Monogamous Affair??

[Ducky23]

As you may know, I've recently gone NC with my MM and have been working to answer a million questions within myself, and am preparing for therapy. But this question has been bugging me and I honestly can't answer it. We were in an A. He and his W are still actively married, regardless of his feelings toward her/lack of sex/other issues. And I live with my sons dad, whom he always simply assumed I was sexually active with. But so many times he would tell me "x is cheating/why are you still talking to 'this' ex?/I don't want you being intimate with anyone else, no cuddling kissing or sex/I'm not comfortable with x action". He would tell me that he was okay with me having sex with my sons dad because he was there first and because he still had to, at times, have sex with his wife, but that bringing another man/woman into the equation would be enough for him to end the affair as I would be "cheating" and he would assume I had moved on to something bigger, better, whatever. Why?? What is the point? We absolutely treated it as an out and out R, not much hiding, ect. But it was still an AFFAIR! WTF is the difference?!

[skywriter]

We absolutely treated it as an out and out R, not much hiding, ect. But it was still an AFFAIR! WTF is the difference?!

 

 

 

 

 

The difference is, realistically, the words are just words without any accountability.....and this is just what I think when you ask this question.

 

He needs this evidently for his ego feed. The idea that you are saving yourself for him, and the control as well. I'm sure he feels that makes you feel he wants you or else why would he request this from him.

 

...and I'm not assuming he doesn't care ,but in his own manipulative way.

[woinlove]

I agree with skywriter that he probably asked that for his own selfish motivation. What makes me think that is he also asked you to have sex with his W to help his case in the event of a divorce. That was a level of selfishness that is difficult to fathom, so when he also asks you not to have sex with others while he remains married, it seems like just more of his selfishness. Affairs often have a lot of selfishness in them, but in his case, it seems rather extreme.

[Got it]

Speaking of my own situation, we were both married and yes we had a monogamous affair. We both had sex with our spouses one time after the affair started and then we both stopped. Since the lack of sex in our own marriages was one of the major issues not having sex with the spouses wasn't too difficult.

 

He remained married longer than I but did not have sex with his wife again (and less before the trite comments start I know this not from just him but communications from her). Once the affair started, the loyalty and priority became the AP and no longer the spouse.

 

He preferred that I didn't date others once I was single. I attested that while he was married he did not have the right to make that comment and I was free to date if I so choose. I did tell him I would let him know if I was though. I did not date though until after we broke up.

[Flabbergaster]

You were living with person A when you met him. You were presumably sleeping with person A.

Ego: he is so important to you that you sleep with him, even though you were involved with person A. So he doesn't see person A as a threat, because he already showed he can take you from this person. IF you do anything with person A...well you're just keeping up appearances.

 

Now if you were to find someone else to sleep with while you are in the A...that would be choosing someone over him. That means that he isn't important enough to you to be monogamous. Sexually or emotionally, it would be an insult.

[reboot]

No offense to anyone, but I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so? Really?

[frozensprouts]

No offense to anyone, but I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so? Really?

 

while sometimes it may be true, I think a lot of the time it's simply not the case.

after all, if one is trying to hide an affair from one's spouse, wouldn't the fact that there was so more sex be pretty big tip off 9 oh, i forgot the old line of " we never have sex anyway"...Pffftttt...

[skywriter]

Flabbergaster,You were living with person A when you met him. You were presumably sleeping with person A.

Ego: he is so important to you that you sleep with him, even though you were involved with person A. So he doesn't see person A as a threat, because he already showed he can take you from this person. IF you do anything with person A...well you're just keeping up appearances.

 

Now if you were to find someone else to sleep with while you are in the A...that would be choosing someone over him. That means that he isn't important enough to you to be monogamous. Sexually or emotionally, it would be an insult.

 

Oddly enough I relate to this from my own perspective.

 

I am single a woman, the exMM is obviously in a marital relationship.

 

I was accepting of him being married as much as one can be anyway....

I went along with that for uite a long time until I decided to open my eyes based on his behavior with other women.

 

I was willing to be his only OW, but realising that I was one of other, others, made me snap out of whatever I was in. LOL!

 

It all seemed so disgusting to me and I became one angry, bitter, b!tch.

[Spark1111]

Flabbergaster,You were living with person A when you met him. You were presumably sleeping with person A.

Ego: he is so important to you that you sleep with him, even though you were involved with person A. So he doesn't see person A as a threat, because he already showed he can take you from this person. IF you do anything with person A...well you're just keeping up appearances.

 

Now if you were to find someone else to sleep with while you are in the A...that would be choosing someone over him. That means that he isn't important enough to you to be monogamous. Sexually or emotionally, it would be an insult.

 

Oddly enough I relate to this from my own perspective.

 

I am single a woman, the exMM is obviously in a marital relationship.

