Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

If you don't mind me asking, what did you do to hurt him? I'm just curious because at least you can admit that men are hurt-able.

 

In a very shortened form I lied to him about getting medical care when I was preggo and when i started to spot and miscarry I didnt tell him. I could post my excuses to go with what I did but to be honest i was just not thinking straight

[AllieKat]

Today is our Anniversary! We are not speaking to each other. At least havent been since last Mon. Its awful to have a anniversary and not celebrate or worse be facing divorce. To top it off the patient I care for fulltime is dying.... Very very slowly and the poor guy is suffering so.

[tojaz]

Hang in there Allie. I wish i had more to say, but I know that words and advice aren't much condolence when things get dark. The best I can offer is to remember to have some good in your life as well, set aside some time every day, where you can release yourself from all the bad things and just take a moment for yourself.

 

TOJAZ

[M30USA]

Today is our Anniversary! We are not speaking to each other. At least havent been since last Mon. Its awful to have a anniversary and not celebrate or worse be facing divorce. To top it off the patient I care for fulltime is dying.... Very very slowly and the poor guy is suffering so.

 

Sorry to hear. I went thru that a few months ago and it's like...what the hell are you supposed to do?

[AllieKat]

Thx Tojaz- im doing better for the most part today was just hard. To top it off I decided to peek at H fb and noticed some interesting posts. Lol i know i know.... Took a picture of them so i could keep them and at first they just seemed to be posts to ppl about the gossip but i got to rereading them again and again and next you know im thinking a simple sentence total is a omission to cheating... Ugh

 

Heres what it said keep in mind he only has ppl from the board as friends and family and a few friends lessthan 22 friends and im not one of them! Lol

 

Wrote on 7/27

For those of you this applies to im not sure whats worse- the fact thatim not nearly as blind as you believe i am, or the fact your lack of conscience has resulted in unecessary displays of your total disregard for privacy, your complete and utter disloyality, and your compromise of respect and dignity.

 

I believe you know EXACTLY who

I am talking to and havent the spine to rectify the situation- but suffice it to say your meek apology will simply not pass muster. Time to fess up before i air it all out for everyone so that they know the things that i know about you.

 

Test me PLEASE. I am equal to the task.

 

 

At first when i read this i was like cool hes sticking up for us to those gossips. And i didnt think it was about me at all cause he thinks i cant look at his fb. But as i reread it started overanalzying it thinking he was admitting to talking to someone and thinking he was talking about me and now i just dont know. The day he wrote this is the day he texted me to let me know he was working overtime.

[tojaz]

Quit Snooping! Its not doing you any good and in a lot of ways is making you feel worse.

 

Theres no telling what it is hes talking about, and your never going to know for sure so why give yourself something else to obsess about!!?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Your right Tojaz it is making me feel worse and I know I shouldnt do it but I did. Its just harder somedays then others and yesterday was one of those days. Im a work in progress!! If only I could erase it nowfrom my head

[eeyore1981]

Your right Tojaz it is making me feel worse and I know I shouldnt do it but I did. Its just harder somedays then others and yesterday was one of those days. Im a work in progress!! If only I could erase it nowfrom my head

 

I went through this. After Dday, I took snooping to crazy-making levels. It was miserable for me, and I finally woke up to it and made myself stop.

 

When I suggested to you to find some fun things to do, I wasn't being flip. You can't change your husband, but you can change yourself. It's a lot easier to break the habits that are causing you misery if you replace them with things that make you feel better.

 

When I realized how stuck I was in my marriage, I tried to make the best I could of a bad situation. Someone told me about a motorcycle for sale, I'd always wanted one, so I bought it. I hadn't been on a bike in many years, but I was determined. I had some friends with bikes who 'adopted' me, put me through the paces, and then we started riding.

