2 years since BU

[eggy]

WOW..just like that its will soon be 2 years since my BU. How do I feel? I am a lot better but am I over her? Maybe 80%. I still think of her every now and again and each time its all anger that I feel. I don't want to feel like this. I would like to just forget and forgive as if it all never happened. I don't want to be mad at her but I sure as hell don't want to be friends. I wonder if this residual feeling for her will ever go away. We don't talk anymore and never see each other so that helps. But next month I have to go to a good friend's wedding and I know she'll be there with her new man and i would be going stag. Just the thought of it sickens me to a point I've been considering not going. But I know that I can't disappoint my friend for he would not be happy. What to do?

[Fmrbrknhrt22]

That's always tough man. I'm in the same place emotionally you are, but I broke up with my gf about 4 months ago.

 

I would say just go man. Part of life is facing your fears. You never know who you might meet there. You're single and part of being single is taking advantage of social opportunities. Don't be afraid of anyone and don't let this girl stop you from being supportive of your friend. Of course at a social event she is going to put her best foot forward and make you think she is doing fantastic, but you have no idea how she is feeling. She could be happy and on a cloud or miserable and been fighting with her dude lately.

 

Protrude a sense of confidence and if you guys run into each other,make it brief and be cordial, but don't feel like you need to spend too much time around her. Have a few drinks, enjoy yourself, and mingle with other people.

[eggy]

I understand what I would need to do if I go. One reason why I do not want to go is I know from others that she wants to see me and want to be friends. But I have cut her off. New #, no facebook and blocked her from email. I don't even hang out with our mutual friends. I do not want to give her an iota of satisfaction to see me. If I do go I do not want to go stag. I wish I can find a supermodel-like date

[StarlaStardust]

I'm not a supermodel, but if you're in Colorado, I'll totally go with you! haha. Would take my mind off my recent break up.

[Follower]

Ohh take starla as your date, with a line like im not supermodel i bet you shes hot and good fun

Will wind your ex up no good, youll feel good not having any pressure or expectations and i betya youll make starla feel better to

[CopingGal]

I would not go if seeing her with another man is going to rip you up again. It's one thing to face your fears. It's another thing to willingly go into a situation that is going to rip you up. I would explain to my friend and not go. This isn't a funeral. Your friend isn't going to be in great need of support. This is a wedding, a happing event. Your friend can stand it if you are not there.

[J0N]

I know how you feel. I am fast approaching the two year mark myself. It is really hard to believe that this much time has passed since we broke up. At first I blocked her, her family and everybody else on FB, email, and everything else. I have since reduced it to only her [as for the others I was starting to think it was a little psychotic and I just didn't care anymore]. The other day, I was looking through old pics on my laptop and stumbled over one of us at my sisters wedding. It was sort of a weird feeling, normally seeing something like that would have made my heart stop. All I saw was a stranger.

 

Like you I have occasional thoughts and still wonder what it would have been like if we stayed together, but I can comfortably say that I am 80-90% over her. I haven't seen or heard from her in almost two years, and I know now that we live on opposite sides of the country. So the only way I could ever see her is in passing at an airport going home for a holiday [even that is pretty unlikely as we are from different states]. I actually prepared a little 'airport' speech if I ever did see her. I would be nice and friendly, but relatively emotionless and cold. I would want her to see that first and foremost I am truly over our relationship and say [without saying] that I really don't care what is going on in her life anymore, in a nice way. She was really rotten to me when she broke up with me, totally emotionless and cold. I still don't know how I managed to simply wish her the best the day after our split and never contact her again. I figured I guess that this would be the best revenge. Even to this day I still don't see any reason to even be facebook friends with her. I really have nothing to gain from doing so.

 

As for your wedding, I would just go and try to put on a strong face, but only if you think you can stomach it. If you go and are upset you will look really weak in her eyes. I can tell you that by now she probably does not have much sympathy anymore. Sorry if this wasn't all that helpful, but you are not alone in still having some feelings after two years. If it was me I would probably skip the wedding unless it was a really close friend/family member. Why risk it?

[eggy]

Thanks Starla..I wish it was in CO I would ask you to come with. I know that I can pretend like I don't care but I'm afraid that I may not be able to stomach it inside. But the thought of giving her the satisfaction of seeing me is what kills me. I've been planning how to go about this since March. My plan was to look good, dress nice, and was hoping to have a hot date. Still nothing...I think imma just put on my big boy pants and just go and just ignore her. Not even giving her a micro-second glance.