 

I was accepting of him being married as much as one can be anyway....

I went along with that for uite a long time until I decided to open my eyes based on his behavior with other women.

 

I was willing to be his only OW, but realising that I was one of other, others, made me snap out of whatever I was in. LOL!

 

It all seemed so disgusting to me and I became one angry, bitter, b!tch.

 

As it should! Good for you!

[Silly_Girl]

No offense to anyone, but I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so? Really?

 

There were many factors that added up to my believing him. Some really personal and intimate that I'm not interested in sharing here. But I'm absolutely 100% convinced, especially after getting to know his siblings and parents and hearing from third parties about phases and problems the two of them had been through. I think they were both fools for flogging the horse long after the life support had been switched off. Really sad.

[Spark1111]

As you may know, I've recently gone NC with my MM and have been working to answer a million questions within myself, and am preparing for therapy. But this question has been bugging me and I honestly can't answer it. We were in an A. He and his W are still actively married, regardless of his feelings toward her/lack of sex/other issues. And I live with my sons dad, whom he always simply assumed I was sexually active with. But so many times he would tell me "x is cheating/why are you still talking to 'this' ex?/I don't want you being intimate with anyone else, no cuddling kissing or sex/I'm not comfortable with x action". He would tell me that he was okay with me having sex with my sons dad because he was there first and because he still had to, at times, have sex with his wife, but that bringing another man/woman into the equation would be enough for him to end the affair as I would be "cheating" and he would assume I had moved on to something bigger, better, whatever. Why?? What is the point? We absolutely treated it as an out and out R, not much hiding, ect. But it was still an AFFAIR! WTF is the difference?!

 

Well, I agree with others that it is about power and control and ego-feed.

An affair establishes that the partners at home are lacking and must be deceived.

 

That's rule number one.

 

Rule number two is that you love only me because my ego won't sustain my replacement, and I need you to feed only my ego whenever I want or need you to.

 

Rule number three is that we must pretend to almost never have sex with our SOs, but if we do, it is for appearances only to aid in the deception and it is NEVER enjoyable! (HA! I don't know about others, but I have never had an orgasm I didn't thoroughly enjoy!)

 

Rule number four: Because I now have you trained to never call my house at certain times, since we have to keep the affair secret, I really have carte blanche to flirt, text, or trawl the waters for other OW and action on the side under the guise of "have to be with the family today. Ugh!"

[reboot]

There were many factors that added up to my believing him. Some really personal and intimate that I'm not interested in sharing here. But I'm absolutely 100% convinced, especially after getting to know his siblings and parents and hearing from third parties about phases and problems the two of them had been through. I think they were both fools for flogging the horse long after the life support had been switched off. Really sad.

 

I'm not trying to say it isn't ever true; I'm sure sometimes it is. I'm saying it isn't always true, maybe even most of the time it isn't true, and even when it is, unless you're living under their bed, you can never know 100% that it is.

[SoMovinOn]

No offense to anyone, but I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so? Really?

 

I find it amusing that one would believe everything else they tell you, but then choose to pick this one point as suspect. How do you know they are married, because they told you? Do you ask for a copy of their marriage license? How do you know they aren't just living together? How do you know the whole marriage thing isn't made up and they're really still living at home with mom?

 

How do you know anything is true of anyone?

 

Given the number of spouses who complain of too little or no sex in their marriage (to the point where it's even regular material for comedians), I find it difficult to imagine how anyone believes any married couple is having sex with each other - even when there is no A involved.

 

Actually, it's not amusing, it's just a sad attempt at cherry picking "facts" to paint a desired picture. Married couples in marriage forums complain about sexless marriages all the time ... and that fact is conveniently ignored when a given poster so chooses.

[reboot]

How do you know anything is true of anyone?

 

Well that's my point. You don't.

[thomasb]

:laugh: I don't think monogamous and affair are two words that belong in the same sentence. Otherwise it wouldn't be an AFFAIR now would it!

[Spark1111]

I find it amusing that one would believe everything else they tell you, but then choose to pick this one point as suspect. How do you know they are married, because they told you? Do you ask for a copy of their marriage license? How do you know they aren't just living together? How do you know the whole marriage thing isn't made up and they're really still living at home with mom?

 

How do you know anything is true of anyone?

 

Given the number of spouses who complain of too little or no sex in their marriage (to the point where it's even regular material for comedians), I find it difficult to imagine how anyone believes any married couple is having sex with each other - even when there is no A involved.

 

Actually, it's not amusing, it's just a sad attempt at cherry picking "facts" to paint a desired picture. Married couples in marriage forums complain about sexless marriages all the time ... and that fact is conveniently ignored when a given poster so chooses.

 

Good point!

 

There are a lot of people complaining about the lack of sex in their marriage.

 

But then, there are many who do not.

