Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

So my story is way long but in a nut shell I lied to husband about something while preggo. I came clean apologized a million times over but within the hour of telling him he claimed to be done and he wanted out of our marriage. This was followed by weeks of not speaking and a few blow out fights. Needless to say we are in week 5 of marriage falling apart and though we arent fighting or bickering hes on couch sans wedding ring and we barely talk unless I iniate. When we talk its civil. I miss him terribly but I feel like a sitting duck.

 

He has yet to file or etc but Im not sure if its because hes waiting or because hes not 100% sure. I dont want to ask because we just started being civil and talking some and I dont wanna force the issue, however Im baffled. It seems forgiveness is a long way away and he still seems mad! Any suggestions on how to show him I can be trusted again especially if hes not willing to believe my words

[Owl]

Well...given that you didn't mention what it was you did, I don't know for sure what to tell you about rebuilding his trust in you.

 

What I CAN tell you is that sometimes...if the action is such a massive betrayal and offense...forgiveness just won't/can't happen.

 

So...let me give you an example of what steps forgiveness were to require for infidelity, since that's where I spend most of my time at on this site.

 

First off...for infidelity (and again, I don't know what it is you did...not saying that this is what you did...just using it as an example since I don't know the actual details of your story)...this is a doozie that many, many folks just CANNOT forgive.

 

Some can...if...the WS (wayward spouse) takes a lot of specific actions to rebuild trust. Never, ever contacting their affair partner again. Demonstrating trustworthiness by being willing to answer, honestly AND COMPLETELY, all questions about their actions/feelings during the affair. Offering up free access to all means of communication to demonstrate that they are no longer communicating with the OM/OW behind their spouse's back. Providing full accountability for their time and actions post affair, to again demonstrate that they're now being honest where they weren't before.

 

You get the picture.

 

Your own 'steps to forgiveness' will depend on the action that you're needing to be forgiven for.

[AllieKat]

I lied about going to Dr for bloodwork when I first found out I was preggo! I was supposed to go and I didnt go and I told hubby I went. I also started to bleed and cramp and when I called him to tell him I chickened out and only told him I was cramping, and didnt go to dr when I started to bleed till a week later.

 

Not to make excuses but to be honest I was just so consumed with having this baby I didnt want to face the fact I was having another miscarriage or ectopic. I was in complete denial

[Owl]

Is there any reason to believe that not getting that bloodwork done had an impact on the miscarriage?

 

I can see where the loss of a child through miscarriage can be some pretty tough emotional trauma.

 

The only "reason" I can see that he could hold this against you is if there was indeed reason to believe that not getting that bloodwork done led to the miscarriage. Not saying I agree with his actions...just saying that could be what he's thinking.

 

Have you considered suggesting counseling for him, if he's having trouble dealing with your miscarriage?

 

Re-reading...now I'm not sure...or was there even a miscarriage? Are you still preggo and everything seems ok now?

[AllieKat]

I have a history of miscarriage so when i found out dr wanted two blood tests to make sure my hcg were rising. That would let them

Know baby was not another ectopic but i chickened out cause i was scared but i told hubby i went and all was ok :-(

 

I did miscarry but i never told hubby about the bleeding till a week after it started. So basically in his eyes i miscarried and didnt tell him till a week after the fact

[Owl]

So he blames you for the miscarriage since you didn't get blood work done? Would having gotten the blood work done have made a difference?

 

You know...another part of this issue here might be because you never gave him the opportunity to support you after you miscarried. You waited a week, kept that information to yourself, and then let him grieve on his own a week later.

 

Do you have a history of being dishonest with him on other issues or topics?

[Yasuandio]

Stop using words. Demonstrate through your actions and nonactions of inappropriate behaviors (as you described in earlier threads). Like Tojaz says, it's gonna take time; and you can only change how you "respond" to his reactions.

 

You cannot make someone forgive you. And if they do forgive you, they are unlikely to forget. If and when your H does forgive you, he needs to get it in his head that the issue is in the past - even if it takes a MC to teach him.

 

Also, you need to feel some sercurity in your marriage - as of right now, it looks like there is zero. I do not think the alienation you are receiving fits the crime, actually. Now that is just my opinion. And - it appears to me, due to your "spinning" (stimulated, understandably by the alienation of affection), may be causing you to be out of control at times. You have to get a grip.