 

I couldn't stand letting my husband out of my sight. All I did was obsess and worry and wonder what and who he was doing in my absence. But when I got on my bike, the thought came up, "What's he doing, who's he talking to?" and it changed to "I don't care." and I really, really didn't care. My first bike ride was my epiphany. I woke up to this is MY life, and all this crap that had been going on, it was no longer how I wanted or how I intended to live it. My first bike ride felt like my first moment of peace in a long time.

[AllieKat]

I guess if I'm being honest I'm still hoping things will turn around. Maybe I'm crazy for hoping for that but at this point hope is better than D! I have lots of things I enjoy doing and I have been doing them however hes still on my mind 70% of the time and I know ppl on here reading this must think "GAL" and move on and etc but I'm just not there yet :-(

[eeyore1981]

I guess if I'm being honest I'm still hoping things will turn around. Maybe I'm crazy for hoping for that but at this point hope is better than D! I have lots of things I enjoy doing and I have been doing them however hes still on my mind 70% of the time and I know ppl on here reading this must think "GAL" and move on and etc but I'm just not there yet :-(

 

BBM

 

I'm not thinking that. I KNOW how hard this is, and if they're honest, most of the people on here know how hard it is. As far as a divorce, there are a lot of people on here who have been through way worse than your situation and stayed and worked long and hard to work it out. If I'm being honest, I think that's part of why I'm pulling for you so hard. What I'm saying is not trivializing your situation, it's just poor phrasing on my part: This just seems like something that wouldn't be so hard to work through and get past, and come out on the other side with something great.

 

You're doing things you enjoy, but you're still thinking about him 70% of the time. Don't knock it, that's progress. You were probably thinking about him 90% of the time a few weeks ago.

[AllieKat]

BBM

 

I'm not thinking that. I KNOW how hard this is, and if they're honest, most of the people on here know how hard it is. As far as a divorce, there are a lot of people on here who have been through way worse than your situation and stayed and worked long and hard to work it out. If I'm being honest, I think that's part of why I'm pulling for you so hard. What I'm saying is not trivializing your situation, it's just poor phrasing on my part: This just seems like something that wouldn't be so hard to work through and get past, and come out on the other side with something great.

 

You're doing things you enjoy, but you're still thinking about him 70% of the time. Don't knock it, that's progress. You were probably thinking about him 90% of the time a few weeks ago.

 

I think thats the only reason I still have hope because I feel like we could move past this. The hardest thing right now is my dd is involved in cheerleading till Nov and hes the Vp of that and that means hes at every single game/practice as are those gossips and i feel like our life is playing out for them and it makes it that much harder when you know ppl are watching to see if you interact. So if we dont not only to i have to deal with that but also with those watching.

 

It stinks! I feel like if they all didnt know we could work through this smoother.

[eeyore1981]

I think thats the only reason I still have hope because I feel like we could move past this. The hardest thing right now is my dd is involved in cheerleading till Nov and hes the Vp of that and that means hes at every single game/practice as are those gossips and i feel like our life is playing out for them and it makes it that much harder when you know ppl are watching to see if you interact. So if we dont not only to i have to deal with that but also with those watching.

 

It stinks! I feel like if they all didnt know we could work through this smoother.

 

Why do you care what these people think?

 

Unless you are a famous movie star surrounded by paparazzi, I hate to break it to you, but every marriage I've ever seen has rough spots, and very few people care. People have their own problems and their own lives, and aren't going to be watching you through a microscope. You have some gossips hanging around, guess what, they're everywhere. Are you going to live your life in fear of them, or just live your life and to hell with them? If people want to talk about you, they're going to talk, and if it's not about your marriage, it will be about your hair, or your wardrobe, or the car you drive.

 

IMO, you're letting yourself get hung up on things that just don't matter.

[AllieKat]

Yeah your right! I guess its just embarrasing having H talk to ppl and me not one of them, or for us not to be sitting together at the games! I guess i feel like it makes it more final.

 

My client died yesterday and im wondering if I should ask H to attend with me or just let it be. I know he has to work during the time and probably cant go anyway.

