Forgiveness

[AllieKat]

Sap- im trying to work things out with him. Sonetimes it is a venting thread and whatever else it needs to be but Its been helping me to come on here and post my story. honestly what does it matter what it is or how many pages it is?

[AllieKat]

Hubby springs it on me this AM that he found a group at the local hospital for men who are struggling with anger, resentment, etc. He actually printed the info off and is going to go to it once to see what its like. I was shocked to say the least. I'm kinda bummed that its not joint thing but I think its a huge step in the right direction.

 

He said hes nervous but his buddy at work said it helped him. He said if it goes ok and he doesnt feel like an idiot hell consider the MC with a therapist. This is big right? He told me last night its hard for him to just fall back in 100% with me when he is tormented with hurt and trust issues so if our marriage is ever going to be solid again hes got to take some steps for healing himself.

 

We looked a marriage builders last evening and that started the convo. Granted he was very uncomfortable with the topic he said he hates rehashing it all and he would rather talk about getting passed it rather then reliving it all.

[tojaz]

Hubby springs it on me this AM that he found a group at the local hospital for men who are struggling with anger, resentment, etc. He actually printed the info off and is going to go to it once to see what its like. I was shocked to say the least. I'm kinda bummed that its not joint thing but I think its a huge step in the right direction.

 

He said hes nervous but his buddy at work said it helped him. He said if it goes ok and he doesnt feel like an idiot hell consider the MC with a therapist. This is big right? He told me last night its hard for him to just fall back in 100% with me when he is tormented with hurt and trust issues so if our marriage is ever going to be solid again hes got to take some steps for healing himself.

 

We looked a marriage builders last evening and that started the convo. Granted he was very uncomfortable with the topic he said he hates rehashing it all and he would rather talk about getting passed it rather then reliving it all.

 

The fact that hes taking steps forward is big Allie, but that last sentence worries me a lot because it falls right back into his pattern of avoidance. HEs not going to work through anything until hes able to face it, and he is still actively avoiding that aspect of healing and wouldn't be surprised if he shys away from the group when things start getting close to home.

 

Its a good start though, would just prefer not to see him laying escape routes along the way.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

See, this is where I'm confused. Reliving *what all*?

 

This is more than a lie while you are pregnant. It has to be or your husband is insane. Am I missing another thread or something?

 

Thats most of it but prior to the lie, 3 werks prior i got mad at him and threatened him divorce for no reason. That wasnt the first time either. He doesnt want to rehash what happened and why he just wants to go forward. Which is just not dealing with the problem its putting a rug on a ugly spot and trying to pretend it doesnt exist. Eventually the rug will rip or wear out and guess what thst ugly spot is still there.

[AllieKat]

The fact that hes taking steps forward is big Allie, but that last sentence worries me a lot because it falls right back into his pattern of avoidance. HEs not going to work through anything until hes able to face it, and he is still actively avoiding that aspect of healing and wouldn't be surprised if he shys away from the group when things start getting close to home.

 

Its a good start though, would just prefer not to see him laying escape routes along the way.

 

TOJAZ

 

Agreed! Im not quite sure how its going to play out but its a little bit better of a place then we were. He openly told me he has a hard time "accepting" this even happened. Meaning the lies and the last 4 1/2 mths. So he has to accept that and realize that. Work in progress

[AllieKat]

Okay, this makes more sense. The two of you have a history of volatile interactions. I can relate.

 

So, what are you going to do to control your emotions while he learns about his?

 

I really wouldnt say we have a history of volatile interaction. But we are working on things for sure.

 

I was excitied to post hubby went to group tonight and actually liked it. Well like isnt the right word he said it wasnt as bad as he thought and since he was new he had the floor and everyone listened to his story. He said it was weird but now that he told his story that pressure is off and the other guys could really relate. The guy running it is a therapist and talked to my husband after and told him thattrue trust and recon comes with time and it cant be forced or rushed and if i love him ill be patient and if he loves me and hell aloow me to earn the trust back but he stressed to my hubby he needs to be open to it. He said it was nice getting it off his chest and he was surprised it wasnt "sissy men" there! Lol

[trippi1432]

I wouldn't say that Allie's situation is volatile. You will see on LS Sapientia, that not all advice is the same on every thread even with the same poster posting to them, that's because everyone's situation is different. All relationships go through various trials and tribulations, it's how everyone comes out on the other side that determines the strength of the foundation of the marriage....it's also how the individuals involved handle it and grow.

 

(And yes Sapientia, my marriage was volatile....when it's that bad, it means someone isn't growing.)