 

I have compassion for you just as Tojaz does. Let's remember you are the mother that went through the miscarriage - right? Yeah, right? What about your needs emotionally, physically? Also, just prior to this recent miscarriage, your husband was, understandably, upset with you about your threats of divorce. But, nonetheless, he then also chose to alienate himself from you at the time of you learning of the pregnancy.

 

I remember you struggling with how to handle that preggy matter. That was a tremendous burden on your shoulders, Allie, at a time where you suddenly (whether you aare responsible or not) didn't know for sure if H was to stay or go. I can surely understand why you just handled the matter on your own. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

OK. Mistakes done, over with. Move forward, make that the new household motto. If he cannot forgive at this time, fine, he needs to act decent around his wife. That does mean maintaining his alienation of affection, silent treatment, disappearing acts, ignoring DD, etc. And, certainly, do not reward this conduct - as it is unacceptable. The aforementioned is a suggested boundary for you.

 

How do you do it? Simple state simply what is expected, and what will no longer be tolerated, period. IOW, you might state simply (like a mantra), or write down on a contract the following:

 

1. I accept you cannot forgive at this time.

2. I accept you will never forget what happened.

3. I will live with no less than a minimum of general normalcy and harmony in this home. That means the married couple speak and interact with each other, come home at regular hours, eat at the table together, and spend a reasonable amount of time with the child.

 

This is asking for basic decency at the home. To keep you in limbo over whether or not you have a marriage or not due to the miscarriage situation IMO is over the top. Is it possible the stress from the previous situation brought on the miscarriage?

 

These are just some thoughts to consider. And it is always easier said than done. Yas

Edited June 28, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

Ty for taking the time to comment I do appreciate! I dont think the stress caused the miscarriage but honestly I dont know. I have a dr appt next week because Im having a really hard time with depression. I think because of the miscarriage and because of the marriage. When we were at beach it was so hard to see babies and families. I broke down daily, though I do it in shower so nobody can see or hear.

 

Im trying to be patient with hubby. I do feel a lot of remorse because I know If I had just told him the truth he would of been there but I just didnt.

Patience is one thing I dont have. I guess I feel like if he really still cared hed try to work it out and that is where I am now with it tet to scared to confront him because I was trying to stay to the 180 of not talking about it or bringing it up unless he does

[xenomorph]

I know I said this before in your situation, but he sounds like a self absorbed jerkface. It's your body, not his. He doesn't own it. Whoops, you *may* have made a mistake not getting bloodwork, and not telling him was a boo boo. I don't see this as a major betrayal (an annoyance if anything).

 

Instead of talking things out with you and being caring and being THANKFUL that you're still ok after this, he's acting like a little B (excuse my suggestive language).

 

His little "taking on/off" wedding band game is a control tactic. He's guilt tripping you and making you believe that this is somehow all your fault and that you're "wrong". You didn't kick his puppy! YOU need comfort, support and understanding.

 

He just sounds... manipulative and passive aggressive.

 

Have you both gone to counseling at all?

[AllieKat]

I've been in counseling since we had first had an issue in April! He refuses to go however after we made up in April he did say hed go with me if I wanted him to. At the time I was really working hard on my issues from childhood and told him let me work on my things for a but then we can go together..

[tojaz]

I've been in counseling since we had first had an issue in April! He refuses to go however after we made up in April he did say hed go with me if I wanted him to. At the time I was really working hard on my issues from childhood and told him let me work on my things for a but then we can go together..

 

Have you asked him to go since then? If he is willing, take him up on the offer. A third party in the room can shed a lot of light on this, and hes not going to give you the same treatment he has been in a counselors office.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I did ask and he ofcourse refused! He said there was nothing to work out!

[trippi1432]

Perhaps this is the time to back up and ask just why you told him twice in one year that you wanted a divorce Allie. You have said a few times that it was nothing...your fault, was it? Or is there more to that story?

 

You also painted him as a wonderful, caring man for 9 years who took in your daughter and loved her like his own, until you started talking to his co-workers and mutual friends about how he was no longer being a father to your daughter, then he blocked you on Facebook.

