Forgiveness

[tojaz]

Trippi i can relate here my hubby had said when we had that fight right before this that me hiding in bedroom and having door shut made him feel like i didnt care. I remember thinking well if i thiught you cared i wouldnt be hiding! Lol but remembering him saying that is important he could indeed feel that way.

 

Before if he was running late hed text me or call... Always cause he knew i would worry. And i would not of giving him a hard tine at all. Though most times in evening even at these meeting i was there too filling my role.

 

When hubby left porch light on for me it did make me think i still cared. That part gets me sometimes cause im not sure to show him i do still care or to act like i dont and just go on about my business. I have been wearing the rings though the last two weeks and i know hes seen this because we sit on coy h together and have talked and hes very attentive with details. I know me wearing them will envoke mixed reactions from folks but if its bothering hubby he sure hasnt said so. And i did tell him i wanted to wear them prior to him giving them back

 

Allie, expanding on the importance of the "porch light". In watching your threads very closely, what I think I'm seeing in you and H's cycle is you being conditioned to accept his "status quo".

 

Right now he defines everything, he knows he can check out whenever he likes if things get too close for him and that all he has to do is take the trash out or gas up the car if you back to far away and using those gestures to protect that "status quo" that makes you so uncomfortable.

 

Yes you have learned a lot Allie, but I am also watching you try desperately to make a feast out of crumbs.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Yeah I think the little gestures mean a lot to me and I cling to this in hopes they are signs he still cares! To this point though me doing my own thing and doung for just me and dd and me not engaging in starting issues with him is the only thing that has seemed to help me and the thing that has made him come out of his cave so to speak at least for a little.

 

Do you think Im wasting my time or just putting to much into the "crumbs" hes giving me.

[AllieKat]

Im not really sure what else i can do other than accept status quo. The alternative seems to be either move out or make him? Honestly i dont do ANYTHING for him at all. Except let him alone and say ty when he does something

[AllieKat]

No hes not a monster at all. I have had that talk wirh him before and he said he has no desire to work things out. With that being said i was still pickung fights at that time with him and etc so i can kinda see why. I did ask him to leave to but as he told me he doesnt have and with hes right as far as lease goes. Now uts been 3 weeks since ive been good no fight picking and i have been doing my own thing everyday 7 days a week. I dont really no what else to do but im not in the frame of mind to go tell him to leave. Im just not feeling like thats going to do anything to help. I really think showing him the more independent not accusing, fighting allie is the way, at least for now. Im hoping.

 

 

Ugh all this advice makes me second guess myself. Makes me think im a fool

[AllieKat]

I guess i just dont wanna face that its over and telling him to leave makes me feel like its over cause i know hell go. I know i dont deserve a marriage like this, i know i screwed up but that was 4 mths ago and if he cant get over it he should go. I dont deserve to be someone he talks to 2-4 times a week! I dont deserve to wonder where he is and as his wife i dont deserve the no affection or cold shoulder. Neither does my daughter.

 

I half think he thinks because of money ill just stick it out as long as i can. And maybe that is part of it but id rather be flat ass broke then be ignored in my home and have my dd ignored. Somwtimes its hard to let go.

 

Tripp and tojaz if u all get a chance please chime in here i need some more help. Coop ty for your help too. LS has been such a positive for me.

 

Right now im scared, scared to make a wave scared that it will be the END. Even though the end probably already happened.

[trippi1432]

No hes not a monster at all. I have had that talk wirh him before and he said he has no desire to work things out. With that being said i was still pickung fights at that time with him and etc so i can kinda see why. I did ask him to leave to but as he told me he doesnt have and with hes right as far as lease goes. Now uts been 3 weeks since ive been good no fight picking and i have been doing my own thing everyday 7 days a week. I dont really no what else to do but im not in the frame of mind to go tell him to leave. Im just not feeling like thats going to do anything to help. I really think showing him the more independent not accusing, fighting allie is the way, at least for now. Im hoping.

