Have been given an ultimatum- commit 100% or leave

[confusion_galore]

Hi,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

My SO and me are both in our late 20s. We have been together for 5 years, living together for 4 years. Late last year we broke up and have been living apart since then. However we got back together about 3 months ago.

 

I was the one that initially broke up with him, and the main reason was due to his negativity and immaturity. He saw the break up as an important life-changing point, and in the last half year he has worked hard to improve his outlook on life ~ not for me but for himself. I think this is great for his own sake.

 

We got back together and both promised to work on the relationship, which we have. However I have been dilly-dallying I am afraid. Earlier in the week he mentioned he wanted to move back together but I said I was not ready. Yesterday he said he wanted me to either commit (move in, marry, have kids etc) or just let him go free because he hates being in limbo. I totally understand and think it is unfair to keep him in limbo. It is not good for either our mental states.

 

I have been driving myself crazy these last couple of days trying to really think whether I am ready to commit or not. I feel like I am about to jump off a cliff. I could land somewhere really soft and have a great happy life with him, or might crash and die. Sorry that sounds very dramatic.

 

 

Basically I am really confused because I still don't know if he is right for me in terms of compatibility. I feel like I should know after 5 years together. Should it be this hard to decide?

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Are there any useful 'thought exercises' that can help people make commitment decisions? I guess I am just looking for tips or advice about how to make a decision. Once I make a decision I am going to be 100% loyal to it. I just want this mental torture to end

[confusion_galore]

Thanks for your reply. Just to give a bit more background during our break we both had short relationships with other people. However this is nothing to do with any other people.

My commitment issue and doubts about the relationship have been present for a looong time before this. I think he would have liked to have gotten married years ago.

My problem remains however. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him but I still have worries about our personality incompatibility

[denise_xo]

If you don't feel ready to commit to him after five years, I think you should let him go. Your doubts either reflect that you are not interested in a fully committed relationship at this time (which is a fair choice), or that this is not the right person for you.

[Got it]

I agree with the counseling idea. I think that will help you guys work through your issues and see if you can improve your communication and conflict resolution skills to see if you are compatible. Even if it isn't successful you both will know you did everything you could to make the relationship work and can walk away with out feeling "if only . . . ".

[BetheButterfly]

Hi,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

My SO and me are both in our late 20s. We have been together for 5 years, living together for 4 years. Late last year we broke up and have been living apart since then. However we got back together about 3 months ago.

 

I was the one that initially broke up with him, and the main reason was due to his negativity and immaturity. He saw the break up as an important life-changing point, and in the last half year he has worked hard to improve his outlook on life ~ not for me but for himself. I think this is great for his own sake.

 

We got back together and both promised to work on the relationship, which we have. However I have been dilly-dallying I am afraid. Earlier in the week he mentioned he wanted to move back together but I said I was not ready. Yesterday he said he wanted me to either commit (move in, marry, have kids etc) or just let him go free because he hates being in limbo. I totally understand and think it is unfair to keep him in limbo. It is not good for either our mental states.

 

I have been driving myself crazy these last couple of days trying to really think whether I am ready to commit or not. I feel like I am about to jump off a cliff. I could land somewhere really soft and have a great happy life with him, or might crash and die. Sorry that sounds very dramatic.

 

 

Basically I am really confused because I still don't know if he is right for me in terms of compatibility. I feel like I should know after 5 years together. Should it be this hard to decide?

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Are there any useful 'thought exercises' that can help people make commitment decisions? I guess I am just looking for tips or advice about how to make a decision. Once I make a decision I am going to be 100% loyal to it. I just want this mental torture to end

 

I am sorry, but living in a state of fear and insecurity right now before getting married is not a good way to get married. Marriage is a lot of work, even for couples who have perfect peace before getting married. It involves caring for the other person more than for oneself. If you do not trust him to care for you more than for himself, then that's shaky ground right there.

 

It is wonderful that he is working on himself! That's great! However, I would be very hesitant about trying to trust someone who for some reason, you do not trust. I would suggest breaking up, because I personally do not feel like insecurity is a great place to decide to promise to love one another and all that marriage entails.

 

Another option is, as other posters have said, counseling. I think that's a great idea.

