tojaz Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Do any of you think Pride factors in to my situation? Meaning my husbands pride. I thought about it last night that with so many ppl knowing maybe hes to proud to forgive me and make up now? He did say I made a fool of him and how embarrassed he was at his old job. He left there but with ppl knowing at football i wonder if he feels that way? He is very proud but typically he woukd say i dont care what ppl think. Like tojaz pointed out there is nothing typical about this anymore I think pride plays a big part in a lot of the situations here. I wish i could give you an answer, but you know your H and I don't. I would guess that pride is part of it and another part would be that his telling of the tale is most likely a lot different then yours, because how he has experienced it is very different then how you have. When/if you to begin trying again, those stories are going to be compared and there are going to be things that don't add up on both sides, If pride is playing a part, my guess would be that is where it would show up. Have you had the opportunity to hear his version? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 His version has changed. At first he was thinking i lied about being preggo and etc now his major complaint is that when i spotted i didnt tell him or call dr, and then also the lies about going to dr. He has also mentioned how embarrased he was at work and i apologized cause i never thought of that. He said i risked my own life by not going to get bloodwork and he was pretty pissed about that Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Well, allie couldnt keep her old trap shut. Im so disappointed in myself! I saw a mutual friend had posted a thing on fb and hubby liked it so i flew off the handle. The picture on fb said "it sucks when you realize you rejected people for the one person you wasted your time with" I know i know bad Allie! Couldnt even make it a week. I went out saying oh you rejected ppl for me and i was a waste of time? He said huh? Then it turned into me saying hes prob cheating him denying, Fight went bad then hubby said he didnt care for me and he could careless if i go hook up with someone else cause he doesnt want me and he doesnt even look at me. He said nothing i say is going to change things its over!! He said isnt moving out till july and i said well then ill go and he said if i do that he'll tell landlord. He let some stuff slip that he could only read in my email. He said that he thinks im trying to move to OK i said what makes you think so? He said your buddy sent you apartments in ok. Well she did and i guess he is checking my email. But why? Lol I asked why he cared he of course said he didnt and he didnt know why he married me. Then he got cocky and whatever i said he agreed to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Oh yeah i brought up him having filing as single. He said he did that because the other job he was afraid didnt take out enough and with working two different places its better to have them take more than owe, then he said a funny thing for a guy divorcing... Ill change it in January back to married. He also said if i have something seriously wrong medically he hopes it gets me faster! That was so mean!!! I know actions not words but ugh it hard. There was other stuff said too about how he thinks im a liar and untrustworthy and stuff about my dd and about football and he told me he cuts ties with his grandma. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 He also told me i should move on and not consider myself married. He saidi need to accept its over :-( Link to post Share on other sites
the ill-made knight Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Are you in IC? If so, what does your counselor think of all this? I think you need to try a different approach. The one you are working with now simply isn't working. If he says he wants a divorce, I'd give him a divorce. Do you have the means to leave? I'd do so. Immediately. I'd tell him that this isn't what you want, but if he refuses to budge you have no choice. Basically, I think it's time to call his bluff. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Wow! I really don't know what to say here except I'm sorry you had to go through all that. There was so much said there that it's hard to make heads or tails out of it this early in the morning. He was down right nasty, but then why throw in that he will change his witholding back to married? Why is he intent on you staying there when you offered to leave? Sadly it sounds like things are getting more volatile, yet he plans to stay until July? This makes no sense. Did he say anything else? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Just that money is why he isnt leaving and im going to have to be stuck eith him till July!he said its time i learn how to do things on my own with the car too. Cause i brought that up. He talked a lot about not believing me on things and if ppl are still gossiping that whoever is telling me needs to come tell him he doesnt believe me. He said he has my rings in a safe place. He said many times that he wasnt cheating. I told him im in a sexless marriage and he said i dont have to worry about his hands ever touching me again. He told me i was the worst person ever and a huge FU came out at one point too Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Are you in IC? If so, what does your counselor think of all this? I think you need to try a different approach. The one you are working with now simply isn't working. If he says he wants a divorce, I'd give him a divorce. Do you have the means to leave? I'd do so. Immediately. I'd tell him that this isn't what you want, but if he refuses to budge you have no choice. Basically, I think it's time to call his bluff. I was but i lost insurance so im not right now. We have a lease and if i leave he cant afford it and they will come after me. He says he wants a divorce but he hasnt done anything to get it Link to post Share on other sites
ace5950 Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 You need to look at this situation realistically. There is no way you can stay in the house with him until July. It's not healthy for you, your daughter, or him. Things can be done about the lease. There is the option of a sublease. You could also go to your landlord and explain the situation you are in and they might be willing to work with you. Can you really do this for 10 more months? Think about how this is effecting you and most importantly your daughter. Staying in the same house with him is not going to make him love you again, or want to stay together. You may not realize it but right now you are letting him have so much control you. Hes told you he wants a Divorce and I agree with the above post about "calling his bluff", but also be prepared to follow through with it. Call your landloard and figure out a situation for the apartment. Find yourself a new apartment. Get all your ducks in a row and sit him down and tell him how it is. Don't ask, tell! Start taking charge. Hes not going to know what hit him and you will feel fantastic! Link to post Share on other sites