 

 

Ugh all this advice makes me second guess myself. Makes me think im a fool

 

The bolded, yes, that was where you have made great improvements....and it's being consistent. Following the "crumbs", no. These gestures Allie were the same things he was doing despite whether or not there were issues....they have not been things that screamed he has a change of heart.

 

You're not a fool Allie because you are standing for your marriage and do not want the divorce. The gestures, bank them in your head and continue doing what you have been doing. But until he makes the move to a: start the divorce or b: approach you that he wants to make the marriage work you have been making positive progress for yourself....the benefit is whether he notices or not and which way on the fence he is going to go.

 

I keep saying that your situation is different, the reason is that it's easy to say serve someone up with the divorce option or make them leave because you will no longer stand for abuse, infidelity, total lack of respect....those things were not present in your marriage prior to this, I wouldn't say that they are present now either but there are hurt feelings on both sides that needs to be addressed. Until HE is ready to address them with you on a more emotionally intimate level (instead of his prideful stance), you have to continue making positive progress for you and DD.

[AllieKat]

Trippi i love you! In a friend way! Not because u tell me what i want to hear because you dont but because i asked for you to comment and you did and that means a lot!

 

Impulsive allie was all set to kick him out.. Lol but i do wonder is there a deadline i should set because i dont want to live this way till our lease is up. My gut fewling though is he still loves me and thats why he is here still. But i guess i could be wishful thinking too. I know baby steps but i cant help but feel 4 mths is a little long to still be hurt

[Yasuandio]

I recently read about this thing called "confirmation bias" that, after some careful consideration, that I discovered I was emeshed in.

 

Essentially, I have been in the habit - now, for years, dissecting my x-husbands behaviors and mixed signals. But, not in the context of the big picture - that is, within the context that he obviously wants a divorce from me because he does not live here.

 

Instead - each and every event, or contact I've had with him, I believe, I have re-interpreted to a degree - to fit the paradigm that would suit my ego and soothe my fears. That being - "he wants me back," or "he changed his mind," or "he's seen the light," or "he knows he was wrong," etc. But in the big picture - his true behavioral outcomes or "actions" demonstrate that his motive is he wants a divorce from me.

 

While it may be true - it appears he is dragging his feet - and making the process a protracted one; it may also be true that he is using a strategy to wear me down in order to save money, or, simply, he is too busy working to deal with it. However, through my "confirmation bias" I automatically assume the delay in the divorce, due to the withheld documents is some attempt to avoid the divorce - meaning he still loves me and wants to be with me. The cold, hard reality is that he has not lived here with me since December 2008. The fact that the divorce process has completed speaks for itself at this point.

 

I have applied this "confirmation bias" more than a thousand times to my separation situation. It has made me feel better, it has made the separation and ultimate divorce easier for me to accept. But I have been in denial for a long time. Learning about "confirmation bias" helps me to grasp the alternate explanation for all those guessing games I engaged in over the years, and finially accept the reality of the facts in my case. Does learning about "confirmation bias" help you? Yas

[AllieKat]

I probably do do what you said i use these gestures to make me think that he still loves me and cares when its very possible that he is just doing them to do them with no thought or meaning behind them. I remember many ppl on here saying actions not words and then id think ok his actions are showing me what?? Well right now they are showing me that he doesnt want to sleep in the same bed with me or spend time with me so... I guess Allies gut could be wrong.

 

 

I think Yas the confirmation bias is what i do. Never heard of it till now by the definition is

Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs!!

[Yasuandio]

Better to be aware of it now, rather than later. I looked back at my pathetic posts and threads since becoming a member of LS, and I just want to gag. Yas

[tojaz]

No hes not a monster at all. I have had that talk wirh him before and he said he has no desire to work things out. With that being said i was still pickung fights at that time with him and etc so i can kinda see why. I did ask him to leave to but as he told me he doesnt have and with hes right as far as lease goes. Now uts been 3 weeks since ive been good no fight picking and i have been doing my own thing everyday 7 days a week. I dont really no what else to do but im not in the frame of mind to go tell him to leave. Im just not feeling like thats going to do anything to help. I really think showing him the more independent not accusing, fighting allie is the way, at least for now. Im hoping.

