Author AllieKat Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 True its not been typical at all. I just dont think Hubby can stray with others from who he really is. Hes just not the type to listen to others he makes his mind up on his own. He can with me but its a planned protection. I believe him when he tells me he doesnt discuss it with any of the football ppl. They have all kept their mouth shut since he talked to them. I think they are afraid to mention anything to him. Hes a big guy and very intimidating plus he warned them that if it continued he would quit. The hubby according to my hubby prob has no clue that about how much gossip his wife was involved in so im betting around my hubby she shuts up Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 @ Tojaz sometime I wonder that but typically my H doesnt discuss his issues with those ppl. Only with his close friends. I dont think he would believe anything they would say if they did say something. @ Trippi im definately not enpt either it just bothered me he didnt help, maybe cause he has spoiled me for the duration of our marriage. I know he has free will but sitting with the lady who gossiped about me just to me shoqs he didnt stand for me. It hurts my feelings but as i think about it im sure he was just sitting with buddy and honestly that guy is the only friend he really has there. I definately dont have control thats why i couldnt go sit on couch with him i was afraid i'd go off Allie - He has said some things openly to these busy bodies, and I'm sure that he included this man's wife in this. What I feel you may be doing is letting the paranoia of the situation that she is involved get to you. I'm sure you have some friends that you have spoken with about the situation and your husband wonders where he stands in their eyes as well, he may even not want to be around those friends of yours for some of the same reasons you state here. Being bothered that he didn't do something, okay, that's normal....but it's not what you were originally annoyed about. You started off that you were annoyed that he was at his only male friend's house with that horrible woman and then your annoyance at that led you to be even more annoyed that he didn't do something to help you which led to the "I can't be near him tonight because I am so annoyed"....victim mentality when really, what did he do wrong other than not behave like you expect him to? Yes its definitely possible, and it happens everyday. The right ear, the right word, the right moment, .... can change everything. I still tend to think of those right ear, right word and right moments being that affair partners have a higher influence to move the entire marriage to the point of divorce. Friends/Family are obliged ears and vessels of support to the husband or the wife and they are going to stand behind the husband or the wife, but a walk-away does their damage of their own free will. Point...look at us here on LS who advise on these matters, are we here not an influence to masses of people looking for justification, validation, answers on the matter of trying to figure out the hard issues in people's situations? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) Tojaz- im having a good stiff drink to keep me cool right now because he hasnt come home yet from football game that was over 3 hours ago and dd told me he was sitting with the friend he helps with race cars and his horrible wife, the one that ralkwd the crap. So of course im annoyed but im sure he is sitti g with his friend and its not like he can tell the guy to have his wife sit somewhere else, it just bothers me ALOT!! Im so annoyed hes home and he is sitting here with his head resting on his hand pouting looking. He watched me lug in 20lbs of cat litter and watched me change the litter and lug the dirty crap out w/o so much as blinking an eye. Its his lack of help or care that makes me feel like lashing out. Im really stuggling today with keeping it in check. I will have to try sitting with him tomorrow because i honestly dont have enough control this evening to keep my mouth shut. True its not been typical at all. I just dont think Hubby can stray with others from who he really is. Hes just not the type to listen to others he makes his mind up on his own. He can with me but its a planned protection. I believe him when he tells me he doesnt discuss it with any of the football ppl. They have all kept their mouth shut since he talked to them. I think they are afraid to mention anything to him. Hes a big guy and very intimidating plus he warned them that if it continued he would quit. The hubby according to my hubby prob has no clue that about how much gossip his wife was involved in so im betting around my hubby she shuts up But if you know the above Allie - why did you allow it to annoy you so much? Could we say that this is where you let your thoughts and impulsiveness get away with you? Isn't this something that you noted that you need to work on? Back to the example I gave: I could have allowed my annoyance at my boyfriend build to a full resentment, that's what happens with annoyances, they eventually become resentments. Something to think about as you are going through this because it could be that both you and your husband are building up some resentments due to the marriage being so unbalanced and hanging on the fence. Edited September 3, 2012 by trippi1432 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 Yep those posts were wrote on impulse of feelings i had at that moment. Grantedi still dont like him sitting by that lady and im still annoyed he sat and watched me struggle with cat litter but not nearly as much as last evening. Im a work in progress what can i say? Ill keep trying! Thing though is i didnt let it get to the point where i went off on him that im proud of because up till now i have everytime! Thats why i could go sit with him i didnt trust myself to keep my mouth shut Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Yep those posts were wrote on impulse of feelings i had at that moment. Grantedi still dont like him sitting by that lady and im still annoyed he sat and watched me struggle with cat litter but not nearly as much as last evening. Im a work in progress what can i say? Ill keep trying! Thing though is i didnt let it get to the point where i went off on him that im proud of because up till now i have everytime! Thats why i could go sit with him i didnt trust myself to keep my mouth shut Very good, that is good progress. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I still tend to think of those right ear, right word and right moments being that affair partners have a higher influence to move the entire marriage to the point of divorce. Friends/Family are obliged ears and vessels of support to the husband or the wife and they are going to stand behind the husband or the wife, but a walk-away does their damage of their own free will. Point...look at us here on LS who advise on these matters, are we here not an influence to masses of people looking for justification, validation, answers on the matter of trying to figure out the hard issues in people's situations? Yes and there are voices here that have done damage as well. You know that as well as I do. The ear has plenty of responsibility in the situation, its not like people could go and randomly break up marriages or relationships that are otherwise solid and healthy, but there are plenty of situations where someone who is in a rough patch can be pushed beyond the point of return, turning an otherwise salvageable situation into a hopeless one. Saying the right thing to someone who is already overly sensitive to the situation, allows a seed of doubt and hopelessness to take root. Very common in affairs yes, but there are plenty of other situations where the same dynamic arises and for all kinds of reasons, from non romantic jealousy, already jaded views of relationships, to simply people who make them selves feel better by spreading misery to others or enjoy seeing how far they can carry their influence. Seen it first hand, some people do it just to see if they can. Yep those posts were wrote on impulse of feelings i had at that moment. Grantedi still dont like him sitting by that lady and im still annoyed he sat and watched me struggle with cat litter but not nearly as much as last evening. Im a work in progress what can i say? Ill keep trying! Thing though is i didnt let it get to the point where i went off on him that im proud of because up till now i have everytime! Thats why i could go sit with him i didnt trust myself to keep my mouth shut That worries me Allie, seems like something that would lead to you hiding away in your room again. Yes you are a work in progress, and you've come a long way and being able to contain your emotions and not go off on him is a HUGE step and you should be proud. Rather then being driven into hiding, whats a better way to diffuse the situation? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 Oh Tojaz your right in my room i went!! Im not sure what else i could of done? I guess i could go out! Im hiding in my room again now :-( i just dont know what else to do when im feel so edgy with him. I know this is no life! And there he is sitting on couch looking so down yet neither of us talk. I cant help but wonder if he isnt in " status quo" because he doesnt want a divorce but cant make up with me either. Cause i feel sorta the same. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) Oh Tojaz your right in my room i went!! Im not sure what else i could of done? I guess i could go out! Im hiding in my room again now :-( i just dont know what else to do when im feel so edgy with him. I know this is no life! And there he is sitting on couch looking so down yet neither of us talk. I cant help but wonder if he isnt in " status quo" because he doesnt want a divorce but cant make up with me either. Cause i feel sorta the same. Well I'm going to say good on you for recognizing a situation that could become volatile and backing away. I think what comes next is working toward understanding WHY you get edgy in those situations so you can talk yourself down on the fly rather then having to sequester yourself. Ever been broke down on the side of the road Allie? I have, and all though i'm a competent mechanic, have a sturdy set of legs, and don't worry too much about what kind of neighborhood I have to walk in to... It still ticks me off to see cars whizzing by and nobody stops to offer a hand. Even if I know I would decline. I get that way because I know that 9 out 0f 10 times I would pull over and help if the situation is reversed. I think that's you with the cat litter and your still reacting because before all of this, 9 out of 10 times your H would help as well. Not that your not capable, not that your inept, sometimes you just need the gesture. So to have him watch you struggling still feels pretty bad, to know he's sitting with the town gossip also seems like a betrayal, so here come the emotions and here you are trying to keep a cork on it. Am I close? So heres your H on the opposite side of the fence, trying to remain resolute. Lets say his first instinct was to help you, but he says a very similar dialogue in his head running at the same time. "If I help what does that look like?" "What is she going to think, does it say too much, too little" etc. Hes frozen, then your upset and then your frozen hiding in your room. STALEMATE! TOJAZ Edited September 3, 2012 by tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 EXACTLY!! You nailed it!!! Sometimes him doing nothing hurts like it feels like he truly no longer gives a "hoot" about me. He "used" to be the hubby that carried in all groceries, opened the door etc.. Besides the words of love those were actions that showed me his love. All those kind gestures and gentlemenly things he did. Now that things have changed not only am i not hearing the living words, the loving actions are gone too and that really kills me. I worry about the intimacy too! Its been 3 months since weve had any "relations" and i just think how long can he go w/o till he just does it with whatever comes along Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 EXACTLY!! You nailed it!!! Sometimes him doing nothing hurts like it feels like he truly no longer gives a "hoot" about me. He "used" to be the