The past of my girlfriend

[Robert P]

I'm a brazilian 28 years old guy. So, I apologize for any mistakes, since English is not my mother-tongue.

 

I was always a shy boy. I had just a few friends and never dated or kissed any girl until 25.

 

In 2001, I knew this girl during a chat session in the internet. Since that day we started talking on a daily basis. Usually we chatted more than 5 hours a day. She was cool, inteligent, beautiful. I was suddenly interested in her.

 

And I realized she was not shy like me, since she had 2 boyfriends and 2 affairs from 2001 to 2008. I was totally ok with it. In fact, I was concerned that my lack of experience could push her away. She had been in relationships that lasted years and years, while I was totally apart from any girl.

 

In 2008, after many years talking to her only by MSN, what was quite confortable if you take my shyness in account, I finally met her in person and became her boyfriend.

 

Now I'm 28 and she's 29. We're together for the last 3 years.

 

But one year ago some facts came to my knowledge. It turns out that she had much more than 2 boyfriends and 2 affairs. In fact, she had more than 50 men in her life, if you consider one night stands, boyfriends, affairs, or men she just kissed without any sex. In fact, when it comes to sex, I think she had it with about 5 or 6 men.

 

I don't think she was hiding it for me. She simply hadn't any obligation of telling me, since before 2008 she was just a friend. Friends don't have to tell everything.

 

Nevertheless, it turns out that she's different from what I thought she was. I thought there was no problem in having 3 ou 4 men, like she had, but 50 is too much.

 

There was an occasion in which she went to a carnival and kissed many guys in the same night.

 

I talked to her about it, she said that she doesn't think it was totally right and that people should avoid such promiscuity. I don't know if she's being honest, but it doesn't matter.

 

Because what matters is that I can't abide this. I know, somehow, I must be wrong. I think it's none of my businness what she did in her past, since she's totally faithfull. I can trust her, no doubt about it.

 

But I think about it all day. I can't even sleep anymore. I picture her been kissed, or having sex. It hurts me, sometimes I wanna die. I was raised catholical, I have strong principles. She is the only girl I ever kissed in my entire life. Is it fair that I have to abide her promiscuous behaviour, even if it happened before our relationship?

 

I totally love her, and she loves me. I wanna marry her.

 

But please, help me to learn how to live with it. I'm lost, I'm depressed. I'm also full of anger.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Robert P]

Oh, I forgot to say. I sometimes compare myself to all the ex-BF she had. It's weird, but it makes me suffer too. One more stuff to deal with, concerning all that I've written above.

[utterer of lies]

Grow up.

 

As long as she is faithful now, there is no problem, and you shouldn't create one out of this.

[Robert P]

Grow up.

 

As long as she is faithful now, there is no problem, and you shouldn't create one out of this.

 

That's what I'm asking.

 

How can I "grow up"?

 

How can I be fine if I thought she was one kind of woman and she is another?

[utterer of lies]

That's what I'm asking.

 

How can I "grow up"?

 

How can I be fine if I thought she was one kind of woman and she is another?

 

Because she didn't change. Only your perception of her changed. You had a great life with her before, and you can still have it.

 

She's the same girl you loved for the last 3 years.

 

The only difference is that you are getting paranoid and mind-**** yourself about her past now. Is this really worth ruining your relationship for?

[Robert P]

Because she didn't change. Only your perception of her changed. You had a great life with her before, and you can still have it.

 

She's the same girl you loved for the last 3 years.

 

The only difference is that you are getting paranoid and mind-**** yourself about her past now. Is this really worth ruining your relationship for?

 

It is not worth. I even said in the end of my text:

 

"I totally love her, and she loves me. I wanna marry her."

 

I'm trying to forget, really. But I've been paranoid for more than a year. It's easy to say, hard to do.

[utterer of lies]

It is not worth. I even said in the end of my text:

 

"I totally love her, and she loves me. I wanna marry her."

 

I'm trying to forget, really. But I've been paranoid for more than a year. It's easy to say, hard to do.

 

I know. But you can do it. For the two of you.

[PegNosePete]

I think your problem is not the number of men she has had, but that she lied to you. And if she lied to you about that, what else is she lying about?

 

Trust is a difficult thing. It takes a long time to be built up, but can be broken in seconds.

[Robert P]

I think your problem is not the number of men she has had, but that she lied to you. And if she lied to you about that, what else is she lying about?

 

Trust is a difficult thing. It takes a long time to be built up, but can be broken in seconds.

 

I can't say you are wrong. But she didn't lie. We were friends and she had no obligation of telling me everything.

 

On the other hand, I felt like she deceived me. Because she always knew what my standards were and she didn't bother telling me that she had different thoughts.

 

How can I forget this and become happy again in this relationship?

[PegNosePete]

she always knew what my standards were and she didn't bother telling me that she had different thoughts.

