Fallen for an engaged guy :-(

[writergal]

Emily_m why do you have to wait until this guy returns from his trip to put an end to this dalliance? Just call him up or send and text to let him know that it's over.

 

It's just that simple. You slept with him once or twice or whatever, and spent about 3 weeks texting and emailing? So you had a nice fling with an engaged guy who has no respect for you, his fiance, or himself. And you don't respect the fiance or yourself. You've stated you want to end it, so just do it already.

 

What could you possibly say to him in person that he doesn't already know? He's betrayed his fiance and if he goes through with his wedding that's his business, not yours. You're not his girlfriend, just a woman he had a pre-wedding fling with.

 

Look you aren't sorry you did this. You've admitted that here. You said you're only concerned with your needs which you have fulfilled now, you helped a man betray his fiance without caring about the consequences, of destroying a marriage about to happen. Clearly you have no moral compass or guilty conscience. If you did care you would have ended it already, not posted here, and moved on with your life.

 

I have no idea why you bothered to post here unless you're doing research for a steamy romance novel like the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, akin to "50 Shades of Red: Dumb Things Single Women Do For Sex."

Edited June 29, 2012 by writergal

[Alice2012]

What a bad judge of character you are...

 

 

I don't think so. Your story is not unique - it's been told here MANY times. Most of us here can predict the outcome.

 

You came here thinking people were going to tell you this guy doesn't want to get married or that he shouldn't get married or doesn't love his fiancé . . . because he loves you.

 

That's what you've convinced yourself . . . and that's what you want to hear.

 

Based on the ones who have come to LS before you with an identical story, I would be shocked if this affair ended.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[writergal]

LOL your posts in this thread, particularly this one cracks me up. I imagined the character Scarlett O'Hara from the novel/movie Gone With the Wind, who refuses to deal with her broken marriage to Rhet and the death of her daughter...

 

She is 27 years old and has no relationship of her own. She feels over the hill/biological clock ticking. She has probably been riding the c&ck carousel for a good 10 - 12 years already. She is trying to pretend as if she has never done anything like this before...does anyone really believe that? Maybe she has never cheated with someone before, but does anyone doubt she has had her fair share of ONS, flings, FWBs, and f-buddies, and broken relationships in her sexual past?

 

She questions her own desirability despite her bravado...she is desperate to prove her womanhood and the perfect way to do that is to nab an engaged man....some other woman's man....the forbidden fruit. If she can get an engaged man into bed with her, doesn't this prove that she is a better, more desirable woman than the fiancee?

 

Let's face it...in addition to cheating with this guy, she doesn't have anyone of her own. She's 27. She's intelligent, beautiful, kind, yada yada....but she doesn't have a man of her own. If she's so perfect, why doesn't she have her own fiancee?

 

It's just not fair, is it, OP? You really showed them. You showed them all.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it is a stereotype and a complete misconception that any woman involved in a situation like this is stupid, an easy target, a bad person or has very little self-respect. That is a rather naive view. And I know this because none of those factors are true of myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alice2012

You sound very gullible and easily manipulated . . . he will likely have no problem keeping you in it.

 

Actually, the complete opposite. What a bad judge of character you are...

You did not make good choices for yourself.

 

Emotionally healthy and grounded women would see a married or engaged man as off limits, the same way they would see an addict, a felon, a registered sex offender or a sister's husband as off limits. Regardless of chemistry. Most self respecting women would not even go there. You did.

 

Men who cheat do not target confident, self respecting women because they know they'd get laughed at and rejected. They pick women that they feel will be easy to groom. They pick ones that will respond so well to his flattery and conversation, that they'll feel chemistry and minimize the most important fact- he is engaged. They pick ones that will be sympathetic to his plight and make excuses for him.

 

A man pursued you and you responded. You romanticize it as that you two were mutual friends and it "just happened". You can't see that you were targeted. Here is man looking for some strange before he gets locked down, and you think it's "chemistry".