hubby that carried in all groceries, opened the door etc.. Besides the words of love those were actions that showed me his love. All those kind gestures and gentlemenly things he did. Now that things have changed not only am i not hearing the living words, the loving actions are gone too and that really kills me. I understand Allie, The thing that keeps me from chucking a big rock at those cars passing me by?..... The fact that I don't know whats going on in their head. I don't know if that car is rushing to the hospital, had a bad experience trying to help someone, or is just flat out oblivious to the world around them. In your situation, it sounds like thinking like that would make you more frustrated, but it can actually help. You know this is hard on him as well, you know hes not happy about it. Rather then just focus on the actions, focus on the reason behind them. Hes not a WAS hes not rubbing this in your face every chance he gets. Hes not helping you much, but hes not going out of his way to hurt you either. Go ahead and let yourself be upset, but put it in perspective so that you can keep those emotions in check, if you don't, we both know he won't and then we go right back to the nasty version of this again. Does that make sense? I worry about the intimacy too! Its been 3 months since weve had any "relations" and i just think how long can he go w/o till he just does it with whatever comes along Contrary to popular belief, most of us men have much more self control then we get credit for. I could do 3 months and more standing on my head. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 It does make sense now if i can do it!! Sure i am capable but will i let myself. Its so easy to think negatively! Glad you replied about intimacy that makes me feel better. Thinking back hubby waited 2 years on me. I wouldnt have any kind of intimate relationship with him till i was 100% sure hed be father material too because i was a single mom. I just wasnt jumping into anything and i figured if hea a good guy who really lives me hell wait, and he did!! On another not He iniated small talk tonight nothing much just letting me know that we didnt have enough to pay all our taxes tomorrow so hed have to wait. Holiday screwed up deposit we were to get tomorrow so gotta wait till Wed. Anyway i was as sweet as a peach to him...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I wanted to add that i decided to come out of room even though i coukdnt sit on couch with hubby( didnt trust myself) i cleaned kitchen and dining room and was out and about instead of locked in! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 It does make sense now if i can do it!! Sure i am capable but will i let myself. Its so easy to think negatively! That it is, and far to often thats a persons gut reaction, to assume the worst. Theres been a lot of that on both sides of your story Allie. I know you can do it though, just takes time. Glad you replied about intimacy that makes me feel better. Thinking back hubby waited 2 years on me. I wouldnt have any kind of intimate relationship with him till i was 100% sure hed be father material too because i was a single mom. I just wasnt jumping into anything and i figured if hea a good guy who really lives me hell wait, and he did!! Sounds like H is a very good man underneath all this mess. I wanted to add that i decided to come out of room even though i coukdnt sit on couch with hubby( didnt trust myself) i cleaned kitchen and dining room and was out and about instead of locked in! Very good! Being out and interacting doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be sitting right next to him if you don't want to, just don't let him chase you away just by being present. You don't wan't to make it any easier for him to stay locked up in his little shell, but you don't want to poke the bear either. Guess it sounds like a bit of balancing act. For now, if he wants to sulk, just treat him like a house plant, just sitting there while life goes on around him until he decides to rejoin it. TOJAZ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 He is a really good man, thats why i hang on. If he was a big jerk or even a cheater it would be easier. For the last 10 years hes been awesome!!! My biggest fear now is that each day that passes is another nail in our coffin for our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Hmmm hubby left his pay stubs out by pc no big deal cause we have direct deposit but i noticed hes filing single now what is that all about? Do i worry? Do i dare even bring it up knowing it will most likely be a sore subject and cause a fight? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Hmmm hubby left his pay stubs out by pc no big deal cause we have direct deposit but i noticed hes filing single now what is that all about? Do i worry? Do i dare even bring it up knowing it will most likely be a sore subject and cause a fight? Ignore it! Could be anything, I always took single/zero dependents in order to have a nice tax return when i filed. Could be that he filled out the forms on a downswing. Either way it doesn't mean a thing unless you let it. If you bring it up, it WILL turn into a fight, expose you of snooping (and he may be baiting you after you left your password out for him) or he may be trying to return the favor of transparency. Trying to figure out every action he does will drive you nutty and you still won't be getting a definitive answer. Absorb the information and then let it go until you have a chance to put the whole picture together. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Remember too that he started a new job in the midst of this....he could have been feeling despondent and told them to file it that way. You don't know what it means right now Allie...actions...has he filed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 Thx Tojaz i needed the reminder to let it be. Another situation arised tonight too... Ugh my friend told me that she asked this nosey wife if they could get their kids together for pizza was told by the nosey wife lady that as long as shes friends with me shes going to be drug into the drama, and that her name keeps coming up in the drama so she cant go for puzza with my friend.. Im so sick of ppl i mean really this whole mess isnt anyones business and if shes my friend keeps getting brought up does that mean my hubby is talking to this nosey wife about stuff? He told me he wasnt but hes been giving my friend the cold shoulder since this all went down. I gotta say though this friend does tend to screw stuff up and maybe even lie a little. Im kinda feeling like shes a trader anyway because she bad mouths this nosey wife and knows what this lady has said about me and yet she asks her to get their kids together for pizza? Kinda weird huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 Remember too that he started a new job in the midst of this....he could have been feeling despondent and told them to file it that way. You don't know what it means right now Allie...actions...has he filed? Nope he hasnt filed yet. His withholdings are single/1. I know he thought about changing it before with old job from married to single because his job wasnt taking enough out, but he never did change it. So maybe he just decided to do it when he started this job 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Thx Tojaz i needed the reminder to let it be. Another situation arised tonight too... Ugh my friend told me that she asked this nosey wife if they could get their kids together for pizza was told by the nosey wife lady that as long as shes friends with me shes going to be drug into the drama, and that her name keeps coming up in the drama so she cant go for puzza with my friend.. Im so sick of ppl i mean really this whole mess isnt anyones business and if shes my friend keeps getting brought up does that mean my hubby is talking to this nosey wife about stuff? He told me he wasnt but hes been giving my friend the cold shoulder since this all went down. I gotta say though this friend does tend to screw stuff up and maybe even lie a little. Im kinda feeling like shes a trader anyway because she bad mouths this nosey wife and knows what this lady has said about me and yet she asks her to get their kids together for pizza? Kinda weird huh? It is wierd, but i wouldn't call her a traitor. Pizza with the kids is for the kids, shes not going to coffee with little miss nosey. Nosey wife may be talking to hubby and because of that, feels like she has to take sides, its common. Not much you can do about it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 Oh yeah she took sides, shes the one who hates me and my hubby confronted about gossiping, the same one his buddy is married to, the samw one whose pres of the football league and the same idiot that hubby used to say he couldnt stand. I guess i worry to much what ppl say and think. Truth is my friend has been kinda sketchy too and shes trying to be friends with everyone but my hubby told me to becareful of her so im thinking she may be trouble Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 At work I took the lady I care for to visit her 92 year old friend. Listening to them talk about their husbands (whom have both passed) and their many years together and memories made me so sad. To think that future I had in my plans with Dh could be over. Sure life goes on if we divorce and etc but the sadness is awful, knowing i cant control the outcome. I know all i can control is my actions and words. It really makes me want to get myself in check so if nothing else I'll know I tried everything to make ammends and move forward and that i acted with dignity and respect. Today really is making me think about what really matters and what doesnt. All the things i hope to do someday with hubby i truly hope are still possible. If any of you can please say a prayer for my husband and i today as a lot of our family/friends are too in hopes of the power of prayer. Im not overly religious infact sadly enough i am in times of need but im hopeful in trying. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 At work I took the lady I care for to visit her 92 year old friend. Listening to them talk about their husbands (whom have both passed) and their many years together and memories made me so sad. To think that future I had in my plans with Dh could be over. Sure life goes on if we divorce and etc but the sadness is awful, knowing i cant control the outcome. I know all i can control is my actions and words. It really makes me want to get myself in check so if nothing else I'll know I tried everything to make ammends and move forward and that i acted with dignity and respect. Today really is making me think about what really matters and what doesnt. All the things i hope to do someday with hubby i truly hope are still possible. If any of you can please say a prayer for my husband and i today as a lot of our family/friends are too in hopes of the power of prayer. Im not overly religious infact sadly enough i am in times of need but im hopeful in trying. I'm not a religious man Allie, but you have all the good wishes I can give you. You stay positive too, its not over until its over. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I can relate Allie - a visit with my 80 year old grandmother yesterday who has been widowed 20 years...sometimes the little things do not really matter, the two people living in their own life do. People don't marry expecting divorce...they marry expecting to move through the stages of their life, the trials and tribulations. Many positive thoughts your way....make them positive and rise above the backlash because at the end of the day, there is only the two of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 Do any of you think Pride factors in to my situation? Meaning my husbands pride. I thought about it last night that with so many ppl knowing maybe hes to proud to forgive me and make up now? He did say I made a fool of him and how embarrassed he was at his old job. He left there but with ppl knowing at football i wonder if he feels that way? He is very proud but typically he woukd say i dont care what ppl think. Like tojaz pointed out there is nothing typical about this anymore Link to post Share on other sites
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