Your Ex's Pros & Cons Post Here

[Norse]

So if you're like me and you keep thinking with your heart you should stop. Step back and think logically with your mind. For the past three weeks I've been grieving and coming up with a myriad of ways to try and get my ex back, and it's really just ridiculous. I think my heart needs a break from all of this, its done too much work. Now it's time for my brain to take over.

 

I don't know how I came up with this idea but instantly after I started writing these things out it made leaps and bounds for how fast I was healing. Don't get me wrong I still love/care for my ex, but I almost feel no guilt, and lastly I'm not sure if I would take my ex back, and that's definitely progress.

 

I made this because I want to heal, and I want you to heal too.

 

How To:

 

The goal here is to design a Pros & Cons list of your ex, be sure to examine everything, and don't list the same thing twice, e.x. "She had a beautiful smile", "she had a very nice figure" these things are both, "physical attractiveness".

 

Feel free to list everything just don't list the same thing twice, it doesn't matter how big of a pro or con you list e.x. you could list "She always ate the toppings off of my pizza" that's a con but definitely not a deal breaker. E.x. of a deal breaker "My ex physically abused me". Mark stuff like that with an * because it's a deal breaker. Also put an * beside any pro that you feel is unique to that individual. For example, I feel that a girl wanting to have my children is a unique trait, since I know lots of women who do not want children. There is no right or wrong pro or con.

 

After you made your Pros & Cons list go back and explain with detail each pro and con. Then try and come up with a Conclusion. Even if you can't come up with a conclusion at least list the pros and cons. Anytime I start to feel upset I honestly get out this piece of paper with them all listed and I read over the cons over and over. Sure the pros are great, but most of the pros are not unique to a sole individual, I can find these qualities in many people.

 

I will make the first list for my ex.

 

Unique pros & deal breakers marked with an Astrix.

 

Pros

 

1. Physically attractive.

2. Caring.

3. Endless similarities.

4. Financially independent.

*5. Wanted to start a family.

6. Religious.

 

Cons

 

1. Short temper.

2. Problems with Forgiveness.

3. Hypocritical.

4. Did not approve of my hobbies.

5. Did not approve of how I spent my money.

*6. Would run from any relationship problems.

7. Gossiped about people lots.

8. Didn't understand compromise.

 

Pros Explained

 

1. Physically attractive.

2. Caring. There were times she would help me pay my bills, give me money, and would get out of bed to drive thirty miles and give me gas when I ran out. Helped me to learn to walk again, and spoon fed me in the hospital after getting thrown 55mph out of a car window.

3. Endless similarities. We basically ate all of the same foods, enjoyed all of the same activities.

4. Financially independent. Unlike my previous LTR I didn't have to support this girl, she had a career.

*5. Wanted to start a family. Was ready to settle down and have a family, something I have wanted since I was 17.

6. Religious. Christian just like me, and wanted to raise our children in a Christian environment.

 

Cons Explained

 

1. Short temper. Most things could set her off, 95% of the time I accidentally made her mad and I had no idea I had even did it.

2. Problems with Forgiveness. She couldn't forgive me when I did upset her. Or she would say she did and two months later bring up that issue again, clearly showing how upset she was with me over it.

3. Hypocritical. Would complain about me for doing something, then turn around and do it herself, and expect it to be okay. E.x. Jealousy.

4. Did not approve of my hobbies. I bodybuild and mod my sports car because these activities make me happy and I have fun doing them.

5. Did not approve of how I spent my money. She thought i should save every penny I made. Showed disapproval for a lot of things I bought.

*6. Would run from any relationship problems. We actually broke up twice, and she always wanted out or to distance herself and not talk about any issue that ever came up.

7. Gossiped about people lots. She was always talking about someone in town, and it honestly annoyed me, I don't like talking about other people. It's not nice.

8. Didn't understand compromise. Always expected everything to revolve around her, literally I felt like her handbag at times. Everything including time we spent together revolved around her schedule, and if something i ever wanted to do came up, she got upset if it wasn't a convenient time for her.

Conclusion

 

She tried to say that she believed someone was out there for her with less problems. In my honest opinion she wasn't ready for an adult relationship, everyone I've ever known in a LTR or STR has told me they had problems, and even fights. When I told her that she was like "well do you think they're happy?" and I said something stupid then probably, but honestly yes I do, why else would they be together, I think the good can always outweigh the bad unless there are too many deal breakers.