 

In order to be smart in your relationships, you should be more discerning and skeptical. You should not allow emotions and sexual attraction to cloud your logic, because manipulative men count on this. Feeling chemistry and connection with someone does not mean you must act on that attraction, especially if it will be at your own detriment.

 

Character is not determined by how a person views themselves, but the actions they choose to take. There is an old saying that the best way to judge a person's character is by what they do when no one is looking. His character is questionable because he is cheating on his fiance. Your character is questionable because you participated in that. You're both sneaking around, hiding behind the image of a good character you want others to see.

 

If you shared the fact that you were an "other woman" with your future boyfriends, do you think they won't judge you for that? An intelligent, self respecting man would ask themselves, "If she is capable of that, then what else is she capable of?" They would be smart to question your values on honesty, integrity and commitment. These are questions that you should have asked yourself when you became involved with this man. If you didn't consider that, I'd say you are gullible. If you considered it, and discarded those facts because of chemistry, then you are in denial and a slave to your emotions. If you don't care and just want to have some fun, at the expense of someone else's feelings, then your character isn't as good as you think it is.

 

People do make mistakes, but in order for people to grow from them, they need to be real with themselves. You are romanticizing the chemistry and minimizing your own accountability. You need more insight into your choices before you can learn from this mistake.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[alexandria35]

She is 27 years old and has no relationship of her own. She feels over the hill/biological clock ticking. She has probably been riding the c&ck carousel for a good 10 - 12 years already. She is trying to pretend as if she has never done anything like this before...does anyone really believe that? Maybe she has never cheated with someone before, but does anyone doubt she has had her fair share of ONS, flings, FWBs, and f-buddies, and broken relationships in her sexual past?

 

She questions her own desirability despite her bravado...she is desperate to prove her womanhood and the perfect way to do that is to nab an engaged man....some other woman's man....the forbidden fruit. If she can get an engaged man into bed with her, doesn't this prove that she is a better, more desirable woman than the fiancee?

 

Let's face it...in addition to cheating with this guy, she doesn't have anyone of her own. She's 27. She's intelligent, beautiful, kind, yada yada....but she doesn't have a man of her own. If she's so perfect, why doesn't she have her own fiancee?

 

It's just not fair, is it, OP? You really showed them. You showed them all.

 

WOW! This thread sure has taken a nasty turn.

[emily_m]

Why are you backpeddling? In the beginning of this thread, you clearly said HE APPROACHED YOU and then you change your story to:

 

So which is it?

 

I clearly said he did not SLEAZILY approach me. Yes he did approach me, but not to give me his hotel name or room number - as with the post I was replying to.

 

Thanks for the character assassination guys - but contrary to your popular belief, I do not have meaningless flings, have never had, nor would I, a one night stand, and have never actually met a guy I have liked on a night out before now. So, wrong again. I date single men and in relationships I wait a while before sleeping with them, like a good girl. But golly gosh, that can’t be true can it….not of a girl who has a fling with someone else’s man??

 

Yes, believe it or not, this is the first time I have ever been in this situation, or a situation like it. (I'm clearly lying about this though, according to some of your comments). I have sent plenty of idiots with girlfriends packing when they have tried to come on to me - and shared exactly the same views as you about their morals and decency.

 

You also seem very intent on me being a horrific and malicious person – as shown by my actions....well, let me tell you, this one incident does not define my character. Nor should anyone be judged so harshly or defined by one single thing they have done wrong. (Unless, of course, they are guilty of murder, rape, etc.....you get the message).

 

You also think I'm lying about the details of my story, came on here for you to tell me to go for it and that he'd fall in love with me (purleease), and I have even, very maturely, been called a slut. Well, this is getting a bit ridiculous now guys, don’t you think. Maybe it's time to focus your interests on something else instead of making so many judgements about someone you don't know for ONE incident of wrong-doing. Yes, I will also be focusing my own interests elsewhere other than this guy....before you feel the need to point that out.

