Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

Thx tojaz-noted! I had some good interaction with hubby yesterday. I texted him to see if he was busy and he instantly called me only my iphone decided to actually die and i couldnt talk to him. Which is actually why i was calling. He sent me a text which i could read but then the phone offically went off and is still dead. Anyway he told me he was at a friends house returning his code reader. I sent him a text from dds phone and told him if he could call me when he leaves friends house. He did and we had a good convo not about anything but i told him about my phone and i asked if he was stopping home before football and he said it depended on traffic so i said ok well thanks for calling me and the information ( he was telling me how to remove sim and where the tool was) and he said sure no problem. Then he stopped by home to make sure i got out sim card and to see if he could help. That i think was nice and ill take what i can. Baby steps are better than no steps

[AllieKat]

Had good day! Hubby fixed my phone, well maybe it was the rice but im giving hubby credit. He also folded my clothes and dds that were in dryer and put them away. This is cool cause for the last 3 monthes hes just thrown them on bed for me or thrown in basket so for him to actually fold them and put them away, i was grateful. However Tojaz as you stated im not going to focus on any one gesture, just taking it day by day and keeping myself in check.

 

On another note i took myself to weight watchers tonight. I want to lose a few lbs and thought the social aspect would be good for me. I didnt make a friend go either i did it a by myself and im proud of me. Its been awhile since ive stepped into something all by my lonesome but i had to take that first step. Hopefully to be followed by some more "me steps"

[AllieKat]

Lol and when he came home he went right into scooping kitty litter!! Oh boy whoever this guy is today he can stay ;-) just grateful

[tojaz]

Sounds like the roller coaster has come full circle..... again. The good part about that, is that you know what has happened in the past and what the result to that was. Now your taking a different approach and slowing down.

 

I still don't think its good to let him get cozy in his grey area again, so while you wan't to keep things nice and pleasant, don't compromise yourself for that.

 

Also glad to hear that you got yourself out into the world and did something for you. Keep it up.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Feeling a little down this evening not much interaction with hubby and i know baby steps is the way to go. But im so impatient just need some good advice or a kick.. Lol. When i came home he looked right at me as to say hi but i fidnt say a peep and i wish i had. I guess i expect conversation everyday especially after a good day.

[tojaz]

Relax a little Allie. Its possible that what was a good day for you was a little uncomfortable for him. No interaction is still better then the bad interaction which is what had usually followed a good day.

 

You had a good day and he would typically come back at that looking to create distance again, or you would push too hard etc.

 

Try hard to be patient and break the cycle. Do that and a good day can turn into 2... or 3....or who knows.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thx tojaz- i need to keep that all in mind.when i get inpatient this is when i get impulsive, so im trying to just relax.

[tojaz]

Thx tojaz- i need to keep that all in mind.when i get inpatient this is when i get impulsive, so im trying to just relax.

 

Sometimes it helps to write down whatever is on your mind when you get that way. Not all impulsiveness is bad, just want to act with a clear head. If you write it down and then come back to it once you have leveled off a little, you can read what you were thinking or what you wanted to do in the heat of the moment and see it more objectively before you act. Plus it makes a handy pressure release valve when your upset.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I browsed through some old posts, mostly the ones I made when hubby was not talking to me in April. And i see some of the same patterns he gives a little then hes cold and quiet. He did this even when he knew I was pregnant, which i think if he was mad at me while i was preggo to me it just shows his hurt.

 

It seems like he opens up then pulls back ALOT! And i think that maybe thats his struggling with his feelings. So if hes struggling thats still ok for us because it means hes not set. Now im really banking on his few nice gestures are signs of struggling but looking back it really does seem like his few gestures are just that. Its a week today since We've cleared the air so to speak and i think that opening up and saying it all honestly will help maybe it has already, i dunno. I do think like mentioned so many times consistency is important. Im really behaving myself, no overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Its been a struggle too i find myself looking for "issues" but ive bitten my tongue!

 

Still hopeful here!!!!

