Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 I absolutely haven't missed the boat, which is why I said - "Of course it wares off and there are many other aspects of a relationship that determine its longevity, but without chemistry, I am usually without interest." Chemistry is no foundation for a relationship, but for me it = attraction. Whether that's healthy or not, without that initial attraction, it's a friendship. I take full ownership of my actions in this situation, I have not once said otherwise. I responded to him initially, I chose to continue when I found out he was getting married, I chose to then meet up with him, and I still haven't managed to finish it. I will get hurt because of this - I realise that it takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 I absolutely haven't missed the boat, which is why I said - "Of course it wares off and there are many other aspects of a relationship that determine its longevity, but without chemistry, I am usually without interest." Chemistry is no foundation for a relationship, but for me it = attraction. Whether that's healthy or not, without that initial attraction, it's a friendship. I take full ownership of my actions in this situation, I have not once said otherwise. I responded to him initially, I chose to continue when I found out he was getting married, I chose to then meet up with him, and I still haven't managed to finish it. I will get hurt because of this - I realise that it takes two to tango. On many of these points I disagree... Based on my own experience. And I'm old enough to have some history. When I have CHEMISTRY = it helpsMEmake terrible choices based on FEELINGS. Logic never enters the equation when I have chemistry witha man. Harming myself and/or others doesn't occur to me. I just don't care because of my FEELINGS! It helps ME overlook any bad qualities in a man! And FRIENDSHIP IS one of the highest qualities for any R to LAST! If he's not my friend and looking out for MY best interest - what's the point to being with that man? Lom Ngevity? Mine is based on honesty and respect. If its not in the equation - I have nothing... Just two people using each other to flex that important muscle! No basis for anything long lasting. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 So when/if do you plan to end it? Most women get more attached the more they have sex, I suppose you are aware of that. BTW....I'm not saying that chemistry/attraction is not essential for a romantic relationship, it is. That was not my point. At the risk of being redundant because you aren't getting my point, when chemistry alone is off the charts and there are all the other factors you speak of telling you this is not going to end well, then something is wrong with your chemistry meter. Get it? LadyGrey has it right. Chemistry Meter Index Hot guy- engaged to be married. Hot guy- cheater 2 months later Hot guy- now married Hot guy- still cheating 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 You have chemistry with a man that has no moral compass. Your choices define WHO you are and what kind of person you become! Choose wisely - or BETTER than this dude... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) He is definitely engaged and does not have children - our friends have also kept in touch and so yes, I have seen evidence of this. Okay, so your friends (who apparently didn't know him from a hole in the wall either) keep in touch . . . and you call this "evidence?" Are you friends with him on Facebook so you can verify? Or did he claim he doesn't have a profile on fb? Edited June 28, 2012 by Alice2012 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 OP, if nothing else, imagine it was your fiance and you were planning a wedding, shopping for a dress and your fiance is across town banging some other chick. How would you feel? Remember life is like a wheel, what goes around comes back around. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) So whilst I am 100% responsible for my actions and choices, I didn't go after this guy or this situation. The connection between us had kicked in before I found out. I hope that makes a bit more sense. But yes, I did have time to walk away. Uh, yes you did. Stop deflecting. You did go after this guy and this situation. You knew he was engaged but you didn't care. I'm sorry but you're still in denial here, not taking responsibility for your poor boundaries. And forgive me for sounding harsh but your bit about the connection between you kicking in before you found out he was engaged is a very lame excuse to justify your poor choice of getting involved with an engaged man. An intelligent person does not proceed forward with their feelings once they find out the person they are attracted to is otherwise already taken. You had time to walk away from him but you didn't. And when other posters including myself point this out to you, you shrug it off as a sexual connection taking control of your senses, which we all know is just an excuse. And you state that you know you should end it but you still haven't done that, otherwise why post here? What are you really looking for here in this thread? Validation for hooking up with someone you knew you shouldn't have because the sexual chemistry was too good? Help to end things with him? What you did was get involved with a man you shouldn't have. And you admit that you knew better but he was so hot that you didn't care and proceeded forward anyway. That's exactly the same attitude the woman named Reille Hunter had as she is the one who approached Senator John Edward in a hotel lobby and whispered in his ear "I think you're hot." She knew he was married already but she didn't care. She pursued him just as you pursued this engaged guy. If you are going to run after men with no moral compass as this guy clearly lacks one, you have to be willing to look at the fact that you also lack a moral compass because you knew he was engaged but didn't care and slept with him anyway. What's the problem here? You either end it or you hang on, and become the OW with a guy who will probably do the same thing to you that he's done to his fiance. How can you live with yourself, knowing what you did to this guy's fiance? By sleeping with him, you betrayed her in a