Suggestions??

[Stampede]

To make a long story short, things are VERY fragile around the homestead right now. Major trust issues on both of our parts. Could really use some advice.

 

I have been dealing with some major league anxiety issues and such and it has put a huge strain on us. My wife has never worked (let me take that back, she has been a SAHM for the last 20 years, her job IS tougher than mine!!), would have no way to immediately support herself and our children IF a D were to happen. Neither one of us want it to happen mainly because right now, we do not want to break the family up. But I also know, I can't keep living like this either.

 

I had thought, up until a week ago Wednesday, that maybe things were turning around and I intercepted a covert e-mail she had sent to an attorney, not looking to file, but just get some info in the "event" a D did indeed happen. As you can imagine I was livid!!! What did I do to necessitate that? Well, I have since talked to an attorney myself, WHICH I did tell her about (she was not happy about that by any means)...........I have to look at protecting MYSELF as well yes??

 

We have not talked a whole lot over the last couple of days and when we have talked it has been nice and courteous. I have also been spending the last several nights on the couch.............MY CHOICE!! When your wife says that she does not LIKE the person she is married to very much right now, kind of makes you want to look for some space YNWIM??

 

My question is this, when do you know how and when to pull the trigger?? She is kind of caught, has no money to file, and has repeatedly told me that our children is giving her the incentive to work things out, same goes for me as well. I also know that emotionally, I am a basket case right now. Have not been sleeping well, not eating well, having a little more beer than I ever used to have, etc. What do I do?? We have tried MC, but none have been a fit and she sees this as ALL my problem...................

 

Suggestions??

[K Os]

My advice is this:

 

Stop the beers immediately. They cloud your view. This is the last thing you need right now.

 

Make yourself eat better. And get plenty of exercise so you have no choice but to sleep better. Look after yourself and you will be better able to work on the important stuff.

 

I have been dealing with some major league anxiety issues and such and it has put a huge strain on us.

Get some individual counselling/therapy to help you with these issues. You wrote this right at the start of your post. Think - how would things be better in the marriage if you dealt with these problems first? From my own bitter experience, MC can be jumping the gun and not much use if either or both of you have issues that need to be dealt with individually. If this is the case, you can spend hours in MC wondering why communication seems hopeless.

 

I know it can be difficult when you've both consulted lawyers, and you both know it. Been there. You're right, you need to know where you stand, and have the downside covered. My advice here is to express to your wife that that is ALL you are doing, and you are not looking to follow a lawyer's advice about divorcing her. It seems that's all she's done, too, so you're both preparing to defend against an attack from the other. This is Cold War/arms race thinking, and if you want to stop this and rebuild trust then you need to de-escalate this quick.

 

Neither one of us want it to happen

Good. Don't let it happen, then. Tell her clearly you don't want it. Then get off the couch and go back to your own bed. Sleep next to the person who doesn't like you very much right now. Otherwise your chances of that feeling changing are diminishing all the time.

 

Good luck.