[AllieKat]

I want to add this for thought.... One thing Hubby is very good at is if I ask him to call me via text he always does it right away. This baffles me too, when he was first mad he ignored all my texts and calls. But recently over the last few weeks even the simple text to him " r u busy" gets an instant phone call from him.

[tojaz]

I browsed through some old posts, mostly the ones I made when hubby was not talking to me in April. And i see some of the same patterns he gives a little then hes cold and quiet. He did this even when he knew I was pregnant, which i think if he was mad at me while i was preggo to me it just shows his hurt.

 

It seems like he opens up then pulls back ALOT! And i think that maybe thats his struggling with his feelings. So if hes struggling thats still ok for us because it means hes not set. Now im really banking on his few nice gestures are signs of struggling but looking back it really does seem like his few gestures are just that. Its a week today since We've cleared the air so to speak and i think that opening up and saying it all honestly will help maybe it has already, i dunno. I do think like mentioned so many times consistency is important. Im really behaving myself, no overreacting and jumping to conclusions. Its been a struggle too i find myself looking for "issues" but ive bitten my tongue!

 

Still hopeful here!!!!

 

Theres nothing wrong with paying attention and being observant Allie, as a matter of fact you have picked up on a lot along the way. Its what happens once you have found something that may help or feel hubby should hear that you have to watch out for. The instinct is to take off running to hubby as soon as you can and get it out. I often compare it to the difference between a fine dinner and just taking lunch at your desk.

 

Enjoying a fine dinner, you take your time enjoy each course to the fullest before moving on to the next so that you get as much out of the experience as you can. Sneaking lunch at your desk is all about necessity and rush. Something to get out of the way.

 

A lot of your interaction with H has been like that rushed lunch. As soon as you have something on your mind you hurry in while the emotions are hot to share with him. Keep looking, but allow yourself to take a more deliberate approach (which is what it seems like your doing now) give yourself time to get a grip on not only whats on your mind, but how he may see thing as well, let the story develop before you pass it along.

 

As for his gestures, I know I keep saying this, but time will tell! He may be struggling, he may be feeling some guilt, he may just be doing them. You are in a very analytical state right now Allie, its easy to jump the gun and see a deep meaning buried behind the cat box or porch light. He on the other hand has his focus directed towards defense and hes not really looking for things like that and probably doesn't even know why he is compelled to do these things.

 

The one thing I do know is that the more of these gestures that happen, the better insight you will have. Time is on your side Allie, let it work for you.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Another add on piece of info here.... Ive still been hiding in room. However tonight as I type this I'm sitting on couch with mr not talking! :-/

[AllieKat]

Theres nothing wrong with paying attention and being observant Allie, as a matter of fact you have picked up on a lot along the way. Its what happens once you have found something that may help or feel hubby should hear that you have to watch out for. The instinct is to take off running to hubby as soon as you can and get it out. I often compare it to the difference between a fine dinner and just taking lunch at your desk.

 

Enjoying a fine dinner, you take your time enjoy each course to the fullest before moving on to the next so that you get as much out of the experience as you can. Sneaking lunch at your desk is all about necessity and rush. Something to get out of the way.

 

A lot of your interaction with H has been like that rushed lunch. As soon as you have something on your mind you hurry in while the emotions are hot to share with him. Keep looking, but allow yourself to take a more deUliberate approach (which is what it seems like your doing now) give yourself time to get a grip on not only whats on your mind, but how he may see thing as well, let the story develop before you pass it along.

 

As for his gestures, I know I keep saying this, but time will tell! He may be struggling, he may be feeling some guilt, he may just be doing them. You are in a very analytical state right now Allie, its easy to jump the gun and see a deep meaning buried behind the cat box or porch light. He on the other hand has his focus directed towards defense and hes not really looking for things like that and probably doesn't even know why he is compelled to do these things.

 

The one thing I do know is that the more of these gestures that happen, the better insight you will have. Time is on your side Allie, let it work for you.

