trippi1432 Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Allie - Just from what you have said here, the thing I concluded is that your husband may not be showing you what you want from an emotional aspect, but it does appear that he is trying to show you some things with acts of service. The tires, helping in the kitchen...etc. Not that it's time to go all gung-ho as Rome wasn't built in a day, but just a few days of being open to him, and you have gotten some positive actions back. I don't find that crazy at all, but I would look at that as something better than going to the lawyer. I wouldn't point it out to him, you should just continue what you have been doing and acknowledge what he does in return. Positive actions get positive reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Allie - Just from what you have said here, the thing I concluded is that your husband may not be showing you what you want from an emotional aspect, but it does appear that he is trying to show you some things with acts of service. The tires, helping in the kitchen...etc. Not that it's time to go all gung-ho as Rome wasn't built in a day, but just a few days of being open to him, and you have gotten some positive actions back. I don't find that crazy at all, but I would look at that as something better than going to the lawyer. I wouldn't point it out to him, you should just continue what you have been doing and acknowledge what he does in return. Positive actions get positive reactions. What she said! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 Ok- i can see that Trippi! I wish things would be clearer more open! I would rather him say im staying not doing anything because im just not sure about divorce, rather then the way hes being. Its rather confussing. Any other suggestions on building trust? I know i asked this the other day and i know being consistent is important but honestly im just not sure what else to do. Im honest with him. I dont hide anything Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 True, you are being open, honest and you want that back but it does take a while. It's really only confusing when you let yourself go to the negative (for instance.....over thinking it....why did he do all these things on his day off when he could have been at the lawyers asking for a divorce info instead of taking the trash out?) I think you already know the answer to that, you've already said it several times throughout this thread. It's because he's just as confused by you as you are of him. I think that there are two people here, each with one foot out the door, but each of you are banking on the foot that is still in. Soooo....suggestions, again, consistency...and come out of the room, DD should as well. Do things around the house that you typically would do. Don't plan it, just do things that have always been natural and stay transparent. Sit down and watch a show together, ask him if he wants to watch a movie with you and DD, but just slowly move to this...don't spring it on him suddenly. I would surmise that the living room has become his "man cave" now? So, respect territory, boundaries and approach it slowly. Go back through your thread and see if you see the pattern, again. Don't look for just his pattern, or for just your pattern.....look for the pattern the two of you have taken (and change it). At the end of the day, you are the person who has known him, we here do not. Our advice here is based on only what you tell us and your interpretation, but we don't really know him. You are in this fight because you do know him, better than anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Allie, like I stated before, any "tactic" we were to give you to help you display your trustworthiness.....wouldn't by trustworthy. Your doing the best things you can do for yourself in that regard by just doing what you have already been doing and let him discover it for himself. Like trippi said, consistency is important. Right now it sounds like hes running on pure instinct. When left alone he seems to move in a little closer, starts helping around the house, staying in more, etc. Its when you back him into a corner that he panics, switches off and pushes you further out of the circle. There have been many times in your story where he has done this and usually it has been because you saw a little positive and went in guns a blazing and he ran back behind his walls. His silence and his anger is his equivalent of you hiding in that room..... a safe place where he will be protected and knows things at least won't get any worse. You've been calling it status quo. All that does is preserve the rift because he knows he can either drive you into your room or recede back into his shell at will, if you are consistent in your actions he cannot do that. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 Your right and i have gone guns a blazing. Heck everytime he turned around i was accusing him of cheating and that makes him crazy. Its gotta be hard/impossible to trust someone who is questioning your morals!! The only real pattern i have seen was when we had started talking it was ok and civil but it only lasted so long cause i got annoyed at something i saw on fb or whateverin my snopping and i snapped on him. Plus i have this way of asking questions of him in a accusing way. That really pisses him off. There was a time in all sit i sat in living room with him and helped carry in groceries for me and helped put them away. At that time i wasnt bringing up our issues i was just being nice to him and respectful meaning not trashing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 I want to add that i still check our cell phone records everyday to see who he is texting/calling. Also when i see he is getting fb alerts via text then im all about checking his fb. Im writing this because i know its driving me nuts and i dont think hes cheating at all but in my head i think hes gotta be orhewould just be walking away. So in writing this im hoping for some tough love here. I know i need to stop this because this has got to be hurting thesituation. Im just afraid if i dont look i will miss a call to a lawyer or to a apt for rent. I guessim justifing it in my mind that if i snoop i wont be caught off guard ill be prepared then. Something he puton fb last week