Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

@steen i think hes pretty much already said and i guess i had hoped he change his mind till july. But truth is i cant do the roomate thing, hes my husband and my dd knows that and this living like roomates isnt working its killing me and its not fair to me or dd. its not my responsibility if he cant afford to live on his own. I cant afford it either but id rather do that then be treated like a roomate

[AllieKat]

@ Yas...Yeah i did. And since that talk we have at all and i have stop accusing him and picking fights. And he has been more talkative and has started doubg things here and there he used to. Those are the only changes ive noticed!

 

 

He just told me if he sits with me at daughters game today its like saying what i did to him was ok

[AllieKat]

We just had words over phone. And when he gets home im going to talk to him. I dont want to but honestly its time i guess we lay it all out. I cant do this! I had sent him a text asking him if he was sitting with the nosey lady and her hubby and he fired back a real ****ty text telling me to worry about myself and he sit where he feels like it. So i called him and asked why so angry? He got ****ty and said why shouldnt he sit with them and he said about that if he sits witg me its like saying its ok what i did

 

 

So we need to talk and get this worked out one way or another

[Yasuandio]

Be cautious. It sounds like a bratty fight brewing. Keep your cool. You need to thin about how to approach a man when it come to "a talk." That is never a good thing to say - that is "We need to talk." It automatically turns his light red. It's a man thing.

 

Stay off the phone. Let him sit where he desires. Take care of this at a regular, thoughtful pace - NOT reactionary mode. Calm, cool, collected. Don't freak out and lose control now. Keep it together as a model for your daughter. Show her how to terminate a negative situation propery, if that is what you determine need to be done. But cool off for now. At least give Tojaz a chance to weigh in, girl. Yas

[AllieKat]

I suggested MC and he refused. I have seen 2 counselors. I just dont feel luke hes showing any signs he still cares.

[AllieKat]

This is actually month 4! He hasnt filed or even talked to a lawyer!

[AllieKat]

I havent filed either and i wont. If he wants this he can file. Wearent seperated he still lives here, he doesnt sleep ib the same bed though

[AllieKat]

Anyone out there right now? Im about to confront hubby. He wasnt very nice and im sticking up for allie right now! I did hurt him but i dont deserve to be ignored or spoken to like crap just because he doesnt like what im saying. I was nice and he got nasty back. It seems that not only do i get punished for lying i get punished for telling the truth with him. I cant go on this way, football seems more important than anything and i dont deserve it. So im standing up for me and im sure it wont go well but i will remain calm and respectfulwhen i talk to him. I wont let him have see me other than the classy lady he married its just worth it. Dd is at friends overnight so it the perfect chance to end things. Thats not what i want but its clear he does so he needs to go. I refuse to ho through another 4 mths if this just because he can do it. I dont deserve to be treated or ignored every other day. Any last minute advice

[Steen719]

Start out by telling him how you love him and you want to fight for your marriage and ask him to commit to that. Tell him you are sorry for what you did and that you understand how it hurt him and that you would like the chance to get through it TOGETHER.

 

Make it clear, crystal clear, that you want to stay married and that anything less hurts like hell. Ask him to give your marriage the chance to heal in a real way.......and.......

 

if he is not willing, then you must decide what you want, Allie. Limbo is such a hard place to be, but it may be that you think it is better than leaving him. If it is, then accept it and go on and quit worrying and obsessing about every little nuance. If it is not, tell him.

 

Make sure he knows your feelings.

 

Good luck - these are just my feelings and it may not be what you want to do.

[ace5950]

Anyone out there right now? Im about to confront hubby. He wasnt very nice and im sticking up for allie right now! I did hurt him but i dont deserve to be ignored or spoken to like crap just because he doesnt like what im saying. I was nice and he got nasty back. It seems that not only do i get punished for lying i get punished for telling the truth with him. I cant go on this way, football seems more important than anything and i dont deserve it. So im standing up for me and im sure it wont go well but i will remain calm and respectfulwhen i talk to him. I wont let him have see me other than the classy lady he married its just worth it. Dd is at friends overnight so it the perfect chance to end things. Thats not what i want but its clear he does so he needs to go. I refuse to ho through another 4 mths if this just because he can do it. I dont deserve to be treated or ignored every other day. Any last minute advice

 

 

I'm proud of you Allie. I've been following your post since the begining. I let me ex treat me like crap for years. When I finally stood up for myself he was confused and it only made him more mad but it was work it. You're right. You may have lied but how long should your punishment go on? This is no way for you to live and you deserve better.

