dustpull Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 So this guy I've been talking to on plentyoffish, declared on his profile that he's "looking for friends. Maybe more depending on how things go. Not into hookups as I'm focusing more on longterm." He's the one who messaged me first both on POF and Facebook, saying how I'm so cute and charming and sweet and goodlooking etc. He even said he really likes me too. However when I asked him about the friends first, he said he just got out of a relationship last month, and he'd like to take things slow and take his time cause it wouldn't be fair for his next relationship if he's not over his ex yet. Day 1-4 we would message each other 3-5 times a day, but nowadays, he seems to be taking his time when it comes to replying back to me too. Usually once a day but now every other day. I don't get it? Well he used to do it too in the beginning but not as frequent. He's busy with his internship and such, but I don't see why he couldn't reply back to me sooner. Am I just being paranoid/clingy? Idk.. I thought if you're really interested in someone you would be so keen to replying back to them? He also likes my statuses and pics on FB, and he was the first one to ask me to 'hang out' in the city. I've been giving him long messages too, idk if that makes people lose interest in you or what? He also gives me long messages but idk.. I feel like i'm giving away my 'mysterious' vibe too soon.. and that usually pushes people away? He liked how I'm open to him though, he said. UGH idk!! Any thoughts on this one? I really like this guy too, he's exactly my type and so far the only guy that's been able to make me forget my ex. But I hate these mixed signals.. (that or I'm just being paranoid -_-) Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 "He's busy with his internship" he's ambitious, to me it's a take it or leave it, your first while of daily contact was possibly too time consuming, ambition is a very consuming mind-set, and so he is working hard which can look terribly negelectful but it isn't a shot at you, he just might never get another internship, so this could be is his one and only chance and so he doesn't want to blow it Link to post Share on other sites
Author dustpull Posted June 28, 2012 Author Share Posted June 28, 2012 "He's busy with his internship" he's ambitious, to me it's a take it or leave it, your first while of daily contact was possibly too time consuming, ambition is a very consuming mind-set, and so he is working hard which can look terribly negelectful but it isn't a shot at you, he just might never get another internship, so this could be is his one and only chance and so he doesn't want to blow it This is true cause on his profile it says that he's very hard working and has a strong work ethic. He told me he enjoys his internship and its his second year there. But I don't get how he won't spare some time to reply back to me if he's interested? Yet he has time to take a new profile pic for his fb.. Ahhh! Idk, is he just playing it cool or hard to get or something? I don't even know why I'm freaking out lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Sounds like he's using the "friends" thing as a buffer, especially If he's being the aggressor and messaging women (don't be foolish thinking you're the only one - he could or may be talking to several) He's using the ex thing in man-talk to tell you that he's "emotionally unavailable", so this is a bad sign for you IF you're looking for a relationship/commitment/anything serious. He's not being the aggressor at this point to partly play it cool and seem uninterested which intrigues women but also because he probably really doesn't want to the pressure of constantly having to maintain your interest and get back to you. At the end of the day he's keeping his options open, and you're one of the options...you don't know how many women he's got as "friends" which mean they'll have to back off until he crosses that line with them and instigates anything. And don't take to hear the "saying how I'm so cute and charming and sweet and goodlooking etc. He even said he really likes me too." ....what are you, four? this guy probably says this to every woman he talks to, is that all it takes to swoon the likes of you? If so you're in BIG trouble. With guys it's about side stepping the words and seeing the actions, the consistency and intent...it's about reading between the lines, If you take things at face value and 100 percent truth you're going to be played for a fool and made to feel like an idiot...so set the bar a little higher than that IF you want to get past the BS generic flattery. You sound really young and vulnerable to these situations...in order to figure out men, watch what they do and how they act...he stopped texting and laid off after the initial contact right? he was setting a foundation, putting in some work to get you on the hook like a fish, probably because of your own naivety and inexperience you didn't act in a way that was aggressive enough for him to see opportunity...remember guys are about opportunity, when they see it, they exploit it...but when the effort is temporary then you know how deep this person really felt about you...hot and cold, on and off is an indication of a guy not being THAT interested in you and was just throwing the line out there to see who would bite and give him the best opportunity. If he was just looking for friends then: - He wouldn't be on Plenty of Fish (which is notorious for quick hook-ups from the men I've heard from and a good place for it) - He wouldn't be aggressively contacting women - He wouldn't put putting himself out there and flirting with women like you trying to score some brownie points This guy isn't looking for friends, he's looking for FWB type hookups and he's going to use the "just got out of a relationship 1 month ago" even 3 mons from now as the get-out-of-jail free card after he does build a pseudo-friendship with women and ends up hooking up with you because you think he's a great/nice guy...don't be a fool, you don't know ANYTHING about this guy...mixed signals are exactly what you should expect out of this guy. Hopefully some of this is starting to click with you, you've got a lot to learn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) This is true cause on