myscreename Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Hey guys... I need some healthy advice... basically... i come from a dysfunctunal family... and had been emotionally abused (and occasionally still am, though i recognize it and am able to stand up for myself). The thing is, at 16 I ran away from home... and got married (and felt intimidated into marrying). I married a man that has/does treat me just how my family do. He is very selfish, nasty and controlling. But... He does love me... he is in love with me. I am not close to him because he hurts me... yet when my family treats me the same way... he is there for me. I am so confused. I do know that I love him.... but I am not, nor have never been IN LOVE with him. He moved a long way to be with me and no longer sees his family.. but uses it against me daily. I tried living there, but again, his abuse made me come home... and he came with me because he "cannot live with out me". Here is the sticky part... I have known this other man for a couple years, and he is the most absolutely sweetest person I have ever met. I cant stop thinking about him... and I feel that if I dont force myself to not think about him, my feelings overwhelm me. He is aware of the situation with my husband, and gets really upset by it all. Thing is, we flirt a lot... and he watches out for me. I feel so safe and happy when I am with him. I dont know what I should do. Should I tell the second man how I really feel about him (I am sometimes shy... and constantly give him mixed signals)... I feel like I want to tell him that I wish I was single so I coule be with him... Should I focus on just breaking up with my husband? I dont know if things can work out. All I know right now, is that at the same time I have love for my husband, I hate him and resent him... and I have not been able to get this other guy off my mind for a year. Advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 First and foremost, you must end the relationship with your husband before you do anything with this man. I married a man that has/does treat me just how my family do. He is very selfish, nasty and controlling. But... He does love me... he is in love with me. I am not close to him because he hurts me... yet when my family treats me the same way... he is there for me. I am so confused. I do know that I love him.... but I am not, nor have never been IN LOVE with him. Sounds like this man was your safe zone, you married him at 16, right? Your husband is like your family, which is all you knew at that point. Is he like your dad? We all tend to marry people like our dads. If you are not in love, will never be in love, then I suggest either counceling or divorce. Is there a chance you can be in love with your husband? If there is a chance than I would try to save your marriage first. Do not cheat on your husband. It will only complicate things. Also, you won't have a much of a leg to stand on with him in court. Do you have any children? The new man....could it be the idea of him? because your husband is so mean? If counceling will not fix your marriage, if you do leave, give yourself time first to yourself to regain your self worth. I hope whatever you need to work out works out. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author myscreename Posted July 4, 2004 Author Share Posted July 4, 2004 thanks for your response... actually... i moved to england with him... We came back here (usa) and I got married at 19. Its sort of weird. (I am now 22) Honestly, I dont think I can ever be in love with him. I am not attracted to him anymore because of his bad side. I feel more of a friend. Being intimate is extremely uncomfortable with him. I just dont enjoy it. I dont have kids, and have made it a point not to because of how I feel about him. This is a tricky situation because international law works a lot differently as well... Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 I dont have kids, and have made it a point not to because of how I feel about him. This is a tricky situation because international law works a lot differently as well... Very SMART on your part. Children should not have to be involved.. If you feel the relationship is dead, why not file for divorce? You can do it yourself, and w/o children is much easier. I did it w/ my first marriage, and I didn't have children. All states are different though. All I did was go to Officemax (or any office supply store) and bought divorce papers that state "without children". I filled them out, turned them into the court, paid the fee, and it started. It does take a bit of time to wait, like maybe 3 months to get divorced, but once you are... you can persue your desired man. Sounds like you are just going nowhere at this point....I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Abuse is not acceptable nor should be tolerated by anybody. good luck and please keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
innocent112 Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 I also come from a dysfunctional family as well and was abused emotionally and physically. I also major in social work and my teacher told me that sometimes we attract the wrong guys because we want to change or help them, when really we need to focus on ourselves. Your husband claims he loves you and by controlling you and belittling you it lets him know that you aren't going anywhere also long as you let it happen. It seems that he has a lot of insecurities and by keeping you wrapped around his thumb, then he has nothing to worry about. The way he is treating you is not right and by the looks of it you don't want to be treated like that. This other guy that you are interested seems like a good guy. I think you should focus on divorcing your husband, become emotionally stable...then when you find out what you truly want from a guy then go for it. Everyone learns from there past and when you stop and take time out for yourself you'll realize what you didn't like in your past relationship, and what you don't want in your next. You'll also know what you did like and what you want. I would continue staying friends with the guy that you say is sweet until you find out what you want in a guy and become emotionally stable, because if he does turn out to be a nice guy you don't want to ruin the relationship by bringing in extra baggage from your past marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myscreename Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 That is really good advice... you are right Thanks guys... Link to post Share on other sites
moodyblues Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 You don't even have to go to your locally owned store that sells legal papers. If you go to your local Court to the Clerk of the Court, you can get your divorce papers there too. The best thing about that is that you will be guaranteed to get the correct forms. I have worked with a couple of people who went to a store and paid for out-dated forms. Another thing that you can do is if you do decide to seek a divorce and need help filling out the paperwork (Legalese can be SO confusing and boring sometimes) contact your State's domestic violence Coalition (which can be found through the internet) or your local shelter and ask if they have a Legal Advocate that can help you. I agree that you are in a good place to get divorced, if you so choose, because you do not have kids. Also, if for some reason you cannot afford to file the divorce papers, ask the Clerk if there is a Waiver of Fees form you can fill out. Link to post Share on other sites
VeryConcernedGuy Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 When you marry honey..... It's till DEATH do us part, better or for WORSE Now i'm not saying to kill your hubby, he he that's NOT funny, but maybe you can work this relationship out. I Know you don't like being with him intimately at the moment, however is there any.......ANY chance at all that you may learn to love one another again. Have you explored all options, counselling, etc.........Before you finally decide to Divorce. I wish you a happy life, we all deserve that. Link to post Share on other sites
moodyblues Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 The FOR WORSE part should never include abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
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