[tojaz]

Allie, If I'm not too late, calm down! I know I'm late to the party and I haven't had a chance to get caught up on the day.

 

Acting out of anger has not served you well in the past, a calm well thought out approach has been doing you well.

 

More once I have had a chance to read through the events of the day.

 

TOJAZ

[MsOptimist]

I've been following your thread and I think you should stick up for yourself. Yes be clear what you want - I know you want to save the marriage, but it doesn't sound to me like he wants to. Ask him if he's willing to put forth the effort to save it. If he's not, concentrate on moving forward without him.

 

I wanted to try to save my marriage and my husband did not. He refused counseling and was not open to trying. As much as it hurt like hell, I realized I had to let go and move forward. And as ace said, as the days continue to pass, I'm realizing more and more that he didn't treat me right and I deserve better.

 

You deserve better too. You don't need to be walking on eggshells all the time and trying to figure out his every move. That's no way to live. You will find your strength and be there for your daughter. How he is acting is also not a good example for your daughter.

[AllieKat]

Well things didnt go well as I figured. I was calm and respectfut but he was not. He brought up my lies and I explained them AGAIN. He got mad and screamed FU in my face several times and i asked him to calm down then he got up from couch where we were sitting and went in room saying i hope you dont want anything in here, i said to him stop as he was rooting through my stuff, he slammed door in my face and had a really scary look in his eyes. I called cops then he opened door so i could see him stealing my jewelry and then he threw my purse and punched my vanity enough to break it, cops heard him breaking stuff and told me to get out of house

 

I went outside till they came but they couldnt do a thing except to advise him to go he refused so i left for the night. He told cop he cant offered to move out. That is crap! I offered him tonight a way out of the lease he refused it. I told him that im doing whats best for Dd and this arrangement is hurting her, she cries cause he wont bother with her. He said he wont let me leave because hell tell apt that i broke lease. I explained to him that they dont care whose here as long as rents being paid. And that they arent going to do anything to me if i leave unless he doesnt pay. So basically he doesnt want to be with me but wont leave and doesnt want me to leave. He makes no sense but he did tell cop hes done with me and told me that too. So as much as it hurts i guess its offically over

[tojaz]

Tojaz, what do you think? Could Allie simply ask hubby if his position has changed about divorce, so she may have some relief from this "not knowing" situation? I mean, just one simple, yes/no question. Thoughts? Yas

 

I would say no solely based on his actions in the past, the one thing that has gotten him seeing red faster then anything has been when he felt he was backed into a corner. If asked straight out, he would answer from a defensive posture as he always has before and reply in the negative off of pure instinct and self preservation... as he has put it.

 

I don't really see this situation ending in the grand epiphany that we all hope for on LS. Allies H is a slow mover and very stubborn. His defenses are thick, well prepared and have a hair trigger, which is why i have suggested a subtler approach.

 

You have to let him set the pace Allie, there have been some positive gestures and that is how he does that, move to fast and he hits the breaks. He will be constantly on guard and looking for a reason to halt but you have to constantly test the boundaries just to know where you stand. Thats not fair to you Allie, but nothing in these situations ever is.

 

Subtlety is the key Allie, just like the porch light and litter box meant something greater to you, there are things that will get through to him in the same way. Something that tests those boundaries, lets him know how you feel, but avoids direct confrontation which he is much more prepared for then you, so he will lash out and try to start something when he is in a situation where he feels at a disadvantage. Your best play is to stay calm and collected and let him look like a drooling lunatic hurling insults and obscenities so he can see how far he's pushed. Thats not something hes going to put on a billboard for you though Allie, you have to just trust your actions and maintain.

 

The best reactions you have received have been when you pushed the divorce. Asking him to divide assets, start toward filing bankruptcy, and that you had to learn to maintain the car on your own. These were all things that stopped him in his tracks and made him think about the situation for what it really is. Theres nothing there for him to fight but himself. Thats the kind of play you need to be making, he knows you, theres nothing new your going to show him, he needs to look at himself.