his profile it says that he's very hard working and has a strong work ethic. He told me he enjoys his internship and its his second year there. But I don't get how he won't spare some time to reply back to me if he's interested? Yet he has time to take a new profile pic for his fb.. Ahhh! Idk, is he just playing it cool or hard to get or something? I don't even know why I'm freaking out lol to me, and i really can't even take my best friend phoning when i'm working, if your man feels has to ring, then it's a demand, my best friend didn't get it, both the phone ringing or the beep of her text arriving caused quite a rift for us because they disturbed my concentration - until she became keen on watching a certain television programme regularly and didn't want me phoning or texting her, then she understood the interruption, if a body works their butt off, there's just too much pressure in their head already, work can be an awfully hard sprint but yes, if he wants freinds, friends it is - with benefits? i'd say yes, cuz men like sex Edited June 28, 2012 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 With guys it's about side stepping the words and seeing the actions, the consistency and intent...it's about reading between the lines, If you take things at face value and 100 percent truth you're going to be played for a fool and made to feel like an idiot...so set the bar a little higher than that IF you want to get past the BS generic flattery. OP, I'm going to agree with the part Ninja said above.. but temper it by saying that one never really knows anyone's intentions or motivations before getting to know them. It is a basic rule that words and actions need to be consistent before trust can be established. There is really no reason to take much of anything at face value with anyone... especially with something like a budding relationship... or what you hope is a budding relationship. Little things with minimal consequences? Sure, take it at face value. Bigger things? Well, you get the jyst. If he isn't communicating in a style you are comfortable with, then you just aren't compatible. No sense reading more or less into it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dustpull Posted June 29, 2012 Author Share Posted June 29, 2012 I thought so too about the friendzone thing, but it's not like he told me about being friends out of the blue, it already says it on his profile even before he's talking to me. I don't want to waste my time either, so what do you guys advice me to do here? Just stop talking to him ? Btw he replied back again this evening, but that took him like almost 2 days to reply to me. We're meeting up next weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 I thought so too about the friendzone thing, but it's not like he told me about being friends out of the blue, it already says it on his profile even before he's talking to me. I don't want to waste my time either, so what do you guys advice me to do here? Just stop talking to him ? Btw he replied back again this evening, but that took him like almost 2 days to reply to me. We're meeting up next weekend. You're just going to have to go on your gut with this one... But here is a caution... if the guy legitimately wants to be 'friends first'... he won't be trying to sex you up on the first date... or the third... or whatever the magical number is. Watch for that. Watch for the signs of gentle opening up that happens when people are really into being FRIENDS first. I say this because I really don't want people to go into every interaction being paranoid. Make sure his actions and words line up. If he's putting the moves on you on the 1st date and saying BS like "I never felt like this with anyone before"... or heaps on the compliments (while also putting on the moves). Smile, end the date amicably, and then end communication. Big time BS'er. I say this because I do actually know men who ARE into being friends first. Some guys might think they are f*ed up for not going for the 'gold', but that is just how they are. It is possible this guy is one of them... but make him prove it with his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Friend first for me means "friends with benefits". Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 if a male says friends first there's two posibilities. one, he's a big time bser. two, hes too spineless to make a move. neither is promising. Not true. There are actually men out there who want to have an emotional connection with women they sleep with. I know some personally. There are a few on LS. My guess is though, they aren't on POF and never have been. Just sayin'... If I had to make a guess.... the FWB angle is dead on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Men who want women as friends don't advertise that fact on an online dating website. Sounds to me like he's emotionally unavailable if he's trolling online dating websites only 4 weeks after his breakup. And you're definitely an option for him until he makes you a priority. And since he's advertising "friends first" I'd read between the lines with that as no man advertises for platonic friendships on a dating website. That's what Meetup groups have to offer. Better yet, forget POF and go join some Meetups. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dustpull Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Omg totally forgot to tell you guys this is a gay relationship lol. And he also said no hookups so.. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Omg totally forgot to tell you guys this is a gay relationship lol. And he also said no hookups so.. whoa! That changes things completely. I really have no idea what the 'rules' are in the gay community. Although, I lived in the Gay Capital of the South (Midtown Atlanta) and have some gay friends... My observation is that gay men are quite open about wanting hookups and have no problems arranging that if that is what they are looking for. It is only in the hetero community that some men feel the need to lie about their intentions.... so... if he is saying friends first and you are gay, probably is legit. Will still go with my earlier advice with words and actions lining up (the one that didn't assume you were hetero. Sorry!) Link to post Share on other sites
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