 

As they say, "when you judge me without knowing me, you do not define me, you define yourself."

Edited June 29, 2012 by emily_m

[Alice2012]

Yes, I will also be focusing my own interests elsewhere other than this guy....before you feel the need to point that out.

 

When you "break things off" with taken guy, he's going to do what needs to be done. Even if that means insisting you can be "just friends" in order to keep you on his hook.

 

And since you are clearly in denial about yourself (and this a-hole), he will probably have no problem working his way back in . . . even after the wedding takes place.

 

Again, your attitude and story is not unique. Based on everything you've written, you will likely fall for all the following lines:

 

"I think I made a big mistake marrying her."

"I am miserable."

"I miss you."

"I miss what we had."

"I want to leave her."

"She doesn't want to have sex anymore."

"I should have married you."

"I need to see you."

 

You're already hooked on this guy and continue to justify and rationalize your behavior.

I don't have high hopes for you.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[emily_m]

I don't have high hopes for you.

 

It's just as well I do have high hopes for myself then isn't it, Alice.

 

I don't fall for silly one liners - or even big stories, for that matter. That isn't how I got into this mess. He didn't 'con' me, I stupidly let myself fall for him and then made the other decisions for myself. But let's not go back over old ground.

 

Bottom line is, it will be ending as soon as he gets back into this country, and that will be it. And if he does say any of those things to me - then he clearly needs to go and sort his own life out without my assistance. What I am basically saying is, his reaction will make no difference whatsoever.

[emily_m]

Again, your attitude and story is not unique.

 

Very true - may be a similar situation to many, but everyone reacts and deals with things differently.

[Alice2012]

Bottom line is, it will be ending as soon as he gets back into this country.

 

That's odd - going out of the country just weeks before your wedding.

Maybe he's on his honeymoon or just on his annual vacation with his wife and kids.

 

What's that rock-solid proof you have that he's getting married in two months?

 

Are you or any of one your mutual friends Facebook friends with him?

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[emily_m]

That's odd - going out of the country just weeks before your wedding.

Maybe he's on his honeymoon.

 

What's that rock-solid proof you have that he's getting married in two months?

 

It doesn't really matter how I know this for sure - but yes, he's getting married in two months. And yes, he's out of the country two months before.

 

Hopefully he will have a nice time and forget all about me.

[Alice2012]

It doesn't really matter how I know this for sure - but yes, he's getting married in two months. And yes, he's out of the country two months before.

 

Hopefully he will have a nice time and forget all about me.

 

Why did he say he was out of the country?

 

I'm asking for the third time in this thread -- why aren't you (and all your friends) Facebook friends with him?

[emily_m]

Are you or any of one your mutual friends Facebook friends with him?

 

Sorry I misread this, yes this is along the lines of how I know. It's rock solid proof, anyway.

[emily_m]

Why did he say he was out of the country?

 

I'm asking for the third time in this thread -- why aren't you (and all your friends) Facebook friends with him?

 

Are you joking? You really can't figure out why we are not friends on facebook??

[Alice2012]

Are you joking? You really can't figure out why we are not friends on facebook??

 

Of course I can. But some guys are foolish and careless.

 

You are a major threat to his real life and future with his girlfriend. Having you (someone he knows is infatuated with him) as a fb friend puts that life and future at unnecessary risk AND being Facebook friends will make it harder for him to keep you hooked.

 

He is fully aware that having to see him tagged in all those wedding photos won't really make you want to jump him.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[emily_m]

Of course I can. But some guys are foolish and careless.

 

You are a major threat to his real life and future with his girlfriend. Having you (someone he knows is infatuated with him) as a fb friend puts that life and future at unnecessary risk AND being Facebook friends will make it harder for him to keep you hooked.

 

He is fully aware that having to see him tagged in all those wedding photos won't really make you want to jump him.

 

Well that's absolutely fine because we are not friends on there....nor will be ever be.

 

Nor would I interfere with his life any more than I already have......and he is putting his OWN future at risk, facebook or no facebook.