 

Allie - I like what the therapist told him....sounds a little familiar from all the feedback you've gotten here from several posters. Keep in mind, there may be days he wants to talk about the therapy and there may be days he doesn't want to talk about it or what's on his mind. Let him talk when he wants to and just listen, be receptive to what he is saying...don't analyze it. He may even start realizing that, even though this situation is close to his heart, his situation could be much worse. Stay on the positive.

[sapientia]

So, what are you going to do to control your emotions while he learns about his?

 

Not sure if you saw this part of my post, Allie.

[AllieKat]

@Sap i answered very vague just by saying were working on it. Have you read my thread? Its pretty much consumed with what ive been doing to work on me and as of recently he joined a counseling group for men. In a small nut shell. Communication is our issue even though we were best friends the hustle abd bustle of our daily lives ended up coming first to the point were instead of talking to my hubby i just got mad and said things i didnt mean to get a reaction. Then when something serious came up i was to scared to just talk to him. Thats a huge simplifcation. Thus far we are really doing well commuincating but the marriage part is still not solid. I hope to start back to my therapist once our new health insurance kicks in because she was amazing. Ive also been doing some reading about marriage and divorce busting and rebuilding trust online.

[AllieKat]

So this therapist guy gives his email out and told hubby to feel freeto email him with a made up email or whatever. It seems hes a very nice guy and is retired and donates his time to this group only 5 guys in it but he really is very invested in helping other men. I read his bio and its pretty sad. He had anger issues, got help went back to college patched up his marriage that was a mess and a month into patching things up his wife is diagnosed with cancer and dies 2 mths later. Very sad.

 

Needless to say hubby got email from him today and it was very nice. The only thing i must say is im concerned cause he is really harping on baby steps and hubby not moving quick with me. Now i know thats good but im being selfish now worrying. I told hubby he doesnt need to share his communication or therapy class with me if he doesnt want to. I kinda think i dont want to hear anymore because it just is making me worrying. We had a nice lunch date today but im hung up on having a resolution for the holidays. My worry is this man told hubby if our first issue started two years ago it could take two years to patch it up. Really? Oh dear if i have to wait two years to hear i love you ill be grey!

[AllieKat]

The man is this therapist that runs this group therapy class hubby started attending.

[sapientia]

@Sap i answered very vague just by saying were working on it. Have you read my thread? Its pretty much consumed with what ive been doing to work on me and as of recently he joined a counseling group for men. In a small nut shell. Communication is our issue even though we were best friends the hustle abd bustle of our daily lives ended up coming first to the point were instead of talking to my hubby i just got mad and said things i didnt mean to get a reaction. Then when something serious came up i was to scared to just talk to him. Thats a huge simplifcation. Thus far we are really doing well commuincating but the marriage part is still not solid. I hope to start back to my therapist once our new health insurance kicks in because she was amazing. Ive also been doing some reading about marriage and divorce busting and rebuilding trust online.

 

I confess I find this post confusing. So your actions are to think about a therapist and reading?

 

I suggest you print this off and put it on your fridge. Also think hard about how your actions will be *different* when your emotions get the better of you. You run the risk of your H growing and leaving you in the dust.

 

9 Steps to Better Communication Today | World of Psychology

[AllieKat]

Sap i find your ?'s confusing if you read my thread youd know this. Ive seen a therapist i dont have insurance till next month so as soon as i can ill be going back to her. Im sorry you dont agree or find what im doing enough or whatever but reading stuff has been educating. Theres no harm in what im doung or have done. If you disagree thats fine different strokes for different folks.

[sapientia]

You are over interpreting my post. (part of your issue, perhaps?)

 

I merely tried to summarize what you are doing. Did I miss something?

 

The article is a good one, you should read it and post it someplace prominent as a reminder. It may be good for both of you, even.

[trippi1432]

Allie has chosen to look at her actions as well as her husband's actions, she is choosing to stand by her marriage and, it seems, that her husband is looking inward as well. That is positive change as opposed to where they both were a few months ago.

 

Granted, Allie still gets impatient and the impulsiveness is not all abated yet, but she has learned to stop allowing that to lead the conversations she is having with her husband (where she was not doing those Better Communication skills - Thank you Psychology today). It's easy to read it, tape it to the fridge....but it has to be developed and that doesn't just happen by reading it...it happens by practicing it.

 

It's always much easier to walk away instead of really examining what's wrong with the relationship....but it's much easier to work on a relationship's issue when two people are still in the home and open to it.

 

So....again, I ask....what advice has Allie not taken??

[trippi1432]

So this therapist guy gives his email out and told hubby to feel freeto email him with a made up email or whatever. It seems hes a very nice guy and is retired and donates his time to this group only 5 guys in it but he really is very invested in helping other men. I read his bio and its pretty sad. He had anger issues, got help went back to college patched up his marriage that was a mess and a month into patching things up his wife is diagnosed with cancer and dies 2 mths later. Very sad.

