a two-way street.

 

Whenever in doubt, communicate and communicate...try to make him understand that you just need to express to him how you feel and understand it, sometimes It can't always be solved, but you need his support and understanding as well as you want to be there for him but don't want to feel left out and all that jazz.

 

IMO you're too young and will likely be too dependent at this age on him and will probably be better off taking a break IF that's what you wanna call it, I think If he continues to tour and he's band is actually worth a crap this will only become more difficult and challenging and too much for people your age.

[Lovezen_30]

You've got to be supportive at this moment...If music is his passion I don't see It's gets any bigger than this.

 

There are always tests in relationships and this is just one of them...depending on how old he is and since you're so young you're not ready for something ultra-serious, this is probably not going to last If he continues to get more popular...I'm really not sure how strongly he feels about you.

 

The truth is he's going to be boozing it up, hanging around bar whores/groupies and he's got to decide how valuable this relationship is to him...you've got to build trust and constantly communicate and compromise but he may have a hard time communicating as much as you'd like, but anything is really possible in this day and age...it's never been easier.

 

Talk to him about this and your concerns and try to find solutions that at least ease the pain...communicating how you feel is hugely important and it's a two-way street.

 

Whenever in doubt, communicate and communicate...try to make him understand that you just need to express to him how you feel and understand it, sometimes It can't always be solved, but you need his support and understanding as well as you want to be there for him but don't want to feel left out and all that jazz.

 

IMO you're too young and will likely be too dependent at this age on him and will probably be better off taking a break IF that's what you wanna call it, I think If he continues to tour and he's band is actually worth a crap this will only become more difficult and challenging and too much for people your age.

 

Thanks for your reply. (part in bold) Do you say that because he's putting this opporunity first?

 

I should probably mention: that last month I went abroad for three weeks to do something related to my career. He was 100% supportive, there was a lot of trust on both parts, lots of communication and he came out to see me. I think he felt a bit resentful that I didn't support him 100% in response, but it's different because there was always a set time I was going to be gone for - he's told me there's no guarantees with when gig dates will be set etc, when he might have to up and leave.

 

I love him, and feel like I should be able to handle this. I'll be losing out on a wonderful person if I break it off, but at the same time don't want to struggle through this as I want to enjoy my youth/not look back at being miserable. So, I'm not sure whether to just continue on or suggest a break (which I think he would hate).

Edited June 26, 2012 by Lovezen_30

[darkmoon]

music is hard to succeed at, statistically, this is a very lucky break, i think you'll have to take him as you find him, it would be better for you both, methinks

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thanks for your reply. (part in bold) Do you say that because he's putting this opporunity first?

 

I should probably mention: that last month I went abroad for three weeks to do something related to my career. He was 100% supportive, there was a lot of trust on both parts, lots of communication and he came out to see me. I think he felt a bit resentful that I didn't support him 100% in response, but it's different because there was always a set time I was going to be gone for - he's told me there's no guarantees with when gig dates will be set etc, when he might have to up and leave.

 

I love him, and feel like I should be able to handle this. I'll be losing out on a wonderful person if I break it off, but at the same time don't want to struggle through this as I want to enjoy my youth/not look back at being miserable. So, I'm not sure whether to just continue on or suggest a break (which I think he would hate).

 

He's doing what he needs to do, he doesn't have a choice in this matter. If he puts you first that means not going on tour or doing whatever it is he needs to do. That would be a ridiculous choice for him and a huge missed opportunity because who knows where this would take him and relationships come and go especially when young.

 

The difference with men and women, and also planning is you know exactly when the person will be gone and back, plus maybe he wanted to go overseas too? men are a bit more spontaneous and flexible, women like to know dates and specifics....he can't give you that luxury in this situation, so in most cases women freak out because they want to know when, what time, how etc...that can be extremely annoying, especially for a young guy who has no control over the situation, that will put pressure and stress him out.

 

You've got to understand that he's got to do what it takes right now and you have to say that to him, he has to feel supported. Women often like to pull men in closer when they're doing their own thing and that just makes a man want to push her away especially if he has no control over the situation.

 

If you have good trust and communication then continue to go on that and even increase it because you should be able to talk to him about all of this if your communication was that good and you should be able to understand each other and compromise because you will need to be flexible.

 

I would take it day by day and not get paranoid and jump to conclusions, you never know how this is going to go for him, and what kind of feedback hes getting out there, if he's not doing well they might not continue touring, I don't know. But you've got to just go with the flow, but you've also got to ask yourself what you're willing to invest and sacrifice and this point in your life, what is realistic, can you deal with a relationshp like this?

 

Feelings are one thing, but you're quite young...you're going to think and feel differently about a lot of things once you are older, I know that's not my consolation now but sometimes it's better to end a relationship before it gets bad, stressful and makes everyone unhappy rather than riding it out and running it into the ground because of something you couldn't change...like in this situation, it might be better to reconnect in the future If his life is going that unpredictably at least so you can focus on your own life and enjoying it...you're only young once and this is the easiest time of your life, so you've got to make the most of it.