 

Again, I will play devil's advocate....the lie was not so much about the blood work, it was more that in a state of panic, he took the day to try and be with you when you never really went to the hospital hun. When he asked for the doctor's note to show to his work, you couldn't produce it. It was a bad time, that I understand, I've been there too and had a miscarriage during a stressful time with an exH, lost my job in the process for being out to recover for a D&C, and was left on hospital curb until he picked me up. Three ectopic pregnancies are not easy, but he cared for you through two...he didn't get the chance to with this one, but you are kicking him in this post to the "curb" when I suspect he would have been if you had been honest, unless he has been the person you are now painting all this time and did not want to admit?

 

I wonder, reading between the lines, a man who can love someone else's child as much as you have stated the he did prior to all of this, is not just as hurt that for the third time he still is not a father. Not your fault, please understand that. How can it not be just as disappointing to him as it is to you? To me, a lot of the things you have posted shows me a man who is just as hurt as you, and the 180 is not designed to lift your pride for control when someone else is hurt. If that were the case, unfaithful people would use it to make themselves feel better, he**, maybe they do here for that matter.

 

I haven't seen you post about counseling since the miscarriage and you never answered my question on your other thread if you were still going, so I assumed you weren't. The simple fact is: Pride cometh before the fall.

 

You can start new threads to gain comrades of those who have been hurt before...really hurt. But if you have a good man, who really loved you, as YOU yourself stated he was, it might be a time to look at yourself and start to understand him as much as you want him to understand you.

 

So..you entitled this thread as Forgiveness...it won't start until you really see his side and he sees yours. That becomes Understanding, and eventually Forgiveness follows.

 

That's my 2 cents, perhaps not worth a hill of beans, but I read between the lines and am not the most favorable advice giver since I believe people should be accountable, honest and just be loved for who they are. Well, okay..until they are unfaithful.

[AllieKat]

Umm dont know where to start with you on this trip but I'll make it simple! You have things very confused! Thats fine its your opinion but dont assume you have things figured out. I also have been going to counseling since the miscarriage! Honestly I am entitled to post a thread about forgiveness if you dont like it dont read it or if you have nothing to offer but negative dont waste your time. Geez

[Yasuandio]

Allie,

 

Ms. Trippie raised valid points, I'm disappointed to see you blow her off like you did. Furthermore, Tripp's reponse is extremely detailed - and incorporates an analysis of all three threads you have started recently. She is a respected vet here on LS, and I think you should be mindful of the time it takes to go back and forth to accomplish a post such as her's - even if it stings a bit. Sometimes good medicine is hard to swallow.

 

As you can see at the beginning of the two new threads you have started, changing context, and leaving out details does little to get your issues addressed. The questions will still come from posters about the background, and you enividitably are forced to repeat the same story again.

 

I'm telling you this in a good faith effort to assist you in getting the most assistance possible on LS, not to agitate you. Please re-read Ms. Trippi's post. She has been where you have with miscarriage of a baby - and too, miscarriage of justice with the father. She can empathize with you - and simulaniously assist you in "getting real" about an unfortunate situation you created and/or contributed to yourself. What better advisor could you come upon, really? For your consideration, Yas

[Steen719]

Allie,

 

Ms. Trippie raised valid points, I'm disappointed to see you blow her off like you did. Furthermore, Tripp's reponse is extremely detailed - and incorporates an analysis of all three threads you have started recently. She is a respected vet here on LS, and I think you should be mindful of the time it takes to go back and forth to accomplish a post such as her's - even if it stings a bit. Sometimes good medicine is hard to swallow.

 

As you can see at the beginning of the two new threads you have started, changing context, and leaving out details does little to get your issues addressed. The questions will still come from posters about the background, and you enividitably are forced to repeat the same story again.

 

I'm telling you this in a good faith effort to assist you in getting the most assistance possible on LS, not to agitate you. Please re-read Ms. Trippi's post. She has been where you have with miscarriage of a baby - and too, miscarriage of justice with the father. She can empathize with you - and simulaniously assist you in "getting real" about an unfortunate situation you created and/or contributed to yourself. What better advisor could you come upon, really? For your consideration, Yas

 

^^^^^ What she said ^^^^^

[AllieKat]

Honestly if she didnt have things screwed up I wouldnt of been so offended! If your going to give valid points they should come with valid facts!! I never said i was kicking hubby to curb!! And hubby didnt stop paying attention to daughter because I called his friends! Trip had the info she read wrong! Sorry regardless of being a vet on here or not if she got her facts wrong, shes wrong! Dont like me? Dont like my posts about MY story its simple dont read

[tojaz]

Honestly if she didnt have things screwed up I wouldnt of been so offended! If your going to give valid points they should come with valid facts!! I never said i was kicking hubby to curb!! And hubby didnt stop paying attention to daughter because I called his friends! Trip had the info she read wrong! Sorry regardless of being a vet on here or not if she got her facts wrong, shes wrong! Dont like me? Dont like my posts about MY story its simple dont read

 

Easy easy. I know your frustrated Allie, but slow down a bit and read what people are writing you for what it is.