 

TOJAZ

 

Your right Tojaz! Great example too! Im so over anxious cause Im so afraid the more time that passes they less he'll feel for me! I think i feel like time will kill his feeling for me if he even still has any feelings left for me

[tojaz]

Your right Tojaz! Great example too! Im so over anxious cause Im so afraid the more time that passes they less he'll feel for me! I think i feel like time will kill his feeling for me if he even still has any feelings left for me

 

Allie, there have been a lot of times on LS that I have wished I had a crystal ball so i could just tell someone how it all turned out so I could set their mind at ease. I don't have that of course, but I can offer the things I've seen reading posts here for the last 3 years and of course my own first hand experience.

 

What that has shown me is that when someone is really dead set on ending a relationship, they put it in the ground. They don't usually just hang around working on the STBX's car and cleaning out the litter box. In my own, my ex was out of the house and staying wherever she could within 2 weeks time and a good majority of stories here follow that trend.

 

I'm not saying anything more then I have typed there because like I said, my crystal ball is on the fritz, but I would guess that he is struggling with a lot of things, and that keeps the roller coaster rolling. What those things are or how they will play out.... I only wish I knew.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I feel the same Tojaz- i mean its hard to think he is just set on D with him doing that stuff. Funny thing about car is he just got parts in the mail to do something else to my car, even though when we had that huge fight last thursdsy he told me im going to have to learn to take care of this stuff on my own.

 

Then today dd is running high fever and throwing up and i text him to let him ( hes at work) know im taking her to dr, i figured he cares about her and would wonder why shes missing from game today. I didnt want her coach coming u to hubby asking if she was feeling better and him not having a clue what shes talking about.

 

Also since we dont have insurance i wanted to let him

Know ill have to pay. All he replies back is thats fine. Never asked about dd! I had that instinct to go off but didnt cause it certainly isnt going to help. Things like that make me think he feels nothing for her or I. I guess if hes trying to not care how can he still pretend when shes ill, youd think his true care would come out right? So i dunno as much as i want to believe he still cares his actions today show the opposite

[AllieKat]

We also decided to do the chap 13! I actually decided and he agreed. I personally see it as a way to get our debt in check and regardless of the outcome of our situation it will help us. I have incured thousands of dollars in medical debt since we havent had insurance. Also maybe the financial stress will go away now and thats one less worry, though we never fought over money.

[tojaz]

I feel the same Tojaz- i mean its hard to think he is just set on D with him doing that stuff. Funny thing about car is he just got parts in the mail to do something else to my car, even though when we had that huge fight last thursdsy he told me im going to have to learn to take care of this stuff on my own.

 

Then today dd is running high fever and throwing up and i text him to let him ( hes at work) know im taking her to dr, i figured he cares about her and would wonder why shes missing from game today. I didnt want her coach coming u to hubby asking if she was feeling better and him not having a clue what shes talking about.

 

Also since we dont have insurance i wanted to let him

Know ill have to pay. All he replies back is thats fine. Never asked about dd! I had that instinct to go off but didnt cause it certainly isnt going to help. Things like that make me think he feels nothing for her or I. I guess if hes trying to not care how can he still pretend when shes ill, youd think his true care would come out right? So i dunno as much as i want to believe he still cares his actions today show the opposite

 

The times when you would expect him to soften are going to be the times hes going to be the most guarded and demonstrate his feelings to the fullest. Up to this point all of his "good" gestures have flown under the radar yet all of his "bad" moments where acted out for maximum impact.

 

bite your lip, let it ride, and keep your eyes open for another small gesture.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Im biting my lip tonight for sure. He went to a race with buddy and hour and a half away and it annoys me i see he liked posts on fb yet coukdnt text to see if his step daughter was feeling better, this kills me because he was never this way! Maybe hes trying to be an a$$ so i'll get over him quicker

[tojaz]

Since he doesn't really strike me as a cold hearted guy, I would keep in mind that right now he is not making decisions based solely on what is right for him or what his natural inclination would normally be, he is also considering how those actions might effect or be perceived by you as well.

