Grieving process: Anger

[Ducky23]

I've been doing A LOT of writing lately, and I've found that I'm unable to piece together some things still. I'm not even through my first week of NC, but I've found that since I'm being forced to keep the messages between me and MM in my phone (my sons dad has made this a requirement so if MM contacts me again he can forward everything to MM's W), I read through them at times, trying to find answers. And some things.. Some of the things I'd asked for, some of the things he said.. I just have this burning question: WHY?!? I'm not even sure if I'm mad at him or at myself! Why did he kiss me that first time? Why did he initiate sex? Why did he tell me he loved me? WTF was he thinking dragging me into this?!? And WHY DID I GO ALONG WITH IT?! I'm having trouble sleeping, my brain won't shut up, and honestly I don't know how to let go without having found closure. We spent like 10 hours talking about it before I ended the A, and I never found closure. The only answers he could give me was "there was no conscious thought, I just did it" "you were there and we were kissing, I didn't want it to stop, I didn't plan on having sex with you, it just happened". "I was laying there thinking about the bad things I was wishing would happen (to W) and was wondering why I was thinking those things. It was like a lightbulb clicked on, 'duh! You love (Ducky)!'" What kind of answer is that?! I don't know exactly what this post is for, but how do you get past the angry/betrayed stage and move on to actually grieving and letting go??

[whichwayisup]

As pissed off and confused as you, this is good. Keep writing all that you feel out. You are going through the various stages of grief. You're going to be hit with lots of different emotions in the up coming weeks. Just go with it! Embrace it and journal it. Don't hold it in.

 

You will be okay again. It may take some time but you will survive this and come out a stronger and wiser woman.

[Silly_Girl]

It takes time and if you're at the angry phase - you're doing good!!

 

You have every right to feel angry, if that's what you're feeling go ahead and feel it. It doesn't last for ever and I found anger was a process by which my true feelings came through. It was like giving everything a good shake-up and when it settled back down I understood better how I felt, and what I'd learnt.

 

I will say, though, hard though it is to keep re-reading things will eventually become counter-productive. You're putting your little heart 'back there' over and over and at some point it needs to move on and needs to find happiness in other things. It might be worth addressing this further in your relationship because I think eventually this will hold you back.

 

Keep writing, keep feeling but try also to spend time away from the affair to give your heart and head a rest.

[Spark1111]

I think everyone processes pain differently and for me, getting to anger was good!

 

It galvanized me to take action and express my feelings, when I figured out what they were.

 

I started reading and researching and learning about affairs and found many recurrent themes. I started IC and journaling and blogging.

 

I too did not want to avoid re-reading the emails and texts. I did so until they did/could not hurt me anymore.

 

I know me and I can't avoid. The only way for me to heal is right through the middle.

 

Do whatever you need to do to heal yourself. Trust your instincts on this.

[skywriter]

Wow Ducky23,

 

We are going through the same thing together. I am, oh, 7 weeks give or take now of NC.

 

It has been a hard road to hoe, I tell ya. Just, yesterday, I was driving home from work and it seemed like every damn song on the radio was some sob story break up song.

 

I finally got irritated and turned it all of and I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Then I got pissed at myself for even considering crying over someone who considered me nothing more than a piece of side meat.

 

So, for me, I think my anger is more at myself. I've always wanted to be a strong individual, and not have a victim mentality. My thinking is , "I should be smarter than whatever I'm faced with."

 

So, yea, I failed myself and all other women, in fact. I shoulda laughed at this man and kept him away. So, I cannot ever be vulnerable and let my guard down again.

 

....anyway! I know how you are feeling, because I'm with ya! My therapy, has been working out, and focusing on myself and what I can do for me. Hey, I've dropped 40 pounds since March. Everyone at work, are like, "what in the world?"

 

Just love yourself and others will too!

Edited June 28, 2012 by skywriter

[jwi71]

I'm not even through my first week of NC, but I've found that since I'm being forced to keep the messages between me and MM in my phone (my sons dad has made this a requirement so if MM contacts me again he can forward everything to MM's W), I read through them at times, trying to find answers.

 

Your sons dad? If he isn't your H then I would simply delete the messages and tell "your son's dad" to kiss your azz - it's none of his business.

 

And if this is your H, why are you referring to him as "your son's dad" and "my H"? It seems like a "demotion" to me.

 

Simply an observation.