was "why do ppl spend the sum total of theirdays trying to desperately prove deception while others spend their days trying to disprove the truth unsucessfully... WHY???" Well thats me ive been desperately trying to prove hes cheating Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 I want to add that i still check our cell phone records everyday to see who he is texting/calling. Also when i see he is getting fb alerts via text then im all about checking his fb. Im writing this because i know its driving me nuts and i dont think hes cheating at all but in my head i think hes gotta be orhewould just be walking away. So in writing this im hoping for some tough love here. I know i need to stop this because this has got to be hurting thesituation. Im just afraid if i dont look i will miss a call to a lawyer or to a apt for rent. I guessim justifing it in my mind that if i snoop i wont be caught off guard ill be prepared then. Something he puton fb last week was "why do ppl spend the sum total of theirdays trying to desperately prove deception while others spend their days trying to disprove the truth unsucessfully... WHY???" Well thats me ive been desperately trying to prove hes cheating Ok, tough love part Ask yourself this, why torture yourself? Everytime you snoop through his stuff, your bracing yourself, preparing for some awful discovery that so far hasn't appeared..... so your putting your self through all of that for nothing!!!! If you did find something, how prepared would you really be when it came to confronting him? Not as much as you would think, I'm speaking from first hand experience there Allie. Something he puton fb last week was "why do ppl spend the sum total of theirdays trying to desperately prove deception while others spend their days trying to disprove the truth unsucessfully... WHY???" He could be talking about other things besides you there, the gossipers. Heck even though its a stretch I would say that could have been directed his direction as well. Sounds like someone whos trying to find a better understanding of truth and trust to me. Even if he doesn't intend it that way. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 First Tojaz i appreciate the tough love but you of been tougher... Lol ty though really! So Hubby just came in room and asked me to take him and pick him up from work!! He was nice. His car has something wrong in brakes that he cant fix till Tuesday at the earliest. Due to pay and his work schedule and the holiday. So for the next 3 days I'm taking him. This will be interesting. Also a huge oppurtunity for me to prove myself!!! I'm actually smiling just thinking about spending some time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 First Tojaz i appreciate the tough love but you of been tougher... Lol ty though really! So Hubby just came in room and asked me to take him and pick him up from work!! He was nice. His car has something wrong in brakes that he cant fix till Tuesday at the earliest. Due to pay and his work schedule and the holiday. So for the next 3 days I'm taking him. This will be interesting. Also a huge oppurtunity for me to prove myself!!! I'm actually smiling just thinking about spending some time with him. For the record, I'm pretty handy swinging the ole 2x4 around here when someone really needs it!!!! I had written something tougher, but i don't see any reason why you need "tough love" you haven't said anything about obsessive stalking or anything like that. If checking up helps you, then theres no real harm, just keep the other things I mentioned in mind. Checking up is ok, torturing yourself is something different. I promise, if you need a swift kick in the pants, you'll get it. Remember what I said before as well. Don't go in to the next 3 days actively looking to prove something (Guns a Blazing remmeber?) It is an opportunity though, just let it be an opportunity to share some time with him, let him give you the opportunities to prove yourself. By the way, I work on cars as well, and short of having it hit by a train, there's not much I couldn't have fixed in under a day if I really needed my car. Money, schedule, or otherwise. Especially if it involved spending time with someone I'd rather not. Can't speak for H, but pretty sure that holds true for all the mechanics i know. keep us posted. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 By the way, I work on cars as well, and short of having it hit by a train, there's not much I couldn't have fixed in under a day if I really needed my car. Money, schedule, or otherwise. Especially if it involved spending time with someone I'd rather not. Can't speak for H, but pretty sure that holds true for all the mechanics i know. keep us posted. TOJAZ Yep EXACTLY what I was thinking. He told me when we had that fight last week all day if he broke down ever he wouldnt call me. Hmm i dunno. He said that he went to change shock he saw break line was blown and he shouldnt be driving it. Doesnt matter i'll take what i can get :-) Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 10 characters...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Well....... By now most readers realize im all over the place with emotion maybe because i set myself up with expectations. Took H to work he was nice chatted most of the way there its a 30 min drive give or take, convo was lite car talk and a tiny bit of work talk. He thanked me and i was nice back. I listened and talked a little. Pick up was ok but much more quiet. He had tons of tools with him because he is hoping maybe he can fix the car tonight. Guess the drive over much annoying so he seems anxious to fix car. Weird thing is he could of gone to practice with us tonight but he told me he let the board know he woukdnt make it, he told them he prob wont be there tomorrow either or at the game Sun! I feel like he doesnt want them to see him and together. Also it just occured to me hes been texting the one lady from the board a lot her and her hubby own rental properties so im wondering if hes looking into that? dare i ask him or should i let it go? See now im getting paranoid?? Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Thought i replied to this but i guess it didnt post. I asked him if he was asking this lady to help him get a place and he said no! Also he finally figured out my trick to seeing what he writes on fb. I would go in under my daughters and then deactivate the acvount before he could see she was back on fb and now he blocked her so i wont be able to see it anymore! :-( When i came back from practice the porch light was on! Seemed weird cause he used to put it on for me but since weve been in this fight he hasnt. Im almost impressed. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Let it go!!!!! No more guns a blazing goes both ways. Try as you might, you cant keep writing out his story for him and living by your interpretation of his actions. Thats not fair to either one of you and has caused you a lot of grief up til now. You can rearrange the pieces and tell this story a hundred different ways until you get to a version you want to buy into, or you can finish reading the book and know for sure. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Tojaz- your right and i gotta do something about my impulsivness its making more issues for sure!! The meds I take help but i still just jump! He may be mad but im making it difficult too and worse. Im so glad i can come on here type my real feelings and get honest feedback, because i need that and i dont get ppl who are honest with me here at home. LS is so helpful and i really am thankful i can vent on here Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Allie, impulsiveness comes with the territory. I look back at some of my old panicked threads every once and awhile... They call it Crazy Time for a reason. Thinking things is one thing and theres nothing I or anyone else can do to shake those thoughts from your head, but if you can keep thinking and analyzing things, and even asking questions here, then your doing pretty good. Just think before acting, and when in doubt, come back to your suspicions when you have a clearer and calmer head to look at them without all the worry and emotion clouding your vision. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 You know Allie, I can't help but wonder...if you are being transparent, why hasn't your hubby found your posts on LS yet? It's happened to be honest, a wife (typically) or a husband finding this because they were looking. Yes, come here and vent, but remember when you walk away from that computer, you wear what you feel on you and the person who knows you best, not us, sees it...feels it..etc. It's not much different than discussing it with a girlfriend...or those nosy busy bodies really. What I'm trying to point out is that you take a positive and turn it to a negative and put this guy under the gun. That is the pattern and you know it...you just haven't learned how to control it yet. I always get blasted for accountability...sigh...waiting.........:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I use my iphone for most of my internet usage. Laziness i guess but its easier. Its not to hide anything its just what ive done since ive had my phone. I still use pc but not as much. I think that is how hubby discovered i was looking at fb. I leave my phone lay around but honestly hes not really the snooper type and im guessing he could careless if he hasnt found LS posts yet Do you think i should start doing this on pc so he can find it?I honestly have nothing to hide other than how desperate i am :-( Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Allie - being honest with yourself, do you think he would see it as desperate or no different? Breaking patterns is hard. Sometimes it's more being honest with ourselves and seeing ourselves, questioning our motives not as much theirs. So..he left the porch light on...not impressed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 H got car all fixed so he doesnt need a ride anymore! :-( iwas checking bank account to see if a deposit hit and he asked if i was checking bank and i said tes and he said he couldnt log in but he tried. Then he was saying how it was odd att hasnt come out yet because we paid it over a week ago by bank account. I asked him if car was fixed or if he needed a ride and he said that he fixed it and he wouldnt need a ride. Then he thanked me again for taking him today. I said sure and left it at that, but i felt like going off. I feel like going off on him because im stressed and so unsure of things and it makes me so insecure and when im insecure i have that fight instinct. Its that same instinct that caused me to threaten him with divorce in April. Now that i admit and truly realize this i need to figure out how to control it. My dad was the same way he was a great man but when my mom would do things that hurt him, or made him feel insecure he would accuse her of stuff and say not nice things. He basically would pick fights. Though in their case my mother was having an affair Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 ....and you realize this, you are awakening. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Allie - being honest with yourself, do you think he would see it as desperate or no different? Breaking patterns is hard. Sometimes it's more being honest with ourselves and seeing ourselves, questioning our motives not as much theirs. So..he left the porch light on...not impressed? I dunno I guess i wasnt impressed cause i thought maybe he left it on by mistake or whatever other excuse i could come up with so i dont get myself thinking he did it for me and get my hopes up Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Hopes over what Allie? See, when people do things because they think about someone else, they do it on instinct of caring deeply for someone else. They don't do it for "points", it's just who they are. See, if someone is keeping score, they are not really doing things because they really care, they are doing it to make an impression because they don't think they are loved for being genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I guess early on like when he asked me to go get tires with him i got my hopes up that he was starting to forgive and move past this but then hearing him later say no way no how he was done with me was hard. So now if he does something nice even as small as the porch light or the thank yous i try to ignore it so i dont go back to feeling like its a step to recon. Link to post Share on other sites
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