 

Even if he wants to, if he thinks asking after DD might send a mixed message to you, he will choose to steer clear because of how mixed messages were reacted to in the past which was usually pressure from you, exactly what he is trying to avoid right now.

 

Your kind of in the opposite camp, your waiting for him to make a move that you would expect. Your stuck in a grey area Allie, if he had rushed home when he heard about DD you would be posting about how confused you were at how attentive hes been and how much he cared, if he had reacted negatively when you told him, you would be posting about what a monster he is.

 

He knows that, so I'm guessing he selected his standby road right down the middle and just avoided any confusion all together. Its not a great decision on his part but I would not be quick to take it as a slight towards DD.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

He got in at 3am and it was all i had to

Pretend i was sleeping and didnt care. I gotta say though he did tell me days prior he was going and how far away it was so i shouldnt be so surprised. I wish i could accept he isnt the same guy i used to know, at least not right now. I still hope that he will go back to being some of that same man but regardless we will both be diffetent from here on out. Thats both sad and happy.

 

I also wish i could get the thoughts out of my head that repeat certain things he said. It plays like a cd on repeat. Last nightall i could think was hearing him say he doesnt know what hes going to do now that racing is over. I want to say how bout working on your marriage!!! Grr i keep thinking hell find someone else too!!

Someone that wont lie to him!

[AllieKat]

Tojaz- sitting here thinking and rereading posts what you said about him being down the middle makes sense! I mean hes got mostly nothing but negative from me weekly for the last 3 1/2 mths and now im playing it cool and biting my tongue. Its been 9 days since ive lost my cool!! Anyway even if he is concerned he prob isnt going to show any emotion because i think its safe to say he feels safest in this " status quo mode" hes created. He even told me last week that his actions are that of self protection. So, till he feels it 110% safe hes staying in his mode. I just hope I can make him feel safe enough to come out sometime and join me in our marriage again

[tojaz]

Tojaz- sitting here thinking and rereading posts what you said about him being down the middle makes sense! I mean hes got mostly nothing but negative from me weekly for the last 3 1/2 mths and now im playing it cool and biting my tongue. Its been 9 days since ive lost my cool!! Anyway even if he is concerned he prob isnt going to show any emotion because i think its safe to say he feels safest in this " status quo mode" hes created. He even told me last week that his actions are that of self protection. So, till he feels it 110% safe hes staying in his mode. I just hope I can make him feel safe enough to come out sometime and join me in our marriage again

 

Allie, it's not about you making him feel safe. You can't! Thats something that he has to do himself. You can do some things to help your chances, but your not going to make anything happen until he opens himself up for that. He's not in a point where its just about trust, hes scared to death and he has found something convenient to hide behind. Don't blame yourself, he built this.

 

Thats why I go back to what I have been saying all along. You do have to keep your cool, but you don't have to make it easy for him either.

 

Think about it, he's in his shell because its easy for him, but what if he had to work at it???? What if life was going on all around him and he had to actively remove himself from it time and time again??

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Do you mean like dd and i being out in living room playing games or watching a movie right in front of him? We have been keeping busy but usually thats us leaving house to go somewhere to do something. I literally just started friday sitting in living room with him. I did stop hiding.

[tojaz]

Do you mean like dd and i being out in living room playing games or watching a movie right in front of him? We have been keeping busy but usually thats us leaving house to go somewhere to do something. I literally just started friday sitting in living room with him. I did stop hiding.

 

Yeah exactly. I think I told you to treat him like a house plant last time. Don't let life stop in your house just because he has decided he doesn't wan't to participate. If someone needs to leave the room to relieve the tension, let it be the one who's causing it.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Ok i remember that! I reread this thread a lot but its so hard to remember everything, it gets overwhelming especially when your in a state like im in! Ok then tonight i will start that. Dd has also slipped into a hiding stage too, and ive allowed her to do that but honestly its not good for her to do that either!