 

 

Ugh all this advice makes me second guess myself. Makes me think im a fool

 

Your not a fool Allie. Your following your instincts, following your heart. The same thing anyone would do, and your right, walking up and threatening to throw him out is not going to help your situation.

 

What we have here though is a tough situation for those reading because you are in a rare spot where you are helping yourself and growing, but not really helping your situation. While not always possible, people on this board usually hope to help someone achieve both. It is a balance that at times seems very contradictory until finding a balance between the two can be found.

 

Thats the tricky part... balance. Knowing when to bend and when to stand firm. Bending buys you time, lets you learn. Being firm teaches him what your boundaries are, what is acceptable treatment of Allie and what is not.

 

He needs space...Bend

Feeling confined to your room....Firm

He continues to stay ther...Bend

He treats it like a motel rather then a family home...Firm

 

Right now your living in limbo Allie, and if your anything like me, its probably driving you a bit nuts. So you have to start asking yourself what are your actions doing to discourage that? He likes the "status quo" because its comfortable for him, if you continue to make it comfortable, then he has no reason to leave it in either direction, and he most likely won't until he A.chooses to, B.is forced to, or C.something even more comfortable comes along. I'm pulling for option A and I'm hoping he chooses wisely.

 

All you can do Allie is try and help your situation and improve your odds, give him the information to make that decision and that comes in two parts, 1. showing him the upside of staying in it, all that you bring to the table when things are good, the, watering the house plant, and 2. Showing him the downside of leaving, "turning the porch light off" let him see what its like to come back to a cold dark house or a locked door.

 

I saw you reply to Gunny today about your H being a Marine as well and your right they are tough, they have to be, but reading Gunnys posts over the years, especially the ones he directed towards me in my time of need, have taught me two things. First While tough they also hold a lot of respect for toughness in those around them even if not always in agreement, and two, though many would deny it, their hearts are not made of stone like they would have you believe. Stay strong Allie

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thanks for replying Tojaz it means so much and i do love you guys for taking your time on little old me. I know im growing but im holding out this hope and its just not amounting to anything. I just dont know if theres still hope to try for. I know nobody can tell me but how do you know when its hopeless? I mean the fact he hasnt filed and is still here is that a sign ir am i reading to much into that.

 

I know the kitty litter, trash, gas and stuff is stupid stuff doesnt mean squat. Its funny i knew my husband so well but would never of predicted this!

[tojaz]

marines are `tough` .. really?

 

Dying of starvation, living without fresh water, going through chemotherapy...the list goes on and on, is harder than being a `marine`

 

 

Tojaz ,,,, i`m with you on this.

 

It doesn`t mean , just cos you are on the front line, you should be treated differently? it`s just an excuse.

 

Ibet my job`s WAY more stressful than a marines!!! jeeeeez

 

Not about comparison or anybody being entitled to being treated differently.........

 

 

Over reactive? Not in my book! When one volutarily and of their own free will enters into a solem relationship of trust with anyone else? They are honor bound and obligated to place themselves above and beyond any suspiscion or doubt!

 

Policemen, judges, lawyers, clergymen, soliders, sailors, airmen, Marines, doctors, nurses, ............................wives and husbands.

 

In my book and in my house? There are just certain things that ones forsakes for the benefit of the relationship. Just that plain and just that simple.

 

Having gone down this merry little road once before? I won't go down it again. Just that damn plain and simple. You need but give me a reason t suspect something is afoot. I don't need videos, pictures, "Cheaters" Jerry Springer, The National Enquire. You get one shot at this! Don't screw it up?