ace5950 Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Also the IC I see offers a sliding scale payment option for people with out insurance so that it always an option to find someone like that. After I started to see a therapist and had a 3rd party tell me I was in an unhealthy relationship it really helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 You need to look at this situation realistically. There is no way you can stay in the house with him until July. It's not healthy for you, your daughter, or him. Things can be done about the lease. There is the option of a sublease. You could also go to your landlord and explain the situation you are in and they might be willing to work with you. Can you really do this for 10 more months? Think about how this is effecting you and most importantly your daughter. Staying in the same house with him is not going to make him love you again, or want to stay together. You may not realize it but right now you are letting him have so much control you. Hes told you he wants a Divorce and I agree with the above post about "calling his bluff", but also be prepared to follow through with it. Call your landloard and figure out a situation for the apartment. Find yourself a new apartment. Get all your ducks in a row and sit him down and tell him how it is. Don't ask, tell! Start taking charge. Hes not going to know what hit him and you will feel fantastic! Sadly enough landlord wont let us out and subleasing isnt allowed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Today i decided to have a clear all bare all meeting with hubby! He had plans tonight but i put to him like this: we need to talk and work out some details ans bare it all so to speak.and that this is important and nothing else should matter. He said he could but he refused to discuss anything other than divorce dealings. I said no its either everything discussed or nothing and thats the only way i'll do it, so i expected him to not come home but he did. We talked for 4 hours. He still wants divorce but somethings have been resolved. I apologized for the asscusation, my impulsive behavior, and for the mean nasty things ive said to him over the last 3 months. I felt it was needed, cause i did and said things im not proud of. He also apoligized to me. That was nice! He said he understands the state i was in when i lied but he said it was just to big of a sting. At this point friendship is the goal first because id like him to be in dds life still. Weird parts... He had phone call and was telling me who it was, he told me all about work, football, and the gossips. He eluded to sticking up for me too. I told him i had texted his friends to apologize for dragging them our crap a few months back he replied with he knew he had scene it on my att record today. So hes checking my records? Confusing. He seemed to open up to me and be receptive. I made sure his feelings were acknowledged and he knew i was sorry and remorseful. I hope we can keep it this way and im sure hes wondering that too. I was sincerly open and honest with him and i think he knew it. Afterwards, i went to get dd at her friends and when i came back he told me on monday hes going to replace my valve stems on my car.i still love him but its out of my hands and all i can be is my true self. Im so sick of being this paranoid, impulsive wack job. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Today i decided to have a clear all bare all meeting with hubby! He had plans tonight but i put to him like this: we need to talk and work out some details ans bare it all so to speak.and that this is important and nothing else should matter. He said he could but he refused to discuss anything other than divorce dealings. I said no its either everything discussed or nothing and thats the only way i'll do it, so i expected him to not come home but he did. We talked for 4 hours. He still wants divorce but somethings have been resolved. I apologized for the asscusation, my impulsive behavior, and for the mean nasty things ive said to him over the last 3 months. I felt it was needed, cause i did and said things im not proud of. He also apoligized to me. That was nice! He said he understands the state i was in when i lied but he said it was just to big of a sting. At this point friendship is the goal first because id like him to be in dds life still. Weird parts... He had phone call and was telling me who it was, he told me all about work, football, and the gossips. He eluded to sticking up for me too. I told him i had texted his friends to apologize for dragging them our crap a few months back he replied with he knew he had scene it on my att record today. So hes checking my records? Confusing. He seemed to open up to me and be receptive. I made sure his feelings were acknowledged and he knew i was sorry and remorseful. I hope we can keep it this way and im sure hes wondering that too. I was sincerly open and honest with him and i think he knew it. Afterwards, i went to get dd at her friends and when i came back he told me on monday hes going to replace my valve stems on my car.i still love him but its out of my hands and all i can be is my true self. Im so sick of being this paranoid, impulsive wack job. Bold move Allie. I think its good that you tried to get everything out in the open. His actions still confuse me to no end. I hate to say it, but it almost seems like he's trying to keep you off balance! Or is that just how i'm reading it? So, what now? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 (edited) Not sure what comes next but that convo helped me a lot. I dont feel like i need to worry with some things like i had. He really let me know a ton of things. We talked like we used to except for the fact he brought up divorce in convo. The first thing i did in the " meeting " was give him paper and pen and i said ok what do you want in the house? That was hard because i still want to work things out but i needed to get on his side. And right now that is what he wanted to discuss that lasted no lie 15 mins with him saying umm and just being quiet for about 8 mins. I think i took him off guard. The rest of the hours we spent talking about feelings and the he-said, she-said crap. He told me how he really felt about ppl and cleared up some of my fears. He didnt bring divorce up again and i did let him know he coukd have relationship with dd even once he moves out. He still did say he in that about that might make it hurt her when he does go. I know i need to see actions. And his actions yesterday are quite out door. He woukd never of sat there and done that if they were for 4 hours and it only ended then because i wanted to leave it on a good note and let it sink in so i left to get my daughter then. Also him checking att and my email if he was 100% checked out i dont think hed do that. Anyway im done hiding