 

Her and her friends tried to say I was "controlling" well honestly when you bend over backwards for someone enough, always doing what they want, and always trying to please them it gets hard to do, and there comes a point where you verbally come out and say "enough, I'm tired of always doing what you want", or you let it push you into being upset and you make remarks... like me. The thing is a relationship must be 50/50 and you can't make it 70/30 where you yourself are bending over for the other person more than they would be willing to bend for you. Honestly, I was so worried about anything I said that would upset her, it was indeed I that was the one walking on egg shells... When she asked me to take her back last time, she told me she took advantage of my kindness. And this time she did it again.

 

Basically as my friend worded it, "it sounds to me like she wants to believe in unicorns and fairy tales, and isn't ready for an adult relationship." If she wants to run from any problem that occurs she's going to be running from a lot of relationships for a long time. My cousin gave me some really good advice about all of this, and let me attempt to paraphrase. "You have the attitude to work through a relationships regardless of problems, and that's the kind of girl you need to find."

Edited June 28, 2012 by Norse

[fucpcg]

"You have the attitude to work through a relationships regardless of problems, and that's the kind of girl you need to find."

 

Your story has quite a few similarities to mine. What shocked me about my ex is that she basically EXPECTED forgiveness, understanding, working things out when she screwed up, but when she broke up with me had zero of those traits to offer in return. Obviously, that is someone you can't have a long term relationship with.

[Norse]

Hoping to see some more people posting their pros and cons. I don't want to be alone but rebounding is not healing either.

[Mr Scorpio]

PROS:

1. Physically attractive

2. Incredibly driven

3. Insanely intelligent

4. Enjoyed same music

5. Similar personalities

6. Sexually adventerous

7. Athiest

8. Very loving

9. Had been friends since 1992

10. Enjoyed board/video games

11. Had wonderful siblings for hanging out with

 

CONS:

1. Very unhealthy diet

2. Numerous health problems

3. Troubled family history

4. Aired problems publically before approaching me personally

[CopingGal]

Pros:

• attractive
  
• highly intelligent
  
• up on current events
  
• articulate
  
• can discuss many different topics
  
• good in bed
  
• great kisser
  
• does not snore
  
• watches what he eats
  
• physically active
  

 

Cons:

• compulsive liar
  
• philosophies of life are:1-"While the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Play." 2-"If it Doesn't Affect Me, Why Should I Care?"
  
• secretive
  
• rude
  
• cruel
  
• disrespectful
  
• insensitive
  
• uses people
  
• manipulative
  
• very controlling
  
• pathologically selfish
  
• sociopathic behaviors
  
• narcissitic traits
  
• no remorse for things he does wrong
  
• abandoned his father when he got sick
  
• abandoned his mother when she needed help obtaining heat
  
• whines
  
• treats people like pawns
  
• abandoned all of his siblings
  
• no patience
  
• aggressive in a hidden way
  
• uses his son in his lies
  
• is a schemer
  
• unable to recognize the pain he causes others
  
• arrogant
  
• thinks everyone is wrong and he's right
  
• puts people down for using coupons
  
• told me I didn't need a car air bag
  
• told me to go without a seatbelt one dark and icy night because he didn't have the patience to help me with my seatbelt
  
• foolish
  
• a slut
  
• verbally twists things he does around and blames the victim of his bad behavior
  
• Very impulsive
  
• Poor insight into his behavior. Claims to never want to stop being impulsive no matter who he hurts, just so that he can jump in rain puddles.
  
• drains people dry of patience then goes on to the next potential victim
  
• does not respect boundaries
  
• financially unstable
  
• mentally dysfunctional
  
• wants complete and total trust of the people he stomps on
  
• always bringing other women into the relationship, whether it's by cheating, or constantly talking about them
  
• attempts to make fools out of people
  
• Has rented 5 different places in the last 3 years, and on top of that was also homeless for many months
  
• Purchased a car merely because he liked the color it was painted
  
• wolf in sheep's clothing
  
• treats cars better than people
  
• irresponsible
  
• Has medical issues
  
• Has no morals
  
• horrible, horrible boyfriend
  

Edited June 29, 2012 by CopingGal

[M30USA]

I'm noticing that "physically attractive" is first on everyone's list. Makes me realize it all comes down to biology.

[Phanpooh]

Pros:

I love her for who she is

 

Cons:

She doesn't love me for who i am

[CopingGal]

I'm noticing that "physically attractive" is first on everyone's list. Makes me realize it all comes down to biology.

 

Actually it does not. I would have loved to put kind and loving on the pros list. I WANTED to put that first. I wanted to. But I could not becaue he only pretended to be, but he was not. Believe me, it was hard to come up with the pros list since the whole relationship was a lie. That's why physically attractive came first. I had to really think about the pros since everything was a lie. Plus I was not attracted to him in the begining. I fell for him because of who he was pretending to be.