 

WHY?!?

 

Because he can and because you accepted.

 

Why did he kiss me that first time?

 

He took a calculated risk that you would be open to kissing him at that point in time - and because he can.

 

Why did he initiate sex?

 

He wanted to f_ck you.

 

Why did he tell me he loved me?

 

Maybe he did. Maybe it felt like love. Maybe it helped him get more sex. Maybe it helped him "make" you more compliant and willing.

 

WTF was he thinking dragging me into this?!?

 

He was thinking "I want to screw Ducky for a bit".

And.....he didn't drag YOU into anything. You were a willing participant.

 

And WHY DID I GO ALONG WITH IT?!

 

Now I know those above questions weren't real questions. You're ranting/venting. And it's a good a perfectly natural response. THIS question is what YOU need to ask. The others, the not real ones, deflection. Hiding. Avoiding the issue. And to each of the questions the answer is ultimately the same: he can.

 

But he can't if YOU aren't willing to engage.

 

So, as you ask, why did you accept the offer? Why did you cross "the line" - and it's not just one line, it's multiple lines. Multiple times.

 

Worry less about him and more about you.

 

I'm having trouble sleeping, my brain won't shut up, and honestly I don't know how to let go without having found closure.

 

Let me ask what closure is.

If you "can't" (really its wont) "let go" without this "closure" it would be really handy to know what that is. It's a never ending race if one doesn't know where the finish line is. So, what is closure to you in a general sense.

 

Are you expecting to have all questions answered and neatly gift wrapped in a box?

 

What do you seek....

 

We spent like 10 hours talking about it before I ended the A, and I never found closure. The only answers he could give me was "there was no conscious thought, I just did it" "you were there and we were kissing, I didn't want it to stop, I didn't plan on having sex with you, it just happened". "I was laying there thinking about the bad things I was wishing would happen (to W) and was wondering why I was thinking those things. It was like a lightbulb clicked on, 'duh! You love (Ducky)!'" What kind of answer is that?! I don't know exactly what this post is for, but how do you get past the angry/betrayed stage and move on to actually grieving and letting go??

 

You get "there" when you allow yourself to get "there".

 

If you feel stuck, and it's too early to feel stuck, then what is it you are stuck on?

 

But, as others have said, you appear to be walking the healing path and hitting the milestones well and, seemingly, in the usual order.

 

I would caution more introspection to your role and less exteralization on him.

[scatterd]

I know you are mad but is he worth it?This is a person

that don't care about hurting his wife he wants to piss her off at the expense of you. He sounds like a good person. Not! Maybe his wife needs to know how reckless he is. I would want to know if it was my husband. Not a

person concerned about hurting others. You can do better and will feel better.

Good Luck

[Ducky23]

Your sons dad? If he isn't your H then I would simply delete the messages and tell "your son's dad" to kiss your azz - it's none of his business.

 

And if this is your H, why are you referring to him as "your son's dad" and "my H"? It seems like a "demotion" to me.

 

Let me ask what closure is.

If you "can't" (really its wont) "let go" without this "closure" it would be really handy to know what that is. It's a never ending race if one doesn't know where the finish line is. So, what is closure to you in a general sense.

 

Are you expecting to have all questions answered and neatly gift wrapped in a box?

 

What do you seek....

 

You get "there" when you allow yourself to get "there".

 

If you feel stuck, and it's too early to feel stuck, then what is it you are stuck on?

 

But, as others have said, you appear to be walking the healing path and hitting the milestones well and, seemingly, in the usual order.

 

I would caution more introspection to your role and less exteralization on him.

 

No, my sons dad is not my H. He was my companion, we tried dating for a while, and as my ex he continued to be my companion. We live together, he wants to be together. When he found out about the A, he told me we had to be together if I wanted to continue living with him. He said I had to keep the messages between me and MM on my phone because he would know if he contacted me again and then he would forward everything to the BS.

As for closure, I've honestly contemplated outting MM to BW. I know I'll never get the answers I want, and I think I'm okay with that. I believe I'm most angry with myself and I still carry a huge burden, I feel absolutely guilty and sh***y about it.

[jwi71]

No, my sons dad is not my H. He was my companion, we tried dating for a while, and as my ex he continued to be my companion. We live together, he wants to be together. When he found out about the A, he told me we had to be together if I wanted to continue living with him. He said I had to keep the messages between me and MM on my phone because he would know if he contacted me again and then he would forward everything to the BS.