way. Have you thought of that at all? You have no respect for yourself or for this guy's fiance. And you refuse to acknowledge that you did pursue this guy and the situation. Like I said, denial isn't just a river... Edited June 28, 2012 by writergal 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) I will get hurt because of this - I realise that it takes two to tango. I think you continue on this self-destructive, desperate path because you actually believe this guy may call off his wedding. Edited June 28, 2012 by Alice2012 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 And, I have to ask why do women do this type of thing to each other? Women expect men to respect them but yet they don't respect one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 I think you continue on this self-destructive, desperate path because you actually believe this guy may call off his wedding. I hope he does call off the wedding. His Fiancé doesn't know she's marrying a creep, I hope she finds out and kicks his ass to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 I’m a nice person, I’m intelligent, I certainly don’t look to be situations like this…..but in my 27 years I can confidently say that this kind of attraction and chemistry is rare. VERY rare. Your view of yourself does not jive with your actions in this situation. Feeding your attraction to another woman's fiance is not nice. Allowing emotion & sexual attraction to override logic is not intelligent. Is chemistry rare & special enough for your to disregard the values that you have lived by for 27 years? A person with strong character stays true to their values regardless of the circumstances. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Your view of yourself does not jive with your actions in this situation. Feeding your attraction to another woman's fiance is not nice. Allowing emotion & sexual attraction to override logic is not intelligent. Is chemistry rare & special enough for your to disregard the values that you have lived by for 27 years? A person with strong character stays true to their values regardless of the circumstances. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
goodthingscome Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 "Taking me out of the equation, I don’t think he should be getting married. I’m not sure of his true feelings for her, but he certainly cannot have that much respect for her. But once I am out of the picture, that’s for him to figure out…although I can’t ever imagine him giving up his ‘comfortable’ lifestyle and security. If he did though, I agree that he’d need time on his own and to not jump from one relationship to the next, as so many people do." My dear, he not only has no respect for his fiance, he has no respect for YOU or himself! YOU allowed this to happen by being available. period, end of story. I hope he doesn't get married either but not for the same reasons as you. She deserves a faithful man, an honorable man and he FAILED, as did you. I honestly don't get what response you are looking for with your posts. What do you want us to say? Okay! Go for it? I say do your best, if he is really that into you he will forego all the "comforts and security" for you, his schmoopie.... But what usually happens in cases like this is a man smells an easy target,taps it and goes on his merry way. Then the sidepiece sits back and vilifies him never seeing that SHE had all the power, and gave it away so cheaply. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 Thanks for all of your comments; I appreciate the varied and honest advice you have all given – which was my main reason for posting here in the first place. I suppose I was curious to discover people’s different opinions and ways of looking at this whole thing; and I couldn’t have hoped for a better response I haven’t missed any of your points about it not ending well (for many obvious reasons) – it actually may be my point that has been missed, as I never questioned whether it would end well. I have always known that it would absolutely not - as I stated at the beginning. I have known how wrong and horrendous this situation is right from the start – and yes I do care, but yes I also decided to fulfil my own needs instead of walking away. Whilst it is a devastating thing to be happening to his fiancée, my priority is my own emotional well-being, which is why I know this can’t carry on. He is away at the moment, when he gets back next week I will end it. Of course I am aware of all of my wrong-doings and am not in any kind of denial. Nor have I ever thought he’d call off his wedding. Or even hoped he’d call it off (to be with me) – because like I said before, apart from the fact we may not be able to make a relationship work at all, I realise that history is likely to repeat itself. And to state the obvious - it is an awful way to begin a relationship, which goes without saying. Alice2012 - I did not post on here because I am unsure of his situation – I didn’t actually state the kind of evidence I have seen (purposely), but I am 100% sure and have no doubts whatsoever that he is engaged to be married very soon. No, my actions absolutely do not jive with the kind of person I am in every day life – I’m genuinely not a nasty, manipulative or naive person. But nor am I perfect and as you are aware, I do make mistakes. I guess that’s the whole reason I am seeking advice…. If I was doing this kind of thing all the time without a care in the world, I’d be off getting on with it and not stopping to consider my actions. Yes, I am intelligent…and if you knew me on a personal level you would never imagine that I would be involved in a situation like this. Believe it or not, I am an extremely genuine, honest and decent person. But, I appreciate that you obviously don’t know me personally, and that is why I have tried to highlight the good qualities I do have – not in an attempt to cover up or make excuses for my actions. I think it is a stereotype and a complete misconception that any woman involved in a situation like this is stupid, an easy target, a bad person or has very little self-respect. That is a rather naive view. And I know this because none of those factors are true of myself. My reasons for this post may seem pointless to many of