 

I had sent him a text asking him if he was sitting with the nosey lady and her hubby and he fired back a real ****ty text telling me to worry about myself and he sit where he feels like it. So i called him and asked why so angry? He got ****ty and said why shouldnt he sit with them and he said about that if he sits witg me its like saying its ok what i did

This was a mistake and you picking a fight because you wanted more interaction with him. You know where he sits and you probably had a good idea how he would respond. This isn't your game Allie, its his and you have to stop playing it. Every time you do, it reinforces that negative image ha has created and moves you one step closer to the big D

Take it from someone who Fu***d it up! Learn from my mistakes.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Well things didnt go well as I figured. I was calm and respectfut but he was not. He brought up my lies and I explained them AGAIN. He got mad and screamed FU in my face several times and i asked him to calm down then he got up from couch where we were sitting and went in room saying i hope you dont want anything in here, i said to him stop as he was rooting through my stuff, he slammed door in my face and had a really scary look in his eyes. I called cops then he opened door so i could see him stealing my jewelry and then he threw my purse and punched my vanity enough to break it, cops heard him breaking stuff and told me to get out of house

 

I went outside till they came but they couldnt do a thing except to advise him to go he refused so i left for the night. He told cop he cant offered to move out. That is crap! I offered him tonight a way out of the lease he refused it. I told him that im doing whats best for Dd and this arrangement is hurting her, she cries cause he wont bother with her. He said he wont let me leave because hell tell apt that i broke lease. I explained to him that they dont care whose here as long as rents being paid. And that they arent going to do anything to me if i leave unless he doesnt pay. So basically he doesnt want to be with me but wont leave and doesnt want me to leave. He makes no sense but he did tell cop hes done with me and told me that too. So as much as it hurts i guess its offically over

 

Get a police report!

 

He will most likely apologize for his outburst, just let him without any response positive or negative.

 

Confide in your friends what just happened, especially the gossip.

 

Catalog your belongings in case he tries something like this again, no need to do that on the sly.

 

QUIT GIVING HIM A TARGET FOR HIS ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TOJAZ

[Steen719]

I guess I just wonder how long she is supposed to sit around acting happy, content with the little things he is doing for her with the car, but being afraid to talk about anything more than surface issues. I don't think what she did was right (the initial problem), but neither do I think she should let her every single move be based on what he might like or not like. Every little kindness he shows her ends up to her being a gesture that might lead to reconciliation. He has all of the power in the relationship and she is sitting there holding her breath to not upset him or the apple cart. That is so destructive for a person's self-worth. She should not be punished forever for her mistakes and he is doing so. She is waiting for little crumbs of affection and some sign that he really does not want the divorce he said he does. How demoralizing is that? And then when the chips were down, he was concerned AGAIN about the rent.

 

Idk, I am just giving my opinion here and I know there are as many opinions as there are posters, but her situation seems just so sad and she just keeps trying.

 

I know this is not what you have said, Tojaz, but on my limited knowledge of the situation, it is what I believe.

[AllieKat]

This just stinks for sure! I sent him a text i know i shouldnt and said please please just leave for dd sake please! But he texted me back to stop texting him about negative stuff! I dont get him!

[tojaz]

I guess I just wonder how long she is supposed to sit around acting happy, content with the little things he is doing for her with the car, but being afraid to talk about anything more than surface issues. I don't think what she did was right (the initial problem), but neither do I think she should let her every single move be based on what he might like or not like. Every little kindness he shows her ends up to her being a gesture that might lead to reconciliation. He has all of the power in the relationship and she is sitting there holding her breath to not upset him or the apple cart. That is so destructive for a person's self-worth. She should not be punished forever for her mistakes and he is doing so. She is waiting for little crumbs of affection and some sign that he really does not want the divorce he said he does. How demoralizing is that? And then when the chips were down, he was concerned AGAIN about the rent.

 

Idk, I am just giving my opinion here and I know there are as many opinions as there are posters, but her situation seems just so sad and she just keeps trying.

 

I know this is not what you have said, Tojaz, but on my limited knowledge of the situation, it is what I believe.

 

I agree with all of what you have said Steen, but i would never suggest that she play happy or content with her current situation and have commented my self on her picking up crumbs.

 

I give the advice Allie asks for and she has been trying to save her marriage. The facts of how he has been treating her has not escaped me, but from her telling those actions are only within the context of divorce and not in his character as a whole. If they were, I would be begging her to run for the hills, a position I am still contemplating due to his recent violent outburst.

 

Your right he does hold all the power in the relationship, but a big part of that has been her willingness to give it up. Conflict and confrontation has done nothing but serve to help him reinforce and demonstrate that dominance so I offer what i have in a way of remaining proactive but avoiding those situations in the hopes that more balanced and productive communication can develop.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I decided to come home, only to find hes not here but the computer was left up and he did a search for locksmith ... I imagine it has to do with his car because i threatened him tonight that he needs to give me a key to his car or give me back the one he has for mine, its fair! Not sure why hed leave though to go see one? Its 11pm here so really good knows where he is. Btw he took his wedding band back? Really weird huh?

