Fear of abandonment and the need for needy girls

[Thierro]

I want to share who I am:

 

-I'm attracted to girls that need to be "saved". Insecure, younger, helpless girls that need a man to show them the way. I want to take care of them. I want to "father" them.

 

-If a girl isn't needy of my attention, I get insecure.

 

-For example: If a girl wants to go to a concert with friends, I get very paranoid and think she will meet a better man that can offer her more than i'm able to and will eventually leave me. I always think she has one foot out of the door.

 

-I emotionally abused my ex girlfriend with my "honesty" even though I knew it wasn't right.

 

-I don't want this. I thought I had changed after the break-up, but when I met another girl that told me she was going to a concert, it felt like she was stabbing a knife through my heart.

 

-I lost all my friends during my relationship with my ex, but I never had a lot of friends. So having a special bond with a girl was extra important to me.

 

-I always try to live in a bubble with a girl, away from other people. If she decides to interact with other people, I get insecure.

 

-I never feel good enough.

 

-I hate the majority of humans and spend my time as a loner. If I’m in a room with more than 5 people talking loudly, I'll go crazy and need to get the hell away from that situation.

 

I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with a girl. All I can do right now is faking it till I make it.

 

I have no clue on how to fix this. I need to be more confident, not needing validation from others etc. etc.

 

I know some suggested therapy...

[denise_xo]

Hi Thierro,

 

The way I see this, it's primarily an issue of self esteem and how you feel about yourself, rather than about relationships. I haven't had the particular problems that you outline in your OP, but I've had to do a lot of 'self work' in my life. Here are some of the things I have done and which I have found helpful:

 

Therapy

Anti depressants

Meditation

Exercise

Yoga

Spending more time in nature

Cutting out smoking and alcohol (might not apply to you)

Using various strategies to try to strengthen my social interaction with people

 

Is there anything on that list that you think could help you? Alternatively, if you were to design your own list to address the issues in your OP, what could that list look like?

 

You say people have suggested therapy in the past, is that something you would consider trying out?

[TaraMaiden]

I have no clue on how to fix this.

I know some suggested therapy...

 

Hi Thierro,

 

...... Here are some of the things I have done and which I have found helpful:

 

Therapy

......

You say people have suggested therapy in the past, is that something you would consider trying out?

 

Thierro, by virtue of the fact that you have no clue how to fix this, and many others - including me - have urged you to find a therapist, any reluctance on your part, should be put aside.

[Thierro]

I don’t feel like a therapist can tell me something that I don’t already know.

 

My father left us at the age of three. I got bullied a lot in school, had no friends and I spend my breaks alone outside. Eventually I got a couple of friends; all female. I have only had one meaningful long distance friendship with a guy. Also, there was one guy who wanted to be friends with me but he let me believe it was normal to have me lick his poophole or suck his cock. I have always felt disgusting because of that. I guess it’s one of the reasons that I want to be perfect and successful so that I don’t feel dirty. Years after that happened I thought I smelled like ****. Sometimes, when the guy wanted me to lick his *******, he was covered in poop. Even now when someone in a room say’s: “It smells bad in here” I usually think it’s me. People always complain that I am obsessed with putting everything straight, cleaning stuff over and over. But I feel dirty when I don’t.

 

I guess that’s why I am so controlling (fear of abandonment), need to father the girls I am in a relationship with and have the urge to be perfect.

 

I tried meditation, Buddhism and spending more time in nature. Even though I felt “enlightened” and peaceful after it, people didn’t treat me any different, maybe even worse. A more aggressive and not caring attitude helped me gain more respect from people in general.

 

Isn’t this something I can work out on my own? Whatever a therapist tells me is something I can read out of a book? Tara knows I think highly of her, I wish that Buddhism would have all the answers to change my life around, but I still haven't found what I am looking for.

[denise_xo]

I don’t feel like a therapist can tell me something that I don’t already know.

 

My father left us at the age of three. I got bullied a lot in school, had no friends and I spend my breaks alone outside. Eventually I got a couple of friends; all female. I have only had one meaningful long distance friendship with a guy. Also, there was one guy who wanted to be friends with me but he let me believe it was normal to have me lick his poophole or suck his cock. I have always felt disgusting because of that. I guess it’s one of the reasons that I want to be perfect and successful so that I don’t feel dirty. Years after that happened I thought I smelled like ****. Sometimes, when the guy wanted me to lick his *******, he was covered in poop. Even now when someone in a room say’s: “It smells bad in here” I usually think it’s me. People always complain that I am obsessed with putting everything straight, cleaning stuff over and over. But I feel dirty when I don’t.