i have to build on this asap i cant just have that great convo opening up communication and hide again. There were times when I cried telling him about how sorry i was for my lies and hurting him and about divorce and i noticed he could look at me instead he looked straight ahead. When he talked about his feelings and hows this all stinks he couldnt look at me either. I do believe it hurts him just as much. He did tell me being home is hard for him and that friend had helped him keep sane. He said he doesnt have interest in any relationships with anyone else anytime in the near future but then said somewhere down the road who knows. That really hurt so i dunno. I really must sound patheic but im still hopeful i can this around and it really starts by me taking back control of my life from these ppl i let run me, they clearly were trying to get him and apart and he realizes it now and so do i and we are going to let them cause us more crap. It also starts with me being 100% honest and last night I was. I bared my guts and i could tell he believed me. It was a good feeling again to know i was believed. I feel so hopeful Edited September 8, 2012 by AllieKat Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 I forgot to tell hubby about one friend i had texted so i texted hubby and told him in an effort to be honest. I think hes pissed cause he wont even look at me today. I thought we made progress but doesnt seem so. Plus i know he was looking forward to helping buddy at race tonight but it got cancelled due to weather so hes stuck at home Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Lol im posting to myself here! Hubby looked mad last night so this morning i confronted him ver kindly and said are you upset with me over texting that one friend? He said no! I said ok and im very sorry i did it but i wanted you to know. Then we talked about work and some misc stuff. About two hours i was in room folding clothes and he came in and pointed to my jewelry box and said your rings are in here. I said ok thanks and he said yep! I got my rings back but sadly he didnt take his ring out of there so i guess he just gave them back cause i wanted them. Now do i wear them? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Hi Allie - I'm sorry, I haven't been able to reply for several days as my son was in a bad accident and has been in the hospital where he had to have surgery for a head injury. Hopefully Tojaz or someone can give some guidance soon. On the rings, just hold onto them until you see something that warrants a better sign?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Trippi no worries! Im so sorry about your son! You have my prayers!!!! Love to you and your son and family Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Hi Allie, apologies for my absence. Have had a few "storms of life" of my own to negotiate the last couple days. I wouldn't wear the rings, I'm not sure if that is a nice gesture on his part or him trying to demonstrate his indifference. If you want to keep them close, wear them on a chain around your neck where he won't see them. I'm still reading and rereading the rest of what was posted to get myself back up to speed, but I would suggest going back a little and rereading our discussions about showing your H what "out" is really like and consequences-(for lack of better term) for his actions. Let him define the relationship, but it is up to you to enforce that definition so he experiences it to the fullest effect. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hi Allie, apologies for my absence. Have had a few "storms of life" of my own to negotiate the last couple days. I wouldn't wear the rings, I'm not sure if that is a nice gesture on his part or him trying to demonstrate his indifference. If you want to keep them close, wear them on a chain around your neck where he won't see them. I'm still reading and rereading the rest of what was posted to get myself back up to speed, but I would suggest going back a little and rereading our discussions about showing your H what "out" is really like and consequences-(for lack of better term) for his actions. Let him define the relationship, but it is up to you to enforce that definition so he experiences it to the fullest effect. TOJAZ I forgot to put in that the day we had the come to god bare it all meeting i told him i wanted my rings back because: 1) they are mine 2) they are pretty and i live them 3) i want to wear and 4) they will be my daughters someday. I voluneteered to run the clock with anither lady at football game today, hubby was announcing so we had to talk. He kept it very brief but he did talk to me and help me since i had no idea how to do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Ive really been thinking about leaving the home but im scared. Im so torn between waiting this out till he leaves in hopes it can get better or making a move to try to see if he reacts but thats risky and if i do that by leaving the house i start the date of seperation. Any thoughts on this? Ive had alot of ppl tell me when their hubby left he realized what he had after being away, like i said its risky though. Its also not fair if hes just staying cause he cant afford to go, heck thats not my problem. It makes me feel used for money Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Ive really been thinking about leaving the home but im scared. Im so torn between waiting this out till he leaves in hopes it can get better or making a move to try to see if he reacts but thats risky and if i do that by leaving the house i start the date of seperation. Any thoughts on this? Ive had alot of ppl tell me when their hubby left he realized what he had after being away, like i said its risky though. Its also not fair if hes just staying cause he cant afford to go, heck thats not my problem. It makes me feel used for money Allie, what happens next is beyond your control, so I would be sure that you have prepared yourself for either outcome before you decide to make a move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Yeah as much as feel like moving or making him move i dont think thats what i want if i did ask him to go its only cause i would hope it would make him miss me. Tojaz- what do you think about the rings? I know you said not to wear them but im so shocked hed give them back. Just not sure how to take it. I did adk for them back though Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Yeah as much as feel like moving or making him move i dont think thats what i want if i did ask him to go its only cause i would hope it would make him miss me. Tojaz- what do you think about the rings? I know you said not to wear them but im so shocked hed give them back. Just not sure how to take it. I did adk for them back though I would suggest you try not to focus too much on any one gesture. Be glad you got them back, and know that you will find out why in time. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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