Edited June 29, 2012 by emily_m

[Alice2012]

Hopefully he will have a nice time and forget all about me.

 

Very romanticized (and delusional) statement.

 

Guys don't forget about girls who feed their egos. The man wants his side action. He's told you all the lines guys who want an ego boost and lay tell . . . and you fell for them hook, line and sinker and you're delusional:

 

"He has said he’s never [felt] like this with anyone"

 

"this guy did not sleazily approach me"

 

"he’s crazy about me too."

 

"I don’t know how people can do it to the partners they are supposed to love"

 

"I do wonder how the hell a guy can become so involved with another woman when he should be totally involved and in love with his fiancée."

 

"I don’t think he should be getting married."

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[emily_m]

Very romanticized (and delusional) statement.

 

Guys don't forget about girls who feed their egos. The man wants his side action. He's told you all the lines guys who want an ego boost and lay tell . . . and you fell for them hook, line and sinker and you're delusional:

 

"He has said he’s never [felt] like this with anyone"

 

"this guy did not sleazily approach me"

 

"he’s crazy about me too."

 

"I don’t know how people can do it to the partners they are supposed to love"

 

"I do wonder how the hell a guy can become so involved with another woman when he should be totally involved and in love with his fiancée."

 

"I don’t think he should be getting married."

 

Oh he'll forget. Once you stop feeding that huge ego of his.

 

I'm feeling a sense of deja vu here..............

 

I am 'officially' ending it whether he forgets or not. And dare I say it, I might even let you all know what happens.

[Alice2012]

I'm feeling a sense of deja vu here..............

 

And as I have already implied, I'm feeling it as well. Your exact story has been told over and over . . . and over again.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[Stellar Wench]

How many times have you stalked his Fiancee on facebook?

[Alice2012]

How many times have you stalked his Fiancee on facebook?

 

Based on what she wrote about the Facebook "verifying" by her and her friends, I'm sure this guy's "About Me" section says "Engaged to [insert fiancé's name]" and if his and her profiles are private/semi-private . . . I can only imagine the stalking that's been going on.

 

I'm posting on here for some support, and for some different opinions and advice to that of my friends - who have all been great.

 

Have all your friends been feeding your delusions - telling you he shouldn't be getting married if he's so "crazy" about you and he that can't possibly love his fiancé? But that you have to do the right thing . . . and hopefully he'll forget about you?

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[goodthingscome]

First I would like to applaude Quiet Storms post.

 

Then I would like to try and understand where Emily is coming from. Please correct me if I misrepresent something.

 

a) You are 27 years old and truly single

b) You have a great career and are independent

c) You have good morals, character and integrity (so you say)

d) You have NEVER done this before, EVER

e) You knew from the start he was ENGAGED to another woman

f) You were intimate with him the first night/day you met, within 24 hrs at least. Ie. I consider making out/kissing being intimate, jmo

g) You have had sex with him, more then one time.

h) You "chose" to enter into a sexual relationship with him knowing he was committed to another

 

I'm sure there's more but I haven't figured out this site. What I see from Emily's postings is someone who is emotionally immature and is needing affirmation of her behavior whether she admits it or not. This is bothering her since it doesn't mesh with her Snow White persona.

 

Let me just tell you "my" off the wall chemistry story. I was single, attractive, yada yada yada, out with a girlfriend when a group of guys entered. "HE" lasered in on me immediately. I totally get your chemistry reaction, I got wet just looking at him.... Anyway we talked and danced for awhile, then he told me he had to go with his buddies to another club (bachelor party) but would return. He left and about 45 minutes later he came back solo. My little heart went pitter patter, HE MUST REALLY WANT ME BAD!!!! Then, as we slow danced and I was planning our future, (haha) he let it slip that his WIFE was not happy with him going out that night!!! EERRRRKKK !!! WTF!!!!!!!