 

It takes a lot to be able to follow posts here and keep the facts straight. While you are intimately familiar with the details many of the people that come here to try and help others follow multiple posts at the same time and it gets to be taxing and it can be difficult to keep the stories 100% true to the details.

 

Keep in mind that the people that come here to help are not paid or compensated in any way, they do it for no other reason then to help others, if you don't agree with the advice given at least the respect the effort someone took to post for no other reason then to help you.

 

Trippi is a friend and she has a lot to offer a post. She does have some of the details mistaken, but she does have some valid points as well and one of the key things is that you have played a role in creating your current situation. While most of my posts have been directed toward ways for you to be able to communicate with your H. What Trippi has mentioned are concerns that WILL have to be addressed between the two of you should you receive the opportunity and should definitely be addressed for yourself.

 

The miscarriage plays little part in your situation even though you focus on his actions at that time. You were heading down the D trail before you found out you were pregnant due to your own threats of divorce. The pregnancy spurred him to re engage in the relationship, until the miscarriage, but that was not what prompted his current state but your keeping information from him and that set him back to a condition that was present before the pregnancy.

 

So Allie, the hard question. You get your wish, hubby walks in and wants to have a heart felt sit down about what has happened and how the two of you have gotten here. What now? What do you say? What is yours to own? most importantly what will have to be changed?

 

I think you know that I believe there is something salvageable here and yes a lot is riding on him coming back to the table, but that is just a starting point to a very long road of both of you owning what is yours.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Doesnt matter much anyway anymore, we talked tonight and he said he cant get passed this and he wants a divorce, Ive done all I could. I told him I was sorry for hurting him and I loved him. He said he isnt guarenteed this wont happen again and hes just not willing to go through this again so hes decided hes done. He said he knew I didnt lie to hurt him but it comes to soon after the last tiff.

 

So its over! Im heartbroken but I cant make him change his mind or forgive me and move on

[Yasuandio]

At the beginning of this and other threads, I believe I have suggested to refrain from constant apologies, and demonstrate remorse through actions and nonactions of inappropriate behavior. Admitedly - impulsiveness gets an upper hand - a chat gets initiated, by Allie, that ends in an unfavorable way. Then, Allie throw her hands up. Does this sound familiar?

 

This man doesn't want to hear or talk about "it." You gotta zip your lip, my dear. I have a feeling, when the "chat" doesn't go your way - you might respond as you did to Trippi, and then -- in your last post (e.g., it's all over anyway...).

 

Before the "pregancy/non-disclosure miscarriage/blood test lie by ommision" occurred, what were the curcumstances that lead to the positive communication that began the healing process with husband after the "divorce threats" he found so intimidating? Did he come to you to discuss? Was the discussion spontanious?

 

I am hoping a simiial set of curcumstances might present themselves if you avoid coping an attitude, since you haven't gotten your way with the multiple apology routine.

 

You have received tons of great posts here. Your husband is acting like a "douch bag" for a reason. Rather than focus on the negative characterizations of him in the posts, (which may be helpful to get off your chest when your angry and hurt), perhaps follow up on some of the straight up suggestions. I know I list several.

 

For instance, you can take control, and draw the line on inappropriate conduct in the home (ignoring daughter, arriving at irregular hours, etc). That is not the behavior of a married man. And it is not appropriate punishment for you telling a lie - especially when you did come forward with the truth.

 

Your health concerns need to be addressed - and his conduct as you descibe it - is also unacceptable. These are the areas where it makes sence to speak up, and draw the line. Rather than have these apology discussions. Your lie is over and done with now. Done and finished.