 

So, he (your son's father) wants to be with you.

Do you want to be with him? Is he who you wish to spend eternal wedded bliss together?

 

I'm getting the sense, since you are choosing to say "my son's father" that he isn't even a bf to you - you're there at his place out of necessity. Yes?

 

What is your R with "your son's father"? What is your goal in staying there with him? And yes, I think it's important to understand your description of him, your romantic views of the future with him and so on.

 

As for closure, I've honestly contemplated outting MM to BW.

 

So are you defining (confusing?) closure with revenge?

If you out him, what do YOU hope to gain?

 

I know I'll never get the answers I want, and I think I'm okay with that

 

Good. You won't. No one ever does. I've never had an R end where I got "all the answers". It's a fruitless exercise that prolongs healing. And I've noticed that when people are seeking answers to THEIR issues (all that venting above you did) they are really externalizing an internal process. Worry less about how "he made you do whatever" and more on "why did I accept" (and I'm looking, hard, at your R with your "son's father").

 

Like LG says, closure comes from within.

 

I believe I'm most angry with myself and I still carry a huge burden, I feel absolutely guilty and sh***y about it.

 

Yeah, this is where you need to be looking.

Why are you angry at yourself?

Why the guilt now? ( as opposed to then)

What is this burden you carry? (and is it all the A, or is it more)?

 

IMO, time to start going into the darker recesses of the heart. Take a good hard look at "the ugly" (we all have it). This is hard work - and one an IC may prove invaluable.

 

Whatever you do, don't stop. They only way to not heal, grow, learn, recover is to quit. So don't. Even when you are low (and I mean lower than now), keep forging ahead.

 

Everyone has ugly. It doesn't make you bad. It makes you human.

[Ducky23]

So, he (your son's father) wants to be with you.

Do you want to be with him? Is he who you wish to spend eternal wedded bliss together?

 

I'm getting the sense, since you are choosing to say "my son's father" that he isn't even a bf to you - you're there at his place out of necessity. Yes?

 

What is your R with "your son's father"? What is your goal in staying there with him? And yes, I think it's important to understand your description of him, your romantic views of the future with him and so on.

 

 

 

So are you defining (confusing?) closure with revenge?

If you out him, what do YOU hope to gain?

 

No, I'm not confusing closure with revenge. I take full responsibility for ending the A. But I'm riddled with guit over the situation and she keeps trying to contact me, as I was her "friend" and she has NO idea what's going on. As much as I wanted him to be all mine, I wanted him to be happy even more. If that meant staying with BS, then so be it. But I also believe she deserves the truth.

 

Good. You won't. No one ever does. I've never had an R end where I got "all the answers". It's a fruitless exercise that prolongs healing. And I've noticed that when people are seeking answers to THEIR issues (all that venting above you did) they are really externalizing an internal process. Worry less about how "he made you do whatever" and more on "why did I accept" (and I'm looking, hard, at your R with your "son's father").

 

Like LG says, closure comes from within.

 

 

 

Yeah, this is where you need to be looking.

Why are you angry at yourself?

Why the guilt now? ( as opposed to then)

What is this burden you carry? (and is it all the A, or is it more)?

 

IMO, time to start going into the darker recesses of the heart. Take a good hard look at "the ugly" (we all have it). This is hard work - and one an IC may prove invaluable.

 

Whatever you do, don't stop. They only way to not heal, grow, learn, recover is to quit. So don't. Even when you are low (and I mean lower than now), keep forging ahead.

 

Everyone has ugly. It doesn't make you bad. It makes you human.

 

So much.. Let's start with my sons dad. I never wanted a R with him. He was my companion. I became emotionally involved and we tried dating. I have this absolute hatred of structured R's. I hate all that comes with them. Starting with the pressure. Which is why the A was so attractive to me. MM was married, therefore unlikely to ask for more than a good time. At some point I fell head over heels and decided that was it, W had to go, I wanted him to be mine. He (said) reciprocated and only asked for my patience so he could meet his goals and get rid of her. Because she has considered me such a close friend, (I can't stand her personally), I definitely feel guilty over the absolute betrayal. The fact that I pretended to care about her, the way I took care of her and stepped into his shoes while he was gone for days/weeks. It hits me hard because I've been the BS. I NEVER wanted to be the OW. And I honestly feel I'm more angry about being the OW and all of the deception that came with the A. I don't hate him, though I feel I should, because it was as much my choice to participate as it was his.