 

Know what I did? After I confirmed that he was truly married, I said well if she knew you were behaving like you are, no wonder!!! Then I asked my friend to distract him, while I slipped out the back . All I could think of on my drive home, alone..... was that no matter how good looking someone is, they can still be bottom feeders and how thankful I was that he made the comment about his wife. So, you aren't the exception to the chemistry rule, you were tried and found wanting. You whole life may not be judged by this one action, but I can honestly say I belong to an elite club, one that you will never be able to join. It's called the Being Faithful and having Integrity club.

Edited June 29, 2012 by goodthingscome
fingers faster then brain!

[writergal]

I clearly said he did not SLEAZILY approach me. Yes he did approach me, but not to give me his hotel name or room number - as with the post I was replying to.

 

He was engaged when he approached you. That equals sleaze.

 

Thanks for the character assassination guys - but contrary to your popular belief, I do not have meaningless flings, have never had, nor would I, a one night stand, and have never actually met a guy I have liked on a night out before now. So, wrong again. I date single men and in relationships I wait a while before sleeping with them, like a good girl. But golly gosh, that can’t be true can it….not of a girl who has a fling with someone else’s man??

 

Not a character assassination, more of astonishment that you choose not to see this situation for what it is - a meaningless fling.

 

Yes, believe it or not, this is the first time I have ever been in this situation, or a situation like it. (I'm clearly lying about this though, according to some of your comments). I have sent plenty of idiots with girlfriends packing when they have tried to come on to me - and shared exactly the same views as you about their morals and decency.

 

In the second paragraph of your post you claim you've never had a fling before, then in this next paragraph you admit this is the first time you've had a fling. And your defensive sarcasm shows that you're fully aware that what you did was wrong but it also masks your hurt feelings.

 

Hopefully after this situation plays out you'll learn not to accept a come-on from engaged or married men who seduce you.

 

There are plenty of single men in the world for you to date. Stick with that group. They're challenging enough as it is.

Edited June 29, 2012 by writergal

[MollyBrown]

Emily, the choice to go through with the wedding belongs to his fiancé,too. She, unfortunately, is basing her decision on the facts he is allowing her to know. That's manipulation.

 

As his friend, I think you should encourage him to be truthful with her. She's busy planning what should be the happiest day of her life. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know? If it turns out that he's just experiencing cold feet and they work through it- great. If he really doesn't love her, she needs to know that before marrying him. How heartbreaking it would be for her to find out about all of this later. His fiancé has the right to know about what he feels for you. Please talk to him about it.

[sunlover]

i also fell for an engaged man.

 

heres the story: we worked together for about 5 months and saw each other practically daily for this time. I got promoted and moved buildings, so we still see each other 5-7 times a week. we were intimate after the first few weeks. i knew him in high school too if that helps take any negative thoughts away.

 

where is the fiancee you may ask? he hasn't seen her in over a year. and she hasn't been in the US for almost two years. she cannot come back but they still havent called it off.

 

apparently i am the first one he has done anything with in the past year. we would hang out pretty much daily, in groups or with each other. run errands, walk the dogs, etc.

 

he called it off the other day, because he is not ready. he says her coming back is one in a million due to the governments and not allowing her visa to be authorized again.

 

WHAT DO I DO??? he and i have still been in contact, intimately and conversationally. he still wants to be friends, as do i. we have hung out in a group since the call off, but of course it took us under an hour to be all over each other. so we can't just be friends.

 

if he's not ready..... do i hang around and be basically friends with benefits, or walk and have the chance of him being ready for someone else and me risking losing him to someone else local.

 

i dont understand FWB either. how can you not have feelings for someone you sleep with for such a long time? also, i do not want to be just FWB unless it is exclusive, which i think he would be ok with since he said he's not going to get involved with anyone else ( i know i know, thats what he said), but he's not ready for anything. also, the whole protect myself sexually, etc.

 

do i wait around and be friends? or do i walk completely and have him find another FWB in the meantime?

 

 

 

thanks all