Is This Friendship Worth It?

[bsacamano69]

I need some advice, this is a little long but please take the time to read it… I am in love with my friend. Call it what you want, love, infatuation, the point is that I really like her. I’m 22 and she’s 20. We’ve been friends for 5 months now. I asked her out back in the first month of our friendship and she said yes, but on our date she told me that she’s not a relationship person and doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I waited 3 weeks and asked her again only to receive the same answer, so I dropped it and we’ve been just friends ever since. The thing is that I have fallen in love with her and she is completely clueless to that fact since I told her that I am fine with being just friends (I didn’t want to be immature and end a friendship just because she doesn’t have feelings for me). She calls me a lot and we hang out also. But I get the feeling that she uses me whenever it’s convenient for her. Even though she calls me a lot I’m pretty sure it’s just because she’s bored and has nothing else to do at that moment. On top of that she has blown me off at the last minute twice when we were supposed to hangout just because she didn’t feel like it anymore. Since I really like her, that bothers me, I don’t want to be somebody’s convenience, especially when I actually care for the person. I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, that’s just her personality. I know she has no idea how she makes me feel. Even though my wishful thinking does get the best of me sometimes and I do start to believe that she’s starting to develop feelings for me, I eventually realize the cold hard truth: when she said she’s not a ‘relationship person’ what she really means is ‘if I want a relationship it is not with you’. The constant interaction makes it really hard to get over her, but at the same time there was one week that we didn’t see each other or talk at all and that made it hard for me also. I went out with 2 other girls a few weeks ago, but I didn’t really let it go anywhere because I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend. Whether there’s any interaction with her or not, or whether I ask out other girls or not, this is really difficult for me. I’ve never really been in this ‘friendzone’ situation before and don’t know how to handle it, I feel like it’s ruining me. We both are bad at confronting feelings so I know she is clueless to how I feel. And since she’s not a very emotional person, once I tell her that we shouldn’t talk for a while, she might think that I’m being way too sensitive to the situation and I just need to get over it. So I have a few questions:

1) Am I being way too sensitive, I know I need to get over it but it isn’t that easy?

2) Should I remain friends with her and try to put these feelings aside, hoping to get over them with time, would that be the mature thing to do?

3) Or should I tell her that we need to cut contact for a while because of how difficult this is for me and because I get the feeling that I’m just a convenience for her and that bothers me (again, I don’t know if she really sees me as a convenience, but that’s how it comes across)?

4) Why do I get the feeling that telling someone that we basically can’t be friends because of the way I feel is a little immature? I want to get over her but I want her in my life at the same time, I don’t know what to do.

[Kamila]

Hey bsacamano69,

 

I'm kind of in the same situation right now and I don't know what to do.

I also have fallen in love with a person that just finds me 'nice'.

The only thing I would like to do is run away as far as possible from this person because the way they 'act' by saying they don't want anything serious is hurting me. I think you feel the same way too...

 

But is running away really good for us ? It's like either way you go you get hurt. Staying is hurting and going away is hurting. Well, it will hurt less over time, but still...

 

We could break down every possible option and see where it could go ...

 

1) Am I being way too sensitive, I know I need to get over it but it isn’t that easy?

You can't control matters of the heart. I've tried doing that. The moment you're hooked, it's utterly difficult to let go...

 

2) Should I remain friends with her and try to put these feelings aside, hoping to get over them with time, would that be the mature thing to do?

No putting feelings aside. If you feel your heart is overflown with emotions, try hinting it to her. It could make you feel better. I did that, and my friend understood.

 

3) Or should I tell her that we need to cut contact for a while because of how difficult this is for me and because I get the feeling that I’m just a convenience for her and that bothers me (again, I don’t know if she really sees me as a convenience, but that’s how it comes across)?

Well, that dilemma i also faced: he asked me how many times i would like to see him: once a week, twice a week, whatever meets my comfort level... If you cut contact, you could lose her. Try maintaining some kind of contact that you can handle.

 

4) Why do I get the feeling that telling someone that we basically can’t be friends because of the way I feel is a little immature? I want to get over her but I want her in my life at the same time, I don’t know what to do.

 

Try to ease that storm in your heart. It's possible. It's not immature for wanting to be more than friends. Letting her know is kind of mature in a sense. You have a choice to make here. Be her friend for the moment but with an acceptable emotional level you can handle.

 

You'll feel the hurt. But hey, that is love.

I'm in the same boat as yours, only that we've already confided we have a certain connection here. I had to take the initiative in showing him I fancy him. He was very sceptic at the beginning, now something is blooming. There is hope for us.

Love needs time and nurturing.

 

Good luck with that.

[LoverOfDance]

I think u need to cut contact for a while, maybe a few months. If it's really unbearable for u, then u need to stop being around her because she is the reason 4 your suffering. I know how u feel. Being around someone u know you most likely will never be with is really hard. For me, it was depressing and sad so I left and stayed as far away from him as possible.

 

This has nothing to do with her, it is about u. Don't tell her you're going NC, just do it. Don't feel bad 4 cutting her off, you're not doing it to hurt her, you're doing it to save yourself and to heal your broken heart. You need to know that no one deserves to suffer like that for the sake of another human being or 4 any other reason 4 that matter. Don't hurt yourself anymore. Do what u need to do and when you feel like you're feeling better and u don't have feelings 4 her anymore, resume contact and continue as normal. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be fine:)

[bsacamano69]

Thanks for the advice, I've kinda ignored her last few calls, I picked up one of them and told her I was busy, but next time she calls I'm going to be honest and straightforward about how I'm feeling and hopefully it goes well. The thing is, I recently found out that in about a month we are going to be coworkers because we unknowingly applied for jobs at the same place and we both got hired. I don't know if my feelings will be gone by then, I kinda don't think they will be. What's the best way to handle this? How do I keep my distance and get over my feelings for someone that I'm going to have to interact with on a regular basis?

[LoverOfDance]

That's a tough one. Well, I'm a training professional(in dance) and I had to drop a style of dance I've been training in for the past one year in order to be able to distance myself from the guy I'm trying to get over.

 

He teaches that style(both him and his gf) and I had to lie that I wasn't interested in it anymore so it wouldn't seem like I was avoiding him when I stopped taking their classes. I'm hoping to pick it back up and continue training once I'm over him.

 

I really love that style and it's my favorite so far(ever since I started training to be a professional dancer) but I had to make that sacrifice because I didn't see any other way out of my situation.

 

I honestly don't know what u should do in your situation. It's a choice u have to make 4 yourself. Being around the guy I liked always made me really sad and I just couldn't take it anymore. If u feel like u can't take it anymore, do what u need to do to be as far away from her as possible.

[NateC]

Having just experienced a similar situation as you, I can offer this advice: you have to make some sort of move or you'll never get the chance. Talk to her about how you feel and if she feels the same for you.

 

If she says no, you have your answer and can decide if you can stand being friends with someone you have feelings for (it's really, really hard to do this) or if you'd rather drop to acquaintances (or nothing) instead.

 

If she says yes...then well, you have an opening to make something of it.

 

Either way, if you don't ask you'll never know...and it might as well be a no.