 

Again, please review all the posts - and come up with a reasonable plan. Forcing your husband to grant you forgivness or whatever you are extending these multiple apologies for is just pushing hime away - and into a corner. Is it possible you are trying to do on purpose, subconsciously? If so, you are doing a hell of a good job. Do you want to be abandoned? Only you know the answer. For your consideration, Yas

[AllieKat]

He iniated convo. It was basically him telling me when he would start job and I needed to get my own insurance. I asked why and he stamerred around and finally said he wants to file bankruptcy then " you know" i said what is "you know" and he finally said get a divorce. I said are you unwilling to try counseling? He said no i wont go, then he went into how Ive hurt him 3 times in the last 14 months and he cant do it anymore. He said last time he found the forgiveness and pushed himself through it before I announced I was even preggo but hes not doing it again. He said i hurt him and he doesnt even think i love him.

 

I told him i love him very much and I was sorry about hurting him, he said he has no guarantees its not going to happen again and my word doesnt mean anything anymore. He said I knew how serious it was to get the bloodwork done and i just skipped it! He said that was a life and death decision i made without him. He said this is not easy for him but he says this relationship isnt going in a healthy direction.

 

I did tell him what things were unacceptable( coming home late, ignoring daughter, not communicating.etc) He told me im in position to tell him what is acceptable. He turned really red in the face towards the end like he was going to cry and he just stared at me with such a hurt look, then he left and came back 2 1/2 hours later.

 

I really want my marriage but seems like hes made his mind up! I do appreciate all the advice but to be honest with everyone Im in a fragile state and am very depressed so I do feel ganged up on and I guess I feel like some posts are trying to be hurtful and the last thing I need is right now is more negative

[Yasuandio]

No one is ganging up on you. We are trying to point out your impulsiveness (recent example -- your response to Trippi), and your pattern of repeating behaviors and actions that DO NOT WORK.

 

For example, latest report above, "I told him I love him very much and was sorry about hurting him." Again, please stop what is not working. To him, and even to me, it sounds like a broken record. The more times you say it, the less validity it has.

 

When he said, "you know," it suggested, possibly, a wee bit of uncertainty. But you hammered him for a specific. You needed to hear him say the word divorce, you pushed the envelope on that one. I think you should stop asking questions right now.

 

I believe the most positive response you received was when you stated the conduct that was expected in the home, as well as the behaviors that are unacceptable. His emotion showed when you changed your strategy and aligned your bounderies with real world expectations. He has done same with you.

 

Now, when boundaries are crossed, there are consequences. It appears that, up until now, some the consequences he has dished out to you have crossed normal marital boundaries - and has entered into punishment unbecoming to a husband. You stated your expectations, and if he cannot conduct himself in a normal fashion, then he may need some "time out." Or - his codify could very well indicate he has already checked out for now, or for good.

 

This was a risk you took when you threatened the man's security, and was dishonest about the miscarriage/bloodwork matter.

 

Now, on the other hand, you have given this man fair warning. If he continues to isolate himself from your daughter (confusion she certainly does not need); stays out all night or days at a time; is hostile in the home, refuses to eat with the family - if that is what you are in the custom of doing - then, there can be consequences. But only you can apply them.

 

I'd say daughter is number one on the list. One more step in the wrong direction - and wammo. There is no talking anymore either, Allie. Basic common decency towards your daughter and yourself, and in the home in a given - whether he is angry or hurt by you or not.

 

If you have gone so far with your previous misdeeds, and he wants a divorce, then he needs to tell you, with his own words, pack his stuff and leave. This is a situation where he has already demonstrated he is willing to take his issues with you out on your daughter - that is why - if a divorce is what he actually intends to file, he must put his money where his mouth is and leave.

 

Don't do it for him. Just stick to the expectations you have at the homefront, period. Get to the doctor asap. You may need medication for depression and/or anxiety, and too, be aware that these illnesses can distort your perceptions.

 

Again - there is no reason for any of the LS folks to gang up on you. Your perception is off. Many like myself, Trippi, Tojaz, Steen, xenomorph, and others don't go a day without checking on you. I check your thread sometimes more than once a day. Ask yourself why people that do not have any stake in you or your life or business would bother. Do you think we are all just out to gang up on you, really? Don't you think that would be kind of mean spirited?

 

I know what it is like to make mistakes, Allie. I have also made many serious mistakes, Allie. Many of the mistakes I did not handle properly either. You are not alone. Yas

 

Here is where you will find your answers. You may not like the answer - but you will learn it.