 

Needless to say hubby got email from him today and it was very nice. The only thing i must say is im concerned cause he is really harping on baby steps and hubby not moving quick with me. Now i know thats good but im being selfish now worrying. I told hubby he doesnt need to share his communication or therapy class with me if he doesnt want to. I kinda think i dont want to hear anymore because it just is making me worrying. We had a nice lunch date today but im hung up on having a resolution for the holidays. My worry is this man told hubby if our first issue started two years ago it could take two years to patch it up. Really? Oh dear if i have to wait two years to hear i love you ill be grey!

 

Hi Allie - back to where things were before the interrupting posts......(lesson 1, never feed the animal. )

 

Based on this post....he's just getting his side out, doesn't mean it will be two years though. People here ask how long does it take to heal their heart....or how long to wait to date someone else....it's really hard to set any time limits on any of that. I don't think it is meant to be this hard line measure for anyone...operative word there is "could". It's standard language really when dealing with emotions, it's really up to the individual and not a time line a therapist says. Doesn't mean he will be 100% there by the holidays either, best thing is just let him go through this for himself.

[AllieKat]

Hi Allie - back to where things were before the interrupting posts......(lesson 1, never feed the animal. )

 

Based on this post....he's just getting his side out, doesn't mean it will be two years though. People here ask how long does it take to heal their heart....or how long to wait to date someone else....it's really hard to set any time limits on any of that. I don't think it is meant to be this hard line measure for anyone...operative word there is "could". It's standard language really when dealing with emotions, it's really up to the individual and not a time line a therapist says. Doesn't mean he will be 100% there by the holidays either, best thing is just let him go through this for himself.

 

Thx no feeding the animal= noted;-)! ty for responding this group therapy came up out of nowhere so when hes showing me the email the guy sent i was a little floored to be honest. I have no exp with someone getting advice about me so im a little nervous but sooooo happy hubby is at least trying

Edited October 24, 2012 by AllieKat

[tojaz]

So this therapist guy gives his email out and told hubby to feel freeto email him with a made up email or whatever. It seems hes a very nice guy and is retired and donates his time to this group only 5 guys in it but he really is very invested in helping other men. I read his bio and its pretty sad. He had anger issues, got help went back to college patched up his marriage that was a mess and a month into patching things up his wife is diagnosed with cancer and dies 2 mths later. Very sad.

 

Needless to say hubby got email from him today and it was very nice. The only thing i must say is im concerned cause he is really harping on baby steps and hubby not moving quick with me. Now i know thats good but im being selfish now worrying. I told hubby he doesnt need to share his communication or therapy class with me if he doesnt want to. I kinda think i dont want to hear anymore because it just is making me worrying. We had a nice lunch date today but im hung up on having a resolution for the holidays. My worry is this man told hubby if our first issue started two years ago it could take two years to patch it up. Really? Oh dear if i have to wait two years to hear i love you ill be grey!

 

Allie, it sounds like your hubby got a decent therapist. They push baby steps for a reason Allie, remember how things happened when you tried to rush things?

 

Him going into therapy is a HUGE win for you Allie... if there is such a thing in these situations. Moving slow is going to give him the best opportunity to absorb everything, and him moving at his own pace is going to help him not feel overwhelmed and run back to his shell again. If he sticks with it and he is able to start picking things up and putting the pieces together, things will pick up a momentum of their own.

 

You will not have a resolution for the holidays Allie, an actual resolution is a long ways off, but you will hopefully have a good foundation to start building on by then, and if your H can really throw himself into this, I think your holidays will be plenty cheery.

 

TOJAZ

[sapientia]

Granted, Allie still gets impatient and the impulsiveness is not all abated yet, but she has learned to stop allowing that to lead the conversations she is having with her husband (where she was not doing those Better Communication skills - Thank you Psychology today). It's easy to read it, tape it to the fridge....but it has to be developed and that doesn't just happen by reading it...it happens by practicing it.

 

Sorry, what are you granting?

 

Better to have that article posted someplace prominent than not at all. Or perhaps there's another, better way to practice these points that you suggested and I missed?

 

Anyway, glad the article is of use. Funny thing those expert publications.

[AllieKat]

Is it normal in anyones opinion to see a behavior shift with only one therapy meeting? Hubby had been back sleeping in bed but now since mon group has begun sleeping on floor AGAIN! He said it actually feels better on his back. ( ugh i want to believe him but feel like hes pulling back) not sure if i did something to annoy him or not but this confuses me. But with that change hes talking future more with me and talking now about MC. This just seems strange and yet confusing

[trippi1432]

Coop,

 

I understand when you are shackled with your own misery and wish to make everyone else miserable with you, lived it for 15 years. So this late in the game of this thread, what IS your advice Coop, what would YOU say that Allie is supposed to do?? I guess it would be hard to see any positive steps in a relationship when all you do is focus on the negative.