 

Am I insecure? Jealous? Absolutely not. I KNOW for a fact what I've got to offer a woman and what I've got to bring to the table. I know that I've got a lot to offer the"right" woman. I'm a good man with a lot of good love to give. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Jealous? No, jealously to me is defined as being insecure of losing someone in the light of the least amount of competition or attention from another. Me, myself and I don't have that worry nor problem.

 

I'm not a neanthral about it either. Mrs Gunny has friends that are men, lots of them via Facebook etc. She was friends with them before she and I got together, and I don't have any problems with her being friends with them after the fact. I wouldn't have a problem with her speaking to her XH.

 

The different variable to the equaition here?

 

OPENESS.

 

Mrs Gunny has access to my e-mail, I hers, to our Facebook accounts, passwords, PIN numbers to our accounts etc. I don't go around accessing them because I trust her. But I could if I were so inclined to do so ~ and she mine. I don't hide things from her. She doesn't hide things from me. I gave her mine ~ and didn't ask her for hers. We're just on the "up and up" with one another when it comes to that sort of thing. Just keeping it real and keeping it honest.

 

But once you've violated that trust with me? There's no getting it back, there's no fixing it with me. That's just the way that I am. Just the way my deluxe brain housing group is wired. Just the way tha' the Good Lord made me.

 

I have a "Code" that I live by.

 

I will not be lied to! I don't lay my hand upon another! I will not be cheated! I will not be played a fool! I will not be disrespected (ESPECIALLY IN MY OWN HOUSE! )

 

I do not do these things to others and I sure as Hell will not stand for them to be done to me!

 

I not always right ~ and work hard at not being wrong. I check, double check, and triple facts. I hold my honor, reputation, and integrity to very high personal standards for myself and no other(s). I strive with the very fiber of my very being to adher to these things.

 

Anyone lies to me? Even a littled "white lie" or even through obmission? I'm done with you! Forever and a day I'm done with you. I don't try to judge people? (But by the Grace of Almighty God there go I!) but I've no time for liars, cheaters, thieves, crooks, con-artist, dishonest people. If your my wife? Multiply that by a factor of ten or even more!

 

Here in the South you don't go around let alone into another man's house unless you're (1) Kin, (2) invited, (3) Have business to conduct there. Most men I know here in the South won't even go up on the porch if the husband isn't there, let alone into the house? Its a damned good way to get yourself shot and a free ride in an ambulance. There's no shortage of men I know that if they come home and find the preacher there alone with their wives? There had best be a dead something around needing last rights said over? If not? There may vary well be! (I'm not kidding with that last sentence!)

 

And it has nothing to do with insecurity, jealousy etc. It has to do with openess, honesty, holding oneself above queston and reproach. Its about honor, honoring your neighbor, truthfulness, openess between man and wife,...................................

 

But most of all? Its about RESPECT!

 

....but about this post which is more about personality and emotional "toughness" rather then a chosen profession......

 

Damn Gunny your tough!! Not sure if you commented on my thread I think you did but My hubby is a little like you and we too had each others passwords too. Till i screwed up. My hubby was, well the proper term is IS a Marine. He thinks a lot like you here but I'm hoping he can forgive instead of your feelings that lie once thats it!

 

Our rings even say semper fi :-(

 

.... and a reference to Allies response to said post.

[tojaz]

Thanks for replying Tojaz it means so much and i do love you guys for taking your time on little old me. I know im growing but im holding out this hope and its just not amounting to anything. I just dont know if theres still hope to try for. I know nobody can tell me but how do you know when its hopeless? I mean the fact he hasnt filed and is still here is that a sign ir am i reading to much into that.

 

 

 

You just know when it is done Allie. I gave up hope about 6 months after the D was final. Some give up as soon as papers are drawn up, some hold out forever.

 

I know members here that cut off and went NC and never looked back, and I know some who were divorced for years and ended up remarrying. Its impossible to predict.

 

Rather then looking for signs and asking for us to interpret them, you just have to go with it and play the hand your dealt the best you can.

 

In other words, its over when its over or when you decide you want it to be over. Which ever comes first.