[Lovezen_30]

He's doing what he needs to do, he doesn't have a choice in this matter. If he puts you first that means not going on tour or doing whatever it is he needs to do. That would be a ridiculous choice for him and a huge missed opportunity because who knows where this would take him and relationships come and go especially when young.

 

The difference with men and women, and also planning is you know exactly when the person will be gone and back, plus maybe he wanted to go overseas too? men are a bit more spontaneous and flexible, women like to know dates and specifics....he can't give you that luxury in this situation, so in most cases women freak out because they want to know when, what time, how etc...that can be extremely annoying, especially for a young guy who has no control over the situation, that will put pressure and stress him out.

 

You've got to understand that he's got to do what it takes right now and you have to say that to him, he has to feel supported. Women often like to pull men in closer when they're doing their own thing and that just makes a man want to push her away especially if he has no control over the situation.

 

If you have good trust and communication then continue to go on that and even increase it because you should be able to talk to him about all of this if your communication was that good and you should be able to understand each other and compromise because you will need to be flexible.

 

I would take it day by day and not get paranoid and jump to conclusions, you never know how this is going to go for him, and what kind of feedback hes getting out there, if he's not doing well they might not continue touring, I don't know. But you've got to just go with the flow, but you've also got to ask yourself what you're willing to invest and sacrifice and this point in your life, what is realistic, can you deal with a relationshp like this?

 

Feelings are one thing, but you're quite young...you're going to think and feel differently about a lot of things once you are older, I know that's not my consolation now but sometimes it's better to end a relationship before it gets bad, stressful and makes everyone unhappy rather than riding it out and running it into the ground because of something you couldn't change...like in this situation, it might be better to reconnect in the future If his life is going that unpredictably at least so you can focus on your own life and enjoying it...you're only young once and this is the easiest time of your life, so you've got to make the most of it.

 

Yeah, I completely understand that he needs to take the opportunity and that relationships will come and go. But, the shift does beg the question, can he give what is needed for a healthy enough relationship at this point in time?

 

The problem is, that I'm not sure whether I can deal with a relationship like this. That's really stumping me. If I let it go now, then I might regret not knowing if we could have lasted out if we had stayed together; and if I stay, I risk undergoing the 'running into the ground' in a few months time or more.

 

Do you think it might be worth at least sticking out to see what happens when the tour really kicks off? At least then I would know whether I couldn't cope or not for sure, and if the latter was the case, then at least I would still have plenty of time to enjoy my youth...!

 

I wonder if suggesting the reconnection later on is a good idea, or how I would even go about doing so. I think it would upset him, although it seems realistic enough. It's very hard not knowing what to do. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

[FitChick]

If you want to date a musician, you have to be very independent and turn a blind eye to any indiscretions, which are part of that culture. That's why I stopped dating musicians.

[Lovezen_30]

If you want to date a musician, you have to be very independent and turn a blind eye to any indiscretions, which are part of that culture. That's why I stopped dating musicians.

 

Well I am independent; and as for indiscretions, I think we can trust eachother.

 

Last week, he was talking about how he'd found out his friend (who we both know) had cheated on his girlfriend, and to be honest his feelings on cheating and not condoning it himself have always been clear. I know there can be temptations, but surely that is more about a person's character and not simply because they are or aren't a musician (or a footballer, or whatever else...).

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well I am independent; and as for indiscretions, I think we can trust eachother.

 

Last week, he was talking about how he'd found out his friend (who we both know) had cheated on his girlfriend, and to be honest his feelings on cheating and not condoning it himself have always been clear. I know there can be temptations, but surely that is more about a person's character and not simply because they are or aren't a musician (or a footballer, or whatever else...).

 

The biggest things in life that will hurt you the most is when something happens that you thought was impossible or you were safe from because you turned your guard down. Don't be defensive or on guard necessarily, but be realistic...musicians are "popular" whether they're just regular people like everyone else...some succeeding some not, and can dependent on just mere timing and luck of meeting the right people they are still attractive to women and so he'll be tempted...however all men are tempted they're just not traditionally as lucrative, that depends on status, wealth, prestige..these things mean a lot more as you get older as when you're young it's not as important...his career alone simply makes him a target to women who just consider that artsy and creative...people are crazy but we all know that!

 

Anyways, the point is not about him cheating or not at this point as he hasn't given you any reason to believe that so why create a problem where there is none..it's just to make you realize that things change, people develop...I never thought I'd be a cheater or a dater type guy or someone that would be giving relationship advice or what not...when I was in my early 20's I thought I'd be married with kids at 26 (because by then I'd be old as dirt ) and have this nice little conservative life with my virgin wife and two little kids bouncing around while I go to some high paying job....boy was I wrong about a lot of things!

 

What is healthy and sustainable has to be decided that two people who probably don't really understand much about relationships, life or the world...so do the best you can do with your communication...try to find a happy medium and something that is satisfactory for the both of you.