Edited October 25, 2012 by trippi1432

[trippi1432]

Sorry, what are you granting?

 

Better to have that article posted someplace prominent than not at all. Or perhaps there's another, better way to practice these points that you suggested and I missed?

 

Anyway, glad the article is of use. Funny thing those expert publications.

 

I'm really not in the business of granting wishes if that was what you were asking....I was not debunking the article Sapientia, I was debunking why one would need to post it on the fridge, I would ask why someone couldn't print that out and sit down with their spouse and come to agreement on communication? If it hits a bone with you either A: You see something in yourself or B: You see something in your spouse...or C: You see something that is lacking on BOTH parts. Personally, I think C bears the most weight in marriages that forget about healthy communication would you not agree?

 

And, well, if it is BOTH of you that cannot communicate...I just think it would be passive/aggressive to hang it on the fridge in hopes that the other spouse would see it and say something. However; we can apply communication to many aspects of our lives...friends, family, co-workers. It's a little different with our spouses wouldn't you agree? I mean to say everyone expects a little something different don't they at the end of the day when they get home? It goes beyond just an article of healthy communication, it becomes something you don't get from a co-worker, or a friend or a family member...it becomes a sub-set of the other half of a relationship.

 

It's hard when you have had a really volatile relationship where you were not heard, where your feelings didn't matter, when the Policy of Joint Agreement meant nothing. That just isn't something you post on a fridge and hope the other person sees it, it's something you practice when you have a willing spouse who wants to be there too. Allie does..and her husband does, for pages now that is what this thread has been leading to. I find it disheartening that we have been through this many pages and Allie finds that she has to defend herself when things are finally going positive for both her and her husband.

[trippi1432]

Sorry, what are you granting?

 

Better to have that article posted someplace prominent than not at all. Or perhaps there's another, better way to practice these points that you suggested and I missed?

 

Anyway, glad the article is of use. Funny thing those expert publications.

 

I'm really not in the business of granting wishes if that was what you were asking....I was not debunking the article Sapientia, I was debunking why one would need to post it on the fridge, I would ask why someone couldn't print that out and sit down with their spouse and come to agreement on communication? If it hits a bone with you either A: You see something in yourself or B: You see something in your spouse...or C: You see something that is lacking on BOTH parts. Personally, I think C bears the most weight in marriages that forget about healthy communication would you not agree?

 

And, well, if it is BOTH of you that cannot communicate...I just think it would be passive/aggressive to hang it on the fridge in hopes that the other spouse would see it and say something. However; we can apply communication to many aspects of our lives...friends, family, co-workers. It's a little different with our spouses wouldn't you agree? I mean to say everyone expects a little something different don't they at the end of the day when they get home? It goes beyond just an article of healthy communication, it becomes something you don't get from a co-worker, or a friend or a family member...it becomes a sub-set of the other half of a relationship.

 

It's hard when you have had a really volatile relationship where you were not heard, where your feelings didn't matter, when the Policy of Joint Agreement meant nothing. (Obviously, I'm not allowed to post the URL..but you can look it up or search for it on Marriage Builders) That just isn't something you post on a fridge and hope the other person sees it, it's something you practice when you have a willing spouse who wants to be there too. Allie does..and her husband does, for pages now that is what this thread has been leading to. I find it disheartening that we have been through this many pages and Allie finds that she has to defend herself when things are finally going positive for both her and her husband.

[sapientia]

I'm really not in the business of granting wishes if that was what you were asking....I was not debunking the article Sapientia, I was debunking why one would need to post it on the fridge, I would ask why someone couldn't print that out and sit down with their spouse and come to agreement on communication?

 

Then that is what you should have actually asked. You should print the article and read it also.

 

I didn't even read the rest of your wall of text, sorry. The essay wasn't required.

 

Will Harley is an interesting guy. Good reference to his site. Why can't you just post the link?

 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

[sapientia]

I'm really not in the business of granting wishes if that was what you were asking....I was not debunking the article Sapientia, I was debunking why one would need to post it on the fridge, I would ask why someone couldn't print that out and sit down with their spouse and come to agreement on communication? If it hits a bone with you either A: You see something in yourself or B: You see something in your spouse...or C: You see something that is lacking on BOTH parts. Personally, I think C bears the most weight in marriages that forget about healthy communication would you not agree?

 

Then ask the question you intend. Be clear. You could stand to read the article as well.

 

I am waiting for my post with Will Harley's site to be posted. As you say, the site is a reasonable one and he's a good guy.

Edited October 25, 2012 by sapientia