[Steen719]

I agree with all of what you have said Steen, but i would never suggest that she play happy or content with her current situation and have commented my self on her picking up crumbs.

 

I give the advice Allie asks for and she has been trying to save her marriage. The facts of how he has been treating her has not escaped me, but from her telling those actions are only within the context of divorce and not in his character as a whole. If they were, I would be begging her to run for the hills, a position I am still contemplating due to his recent violent outburst.

 

Your right he does hold all the power in the relationship, but a big part of that has been her willingness to give it up. Conflict and confrontation has done nothing but serve to help him reinforce and demonstrate that dominance so I offer what i have in a way of remaining proactive but avoiding those situations in the hopes that more balanced and productive communication can develop.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes, true, she has and it has garnered her nothing, really, just some crumbs. Abraham Lincoln said something like this "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character give him power" :

 

I think that says it right. Look at what he has done with the power, stringing her right along.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Steen719

[trippi1432]

I'm just hitting likes on the threads that caught my attention as the threads moved faster than my weekend. The rest of what I think........................................................... there ya go.

[tojaz]

Yes, true, she has and it has garnered her nothing, really, just some crumbs. Abraham Lincoln said something like this "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character give him power" :

 

I think that says it right. Look at what he has done with the power, stringing her right along.

 

This makes my 158th post in this thread, how he has been treating her has not eluded me.

[tojaz]

I decided to come home, only to find hes not here but the computer was left up and he did a search for locksmith ... I imagine it has to do with his car because i threatened him tonight that he needs to give me a key to his car or give me back the one he has for mine, its fair! Not sure why hed leave though to go see one? Its 11pm here so really good knows where he is. Btw he took his wedding band back? Really weird huh?

 

Nothing about this situation has been normal as far as he is concerned Allie. That has been by design, almost every move he has made has been able to be interpreted a number of ways, and this is no different.

 

So where would you like to go from here?

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Get a police report!

 

He will most likely apologize for his outburst, just let him without any response positive or negative.

 

Confide in your friends what just happened, especially the gossip.

 

Catalog your belongings in case he tries something like this again, no need to do that on the sly.

 

QUIT GIVING HIM A TARGET FOR HIS ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TOJAZ

 

Question....Is that something Allie should do? Would that not just raise more drama and wouldn't that just make her a target for more anger? Confiding in the gossipers to begin with was a nail in the coffin of this marriage, not that she knew that then, but does now. So are you saying to use that against him to tarnish him and re-establish her reputation?

 

I agree this latest interaction went a bit too far, but it's not just one person here, it's both. My advice would be to separate and put some distance to the situation. As far as DD goes, and if I were in this situation with my child, I would be taking my power back as the Mom and tell him he has no reason to come to her games or be on the board for her athletics. I mean, if he is ignoring her at home to the point of the child noticing and crying about it, why is he even bothering in participating at her events? This must be confusing to the DD.

[AllieKat]

Ty all for takingyour time to help. Things keep getting weirder. Last night early am i went out on couch cause i couldnt sleep so i felt the need to stir the pot. What ended up happening was him sitting right next to me with his arm around me trying to annoy me. He said i looked pretty and smelled good. So i said ok bluffer im going back in my room now your to close so he followed me and he laid down in bed with me and tried cuddling just to annoy me. I said heck we should just have sex he said why not and guess what we did!

 

It was strange cause he was telling me how beautiful i was and calling me babe and other nice things he used to say. It was just like old times didnt feel like a bluff. We were careful he was clear on that he would not be taking that chance. He kept asking if i was ok. Needless to say after we had a long convo he still stated divorce and he asked why i was crying and said he wanted to know. I told him cause having sex made my heart heart. He said i hope you didnt think that woud fix anything? I said no. Wetalked till 7:30 am andhe said for him he just cant feel trust in me, and thats why he cant do this. I saidis there anything i can do to help you get over that and trust me and he said maybe but he doesnt know what to tell me. I asked him for a hug and he held me so tightand when i tried to pull away he held me tighter. :-( then we went to car and he ran over to my side and opened my door for me and said "see im not such a bad guy am i?" Then we grabbed some ff and he took me to work.

 

 

And yet my hopes are up AGAIN... When will i learn :-(