 

These kinds of decisions are never easy, trust me that doesn't change as you get older..the only thing is when you're older you realize that going through it again isn't worth it so you do what you have to do without wasting and investing so much time anymore.

 

You've got to decide what is best for you and even the potential of the relationship, if the emotions are there they can be rekindled and will likely be there in the future...If you're both "free" and come back to one another then you really did have something special, If you both meet someone else and move on then....well?, would it have been worth dragging that on for another year or two just to come to the same point?

 

Decisions, decisions....they're not ever easy most of the time, so you really both have to do some soul-searching, and be willing to determine whether you're going to try and stick it through or figure it's best to walk away now. Not sure how long its been that he's been gone now or how long he will continue to be, talk about it and find out what you're willing to sacrifice and do for this relationship and whether that seems realistic....let's say he cheats down the road or maybe you meet someone else while he's gone all the time, would it have been better to have ended it before that happened or now live with that kind of scar on your relationship?

 

Are you able to give him his freedom or do you need more of an investment from someone you're with? is it worth the sacrifice and the risk?

 

You have to always ask these questiosn throughout your life...you get old fast! Before you know it, time will fly by.

[FitChick]

Be prepared for the "they're just groupies" excuse.

[Lovezen_30]

The biggest things in life that will hurt you the most is when something happens that you thought was impossible or you were safe from because you turned your guard down. Don't be defensive or on guard necessarily, but be realistic...musicians are "popular" whether they're just regular people like everyone else...some succeeding some not, and can dependent on just mere timing and luck of meeting the right people they are still attractive to women and so he'll be tempted...however all men are tempted they're just not traditionally as lucrative, that depends on status, wealth, prestige..these things mean a lot more as you get older as when you're young it's not as important...his career alone simply makes him a target to women who just consider that artsy and creative...people are crazy but we all know that!

 

Anyways, the point is not about him cheating or not at this point as he hasn't given you any reason to believe that so why create a problem where there is none..it's just to make you realize that things change, people develop...I never thought I'd be a cheater or a dater type guy or someone that would be giving relationship advice or what not...when I was in my early 20's I thought I'd be married with kids at 26 (because by then I'd be old as dirt ) and have this nice little conservative life with my virgin wife and two little kids bouncing around while I go to some high paying job....boy was I wrong about a lot of things!

 

What is healthy and sustainable has to be decided that two people who probably don't really understand much about relationships, life or the world...so do the best you can do with your communication...try to find a happy medium and something that is satisfactory for the both of you.

 

These kinds of decisions are never easy, trust me that doesn't change as you get older..the only thing is when you're older you realize that going through it again isn't worth it so you do what you have to do without wasting and investing so much time anymore.

 

You've got to decide what is best for you and even the potential of the relationship, if the emotions are there they can be rekindled and will likely be there in the future...If you're both "free" and come back to one another then you really did have something special, If you both meet someone else and move on then....well?, would it have been worth dragging that on for another year or two just to come to the same point?

 

Decisions, decisions....they're not ever easy most of the time, so you really both have to do some soul-searching, and be willing to determine whether you're going to try and stick it through or figure it's best to walk away now. Not sure how long its been that he's been gone now or how long he will continue to be, talk about it and find out what you're willing to sacrifice and do for this relationship and whether that seems realistic....let's say he cheats down the road or maybe you meet someone else while he's gone all the time, would it have been better to have ended it before that happened or now live with that kind of scar on your relationship?

 

Are you able to give him his freedom or do you need more of an investment from someone you're with? is it worth the sacrifice and the risk?

 

You have to always ask these questiosn throughout your life...you get old fast! Before you know it, time will fly by.

 

I'd just like to say, thanks for all your help and advice. It gave me a lot of food for thought, and allowed me to come to the decision that I think is right for me at this time.

 

I went back and forth for a few days, really thinking things through, then decided that I couldn't break up with him based on something that hasn't happened yet; so met up and explained my feelings/worries etc and said that I wanted to stay together, but at the same time, see how it goes, ie. if it gets too much to bear and leads to more unhappiness than it's worth, then like he is putting himself first (and so he should), I would too. He said he completely understood this and we talked about communicating while he's away and so on.

 

I think he has had a bit of trouble, however, dealing with the fact that I found all these changes etc hard, and that I had to go away and consider whether continuing with the relationship was the best option. A week later during conversation he said he knew I wished he wasn't in the band/going on tour at all and was visibly upset (after a few drinks)...even saying that he feels he can't talk about the music etc to me. I tried to calmy explain that this wasn't the case; that I wanted him to have the opportunity, and that I had reconciled my feelings with the issue.

 

He actually asked me to go with him on his next couple of tour dates, but I can't because of a prior engagement, although I will probably go to another soon. He's also been talking more about the band and what they're doing, so I'm taking this as a positive sign that he realises I'm more comfortable with the idea now. In reality, he hasn't been away for any measure of time yet, so we don't really know how we'll feel. But for now, I know I've made the best decision I could at the time, and will leave the chips to fall where they may. Thanks again!