[eeyore1981]

Yeah your right! I guess its just embarrasing having H talk to ppl and me not one of them, or for us not to be sitting together at the games! I guess i feel like it makes it more final.

 

My client died yesterday and im wondering if I should ask H to attend with me or just let it be. I know he has to work during the time and probably cant go anyway.

 

I'm sorry your client died. I don't think it would hurt anything to ask your husband to go, IF you can do that and not get upset if he says 'no'.

 

Is there a concession stand at the game you could volunteer to work in? That would help with the embarassment, 'cause he can't pointedly not talk to you if you're busy somewhere else.

 

What do you guys do? Like, do you have dinner together, watch tv together, or do you spend all your time apart?

[AllieKat]

We dont do anything together anymore. We used to have dinner together everynight and pretty much spend all our free time together other than one night a month when i would go out with girls or he would go hang with buddy. For the most part when hes home he just sits on couch playing games on phone or watching tv. I do stuff with Dd, hang with friends or workout.

[eeyore1981]

We dont do anything together anymore. We used to have dinner together everynight and pretty much spend all our free time together other than one night a month when i would go out with girls or he would go hang with buddy. For the most part when hes home he just sits on couch playing games on phone or watching tv. I do stuff with Dd, hang with friends or workout.

 

I used to do Sunday dinners. I would invite one or two couples over, or a few people from my outside job, and we would hang out and eat together. Sometimes I cooked out. What I liked to do was not invite the same people more than once every couple of months, and I also tried to have people over at least once a month I didn't know really well. It made for interesting conversations, and some good friendships.

 

Have you thought about anything like this? Using the above as a hypothetical example, you could decide on people to invite, then tell your H you've decided to have people over for dinner on this date, then just walk away. If he decides he wants to come, he has to make the actual effort to show up, and/or ask you if he can join you. If not, he can sit on the couch like a lump or go out. If you make something like this a routine, where you do it every week or every other week, and he knows how much fun it is, it might give him a prod to join in. If not, at least you are carving out something for yourself that will still be there if he leaves.

 

It doesn't have to be dinner, I'm just trying to explain the kinds of things I'm talking about doing. If you're going out with your friends, that's probably not something he was doing with you to begin with, and so is not something he's going to be interested in doing with you now. Using the dinner as an example, that's something you're doing in his space, something he is pretty much going to have to actively and deliberately take part in or get away from, do you see where I'm going with this?

[tojaz]

I like what Eeyore is saying here Allie.

 

Up to this point you have been giving hubby a wide berth. We both thought that was the right thing to do at the time because he had said he needed space. The situation has changed however, and he has ben taking advantage of that gesture.

 

You have basically been removing yourself from the scene at his request, which made things easy for him. What Eeyore is describing makes him have to make the conscious decision to either formally join in, or formally remove himself ,because he will see you moving forward with or without him.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I used to do Sunday dinners. I would invite one or two couples over, or a few people from my outside job, and we would hang out and eat together. Sometimes I cooked out. What I liked to do was not invite the same people more than once every couple of months, and I also tried to have people over at least once a month I didn't know really well. It made for interesting conversations, and some good friendships.

 

Have you thought about anything like this? Using the above as a hypothetical example, you could decide on people to invite, then tell your H you've decided to have people over for dinner on this date, then just walk away. If he decides he wants to come, he has to make the actual effort to show up, and/or ask you if he can join you. If not, he can sit on the couch like a lump or go out. If you make something like this a routine, where you do it every week or every other week, and he knows how much fun it is, it might give him a prod to join in. If not, at least you are carving out something for yourself that will still be there if he leaves.

 

It doesn't have to be dinner, I'm just trying to explain the kinds of things I'm talking about doing. If you're going out with your friends, that's probably not something he was doing with you to begin with, and so is not something he's going to be interested in doing with you now. Using the dinner as an example, that's something you're doing in his space, something he is pretty much going to have to actively and deliberately take part in or get away from, do you see where I'm going with this?