[maybealone]

You lived with his negativity and immaturity for four years and have been around the changed man for three months -- I really don't blame you for not being ready! I have a hard time trusting that changes are permanent, and maybe on some level you are feeling like that too.

 

From his perspective, he has been working on himself for a year and probably feels like he deserves this second chance. But from your perspective, you have only really seen the changed man for three months. No one would expect you to move in with someone after only knowing him for three months! I realize you know him better than that, but really, you are being asked to commit to the "new" him that has only been around three months.

 

Limbo is an awful place to be. If it wasn't, I'd suggest you ask for a few more months before moving in together. You still could try for more time, but really, living together might help you see whether or not those changes he made have the potential to be permanent.

 

Sorry I don't have any great advice, I just wanted to say that I can see where you are coming from. I guess I do think that moving in now is too soon (though I respect his desire to get out of limbo). I think counseling is a great idea as well.

Edited June 27, 2012 by maybealone

[confusion_galore]

Thanks, and thanks to everyone else for too for the suggestions.

 

It seems like counselling might be a good idea. We have discussed it in the past and I think he would definitely be willing to go along.

 

Last month I tried individual therapy to help me come to a decision, but the whole exercise was a complete flop. The psychologist asked me to talk about what my main concerns were (I mentioned the negativity etc). Initially she said she would like to talk to him too to hear his side of the story which I thought would be very fair. After all I know I can be very sensitive to negativity, so maybe all along my partner was normal and I was the too sensitive one. Anyhow after the second session with her I asked if she would still like to meet my partner, and she said that now she had changed her mind because after everything I had told her she had a negative opinion towards him and would be biased against him. I thought that was a bit bizarre for a therapist to say? I haven't been back to her since.

 

I guess on the one hand I am excited to try counselling, but on the other hand I am kind of burned by the previous experience of counselling (although that was just individual and not couple) and I am scared to drag out the period of limbo. But it is probably worth a go.

[Krytie TV]

Your inability to decide is a decision, you just don't see it. If you can't look him in the eye and say "Yes", and he wants to know where you stand right now, the honorable thing to do would be to let him go. We both know that the honorable action is often the hardest though.

[denise_xo]

Thanks, and thanks to everyone else for too for the suggestions.

 

It seems like counselling might be a good idea. We have discussed it in the past and I think he would definitely be willing to go along.

 

Last month I tried individual therapy to help me come to a decision, but the whole exercise was a complete flop. The psychologist asked me to talk about what my main concerns were (I mentioned the negativity etc). Initially she said she would like to talk to him too to hear his side of the story which I thought would be very fair. After all I know I can be very sensitive to negativity, so maybe all along my partner was normal and I was the too sensitive one. Anyhow after the second session with her I asked if she would still like to meet my partner, and she said that now she had changed her mind because after everything I had told her she had a negative opinion towards him and would be biased against him. I thought that was a bit bizarre for a therapist to say? I haven't been back to her since.

 

I guess on the one hand I am excited to try counselling, but on the other hand I am kind of burned by the previous experience of counselling (although that was just individual and not couple) and I am scared to drag out the period of limbo. But it is probably worth a go.

 

She doesn't sound very professional. I'm sure you can find someone better. Don't let one bad experience put you off something that could potentially be quite useful. If you go together, find a therapist that specializes in marital counseling, and preferably someone who comes recommended by someone you trust.

[Got it]

Therapists have different approaches and you are not going to mesh well with everyone. Look at it like dating, you need to vet a few before you commit. She is not a match for you but that doesn't mean there aren't other therapist that won't be. I would do CC and together you guys vet some therapists to see what you would like.

 

If you do a google search you can find help in asking questions in your initial meetings to get a better understanding of the therapist, their approach, etc.

 

Good luck!

[stillafool]

Hi,

 

 

I have been driving myself crazy these last couple of days trying to really think whether I am ready to commit or not. I feel like I am about to jump off a cliff. I could land somewhere really soft and have a great happy life with him, or might crash and die. Sorry that sounds very dramatic.

 

 

 

If you feel this way you are not ready to settle down. Let him go. If you were ready to get married you wouldn't question these things. It's okay, just let him go.