Edited June 29, 2012 by CopingGal

[Coffee20]

PROS:

good kisser

great talker

extrovert

friendly?

funny and smart

confident (over)

 

CONS:

liar

a lot of promises, no action

didn't have time for me, didn't want to do things with me

he criticizes me a lot, but If I did too he took it that personally that he stopped talking to me for a while

flirting a lot with other women and talking about them or about his ex all the time

he thought I was blaming on him all the time, so I almost couldn't talk to him, cause I was worried to make him angry

run away from every issue

jealous for NO reason

turned his problems into me

lied about me

hid me

wasn't in love with me

no sex

didn't like my hobbies

 

true - simply he didn't love me for me, it was never enough for him, I should look like this, like that, I should do this and that, I should change myself, I should change my attitude, I should tell him sorry, I was the one who did mistakes, I was too pushy, then I was too passive, I text him too much, then too little etc etc....I was completely lost

[CopingGal]

PROS:

good kisser

great talker

extrovert

friendly?

funny and smart

confident (over)

 

CONS:

liar

a lot of promises, no action

didn't have time for me, didn't want to do things with me

he criticizes me a lot, but If I did too he took it that personally that he stopped talking to me for a while

flirting a lot with other women and talking about them or about his ex all the time

he thought I was blaming on him all the time, so I almost couldn't talk to him, cause I was worried to make him angry

run away from every issue

jealous for NO reason

turned his problems into me

lied about me

hid me

wasn't in love with me

no sex

didn't like my hobbies

 

true - simply he didn't love me for me, it was never enough for him, I should look like this, like that, I should do this and that, I should change myself, I should change my attitude, I should tell him sorry, I was the one who did mistakes, I was too pushy, then I was too passive, I text him too much, then too little etc etc....I was completely lost

 

 

I think your ex is perfect for my ex...a gay match made in the sunshine.

[Coffee20]

I think your ex is perfect for my ex...a gay match made in the sunshine.

 

I thought the same when I was reading your post , although your ex seem to be even more sick than mine.

[Sugarkane]

The only pros are Attractive. Ambitious. Expert at manipulating and using people. I could fill almost a whole page of cons though, if not more.

[gant29]

pros:

extremely intelligent

interesting

different

artistic

musical

attractive

funny

open minded

sexual

adventurous

 

cons

LIAR

cheater

maniupulative

secretive

cold

critical

selfish

conceited

cowardly

fake

mean sometimes

callous

flaky

shallow

impressionable

[CopingGal]

Hi. I skimmed over the rules and realize I did the list wrong. I'm not suppose to repeat similar things and I'm supposed to be an * by the deal breakers. So I'm going to do the lists again. The cons are much shorter this time.

 

 

Pros:

 

attractive

highly intelligent

up on current events

articulate

can discuss many different topics

good in bed

great kisser

does not snore

watches what he eats

physically active

 

 

Cons:

 

*sociopathic behaviors

*narcissitic traits

no patience

puts people down for using coupons

foolish

Has medical issues

[ladyabstrused]

My pros wouldn't include attractiveness because I don't think I was attracted to my ex for the physical looks and there was nothing really to be attracted to. I had a hard time coming up with this list before I broke up with my ex. I still have a hard time now. I guess before, I was in denial and didn't want to see the cons. Now, I just don't really care (for the moment that is). Too tired to think of what was so wrong with our relationship..and I'm sure my ex wasn't the only one to have caused the relationship to go wrong. I too have my cons.

 

Maybe I'll come back another time to write out the list. Interesting to see the other poster's lists though.

[iambookworm]

Pros:

• sense of humor
  
• considerate of other people
  
• generous
  
• Family oriented
  
• religious
  
• great kisser
  
• there when I needed him
  
• intelligent
  
• same principles
  
• good with money
  
• similar bed habits
  
• good dad
  

 

Cons

• fat and balding
  
• liar
  
• bad in bed
  
• MARRIED
  
• always at his convenience
  
• forgot my bday
  
• no gifts on holidays
  
• rude breakup
  
• coward
  
• cold
  
• manipulative
  

[Norse]

I always look back at the cons when i start feeling sketchy about what happened.

[Norse]

I guess I could add yet another con to this list of some sorts. If you can rebound after 3 weeks then that definitely says something about your character. But I don't know what to put that down as.

[Blastoplast]

Pros:

+ Loving/Caring/Compassionate

+ Naturally Beautiful

+ Intelligent

+ Great sense of humor

+ Loves "dorky" stuff that I like

+ Had a lot of the same hobbies & taste in music, food etc.