[tojaz]

Allie, I think I can say that i have always given it to you straight and as honest as I could. So here it is bare. Allie, I tell a lot of the people I chose to post to to "learn from my mistakes". I probably even said it to you at some point. I can't think of any better way to learn then to hear it from the mouth (or keyboard) of someone that f**ked it up.

 

I played it like you have been playing it Allie, I couldn't hold that line, I couldn't look her in the eye and not want to beg and plead not to lose her, apologize for anything and everything under the sun, tell her i loved her like she just hadn't heard me..... and next month will mark 3 years that I have been divorced. IT DOESN'T WORK! Worst of all Allie, it will damage you in the process because in trying desperately to save something at all cost, you can and will give up far more then you should and it is hard to get back. Remember many people telling you that 180 is for you and not for him? Thats what they're talking about.

 

You can love him without losing yourself Allie, you can hold the line of how you and your child deserve to be treated without closing a door.

 

I did tell him what things were unacceptable( coming home late, ignoring daughter, not communicating.etc) He told me im in position to tell him what is acceptable.

 

Start here Allie. Just like Yas said (great post Yas!) The line has been set, he wants to check in and out of this as he sees fit, then you have the same right. He wants to stay out to all hours? let him come home to a locked door. He wants to ignore daughter? then he can leave, he has no right to share a home with her. He can't communicate? Then you are free to act on whatever assumption you like. Hes right, your in no position to tell him what is and isn't acceptable. SO SHOW HIM!

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

Dear Allie,

 

I agree with Tojaz - you might benifit from the mistakes of your advisors here. I'm going to tell you a long story. I don't want you to make the same mistakes as I did. I would venture to say that many of your posters are real people that have been there in some way or fashion - we are not blowing smoke up your arse.

 

I knew there was trouble in my marriage, and due to my disability, I had been to see an attorney I was frightened, he was just getting meaner and more hostile as things were becoming better and better in our lives. We had finially reached his life goal to own his own restaurant - and we bought the major franchise restaurant he had made so successful as a manager for the previous ten years. We had just purchased our third property, in a lovely upscale neighborhood down the street from the store.

 

When we were on what I thought was a vacation that was going extremely well, a major disaster occurred. My husband became irrationally angry at me, pulled over to the side of the road, in a small village in Greece (his home country). He started screaming the most hurtful, painful remarks that cut into my very heart and soul. I had no idea how he viewed me, how he despiesed me, was disgusted by the sight of me. He had never told me these thoughts, opinions, regrets, disappointment in me. With his humilating words, accusations, tone... he publically, and hatefully shamed me, deeply, to my inner most human core. He retrieved my bag and slung it in my face, nearly knocking me over, then got in the rental car, and drove away. It was around 6pm, there were no banks in this little seaside village, and there I stood - with only $400US, no glasses, no medication, no proper shoes, and a cell phone on the fritz.

 

Sidebar. What is really sad is that it was the second time I had let this happen (he abandoned me in the Greek airport on arrival for our vacation two years earlier). Thank goodness I was prepared with working credit cards this go round, which saved my skin.

 

The tounge lashing, and subsequent abandonment put me in a state of shock, that took some time to recover from. In other words, I did not come home this time. I stayed in Greece during the remainder of fall and through the winter, whilst staying in touch with my doctor on a weekly basis. No word from him - and I did not contact him. Eventually, he started calling my mom and friends trying to find out where I was. When I saw he was removing my name off the financials, I came home.

 

When I got home, I was really surprised. He went from being the meanest devil on this planet, to becoming the kindest, sweetest gentleman - that wanted me so badly once he had finially lost me. That lasted less than three days. Once he had me back again, he still did not want me. He threatened me with divorce, and indeed had a lawyer. He even had been in Greece with private investigators while I was making my way back home. Guess we "missed" each other.

 

When we discussed divorce after our initial "honeymoon" phase, I was so dumb to inform husband about advantages of filing first, as I thought things were ok. He promised me we would do a coin toss to decide. The next afternoon he tells me he definently needed to get a divorce. I'm like, "What?!?!" "You just asked me to perform this and that (fill-in-blank), and I spent the whole morning looking for your GD franchise agreement papers for you -- and now you're telling me I'm gonna receive divorce papers? What the heck happened with the coin toss??" Duh.