 

I know the kitty litter, trash, gas and stuff is stupid stuff doesnt mean squat. Its funny i knew my husband so well but would never of predicted this!

I never said it didn't mean anything, nor am I trying to downplay how you feel about his gestures. I'm saying not to settle for that or to make yourself be content with it because its all your getting.

 

If you are content with "status quo" then thats all you will get, but you deserve better then that, you know it, I know it, Coop, Yas, and Sapentia all know it. Thats why we take the time. Even if it is a kick in the head some times.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

No im definately no wanting to settle for status quo. He hasnt said that in awhile. In fact theres several things he hasnt said for awhile and things he said at the same time he was saying those that i dont think he meant. Now thats not to say he didnt mean status quo but ive noticed hes backed down from some many if the things hes said. He waa harsh, hes been different lately and though i will try not to base my whole marriage on his gestures they are gestures he stopped doing. And has just recently started again. Thats a change whether its a good one and holds any meaning well thats yet to be determined and only he knows.

 

One thing ive realized is that 3 weeks ago when we aat and talked and i poured it out and was 100% truthful i knew at that point he knew i was telling the truth where in the previous conversations i know he wasnt quite believing me on stuff. Not that i was lying but i was guarded and cautious to tell him somethings.

 

My changes are new still and not first instinct yet so i have work but i think he needs to see more of this in me before he comes around, if hes going to. I know if i was him and knowing him like i did hes not about to just forgive me and have things go back to the way they we were. Because afterall i had threatened him 2 and then lied. Hes deeply wounded he may not ever get over it and move forward with me but i'll never know if i dont try

[tojaz]

No im definately no wanting to settle for status quo. He hasnt said that in awhile. In fact theres several things he hasnt said for awhile and things he said at the same time he was saying those that i dont think he meant. Now thats not to say he didnt mean status quo but ive noticed hes backed down from some many if the things hes said. He waa harsh, hes been different lately and though i will try not to base my whole marriage on his gestures they are gestures he stopped doing. And has just recently started again. Thats a change whether its a good one and holds any meaning well thats yet to be determined and only he knows.

 

One thing ive realized is that 3 weeks ago when we aat and talked and i poured it out and was 100% truthful i knew at that point he knew i was telling the truth where in the previous conversations i know he wasnt quite believing me on stuff. Not that i was lying but i was guarded and cautious to tell him somethings.

 

My changes are new still and not first instinct yet so i have work but i think he needs to see more of this in me before he comes around, if hes going to. I know if i was him and knowing him like i did hes not about to just forgive me and have things go back to the way they we were. Because afterall i had threatened him 2 and then lied. Hes deeply wounded he may not ever get over it and move forward with me but i'll never know if i dont try

 

Thats great stuff Allie, thats why i keep telling you that you have come along way, and yes there has been a lot of positive response from him as well.

 

It can't just be about you though, because your not the only one that broke it. His distance has never been about you owning up to your part, he had a hand in the break down as well and that's the part he's shying away from, and it's something you have shied away from as well, at least here on LS.

 

For every threat there is a situation that brought it, for the lie, there is a reason you chose that road and a good portion of that is going to land at his feet.

 

Even if he hasn't said the words, he is still clinging to that Status quo, not just with you, but with others as well. Trying to fly under the radar hoping to just coast through and somehow come out the other side. Thats not the way it works though and the facade only lasts so long.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Your right i lied but he shut down. And hes not dealing with this situation. If i bring it up hell address it but his response seems somewhat cold and thoughtout. Im not sure i understand why he wants to live in status quo if that is still what hes doing. Im not sure on that. Like i said i kinda think hes waiting to see more change and is being guarded.

 

Him saying he has no plan is strange to me. The other thing is he has NEVER lived alone and im wondering if that scares him. I have known him to stay in homes he wasnt happy in just cause he didnt have other options. Actually ive seen this 3 times with his mom, and twice with roomates. I do think this is a little different though because we are married and have been together in a mostly happy relationship for 10 years. I think that is hard to walk away from especially if you still have feelings.