[spinstercakes]

I think you should not miss your friend’s wedding just because your ex will be there. And remember, you still have some time to find a date if you like! Ask someone you will have a good time with, that way you will be distracted. Even if it is a male friend, you will have someone to pay attention to other than her.

 

I know that it will be difficult to see her with another person, especially if it will be your first time seeing her in a long time. But it will only be for one day, and really just for a few hours. You can always skip the reception if seeing her at the ceremony proves too difficult to handle. Don't forget to congratulate the bride and groom though; the day is supposed to be about them.

 

I have found that when I write things down that I am upset about, it takes away a little bit of their power. Seeing it on paper, in black and white, often shows me I am overthinking things and stressing myself out unnecessarily. Usually things are nowhere near as terrible as I imagine they will be! Writing things down also helps me to see how far I have come from where I used to be, maybe it could help you as well.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Edited June 28, 2012 by spinstercakes

[Exit]

I agree with CopingGal. You've put a lot of effort into removing her from your life completely, you're one of the few people on these forums who actually makes an effort like getting a new number and stopping other forms of contact (other people constantly want to play victim when their ex contacts them and then they admit that their ex still knows their phone number, is their friend on FB, etc). You're risking all of that effort just to attend this wedding. Seeing as you're 2 years along and estimating yourself to only be at 80%, this has been a very difficult process for you. If this was someone you got over in 3 months and didn't care anymore it would be different. I'm all for facing your fears and not letting other people get in the way of enjoying life, but it depends on the context. Facing fears is about getting a benefit out of something. The only benefit here is that you won't have to tell your friend you aren't coming. The potential negatives are pretty large. People are busy at a wedding. They'd probably get a total of 2 minutes interaction with you. Other than that, you'd be attending just for the sake of them to glace over and notice that you're there.

 

Ultimately the call is yours. If I found myself in your situation I would likely not attend.

[Sugarkane]

If you lived in Melbourne I would also go as your date. Just because I have been through the same BU. I also want to go to a music meetup so bad. But I'm never sure if I can handle seeing the ex jerk and whoever he is currently using. I think that would require a couple of drinks.

[eggy]

I would love to be in Melbourne! Think I'm going to play this by ear. Wish I can take you both;)

[StarlaStardust]

I would love to be in Melbourne! Think I'm going to play this by ear. Wish I can take you both;)

 

Haha, you could put each of us on an arm, and your ex's head would just explode. She wouldn't even know WHERE to begin with jealousy. And her new boyfriend would wonder how he could be a pimp like you .

[eggy]

Haha, you could put each of us on an arm, and your ex's head would just explode. She wouldn't even know WHERE to begin with jealousy. And her new boyfriend would wonder how he could be a pimp like you .

 

That would be unbelievably awesome!

[fucpcg]

That's always tough man. I'm in the same place emotionally you are, but I broke up with my gf about 4 months ago.

 

I would say just go man. Part of life is facing your fears. You never know who you might meet there. You're single and part of being single is taking advantage of social opportunities. Don't be afraid of anyone and don't let this girl stop you from being supportive of your friend. Of course at a social event she is going to put her best foot forward and make you think she is doing fantastic, but you have no idea how she is feeling. She could be happy and on a cloud or miserable and been fighting with her dude lately.

 

Protrude a sense of confidence and if you guys run into each other,make it brief and be cordial, but don't feel like you need to spend too much time around her. Have a few drinks, enjoy yourself, and mingle with other people.

 

/\ Nailed it if you ask me.

 

One other thought, my ex of 15 months ago is seen with numerous guys all over the place. On the handful of times she has seen me out, I am never with a new girl, just a handful of my closest friends and girlfriends. And she knows them, knows who they are. I don't know what your ex has been up to, but I know mine is thru a series of empty, pointless, meaningless men. She claimed to have left me because I don't deserve her, yet every man she has been with since me is a fling and/or a guy with a reputation of mud. If I were to see her at a wedding this weekend, and I was alone and she was with somebody, I would have my dignity, and deep down she will know that she is strapped to the arm of a man who isn't half the man I was to her when we were dating.

 

If there is any shallowness to your ex, and you were a good boyfriend/man to her, and she is with a new man who isn't you (meaning what you were to her, the depth of relationship you tried to share with her), deep down she will be the one feeling weakness. While my ex is with the flavor of the month, and needs a man around always, I've spent the past 15 months recovering, then searching for a woman who seeks a proper relationship. Until I find that woman, everyone will continue to see me show up at gathering single. And my friends know EXACTLY why I show up single, which is I don't date around.