 

Therefore, Allie, the minute I heard the word divorce, and I actually believed it to be true, husband was out the door in one hot second - period. I sounded like a female Gordon Ramsey: "Get Out!" The very next moment my finger was dialing my attorney, and I was in the car zooming to her office to put down the retainer of 20G on my American Express, and sign divorce papers. On my way home, I stopped off at WALMART, and picked up a digital tape recorder, which came in handy that very evening. My papers were filed with the court at 8am the next morning.

 

Can you believe I was tearing apart the house looking for those franchise agreement papers so he could provide them to his attorney! And then I am a damn service station when he finishes his appointment with his attorney. Oh, dear, as Chef says, "F### me!"

 

Supposedly, the trial for our divorce has been re-set for August 20. The divorce was filed in December of 2008. It is a huge, financial disaster. It doesn't matter how fabulous you lawyer is if your husband wants to be a jerk.

 

I do not have children, and am not a child of divorce. But this I can say for sure. The process of divorce really screws with your mind when you are an adult. You have your daughter to think about, first and foremost. I recall a wise poster telling you to "put the oxigen mask on first, then put put the mask on the child." IOW, Ms. Allie, you don't have the luxury to be a dumb a$$ like I was for 27 years. You do not have time to fool around, questioning motives, and being a crybaby. You got to wake up! Do not be naive like I was, and remain in so many ways.

 

If you have any doubt about the post(s) you read, go and read the history of the poster. See their original story. These stories will steady you - you will see stories that are 1000 times worse than your's. As one well known LS vet put it, to effect, "visit a cancer ward, and shake hands with folks ready to take a permanent dirt nap."

 

I cannot think of the author, it's from a Popular TV series, I think, plus I altered this quote so that I could remember it. It goes something like this: Divorce, and/or the threat of divorce is war. To get through it, "....you must accept the fact that you are already dead. That is the only way a soldier can carry out the duty a soldier is trained to carry out. In war there is no mercy, no compassion, no remorse." (That is so not me!).

 

Anyway, someone will know where I got this from, I just cannot think of it right now.

 

I will tell you the God honest truth - I am petrified. I still love my husband. Or at least I think I do. I am afraid to be alone, especially with this bizarre illness (bi-polar 2). But I really was alone when he was here. I would give anything for this not to be happening. But it is. And there is nothing I can control except myself - and that is not easy many times. I am mortified by the upcoming trial. I feel very hopeless much of the time about what the future holds. At the same time, I have some days that I feel like myself again, like my spirit is returning. Others have seen this, especially my mother.

 

Normally, when I write a long manic post, I've customarily deleated it. Or it just deleats itself like it's meant to be. But I am going to push the submit button. Please forgive the spelling. And I hope and pray that you become the strongest soldier - and you do what you gotta do, dead or alive. Yas

 

PS. I think I need to start my own thread.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

Im very sorry for what you've gone through and what your going through thats awful!

 

Its hard to think someone who "loved us" can become so different.

 

I'm honestly not ready to face or accept divorce( big surprise right?...lol)

You know deep down I just want everyone to say it will be ok, though nobody knows.

 

Yesterday, i went to a picnic with daughter with good friends and i had a breakdown and decided to leave. I let my daughter stay so she could have fun and not have to see me like that. Upon driving home i had a dizzy spell/blackout and almost wrecked my car. My hand, arm and leg went completely numb. I pulled over quickly and dialed 911. Ambulance came and took me to er. While there I decided to text hubby to let him know car was on side of road and i coukdnt drive it because i had numbness and i had to leave it but I would have someone help me get it later. I figured he had a right to now since its his car too. His response was "WTF you cant just leave a car on the side of the road, it will get towed, I will get it" i responded back that i was almost in a wreck and ambulance took me that i had no choice but to leave it. He asked where i was and i said ER, then he asked where daughter was and i told him and he said do you need me to pick her up? I said no she was having fun. He said well let me know when your done and ill pick you up and whatever the arrangements are i can pick her up anytime.

 

He never asked if i was ok or needed anything! When i was done he picked me up and went to get my daughter. I guess hell do the bare min to help but Im started to realize he just honestly may not care any longer. Its hard for me cause hes honestly done a 180 literally from the guy I used to know.

 

I will attempt to keep my mouth shut and stop asking him questions but he didnt seem to care when i kept quiet either. Nothing seems to help with this