 

But if he really doesnt have feelings and staying here till july is just his way of staying afloat well thats not fair to me or dd and i know im not going to be able to do this till july. I dont need someone sharing my space that is like a houseplant. Personally i really dont like plants that much anyway.

 

Id like to think that hes just taking awhile to get over this but its hard to think that way everyday. How can he not have a plan though especially if hes so done? One thing is i cant allow this to go on forever either because it sends wrong message to dd. i dont want her to think its ok for a man to treat you this way. I think im going to see how the next few weeks go then set a deadline no improvement then im asking him to go if i see him rengaging then ill be patient. If me changing and bettering myself doesnt ignite his feeling then nothing will and it needs to be done. I want badly to save this marriage but not in the state it is. Heck i can get a guy to pay the bills and ignore me anywhere

[AllieKat]

Didnt sleep much did a lot of thinking.

 

Feel like because hubby wasnt talking yesterday to me I kinda got that impulsive feeling to end it all last night. I didnt say a word to him though.

 

Questions I wondering:

 

Does me not talking either to him on the days he doesnt iniate convo just as bad?

- i'm just wondering should i try more to be friendly with him more?

 

Is there something more I should be doing to let him know i still care?

- or was me telling him 3 weeks ago how i felt and wearing the ring enough?

 

Any sure fire ways to tell if he still cares for me?

- nothing dishonest or game playing just wondered if theres a way to tell w/o asking

[riverratt]

Does me not talking either to him on the days he doesnt iniate convo just as bad?

- i'm just wondering should i try more to be friendly with him more?

 

Is there something more I should be doing to let him know i still care?

- or was me telling him 3 weeks ago how i felt and wearing the ring enough?

 

Any sure fire ways to tell if he still cares for me?

- nothing dishonest or game playing just wondered if theres a way to tell w/o asking

 

I would give space for sure..

 

I would say to be friendly by not causing or allowing a situation to get ugly. Don't go out of your way to be friendly. It may not seem genuine to him.

 

He knows you still do care for him..

 

The sure fire way to know if he still cares will be his attitude in general..If he wants you then he will come to you...

 

Relax as much as you can..He will see anxiety all over your face and your body movements. That may make him worse..

[Yasuandio]

He probably knows that you would take him back, in the normal marital situation, in a heartbeat. He likely has no doubts about that. It is true, correct? I'm not saying that's bad. But it's just true.

 

You know, Allie - I think you should keep following your mentor, Tojaz, to the letter. It has got to be about you. I cannot imagine working on myself - in the midst of my husband's rejection in the same house. I WOULD NOT be able to contain myself. There is no way. And I am pretty tough. And I would have done anything to save my marriage. but there is no way I could do what you are doing, my dear. NO WAY.

 

If this continues, there is going to come a point in time, where you may begin to lose your hope, get fed up, or worse (for hime), just give up. You are already showing signs. And they are not "reactionary" signs. They are thoughtful and logical indications of your abivilance to continue like this "statis quo" as you call it. For instance, recently, you pointed out your concerns about modeling appropriate conduct for your daughter.

 

Like Tojaz says, for your hubby's sake, he'd better choose option A. If he doesn't wake up soon, he has a lot to lose. You have worked very hard - and I think you have put up with the impossible. That is why you have received some criticism. But when it comes down to brass tacks, noone can blame anyone for trying to save their marriage (no matter how bad the marriage appears - it is a private decision). Yas

Edited September 30, 2012 by Yasuandio

[AllieKat]

Thx River and Yas. I think he does know Id take him back. I just feel like if I knew he still had feelings for me it would help me. Lets face it fighting for a lost cause isnt any fun.

 

My hubby is normally or was normally a very talkative guy. He talked more than me. So i was thinking maybe if i get him talking more hed ease up but i dont know. I still shy away from him.

 

 

Sometimes i feel like we both still love each other and dont know what to do but are banking on the other person doing it. Maybe if thats true thats the reason he hasnt done anything to go. But again who knows.