The deep and dark.. I hate R's for a reason. It's not just "oh, there was this ex one time..." I have habitually been pulled into horrible R's, and I think I believed I "deserved what I got". MM was not abusive in any way and he allowed me absolute freedom, saying more than once "I only want you to be happy, with or without me... ...I'm just hoping I'm the one lucky enough to be chosen."

I'm an adult survivor of incest. I'm a rape survivor. I'm a survivor of abuse. I'm an ex-addict. I have an addictive personality. These are realities. I thought I had dealt with and put all of this behind me. I am only now realizing otherwise. I'm not sure that I want to put myself in the position of being in a R with my sons father because I feel like I have a very long road ahead of me as I re-enter therapy and attempt to work through all of my ****. I don't know how to tell him that because it would end our amicable agreement. I have proposed us living separately and he told me that if I moved out it would end all between us and there would be no help for salvaging the R because in his mind I would be out f***ing every man I could get into my bed. I'm absolutely destroyed by the issues that have come out of this A and I'm absolutely lost in how to go about dealing with any of this before I get into therapy.

Edited June 28, 2012 by Ducky23
Coherency

[goodthingscome]

Wow you have alot on your plate. Why would you add cheating? You do need to look long and hard at why you allowed yourself to join the infidelity club. Just think about your child if not yourself. What kind of example are you setting for him?

[Ducky23]

Wow you have alot on your plate. Why would you add cheating? You do need to look long and hard at why you allowed yourself to join the infidelity club. Just think about your child if not yourself. What kind of example are you setting for him?

 

Honestly, it's the "why" that I'm trying to figure out. During the course of the A I not only cheated, I completely let go of all of my morals. I was already lost when he found me, and I think that made it easier to do things I otherwise would never have done. That I remained lost, even when I thought I had found myself. I'm almost a week into NC and I've cried more in the last week than I ever thought possible. Not from grieving the loss of the A. But from looking at and trying to understand where I went wrong. Evaluating all of the damage done and trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life. I believe that, at least in some part, it was a defense mechanism. Or a coping strategy. With BPD and PTSD it's normal for otherwise sane people to simply.. Fly off the tracks. I was seriously hurting when the A started and I self-medicated (read:coped) by drinking excessively. And then I found this man who seemed, in my eyes, to be a hero. A man who demanded almost nothing of me. Someone who accepted me and loved me completely, baggage and all. But I never told him the whole truth. So many things from my past that I didn't want to have "taint" the fantasy of a "perfect love". I honestly thought I had finally found the man whom I would spend the rest of my life with. No questions asked. Because I was lost in this "fog" that was shielding me from the reality of what was truly my life. My story. My pain. I allowed it to go on for fear of actually having to STOP and reassess myself. My life. My pain. After my brain finally stopped being "high" from sitting on Cloud9 and I truly LOOKED at what I had done over even just the last year, at the damage I've caused, the lies I've told, the double-life I was leading.. I'm truly disgusted with myself. I don't know who I am. And I find that I'm more lost now than I think I was back when I was drinking to numb the reality that was my life. Wow... Self-realization sucks.

[mercy]

Ducky, a cheating mm can't give you closure. There is nothing he can say that will give that to you. It comes from within.

 

Hey you! I really like this! I have never believed in closure, it's just something we chase along with, why why why...

 

But this I like.

[jwi71]

Ducky,

 

There is so much on your plate.

Honestly, much of it is beyond my scope and ability to help and guide you.

 

None of it makes you a bad person.

 

Because of the depth and breadth of the challenges you have faced, how the echo through time and affect you and your choices now, I can only suggest, and strongly, that you seek IC.

 

I would offer that moving out of your current living situation is a good move. Not because he is "bad" per se but because now, the best thing you can do for you (and by extension your son), is be alone. Concentrate on healing. It's gonna take time.

 

And an ocean of tears.

 

If you can do it, if you want to "be whole" and not so fractured - then choose to be whole. And don't quit until it's done. Likely, it this journey, should you embark, will take years of hard, painful trials. Most of which are internal (which is good - if it's internal YOU can control it).

 

Good luck Ducky, you can make it if you want it bad enough

 

(don't let the pain win - beat it)