A lie of omission is still a lie.

 

How can I forget this and become happy again in this relationship?

You can't forget about it. You can either accept it or move on.

[Robert P]

You can't forget about it. You can either accept it or move on.

 

Ok, any suggestions on how to accept it?

[PegNosePete]

You just do.

 

If you don't, then it's option B.

[Flyin in Clouds]

She's had 50 and you ....

 

She's had way more than you? She's a slut. Either love her for that or get more women for you. How will you feel 5 or 10 years from now, knowing she has had and enjoyed all those other guys and you haven't had nearly as much fun? Won't you eventually regret not knowing what it would be like with other women? Maybe it is just me but I sure would. How do feel about being so sexually inferior, so inexperienced relative to her?

[Robert P]

She's had 50 and you ....

 

She's had way more than you? She's a slut. Either love her for that or get more women for you. How will you feel 5 or 10 years from now, knowing she has had and enjoyed all those other guys and you haven't had nearly as much fun? Won't you eventually regret not knowing what it would be like with other women? Maybe it is just me but I sure would. How do feel about being so sexually inferior, so inexperienced relative to her?

 

I feel bad. I already regret it.

 

Now it's almost 3 years we are having sex very often. So I'm not a moron like a used to be in this matter.

 

On the other hand, I really feel that there's something that's not well balanced between us.

[irin]

you are experiencing what is called retroactive jealousy, its a very terrible issue that some people deal with its actually a very deep psychological form of jealousy, its can take over a persons mind, have clear images of your partners past experience running like a movie in your head, it makes you feel less special, because what you have with them now, is no different to what he/she has had with others, in some cases is becomes physical as well, when they touch you feel sickened by it and during intimacy you get thoughts of them with other people, which lead to devastating effects on your relationship.

 

its not about growing up there people in their 50's 60's that sometimes suffer from this. the only advice i can give is if it becomes really bad seek professional help, like counselling/therapy, suffering in silence alone in your head will only make it worse. im sorry to say this but they other option if you issue is not resolvable might lead to a break up. ive read stories about people that were married 20 odd years but eventually divorced because of RJ.

[ascendotum]

50s a big number in my book, but you said this includes guys she's kissed/flirted with, that doesn't mean she was on her knees and was kissing their dick. Take the kiss sitautions out of the equation, and how many men did she have sex with....5 0r 6 (supposedly) you say. That's not over the top, by any means for a 29 yr old.

[Robert P]

50s a big number in my book, but you said this includes guys she's kissed/flirted with, that doesn't mean she was on her knees and was kissing their dick. Take the kiss sitautions out of the equation, and how many men did she have sex with....5 0r 6 (supposedly) you say. That's not over the top, by any means for a 29 yr old.

 

6 is not a big number, in fact. My problem is the way it happened.

 

She had sex with 3 long-term boyfriends. It doesn't bother me, because she was in relationships and I think it's fair that she had sex with them. Everything is fine.

 

I'm concerned about the other 3.

 

One of them was a guy she met at a club and they had sex in the same night. After that, they had sex a few more times and then it was over.

 

Other was a guy without any commitment with her. They barely knew each other and they had no plans together. They didn't want to go into a relationship and, nevertheless, they had sex anyway, a few times.

 

So what can I say? Yes, 6 sexual partners is not a big number. But the way it happened with 3 of them is what really scares me.

 

Concerning the 50 guys she kissed of flirted with... Well, I hate it.

 

Firstly, because I think she gave more attention to them than to me. I spent years improving myself and trying to be a perfect guy in order to attract her. After that, and after many trial, I finally got to kiss her. But why did I make such a big effort? All those guys didn't. And they achieved the same as I.

 

Secondly, because I think that they just didn't had sex because probably they were not sexually attractive to her. If they were, she would have had sex with them. She had sex with other guys in the same situation, didn't she?

 

So I feel extremely jealous when I think about all those men.

 

And, besides, I worry about her standards. Her principles. Her ethics.

[KungFuJoe]

OP,

 

What you are doing is belittling your gf. You are painting her in the worst picture possible. You're imagining her being used and abused, tossed to the side, battered and beaten, and after she's had her fill of being used up, she comes to you because you're the only one who will stick around. In a sense, you are mentally treating her worse than any guy in her past she slept with. You are becoming the kind of man you imagined she was being with.

 

The reality is FAR FAR different than what you are imagining. The reality is that she's a woman with a high libido, who enjoys physical contact and doesn't always need love to have it. Sex is the most natural thing in the world. It's only our society's male dominated viewpoints that paint women who enjoy sex as sluts and men who do the same as studs. Women are no different and can enjoy casual sex just as much as men. She had fun, but those guys were nothing more...just human dildos there for her pleasure. When she met you and stuck with you, it means she found someone who satisfies her sexually AND emotionally.