 

I think when I sensed my H's emotional distancing as the EA began, I wanted to make him happy!

 

I had no idea why he suddenly seemed so unhappy, and I initiated more often.

 

I just want people to be aware that rare and few is the man who can resist a woman inititating in his bed.....

 

...no matter what he spins to his AP.

[Ducky23]

No offense to anyone, but I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so? Really?

 

In my case, we never really talked about whether or not we had sex with our SO's, it was just always something that was assumed and allowed. My AP rarely, if ever, talked about their sex-life. All of my information came from A) living with them part-time, and B) her using me as a "confidante". If he made her cry because she tried to initiate sex, she called me. When he told her she was nasty and he didn't want to ever have sex with her, she came to me. When they had sex, she told me. He was aware of our communication, as he knew I had become her 'closest' friend, and he never ever tried to lie or cover their sex life.

[reboot]

In my case, we never really talked about whether or not we had sex with our SO's, it was just always something that was assumed and allowed. My AP rarely, if ever, talked about their sex-life. All of my information came from A) living with them part-time, and B) her using me as a "confidante". If he made her cry because she tried to initiate sex, she called me. When he told her she was nasty and he didn't want to ever have sex with her, she came to me. When they had sex, she told me. He was aware of our communication, as he knew I had become her 'closest' friend, and he never ever tried to lie or cover their sex life.

 

Then your case is different from most. You were, figuratively speaking, living under their bed.

[Got it]

Well that's my point. You don't.

 

As I stated above I knew well enough. But I also knew that since they were married that it may happen and c'est la vie.

 

But there is no AP who says that sex in marriages NEVER happens. No one has said that. It doesn't happen in every case, it happens in some cases, etc.

 

I know many OP who have stated that the married couple still have sex and don't refute that.

 

It is pretty common, as SoMovingOn said, that lack of sex in a marriage is not terribly uncommon.

[SoMovinOn]

Well that's my point. You don't.

 

Then trust no one, nothing anyone says. Don't pick and choose.

[SoMovinOn]

I just want people to be aware that rare and few is the man who can resist a woman inititating in his bed.....

 

...no matter what he spins to his AP.

 

Really? I mean, actually, I would have agreed with you ... it just seems like pretty much all men are like that. ... but ... I don't have a study to support it, other than my own experience, I think the reality is, a LOT of men turn down women (their wives or otherwise), in his bed and elsewhere.

 

Guys are not the blind, humping dogs they are stereotypically made out to be.

 

I know I am not a typical example in many respects, but I can assure you, STBXW has done everything and everything, from begging to bribes ... and I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. ... and, among the guys I know, more are like that than not.

[whichwayisup]

But there is no AP who says that sex in marriages NEVER happens. No one has said that.

 

Hmm, there's a thread in general relationships, also on monogamy, and one poster is extremely adament that her MM does not ever have sex with his wife.

[Trimmer]

Then trust no one, nothing anyone says. Don't pick and choose.

Isn't that the whole point that people often try to get across to people involved with a married partner? They OM/OW chooses to believe the fantasy story spun by the MP, as long as it supports the affair.

 

But the fact is, the MP is already shown to be adept at spinning a web of lies, so shouldn't that give you pause at believing anything?

 

I think that's entirely consistent with what reboot said:

 

I always find it amusing when someone here says their AP stopped having sex with their spouse. How do you know this? Because they told you so?

That's not picking one narrow issue out of a bunch of other assumed-to-be-true facts. That's just an extension of saying "hey, you can't really count on any of it...", which matches what you are saying.

[Got it]

Hmm, there's a thread in general relationships, also on monogamy, and one poster is extremely adament that her MM does not ever have sex with his wife.

 

No, what I am saying is that no OP says that sex does not happen in marriages.

 

Each case is different and like I have stated and a few others we can speak to that. Whether or not you or others choose to believe is entirely up to you.

[Got it]

Really? I mean, actually, I would have agreed with you ... it just seems like pretty much all men are like that. ... but ... I don't have a study to support it, other than my own experience, I think the reality is, a LOT of men turn down women (their wives or otherwise), in his bed and elsewhere.

 

Guys are not the blind, humping dogs they are stereotypically made out to be.

 

I know I am not a typical example in many respects, but I can assure you, STBXW has done everything and everything, from begging to bribes ... and I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. ... and, among the guys I know, more are like that than not.

 

Thank you!

 

I get so tired of men being portrayed as these awful, brain dead, cretins that are only interested in sex and food. Yes there are some less evolved males out there but the majority are pretty smart, compassionate, and the ability to have more than three emotions in their emotional make up. They are not the devil reincarnate and males are not that different than females. We are all individuals, made up by our personal experiences and while gender does play a bit of a factor I do not believe it plays as big a factor as some portray.

 

And just as many married women cheat as men. Women are just much better at keeping it hidden I believe.