 

Go in with your dignity, you have every reason to have it if you've been single because you seek a better relationship then what you had with her. Whether or not she has hers at the reception, only you will know. But if you look at it honestly and objectively like I just pointed out, you'll be able to see for yourself.

[Sugarkane]

I think I would want so bad for the ex to see me with someone else. I wanted that to happen more than anything. But it never did. After being treated like garbage and dumped by text after a year. And my ex always had a superiority complex, thinking he was better than me. If I still had The slightest chance I would do it. Especially these exes who even contact years, decades later and just expect we waited years, decades for them.

[eggy]

/\ Nailed it if you ask me.

 

One other thought, my ex of 15 months ago is seen with numerous guys all over the place. On the handful of times she has seen me out, I am never with a new girl, just a handful of my closest friends and girlfriends. And she knows them, knows who they are. I don't know what your ex has been up to, but I know mine is thru a series of empty, pointless, meaningless men. She claimed to have left me because I don't deserve her, yet every man she has been with since me is a fling and/or a guy with a reputation of mud. If I were to see her at a wedding this weekend, and I was alone and she was with somebody, I would have my dignity, and deep down she will know that she is strapped to the arm of a man who isn't half the man I was to her when we were dating.

 

If there is any shallowness to your ex, and you were a good boyfriend/man to her, and she is with a new man who isn't you (meaning what you were to her, the depth of relationship you tried to share with her), deep down she will be the one feeling weakness. While my ex is with the flavor of the month, and needs a man around always, I've spent the past 15 months recovering, then searching for a woman who seeks a proper relationship. Until I find that woman, everyone will continue to see me show up at gathering single. And my friends know EXACTLY why I show up single, which is I don't date around.

 

Go in with your dignity, you have every reason to have it if you've been single because you seek a better relationship then what you had with her. Whether or not she has hers at the reception, only you will know. But if you look at it honestly and objectively like I just pointed out, you'll be able to see for yourself.

 

I think you're right...If I showed up single and be happy as one can be, I think that too would sting her. One thing for sure is she would not be acknowledged...not even for an iota of a second.

[Ajax]

Congratulations, eggy, on making it to the two year mark as well as you have. I'm also coming up on two years since my breakup in August. It was the hardest relationship to get past, and like you I still think of her more than I'd like.

 

Last October I was in my friend's wedding, who is her cousin. She was with her new guy and I was with a good friend of mine. I'll admit that it was hard seeing her with someone else, but I pushed through it. We didn't talk. In fact she never looked me in the face or acknowledged my presence in any way. That also hurt, but it was the way she chose to handle the situation.

 

I wouldn't advise avoiding the wedding. You'd probably regret not being there for your friend in the end. I know you're hesitant to go stag, but I think doing so would make the bold statement that you're fine being alone. Going with a friend is also an option that worked well for me.

 

As for the prospect of her talking to you, I guess if you don't want her in your life then what she thinks of you doesn't matter. You can Acknowledge her and politely excuse yourself. After all, you have places to be.

[karissa73]

/\ Nailed it if you ask me.

 

 

If there is any shallowness to your ex, and you were a good boyfriend/man to her, and she is with a new man who isn't you (meaning what you were to her, the depth of relationship you tried to share with her), deep down she will be the one feeling weakness. While my ex is with the flavor of the month, and needs a man around always, I've spent the past 15 months recovering, then searching for a woman who seeks a proper relationship. Until I find that woman, everyone will continue to see me show up at gathering single. And my friends know EXACTLY why I show up single, which is I don't date around.

 

 

Your post really opened my eyes, thank you. My ex dumped me after 1.5 years together and he moved on to someone else a week later. I recently discovered he has been seeing her since March. One of the comments he made to me was, "Are you afraid to leave me because you just need a man around?" I was floored, after having spent two years repairing my heart and wanting to enter into a relationship with a clean slate, his words really shocked me, because I really am not the type of woman who "just needs a man around". Needless to say, everytime we had issues or took time apart, he was always with someone while I was busy trying to get my head together. So, I've spent the past month trying to get over that first phase of grief/shock and now I'm beginning to just ponder my life with him. I was so confused as to how he can be with whomever, while I can't even begin to fathom wanting to be with anyone right now. I used to think it was because I loved him more but that is irrelevant now. Your words spoke to me, it's because I have dignity and integrity and I refuse to be like him...I am selective about who I am with, and well....he was just a mistake. Eventually I will accept that fully