Author AllieKat Posted July 12, 2012 Author Share Posted July 12, 2012 Thx Tojaz that actually exactly what Ive been doing. Im even learning alot..lol! I just hope he is just going in a safe zone and not just closing me out! Its so hard to figure out but again my gut tells me he is starting to come around its a change from weeks ago and its definately better but its slow and the not knowing scares me. im so scared anout monday too. Its weird he hasnt brought it up to remind me of what i need to bring but he hasnt. The person I work for said I need to accept he wants out and face it! I just cant!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 12, 2012 Author Share Posted July 12, 2012 So after my inital post H found tires and we went to get them. To the place convo was all about tires. On way back he actually brought up the volunteer organization we both belong to. (youth football/cheerleading) he was telling me he had to go to help with fun camp tonight and was telling me all about that and about who quit and the coaching changes. So that was cool new topic. He also told me who he was texting (we were parked) and why and when the guy texted him back he let me know the guy got back to him and what he said! Not that i asked but H used to do that stuff because we had a very open close relationship. I asked him if we could stop by fast food place quick before heading home so i could get DD something quick to eat before dr appt. he said sure and he asked what the appt was for and what time. At home we talked about bills, money and tires for H's car! Lol tires tires tires!! I got the mail and when i was looking at my mail and made a grr nouse he asked what i was looking at and i told him the ambulance bill. When he left he just left no goodbye or etc but overall its a better day and IMO progress was made! Still no bankruptcy talk or D talk. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 He's inched his way into a topic a little closer to home...DD and the volunteer work. That opens up a lot more lines of communication between the two of you. Keep it up! I think it sounds like progress as well. like I said on another thread Its been a good day today. I think Monday will be very telling for you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Weird thing is he didnt come right home after the camp and that irritates me and ofcourse makes the mind wonder. It seems like when we have these good days he pulls back in this way. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Its definitely a pattern. I think its common, for that to happen, I had that in my divorce as well. We would talk, actually get some things out in the open and to be honest, at times thought we had made some progress towards moving back together. Then when we would part ways it was like she remembered that she was "supposed" to be angry with me and would try and create some space again. The difference is that in mine those improvements we had were very short lived. Forever every step forward she would take two steps back as soon as we were apart, eventually she just removed herself from me all together and waited for the paper work to seal the deal for her. I don't see that here Allie, for the most part you guys seem to be moving closer, two steps forward one step back I guess. I'm sure its frustrating, but as long as it seems to be moving in a positive direction, I'd be happy. Like I said, your most likely going to get some clarification on Monday. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Thx Tojaz that makes me feel better for now! This Am he actually came in and asked if he could take me to work so he could do my tires. On the way there he told me the guy he was borrowing the tools from forget to bring them and so after the camp he went and grabbed some food with the guy and his family and then went to get the tools from his house! Annoying to me because i hate this not telling me where hes going crap its 100% opposite of what we had! Its killing me Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Its easier to post a few times a day as opposed to one huge long post. I forget details when i do that. So im sure there will be another post tonight. Pretty much all day H has been struggling with getting tires on car. I offered to do something when i got off work but he said he got it. I sat outside with him for a few and he was telling me about the problems with them. It was weird while sitting out their our song came on pandora. We both pretended we didnt hear it but I know I heard it. He was nice and pleasant and I slipped, I asked him about a number on Att! Ugh why did I do that??? He told me it was a call to a person on craigslist and ask why? I was honest i said im just being paranoid. He was nice about it no weird looks or anything. He kept talking. Then he had to run and put air in tires and he askede if I needed anything. So heres where it gets weird.... Dd enters room and he becomes short in convo and wont even look at her! He instantly changes! What is up with that? Im thinking he just doesnt know how to handle that situation yet, but it scares me! Part of me and himoving forward is for him to apologize and be a great step-dad again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 When i say he needs to apologize i mean to DD! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Well last post tonight... Not to much to say other than H did tell me where he was going today the 3 times he left. I went grocery shopping and asked him what he wanted he just said tea and lots of h2o. I told him i needed to get pizza at 6 and he offered to go get it for me. While in car getting ready to pull out he came over telling me if i hear anything funny with car let him know asap. He was worried about the tires he just put on i guess. I brought pizza home but like the new norm he waits till about 15 mins in to eat! Lol he was quiet then he would say stuff like damn and sign, almost like he wanted to get my attention so ofcourse giving it to him I would ask what? Then hed tell me... Theres blah blah blah on craigslist. So now hes got me hooked on it looking at misc stuff! Haha Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Sounds like its been a busy day for you Allie. Just got a chance to check in and I'm beat. I'll try and formulate a more worthy response in the A.M. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Ok Allie, first thing is that I see you doing a lot of comparing him to how he was before all of this. Hes never going to be exactly that same guy again. Regardless of how this story ends your both going to come out of it very different people. Thats not a bad thing at all, because what you had before was broken, so why would you go back? There will be a lot of things that change for the good, but there is bound to be things that aren't going to be as comfortable as they were before. It sounds like one of those things are him taking some of his own independence back. I can understand his need to do that. After all it sounds like he was very engaged in the family life and you and DD. Though I know I don't need to remind you Allie, you were the first to drop the D Bomb here. When your fully invested in someone and that happens, its very hard to put that much trust in them (or anyone else for that matter) very quickly. You are the same way, you just act it out differently (how was this months phone bill looking? ). Im not sure about DD, but it may be that he is anxious about letting her see you guys getting too chummy again until he's sure which way the cards are going to fall. He does owe DD an apology, but hes still in survival mode and isn't really looking at the impact he has had on the people around him. There will be a time to bring that up, but it isn't now. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Its hard to let go of that security H gave me before! Its one of the reasons I married him. Tojaz- not that you know the answer here (only my H knows) but maybe just IYO do you think these changes or positive interactions are that of just being civil or friends? Or do you "think" that they are actions of someone who wants to reconcile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Ugh not a great day! He talked to me very little today. He just seems distant. I asked him if he wanted to do anything tonight and he said no hes still beat from yesterday! I feel like hes just saying that to make excuses! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Its hard to let go of that security H gave me before! Its one of the reasons I married him. Security and him taking more independence are two different things. Having your sense of security wrapped up in someone else is a very dangerous thing anyways. Strong enough to stand alone, hopefully lucky enough not to have to. Tojaz- not that you know the answer here (only my H knows) but maybe just IYO do you think these changes or positive interactions are that of just being civil or friends? Or do you "think" that they are actions of someone who wants to reconcile? Your right I really cannot answer that for you or even be comfortable giving you an opinion about him. I don't really have enough information to do that in good faith. I will say that there is a third likely option, and that is that they may be the actions of someone that really just doesn't know what is going to come next. There are no hard and fast rules Allie, but someone who is looking to reconcile is usually pretty straightforward about it, someone who is just going through the motions is usually pretty transparent. Somewhere in the middle is someone that is still formulating what will happen and gauging the situation as it goes. A very delicate state that will swing back and forth before he/she comes to rest and I think most people going through these hard decisions have a period like this. You've worked hard to show him the good parts of the marriage, but the scars from before are still fresh and a reminder. Thats me doing what i didn't want to do and giving you my best guess. Right now, there has been more good then bad, so if I am right then time is on your side right now, there is no clock ticking in the background waiting for papers to be served or court dates to be held. If your going to be stuck in limbo your in the best possible situation even though its still just a slightly better degree of lousy. Let time play out, do nothing to reinforce his negative feelings toward you and take special note of what gets a positive response. The rest is in his hands. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 When I said secure I meant with our relationship. I always knew where he was or if I needed him he'd be reachable or would return my call. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. Last night was kinda bad because my mother whom I just recently started talking to went off on me and literally threatened to kidnap my daughter. I sent H a text cause I was at a friends to warn him she may be calling him. He wrote back simply okay. Today we talked for 2 hours I think I even saw a smile or to when he was telling me something weird that happened at work. He was very talkative and I decided to tell him about the ordeal with my mom he did chime in with his thoughts but he was careful to tell me how "i should handle it in the future" no we or anything. I offered him our room to have and told him I could take the couch because i know his back is hurting and he has new job to start but he just shook his head no. He said he didnt sleep well because he had a toothache last night. He talked a little about the volunteer organization and when he got a text He told me what it was about. Im confused myself! He has all the stuff gathered up for the meeting tomorrow and Im a nervous wreck about it. I feel like we are going to a divorce attorney. Im really scared Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 The not knowing is the worst part of being in limbo Allie, I wish there was something i could say there that would put your mind more at ease. The only thing I have is that there can be a certain measure of relief in knowing that you are moving towards "something" even though you don't know exactly what it is. If tomorrow doesn't shed some light on things it may be time for you to be more proactive and politely ask him outright what is in your future. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I think I havey answer a day early! :-(. After a day of good convo it ends badly. After the 2 hour convo. He had to go to a event from 12-3 and my dd had tumbling. When he came back we talked alot he even asked me if i needed anything in the next town over because he was going there Tuesday. I went to a friends just for an hour and when I came back he was doing up the dishes. I thanked him and made a late dinner. He didnt eat though as he said ate while I was gone ok no biggie. Well poorly advised I convinced myself to ask if I could have my ring back. He shot me this awful face and asked why? I said because I like it and want it back. He said, "NO I DONT THINK SO" i wish i hadnt given it back to him! Big mistake!! I miss my rings! So i guess him not giving it back is a good sign hes done. I do regret asking him about it too my friend convinced me to ask him. Shame on me for listening Im afraid that shot down all our progress. I came back latee and tried to make nice by showing him an ad on CL for tires for his car and he talked to me but when i first approached him he look annoyed. I left it at that for tonight Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I have to be honest and say I really don't know what to make of his response there, even if he is done, his reply still makes little sense to me. The only thing I can think is that he is feeling a lot of stress and is doing his best not to be pushed in ANY direction and he saw you asking for the rings as some sort of formal declaration. Probably wasn't the best decision you could have made, but it happens. Nothing is over until its over Allie, it definitely isn't a positive sign, but don't let that discourage you. If the meeting goes ok tomorrow, offer him an apology, and let you know you didn't mean anything by asking other then that you would like to have his permission to keep the ring as a keepsake but you understand if he doesn't want to return it. That does two things, one: it hopefully diffuses any added meaning he had applied to your request, letting some of that pressure off of him two: it opens a door to discussion of where your marriage might be headed and sends a clear picture of what he is making you feel (like hes done)without having to say it outright. Its a little sneaky, and he may not give you a response anyways, but it may be worth a shot if you feel the timing is right AFTER the meeting when that stressor has been lifted from him somewhat. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Well went to meeting and there was no mention of D! Not by lawyer or H! H could of brought it up and from everything i read online should of told lawyer. O sure wasnt bringing it up. We didnt qualify for chap 7 but instead chap 13. H really seems to want to do it so that might mean he wants to do it quick so he can file for D. I just dont know :-/ I have consol. With lawyer wed. just to see my options. So I may have so answers then about what to expect but as of now i refuse to sign D papers cause its not what i want Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Btw meeting was ok! I didnt bring up ring again just didnt seem like good timing. H and I did talk after meeting about Chap 13. But he wasnt as talkative as he had been prior to ring Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Well went to meeting and there was no mention of D! Not by lawyer or H! H could of brought it up and from everything i read online should of told lawyer. O sure wasnt bringing it up. We didnt qualify for chap 7 but instead chap 13. H really seems to want to do it so that might mean he wants to do it quick so he can file for D. I just dont know :-/ I have consol. With lawyer wed. just to see my options. So I may have so answers then about what to expect but as of now i refuse to sign D papers cause its not what i want Borrowed from Bankruptcy or Divorce: which comes first? (Sorry in advance if this is an illegal link mods, wasn't sure) A married couple, even if they aren’t living together, can file together. After the divorce, they can no longer do that, so two cases might need to be filed. Thus, you can save a filing fee if you file before the divorce. But, and this is a big but, you can’t expect to maintain a Chapter 13 bankruptcy if you are divorced. So, it’s best to talk to a competent bankruptcy attorney and be completely honest about the domestic situation before filing. And, you might find that the attorney, upon learning that a split up is imminent, won’t represent both of you, because of the potential conflict of interest. Not sure if hubby was advised of this, but my understandin from this and skimming through other sites is that filing Chap. 13 is not advisable if a divorce is in the imminent future. I only gave a light skim, you may want to do a little more research Allie since the D didn't come up in the meeting. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 When I got home this evening H was very friendly showing me what he found to hopefully fix something else on my car. He was literally 5 inches from me showing me the part.... Im so confused...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 Well im assuming he did a lot only because he had time on his hands but hes a smart guy, so its hard to say! I found out a lot in just looking today Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Did you find that Chap 13 does not stand if you divorce afterwards? I had posted a link to it but I think thats what prompted the mod review. Quoted from website... Thus, you can save a filing fee if you file before the divorce. But, and this is a big but, you can’t expect to maintain a Chapter 13 bankruptcy if you are divorced. So, it’s best to talk to a competent bankruptcy attorney and be completely honest about the domestic situation before filing. Was wondering if he knew that when you guys decided to go that route. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 I saw that too! It makes me really wonder. Either he doesnt realize that or he doesnt really want a divorce. Funny thing was two weeks in that text he sent me he had also said he told the person he made the appt with this was preceeding a divorce filing. He definately had every chance to tell lawyer today. Maybe when we go back with payment hell mention it. See why Im so confused Link to post Share on other sites
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