+ Loves & respects both our families

+ Has a vision for her life

 

Cons:

- Kept aspects of her life to herself when she should have been open to me

- Selfish at times

- Worries about minor things beyond her control

- Spiteful of some other people

- Hasn't taken any initiative on her "vision", while I have

- Lazy in bed

Edited July 5, 2012 by Blastoplast

[hinatticus]

Pros

 

Beautiful/sexy/cute

Driven

Independent

Great cook

caring

Let me be me

Similar tastes in music

Non religious

Mother of my child*

Played video games with me

Could throw a football better than most guys

Liked my friends

Artistic

 

 

Cons

 

Slob

Contradicting

Confused the heck out of me

Came from a sh*tty upbringing

Too hard on herself

Anxiety

Poor time management skills

She left me *

[BigBear]

Pros:

 

• Driven
  
• Successful career woman
  
• Organized
  
• Took care of our son's needs (bought good clothes, good food, always made sure he was clean)
  
• OK cook
  
• Funny
  
• Gave great birthday presents and surprise gifts
  
• Felt close to her when we talked and planned for the future
  

Cons:

 

• Secretly disliked almost everybody
  
• Germophobe extraordinaire: constantly worried that anything and everything would kill us, would scream at us to wash our hands as soon as we got home, etc.
  
• * Exhausted all the time. Everyone and everything "drained" her
  
• * NEVER, EVER took responsibility for her actions, it was always my fault
  
• Not allowed to have an honest discussion with her, she always felt she was being "attacked"
  
• Didn't like listening to me or my son for very long
  
• Terrible taste in music
  
• Not allowed to play ANY music in the car, ever
  
• Very little interest in pleasing me in bed, but always wanted to be backrubbed, massaged, lotioned up, etc.
  
• Completely boring in bed, always had a backache and could only do the laziest of positions
  
• Hopped from diet to diet, and health theory to health theory, never giving anything any time to work
  
• * Impatient
  
• Not super attractive (but not ugly either)
  
• Overweight (and like everything else, it was my fault somehow)
  
• Butt odor
  
• Always felt overworked
  
• Not great at caring for her family when they were sick
  
• Manipulative (I didn't realize just how much until she left)
  
• No sense of direction, couldn't read a map or get anywhere on hew own if her life depended on it
  
• Hurtful jokes
  
• Very negative outlook on people and on life
  
• Didn't like being around others, a loner
  
• * Could not deal with real issues or take a real look at herself
  
• * Betrayed me in the end
  

I guess we're supposed to explain all of this but it seems self-explanatory. I look at this list and I wonder why I even loved her, the - outweighs the + by so much. Maybe it's just my state of mind. I do miss her but the reasons why aren't coming out. I hate what she did to our family, having a very hard time forgiving her or even seeing why it was necessary, and especially why she had to do it the WAY she did it. Cowardly.

[CopingGal]

Sorry you went thru so much.

[Moonchie]

Hey man, at some point, I hope you decide to talk to her about washing her stank azz. Tell her to wet that washcloth, lather up with soap and wash that nasty, nasty azzcrack. Also, you should tell her that when she craps, she should wipe her dirty azz until the tissue turns white again.

 

Hey man, you tell that stank bitch that she needs to keep her stank azz clean from filth. Geez...dirty friggin' bitch!

Edited July 7, 2012 by Moonchie

[SerCay]

Pro's

 

- Caring

- Adoring everything of me and generously complimenting

- Intelligent and witty

- Same humor

- Same interests and hobbies

- A lot of fun

- Same ideals

- Very very compatible

- Great cook

- Eats healthy too

- Likes sports too

- Great sexual click

- Good looking

- Good personal hygene and well groomed

 

Cons:

 

- Autistic (This is not a con, but for us it was, I am HSP, too much outings of feelings vs. almost none feelings shown)

- Shady

- Attention whore for any girl that likes him

- Liked to keep in touch with all old flings just for attention and give them hope just so they keep giving him attention

- Too secretive with phone (He called privacy)

- Commitment phobe and not willing to work on it

- Push and Pull

- Remorseless

- Love avoidant

- Disregarding feelings

- Shifting the blame constantly

- No communication, only autistic monologues

- Raging a lot over nothing

- No will for compromise

- Constant fear of being ''whipped''

- Avoiding solutions whatsoever

- Waits for problems to pass instead by themselves

[CopingGal]

I guess I could add yet another con to this list of some sorts. If you can rebound after 3 weeks then that definitely says something about your character. But I don't know what to put that down as.

 

 

How about not emotionally invested?