 

I will have to keep this in mind. Right now our place is not much for entertaining due to waiting for landlord to paint and carpet. If though I do this at some point how do i prepare ppl for a rude H? Im guessing he may stay but not interact but I also think he'll be anti-social and rude. Id never want to invite a guest over and have them treated rude.

[eeyore1981]

I will have to keep this in mind. Right now our place is not much for entertaining due to waiting for landlord to paint and carpet. If though I do this at some point how do i prepare ppl for a rude H? Im guessing he may stay but not interact but I also think he'll be anti-social and rude. Id never want to invite a guest over and have them treated rude.

 

Well, if he is rude, that's just going to make people bond more with you, and you could always throw out a "Wow, someone must have peed in his cheerios this morning."

 

Can you make a deal with the landlord where landlord buys the paint and knocks off on the rent and you paint yourself? S/he might even let you pick the colors if you don't go wild. I'm a landlord and I've done this before. If so, this would be a great opportunity. You could then tell your H you're going to go color shopping for ?room, and then x and y are coming over on the weekend to help you paint, then you are all cooking burgers in the backyard. Then walk away. If he wants to have input, he has to come to you.

 

Again, this doesn't have to be just dinner. It's anything you can think of that will be fun for you (don't do something that you will be miserable at) that will also put your H in a position to ACT, even if it's avoidance. Painting can be fun if you approach it right, and it's also something you can include your daughter in.

 

ETA: Also, don't expect this to be magic and work right away. That's why I'm suggesting a routine that you can repeat. It might take a few times for your H to wonder what he's missing out on, especially if there's a lot of laughter going on.

[tojaz]

I will have to keep this in mind. Right now our place is not much for entertaining due to waiting for landlord to paint and carpet. If though I do this at some point how do i prepare ppl for a rude H? Im guessing he may stay but not interact but I also think he'll be anti-social and rude. Id never want to invite a guest over and have them treated rude.

 

You are not responsible for his actions Allie, nor can you be held accountable for them by your guests. If he is rude i would do what you would with any unruly guest..... politely inform him that his presence is no longer required and ask him to leave.

[AllieKat]

Sadly our landlord wont let us do anything, so i'll have to keep this on back burner. I did ask him to bring dd home tonight from practice and he did. He has been better with her which makes me happy.

 

I feel bad posting on here because ive got lots of good advice/suggestions but many of it Ive tried and nothing seems to help. Somedays i wonder if im missing something? Or if he is just set we are done being in a "loving affectionate-marriage" i dont think he'll file ever but im not sure i can keep trying "things" to hope he engages or participates because in the end im theone who suffers. I know everyone says be independent and strong and i am but the hurt is deep and regardless of what ive done or dont do im facing 3 mths of him "not wanting me" and it just doesnt seem like hes going to change.

 

I dont sit around and cry anymore, i dont talk about him nonstop to anyone that will listen i just have been dealing with it.

[eeyore1981]

Sadly our landlord wont let us do anything, so i'll have to keep this on back burner. I did ask him to bring dd home tonight from practice and he did. He has been better with her which makes me happy.

 

I feel bad posting on here because ive got lots of good advice/suggestions but many of it Ive tried and nothing seems to help. Somedays i wonder if im missing something? Or if he is just set we are done being in a "loving affectionate-marriage" i dont think he'll file ever but im not sure i can keep trying "things" to hope he engages or participates because in the end im theone who suffers. I know everyone says be independent and strong and i am but the hurt is deep and regardless of what ive done or dont do im facing 3 mths of him "not wanting me" and it just doesnt seem like hes going to change.

 

I dont sit around and cry anymore, i dont talk about him nonstop to anyone that will listen i just have been dealing with it.