you, but your responses have definitely helped me. Although the rights and wrongs are glaringly obvious, it is still a very confusing situation to be in when it’s your own emotions that are involved. So thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 so you know he is engaged and you are okay with that. yet, you two are "constantly texting". Do either of you have jobs? or is the 'constantly texting' thing an exaggeration? Hi hockey fan....no, I'm not ok with it. Yes, we both have full-time, professional jobs and I wasn't exaggerating in the slightest. If anything, he usually replies much quicker than me....I have no idea how he 'gets away' with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Go ahead and do it. He would cheat with somebody else if you weren't available and people usually have to learn the hard way why going down this road is not a good idea. People the OP feels amazing chemistry with this guy and there is nothing anybody can say that will convince her otherwise. She is like a crackhead in a room full of crack right now. My only advice is remember that when this blows up in your face and causes a bunch of drama that you chose this freely and willingly jumped into it but otherwise go and have fun. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Thanks for all of your comments; I appreciate the varied and honest advice you have all given – which was my main reason for posting here in the first place. I suppose I was curious to discover people’s different opinions and ways of looking at this whole thing; and I couldn’t have hoped for a better response I haven’t missed any of your points about it not ending well (for many obvious reasons) – it actually may be my point that has been missed, as I never questioned whether it would end well. I have always known that it would absolutely not - as I stated at the beginning. I have known how wrong and horrendous this situation is right from the start – and yes I do care, but yes I also decided to fulfil my own needs instead of walking away. Whilst it is a devastating thing to be happening to his fiancée, my priority is my own emotional well-being, which is why I know this can’t carry on. He is away at the moment, when he gets back next week I will end it. Of course I am aware of all of my wrong-doings and am not in any kind of denial. Nor have I ever thought he’d call off his wedding. Or even hoped he’d call it off (to be with me) – because like I said before, apart from the fact we may not be able to make a relationship work at all, I realise that history is likely to repeat itself. And to state the obvious - it is an awful way to begin a relationship, which goes without saying. Alice2012 - I did not post on here because I am unsure of his situation – I didn’t actually state the kind of evidence I have seen (purposely), but I am 100% sure and have no doubts whatsoever that he is engaged to be married very soon. No, my actions absolutely do not jive with the kind of person I am in every day life – I’m genuinely not a nasty, manipulative or naive person. But nor am I perfect and as you are aware, I do make mistakes. I guess that’s the whole reason I am seeking advice…. If I was doing this kind of thing all the time without a care in the world, I’d be off getting on with it and not stopping to consider my actions. Yes, I am intelligent…and if you knew me on a personal level you would never imagine that I would be involved in a situation like this. Believe it or not, I am an extremely genuine, honest and decent person. But, I appreciate that you obviously don’t know me personally, and that is why I have tried to highlight the good qualities I do have – not in an attempt to cover up or make excuses for my actions. I think it is a stereotype and a complete misconception that any woman involved in a situation like this is stupid, an easy target, a bad person or has very little self-respect. That is a rather naive view. And I know this because none of those factors are true of myself. My reasons for this post may seem pointless to many of you, but your responses have definitely helped me. Although the rights and wrongs are glaringly obvious, it is still a very confusing situation to be in when it’s your own emotions that are involved. So thank you. Justifications, rationalizations, delusions . . . the fog is so thick. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 anybody can say that will convince her otherwise. She is like a crackhead in a room full of crack right now. My only advice is remember that when this blows up in your face and causes a bunch of drama that you chose this freely and willingly jumped into it but otherwise go and have fun. Have you even read my posts properly? Clearly not. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Have you even read my posts properly? Clearly not. Yes I have. You know exactly what you are getting into but still want it so knock yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 Justifications, rationalizations, delusions . . . the fog is so thick. Good luck to you. I think if I was intending to continue seeing this guy then maybe you would be justified in saying the fog is so thick.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 Yes I have. You know exactly what you are getting into but still want it so knock yourself out. Still want it? I'm ending it, so not so... Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 I think if I was intending to continue seeing this guy then maybe you would be justified in saying the fog is so thick.... You sound very gullible and easily manipulated . . . he will likely have no problem keeping you in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Still want it? I'm ending it, so not so... I say go for it. You obviously have chemistry with him and you will get be able to get it out of your head plus everybody has to learn the hard way about these kinds of relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 That's why I wished you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 You sound very gullible and easily manipulated . . . he will likely have no problem keeping you in it. Actually, the complete opposite. What a bad judge of character you are... Many thanks for the luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts