Forgiveness

[trippi1432]

Yes Allie, but there were some things in there...impatience. You see, actions do speak louder than words, they indicate a kindness and a caring, but actions and words have to match to indicate a recon.

[AllieKat]

I can agree on that!! Im sooooo impatient. I miss him so much its hard to be patient. My friend told me tonight one thing she thinks is major is that he is still here!!! He does show caring still a but in his actions and dare i say today he seemed to show more. Its not quite what i want ofcourse because i want the ring on his finger and mine back on and him back in our bed

 

Trippi- ty for taking the time to respond to me and help. I really appreciate it. At first i wasnt ready to hear your suggestions cause i was so defensive but ice grown since that and now i look forward to them

[tojaz]

when im insecure i have that fight instinct. Its that same instinct that caused me to threaten him with divorce in April. Now that i admit and truly realize this i need to figure out how to control it. My dad was the same way he was a great man but when my mom would do things that hurt him, or made him feel insecure he would accuse her of stuff and say not nice things. He basically would pick fights. Though in their case my mother was having an affair

 

This is something you need to explore further! Have you shared this information with your H? (If not, do not run over and tell him!)

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I did share this with him when we had that fight after we made up.

[AllieKat]

Now today he hasnt so much as looked at me or spoke to me? Wtf??? I just dont get him!!

[trippi1432]

I guess early on like when he asked me to go get tires with him i got my hopes up that he was starting to forgive and move past this but then hearing him later say no way no how he was done with me was hard. So now if he does something nice even as small as the porch light or the thank yous i try to ignore it so i dont go back to feeling like its a step to recon.

 

I can agree on that!! Im sooooo impatient. I miss him so much its hard to be patient. My friend told me tonight one thing she thinks is major is that he is still here!!! He does show caring still a but in his actions and dare i say today he seemed to show more. Its not quite what i want ofcourse because i want the ring on his finger and mine back on and him back in our bed

 

Trippi- ty for taking the time to respond to me and help. I really appreciate it. At first i wasnt ready to hear your suggestions cause i was so defensive but ice grown since that and now i look forward to them

 

H got car all fixed so he doesnt need a ride anymore! :-( iwas checking bank account to see if a deposit hit and he asked if i was checking bank and i said tes and he said he couldnt log in but he tried. Then he was saying how it was odd att hasnt come out yet because we paid it over a week ago by bank account. I asked him if car was fixed or if he needed a ride and he said that he fixed it and he wouldnt need a ride. Then he thanked me again for taking him today. I said sure and left it at that, but i felt like going off.

 

I feel like going off on him because im stressed and so unsure of things and it makes me so insecure and when im insecure i have that fight instinct. Its that same instinct that caused me to threaten him with divorce in April. Now that i admit and truly realize this i need to figure out how to control it. My dad was the same way he was a great man but when my mom would do things that hurt him, or made him feel insecure he would accuse her of stuff and say not nice things. He basically would pick fights. Though in their case my mother was having an affair

 

Now today he hasnt so much as looked at me or spoke to me? Wtf??? I just dont get him!!

 

And remember, you have grown......what have you learned so far?

[tojaz]

Ok Allie, calm down and quit trying to figure him out, your not going to. Focus on figuring you out.

 

Like Trippi said, you've grown and learned a lot. When someone is lost, its usually easier to go back to where they've been rather then keep trying to trudge on to their destination from an unknown.

 

So what have you learned and how can you apply it? How does it apply to other situations?

 

when im insecure i have that fight instinct. Its that same instinct that caused me to threaten him with divorce in April. Now that i admit and truly realize this i need to figure out how to control it. My dad was the same way he was a great man but when my mom would do things that hurt him, or made him feel insecure he would accuse her of stuff and say not nice things. He basically would pick fights. Though in their case my mother was having an affair

 

How does that figure in? How did it figure into you lying to him when this all flared up again? How did that figure into your squabbles before divorce was on the table?

 

I'm really hoping you don't take those as rhetorical questions, I'm hoping you take the time to really think it out and are willing to share it.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Ok Allie, calm down and quit trying to figure him out, your not going to. Focus on figuring you out.

 

Like Trippi said, you've grown and learned a lot. When someone is lost, its usually easier to go back to where they've been rather then keep trying to trudge on to their destination from an unknown.

 

So what have you learned and how can you apply it? How does it apply to other situations?

 

 

 

How does that figure in? How did it figure into you lying to him when this all flared up again? How did that figure into your squabbles before divorce was on the table?

 

I'm really hoping you don't take those as rhetorical questions, I'm hoping you take the time to really think it out and are willing to share it.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

You know these are hard questions, honestly! I have learned but maybe not enough. I've learned about me and why I get so upset and where it comes from. It pretty much is insecurity which comes from fear. Im not sure how to apply it because right now its running me, I'm letting it.

 

Prior to divorce being on the table I was not this insecure at all. However i was insecure and that fear when i called him that day and i felt like he was caring, hearing me set me off. So i think i said that i was sick of the marriage to hurt him somewhat intentionally but i didnt mean it. When i get hurt i get that impulsive feeling and say and do whatever is on my mind at that moment. I just act. Takes a lot to upset me and i find only those that i care about have that ability usually to get me that upset. I dont have a grip on it yet.

 

Most of all our other squabbles i not done this typically when we would have a tiff i would not ever say anything like that, and wed work it out and be just fine. Twice innour 7 year marriage ive done the crazy Allie thing and threatened divorce. This last time once we made up he actually told me why it bothered him so much and how it made him feel and i could understand enough that i wont ever say it again.

 

I get he goes back into where he was but i just cant not be upset when he does it hurts deeply, again though as much as i said i dont want to get my hopes up i did. I will take some responsibility though for him not talking as i didnt talk to him either.

[AllieKat]

So driving around this am to clear my head i started thinking about my marriage and current situation. I started to really think about how i would feel if hubby had lied to me and how it would make me feel. I felt sad thinking about it and i know i cant try to figure him out but i have what hes doing to help me see how he feels or maybe what hes not doing.

 

I also have what he tells me. Which is he cant trust me. Hes said hes content for now to live in the status quo. His words. His actions are someone that hasnt done anything to make our marriage dissolve. He hasnt switched his pay from our joint account, he hasnt spoken to a lawyer, he hasnt moved out.

 

I suppose its possible but im not assuming, that because our lease isnt up till july that hes staying till then because he cant get out of that. Though he hasnt even looked into it either.

 

So time is on my side. And my hope is he is just as unsure as i even though i am sure i want this marriage. I m still unsure what i can do to prove my trustworthiness, im being transparent but its not like he seems to interested in what i do or who i email or etc. i really dont know though. With us not talking much im not quite sure how'll he believe whati say if im not saying anything. I just feel like im missing something i could be doing. He had said he tried to trust

Me but im not sure how he tried.

[tojaz]

So driving around this am to clear my head i started thinking about my marriage and current situation. I started to really think about how i would feel if hubby had lied to me and how it would make me feel. I felt sad thinking about it and i know i cant try to figure him out but i have what hes doing to help me see how he feels or maybe what hes not doing.

 

I also have what he tells me. Which is he cant trust me. Hes said hes content for now to live in the status quo. His words. His actions are someone that hasnt done anything to make our marriage dissolve. He hasnt switched his pay from our joint account, he hasnt spoken to a lawyer, he hasnt moved out.

 

I suppose its possible but im not assuming, that because our lease isnt up till july that hes staying till then because he cant get out of that. Though he hasnt even looked into it either.

 

So time is on my side. And my hope is he is just as unsure as i even though i am sure i want this marriage. I m still unsure what i can do to prove my trustworthiness, im being transparent but its not like he seems to interested in what i do or who i email or etc. i really dont know though. With us not talking much im not quite sure how'll he believe whati say if im not saying anything. I just feel like im missing something i could be doing. He had said he tried to trust

Me but im not sure how he tried.

 

Trust isn't really something you try, its a judgement, its either there or it isn't, if you feel your in a position to have to "try" and trust someone, then you already don't.

 

He still holds an awful lot of trust for you though Allie. If I don't trust someone, I don't give them access to all the things he has left open to you. He trusts you in a lot of ways, but he doesn't trust you with his emotions.

 

I like the way you have been looking deeper at things over the last couple of days, keep it up. You spoke about your own insecurities, well he has his own as well. So in the past, how do you think you might have played on those?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I do know his insecurities and sadly enough he never really opened up till after april fight about them. He has always had a closed heart from being abandoned when he was a child so when he met me he fell in love and opened hos heart to me and trusted me with his heart. His words! So my threats made him feel unloved and he choose to forgive me but then just weeks later with the lies it just reopened the pain and here we are. So you hit the nail on the head with him not trusting me with his emotions

[AllieKat]

Starting today i left my password wrote on a paper by the pc, im not chrcking att, im dont accusing the poor guy of cheating, im done picking fights, im just going to be nice and try to keep my insane thoughts to myself because it hasnt helped. He couldnt possible trust me with his emotions when i keep at him with my accusations and my insecurities which have no merit

[AllieKat]

Tonight dd and come home this evening after being gone all day the porch light on again!! Its a very small gesture but its a gesture all the same! I iniated small talk with hubby just to let him know what bills I paid today! I kept it very kind and nice and asked him if hed mind dropping our taxes off Tuesday since hes off and I work and he said he would and let me know he'd probably be called in to work that day for overtime.

 

So far so good tomorrow my goal is to stop hiding in room. One day at a time

:-)

[tojaz]

So far so good tomorrow my goal is to stop hiding in room. One day at a time

:-)

 

Like this very much Allie. Just as i like the way you are looking at how both of your actions have interacted.

 

In doing that, keep in mind that he is far from innocent in this as well. Just because you are the one that is standing doesn't mean you have to accept all the blame. Be fair to him, but be fair to yourself as well.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Ok so a day 2 days into this my head is getting to me. Im replaying thing Hubby has said within the last two weeks. The ine thing really bugging me is him saying we didnt gave a great marriage and i can remember it however i want, in the next breathe i said i missed ou hugs and kisses and oyr friendship ans how good it was and he agreed!

 

I need some reassurance here... Words dont mean that much right? His actions are whats important?

 

Im starting to feel like I wasting my time and that nothing is going to change. I think im just in a funk cause for the last 3 months Ive become this paranoid nut questioning everything and the last two days im trying like crazy to stop and its such a shift. Im not giving up just afraid his mind is set and i still worry the more time passes the more set he is.

 

Last night i was laying in bed thinking about his fb and why he has me blocked anyway unless hes up to something. I literally had to talk myself out of going out to living room and freaking out on him about it :-/

[tojaz]

Ok so a day 2 days into this my head is getting to me. Im replaying thing Hubby has said within the last two weeks. The ine thing really bugging me is him saying we didnt gave a great marriage and i can remember it however i want, in the next breathe i said i missed ou hugs and kisses and oyr friendship ans how good it was and he agreed!

 

I need some reassurance here... Words dont mean that much right? His actions are whats important?

 

LOOK, SHES BEEN PAYING ATTENTION! :confused: Exactly right. He's going to rewrite the history however he needs to.... and so are you. Your marriage was surely not as bad as he tells it, but I'll bet it wasn't as ideal as you are remembering now either.

 

If your worried, remember facts instead of opinions. Hugs, kisses, family nights, birthdays...and in the other hand place the fights, squabbles, nights on the sofa. Be brutally honest with yourself, which hand is heavier?

 

Im starting to feel like I wasting my time and that nothing is going to change. I think im just in a funk cause for the last 3 months Ive become this paranoid nut questioning everything and the last two days im trying like crazy to stop and its such a shift. Im not giving up just afraid his mind is set and i still worry the more time passes the more set he is.

 

Last night i was laying in bed thinking about his fb and why he has me blocked anyway unless hes up to something. I literally had to talk myself out of going out to living room and freaking out on him about it :-/

 

Yeah Allie, you and everyone else in your position, congratulations... your normal! Just living in an abnormal time of your life. Your looking for answers, and as much as you want to, your not going to stop. The best you can do is try and control it as best you can, and when you can't ask for help so someone can talk you down.

 

Just spent some time reading my posts when i was at the 3 month mark.... I was a lunatic and I didn't have her in the house with me rising even more questions.

 

All you can do is the best you can Allie, nobody can ask you for anymore then that... even yourself.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

The happy hand is way heavier!! And he knows it thats why we trying to get pregnant because we were in a good place. I get it though. Its killing me today trust me and im so glad i can come here even if i post a lot its better than jumping him with stuff. I had been keeping track of our interactions since this all happened and something i noticed is i havent let a week even pass without jumping him or accusing him or picking a fight!

 

Funny howi badly want him to trust me again but i accuse him of not being trustworthy!!

[tojaz]

something i noticed is i havent let a week even pass without jumping him or accusing him or picking a fight!

 

Hmmmmm well that is what we would call a goal Allie. One solid week with no fighting, no accusations, just a peaceful house. (No hiding in your room, that would be cheating) No letting him start anything either.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Tojaz- im having a good stiff drink to keep me cool right now because he hasnt come home yet from football game that was over 3 hours ago and dd told me he was sitting with the friend he helps with race cars and his horrible wife, the one that ralkwd the crap. So of course im annoyed but im sure he is sitti g with his friend and its not like he can tell the guy to have his wife sit somewhere else, it just bothers me ALOT!!

[AllieKat]

Im so annoyed hes home and he is sitting here with his head resting on his hand pouting looking. He watched me lug in 20lbs of cat litter and watched me change the litter and lug the dirty crap out w/o so much as blinking an eye. Its his lack of help or care that makes me feel like lashing out.

 

Im really stuggling today with keeping it in check. I will have to try sitting with him tomorrow because i honestly dont have enough control this evening to keep my mouth shut.

[tojaz]

Tojaz- im having a good stiff drink to keep me cool right now because he hasnt come home yet from football game that was over 3 hours ago and dd told me he was sitting with the friend he helps with race cars and his horrible wife, the one that ralkwd the crap. So of course im annoyed but im sure he is sitti g with his friend and its not like he can tell the guy to have his wife sit somewhere else, it just bothers me ALOT!!

 

Im so annoyed hes home and he is sitting here with his head resting on his hand pouting looking. He watched me lug in 20lbs of cat litter and watched me change the litter and lug the dirty crap out w/o so much as blinking an eye. Its his lack of help or care that makes me feel like lashing out.

 

 

I think I'm noticing another pattern here. Forgive me if I am mistaken, but it seems like he has greater resolve after spending time with certain others. During the low times, he was working with his buddy to all hours, when things were on an upswing, he was at home.

 

Is there a chance either his buddy or his buddies wife is whispering in his ear?

 

When me and my ex were still in the negotiating stages, we managed to have some decent talks and actually break some ground. Even on a couple occasions she had opened up to the idea to giving it another shot, then all of a sudden things would shift, it took me along time to find out what was happening. Whenever she would have second thoughts she would call her parents who never really cared for the guy that had stole their little girl away. After that she always came back breathing fire and more resolute then ever.

 

Just a thought

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hmm, could that be possible? That other people could whisper something in someone else's ear and make a person turn a complete 180 on their life, their commitment to another person? I mean, that person would have to have their ear indefinitely in their life...it would make them a "slave" of sorts. I guess that would make Allie's husband a robot who had no control over his life..when maybe the status quo of what life was might not have been where he wanted it? I've heard and known that in affair partners, but to make friends/parents that sort of bucket..I defer.

 

Allie, the pattern I keep seeing emerging is that you don't have control. That in itself complexes you. You have brought it up time after time when he does not "behave" the way you anticipate. Every person has the right to free will, it does not mean they don't love you, it means they respect themselves as much as your tenacity to enact your own free will. That is how you grow...as an individual as well as partners in a marriage.

 

So, you lugged in cat litter and changed a cat box...it needed doing. I battled flames on a gas grill tonight while my boyfriend slept, I'm not inept...are you?

[Grich283]

Time and patience. All you can do is continue to love him.

[AllieKat]

@ Tojaz sometime I wonder that but typically my H doesnt discuss his issues with those ppl. Only with his close friends. I dont think he would believe anything they would say if they did say something.

 

@ Trippi im definately not enpt either it just bothered me he didnt help, maybe cause he has spoiled me for the duration of our marriage. I know he has free will but sitting with the lady who gossiped about me just to me shoqs he didnt stand for me. It hurts my feelings but as i think about it im sure he was just sitting with buddy and honestly that guy is the only friend he really has there.

I definately dont have control thats why i couldnt go sit on couch with him i was afraid i'd go off

[tojaz]

Hmm, could that be possible? That other people could whisper something in someone else's ear and make a person turn a complete 180 on their life, their commitment to another person? I mean, that person would have to have their ear indefinitely in their life...it would make them a "slave" of sorts.

 

Yes its definitely possible, and it happens everyday. The right ear, the right word, the right moment, .... can change everything.

 

@ Tojaz sometime I wonder that but typically my H doesnt discuss his issues with those ppl. Only with his close friends. I dont think he would believe anything they would say if they did say something.

 

You know better then I Allie, so I'm just throwing out observations to see what fits. I will say that there is NOTHING about this situation that has been "typical" of the H you know or your marriage so i would not expect a typical response.

 

TOJAZ