 

The reason I keep throwing things out there is to keep the conversation going. When I first came here, it was difficult for me to continue to post if no one had anything to say back to me, and this was sometimes the only place I wanted to 'talk'.

 

I just came back here about a month ago after a long absence. My last child moved out, and I was struggling every day to be smart and not pack a bag and get out. I've been angry, because I feel like things are not where I hoped they would be after almost five years of reconciliation. Basically, I'm tired.

 

I understand where you're coming from. If you try something and it doesn't work out, you can't help but to have gotten your hopes up, and it just makes it hurt worse. I've been trying to come up with ideas that would fit with what I think your personality is. I think mine is different. Want to know what I would probably do in your situation? At this point, I would have probably found another place to sleep, I wouldn't be making any meals for him, I would make out a schedule for who gets the living room when, etc., etc. I wouldn't help him, and I wouldn't let him help me, and if we were 'stuck' in the same house, I would do everything short of painting a line down the middle of it with his half and my half. If he ended up leaving because of it, I'd cry and be sad, but I wouldn't ask him to come back.

 

I haven't suggested any of this to you because I don't think this is your style. I'm more of a 'you want it, you got it' kind of gal.

 

How about this, it has nothing to do with your H. I read part of a book a long time ago that made a big impression on me. It's called "The Handbook of Feeling Good". I liked it so much I've bought about 25 copies at least and given them to family and friends that are having struggles.

 

It's a pretty big book, and I don't know what else is in it, but I do know one chapter. It talks about how YOU have the power over how you feel. It explains it very well. It talks about perception, and how you make the choice every day what kind of day you're going to have, whether you realize it or not. This book has gotten me through some incredibly rough and painful times.

[trippi1432]

Allie - you've gotten a lot of great advice on here, but you keep painting yourself into a corner. Eventually, you have to ask yourself if he's punishing you or if you are punishing yourself? Did you ever stop to think about status quo and what it really is, it's about things being just right, a comfort zone.

 

I would venture to say that you had your own status quo for a while. I don't want to upset you, but you are on year 7 in this marriage and there was a major upset, perhaps it skewed things to his favor. Now, you can let him take full control or you can learn how to share it. I liked the concession stand advice....put yourself out there but be busy. People like to talk, get past it. Something else you stated in a previous post, you've learned how to move past much harder things....are you going to now let this situation define you?

[AllieKat]

Im not cooking for him or doing anything at all really for him. I am civil because I feel i have an example to set for dd. hes civil to me too. I guess trippi your point about me punishing myself is true. I have. To be honest he has not picked any fights its been me. I get so frustrated with the behavior hes done i lash out.

 

If i ask him stuff he answers, he doesnt iniate convo anymore with me which stinks.

 

Trippi- when you said about the status quo being a comfort zone, I agree. I wonder if the status quo is a stage before the end of relationship or the stage before recon? I think the status quo scares me the most. To me i just cant see if your mind is made up to end a relationship why you would stick around. Im not wantinb to make H uncomfortable, i love him and though i could make things hard or uncomfortable i just dont see why i would do that. Its just me and i think thats why some of the advice i cant follow though i appreciate all suggestions.

 

For me though i may look or sound dumb i just refuse to be anything other than who i am. If h cant forgive me i guess hell eventually leave. Im not going to sit around nor have i been but at the end of the day if h has his mind made up not to forgive me nothing i do will change that. In the meantime it still hurts and i miss him terribly.

[tojaz]

Allie, forgive me if I am mistaken, but the more I think about it, the more I think that you may be trying to preserve that status quo because you are afraid of what may come next.

 

I only say that because I can remember being in that situation. Basically living in limbo because i was terrified of losing more then I already had. The bad part was that it taxed me emotionally to my limit and allowed her to basically do as she liked without consequence and I was too scared to really challenge her on anything as the whole marriage was rewritten. By the time I had enough, it was too late and would prove to be our swan song.

 

Hence my sig!!! A lesson learned too late.

 

TOJAZ