 

I guess that’s why I am so controlling (fear of abandonment), need to father the girls I am in a relationship with and have the urge to be perfect.

 

I tried meditation, Buddhism and spending more time in nature. Even though I felt “enlightened” and peaceful after it, people didn’t treat me any different, maybe even worse. A more aggressive and not caring attitude helped me gain more respect from people in general.

 

Isn’t this something I can work out on my own? Whatever a therapist tells me is something I can read out of a book? Tara knows I think highly of her, I wish that Buddhism would have all the answers to change my life around, but I still haven't found what I am looking for.

 

I think you have misunderstood the point of therapy. A therapist is not there to 'tell you something you don't know'. He or she is there to facilitate YOU doing the work on YOURSELF. More generally, this isn't an intellectual exercise about brain type of knowledge, where reading a book or having people telling you stuff is the solution. The work is just as much, or more, directed to interacting with your DOING, and this can only be worked on though action, not merely thinking. The same applies to mediation, IMO. It's not primarily about feeling more enlightened intellectually (although that can be a part of it), it's about how you feel/be/act in the world, which is exactly what you are struggling with. I know you are a brainy, reflective type, which means that the work on being-in-the-world can be even more challenging. But the reality is that thinking is only 10% of the job done - to use a cliche, things are always easier said (or thought) than done. Finally, demanding respect from your surroundings is different than being aggressive, so it might be good for you to explore that difference.

[Thierro]

Thanks Denise, you are sweet.

 

It frustrates me that there isn’t a simple solution to it. It doesn’t even have to be simple as long as I know what to do to get to a good end result. I guess there’s only one way out. Denying and pretending won’t work nor does thinking and reading about it.

 

I hope it’s money well spend. It's too damn expensive.

[TaraMaiden]

I don’t feel like a therapist can tell me something that I don’t already know.

Well of course they can't. But that's not what they're for, nor what you need.

 

I guess that’s why I am so controlling (fear of abandonment), need to father the girls I am in a relationship with and have the urge to be perfect.

You have a range of mountains you need to cross on foot.

you don't need a guy to tell you that you have a range of mountains you need to cross on foot.

You need a guy who will say, "ok, follow me, I'll show you the ins and outs up and downs, best route, trickiest point and guide you through them."

 

You don't need therapy for what you already know. Nobody does.

You need therapy for how to get out of the loop.

 

I tried meditation, Buddhism and spending more time in nature. Even though I felt “enlightened” and peaceful after it,.....

"Trying" isn't "doing".....

 

Isn’t this something I can work out on my own?

 

No.Finding out what the problem is, doesn't fix it.

Realising the car won't move, because the camshaft is bust, doesn't repair the camshaft.

Now begins the dirty work...

 

Whatever a therapist tells me is something I can read out of a book? Tara knows I think highly of her, I wish that Buddhism would have all the answers to change my life around, but I still haven't found what I am looking for.

If it was that easy, don't you think there would be less stress, less anxiety, less heartbreak?

Took me a good 6 years....

 

Finding the map is one thing.

But you have to do the hard work, whether you read it in a book, or get guidance from someone else.

'Oh dear the camshaft's broken', won't effect the necessary repairs.

You have to roll your sleeves up, and follow the manual, nut by nut, bolt by bolt.

 

Thierro, you know all you need to know.

Except how to put one foot in front of the other.

The mountains await.

If you don't get help, all you have is an impressive landscape, but you're going to end up staying exactly where you are.

[denise_xo]

Thanks Denise, you are sweet.

 

It frustrates me that there isn’t a simple solution to it. It doesn’t even have to be simple as long as I know what to do to get to a good end result. I guess there’s only one way out. Denying and pretending won’t work nor does thinking and reading about it.

 

I hope it’s money well spend. It's too damn expensive.

 

Regarding the bold, I don't think you are alone there

 

I think the key is finding a therapist that you feel comfortable with. If one doesn't work out, don't be afraid to quit that one and try another.

 

Can you get any financial help either through a national health care system and/or insurance and/or special programmes?

[Thierro]

I’m afraid my healthcare only covers a small part. But I will get the help that I need. Thanks again. I thought I could do it alone, but I can’t.

 

Time to cross those mountains! I will see you guys at the other side where we will have a nice dinner and enjoy each others company.

 

Self-improvement is wonderful.