[Yasuandio]

Thx River and Yas. I think he does know Id take him back. I just feel like if I knew he still had feelings for me it would help me. Lets face it fighting for a lost cause isnt any fun.

 

But again who knows.

 

Your thirst to have knowledge that he still has feelings for you in entirely human. That is why it is so difficult being in the unique position you are in - working on yourself and the marriage at the same time (as Tojaz so accurately described).

 

It's like your damned if you do and damned if you don't. To follow the 180's would be to "not ask" about any matters regarding feelings. But as a human being, and even in a growth process - I could see where it would be very healthy at some point to just come out and ask him straightaway about his position - so you may completely understand - and stop walking on eggshells, and get everything out in the open.

 

Then - on the other hand - if you go on like this, some human resentment may build up inside you, and come out when you do not expect - causing more problems. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't know how you swallow this. I think even a dog, man's best friend, would be affected by the sustained withdrawal of affection from their master.

 

One could argue that you indeed have the knowledge. Hubby did tell you his intentions - very clearly. Did he not? Is there any reason to believe he has changed his position, Allie (other than your interpretations of his behaviors)? Has he revisited the subject at all since?

 

Naturally, I would run this by Tojaz first. Tojaz, what do you think? Could Allie simply ask hubby if his position has changed about divorce, so she may have some relief from this "not knowing" situation? I mean, just one simple, yes/no question. Thoughts? Yas

Edited September 30, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Steen719]

I am going to say something - and you are not going to like it, in all likelihood. I am not trying to upset you, criticize you or anything other than tell you what I observe with your situation.

 

Every day you walk on eggshells and try to figure out your H's every move or what he means when he talks, or doesn't talk and a hundred other innuendos. You must be exhausted, really. Listen, you made some mistakes, but you should not be paying for those mistakes for the entirety of your marriage. He has the power and it seems like he has ALL of the power. He pulls the strings and you react accordingly. This is so counterproductive to a good marriage.

 

He has to be willing to fight for your marriage, just like you do. It is like you take 2 steps forward and 2 steps back and are spinning your wheels. Have you asked him if he wants to fight for your marriage? If he wants to leave in July still, what is preventing him from just being a roommate until then, while you are trying every day to prove to him that you want to still be married to him?

 

It really seems to me that you must be sitting on G, waiting for O, every single minute of every day. You are going to lose yourself this way.

 

Again, this is just my observation. I would have to ask him to choose; he either wants to fight for your marriage or he doesn't. Period.

 

My .02

[AllieKat]

3 weeks ago we had this clear the air meeting so to speak. I texted him and asked if we could talk when he got after work. His response was only if its about divorce proceedings and dividing assets.i said no i have things i want to talk about and i need closure if u dont wanna work stuff out

 

Well when he walked in i gave him a paper and said write down what you want...lets divid stuff. He looked shocked but he never wrote anything down. That lasted 10 mins with 8 mins of it being silence. After that we spent 4 1/2 hours talking about other stuff. Him telling me who said what and the details of it and me doing the same. Basically us comparing notes on ppl trying to cause us more issues. I apologized to him i think for the first time sincerly as well as i apologized for accusing him of cheating and pickung stupid fights and saying awful stuff... He in turn did the same when he was apologizing he just said it was such a sting to him my lies... He never said though what hed had said all theother times that he cant get over it, theres no trust, etc.... He did say being at home was like being in a bubble and he knew i wouldnt want to hear that but its how he felt. He said when hes busy he doesnt think but being at home thats all he does. Not sure what he meant but i guess it wasnt a good thing. He also told me that just because he is sitting around crying or sulking doesnt mean it doesnt hurt its just life still is going on and hes still gotta go to work and etc. he said to protect himself hes clising his heart off.

 

Wow when i type this i realize there is really nothing in that that says he cares either.. I think maybe im starting to realize its over and im freaking out

[Yasuandio]

Allie, did you write about this event on LS?