 

And besides, 5 or 6 sexual partners with a few flings in between LTR is absolutely normal, and to be honest, it's pretty damn tame at her age. Good luck finding someone else who has had less experience.

 

Now, you can either drop her and spend the rest of your life looking for a 28 year old virgin who doesn't have MAJOR hangups about sex, or you can enjoy the fact that you guys have a lot of sex even after 3 years because you have a woman who truly ENJOYS sex, doesn't feel dirty doing it, and the connection you have makes the sex even better.

 

The reason why she made you wait was very simple. She REALLY liked you and saw something long term with you (something she didn't see in those other guys she was just using for sex). She wasn't making you wait because she wasn't into you...trust me she probably wanted to jump your bones right from the getgo, but she was overly concerned about how you would think about her. This is very common with women so no surprises here.

 

As far as standards or ethics go...my first gf was 22 when I met her (I was 18). She had TWO boyfriends before me and the only one she had sex with was someone she was madly in love with and they only did it about 4 times. She had to leave him because she left her country (Hong Kong) to come to the US. She would never consider sex without love, didn't have any flings or one night stands under her belt. She was about as "pure" as you could get in a non-virgin. Well...the sex with her, while great at first when it was new, eventually died out and she ended up cheating on me with someone she didn't even like very much because he showered her with attention and had money.

 

So much for your ethics and standards.

Edited July 1, 2012 by KungFuJoe

[Robert P]

OP,

 

What you are doing is belittling your gf. You are painting her in the worst picture possible. You're imagining her being used and abused, tossed to the side, battered and beaten, and after she's had her fill of being used up, she comes to you because you're the only one who will stick around. In a sense, you are mentally treating her worse than any guy in her past she slept with. You are becoming the kind of man you imagined she was being with.

 

She didn't care about the way men treated her when she was kissing a lot of guys, do you see? In order to be fair, she doesn't have the right to care now. Obviously, I'm being hypothetical here, because I don't talk to her about this subject often.

 

The reality is FAR FAR different than what you are imagining. The reality is that she's a woman with a high libido, who enjoys physical contact and doesn't always need love to have it. Sex is the most natural thing in the world. It's only our society's male dominated viewpoints that paint women who enjoy sex as sluts and men who do the same as studs. Women are no different and can enjoy casual sex just as much as men. She had fun, but those guys were nothing more...just human dildos there for her pleasure. When she met you and stuck with you, it means she found someone who satisfies her sexually AND emotionally.

 

On the other hand, I probably don't have anything special to offer her, since she was willing to use human dildos all around. I'm just one more human dildo. There's nothing special about the fact that I was able to have sex with her. I'm just one more guy in her life. Nothing special.

 

And besides, 5 or 6 sexual partners with a few flings in between LTR is absolutely normal, and to be honest, it's pretty damn tame at her age. Good luck finding someone else who has had less experience.

 

I would never find someone who has less experience. That's why I'm gonna marry her, even if I can't bare looking at her past.

 

Now, you can either drop her and spend the rest of your life looking for a 28 year old virgin who doesn't have MAJOR hangups about sex, or you can enjoy the fact that you guys have a lot of sex even after 3 years because you have a woman who truly ENJOYS sex, doesn't feel dirty doing it, and the connection you have makes the sex even better.

 

I don't care she enjoys sex. All I wanted was that she only had sex with love or true feelings. A person doesn't have to screw anything that moves just because likes sex.

 

The reason why she made you wait was very simple. She REALLY liked you and saw something long term with you (something she didn't see in those other guys she was just using for sex). She wasn't making you wait because she wasn't into you...trust me she probably wanted to jump your bones right from the getgo, but she was overly concerned about how you would think about her. This is very common with women so no surprises here.

 

In fact, maybe she would have had sex with me earlier. But I was never a "stud" (I'm using here the word you chose). I was never the guy who goes to a party and gets all the girls. I was never a guy who used or abused girls. I was never the guy who gives all sorts of drinks to girls in order to have sex with them later. As you can see, I have standards. What do I earn from that? Nothing. My "prize" is that she takes more time to have sex with me. If I were a jerk, I'd probably be in bed with her 10 times earlier.

 

As far as standards or ethics go...my first gf was 22 when I met her (I was 18). She had TWO boyfriends before me and the only one she had sex with was someone she was madly in love with and they only did it about 4 times. She had to leave him because she left her country (Hong Kong) to come to the US. She would never consider sex without love, didn't have any flings or one night stands under her belt. She was about as "pure" as you could get in a non-virgin. Well...the sex with her, while great at first when it was new, eventually died out and she ended up cheating on me with someone she didn't even like very much because he showered her with attention and had money.

 

So much for your ethics and standards.

 

This doesn't have much about fidelity. And that girl you mentioned would probably be a slut even if she wasn't almost virgin like you said.