Anyone ever regret divorce and actually reconcile?

[MissingHim]

I divorced my husband after a short marriage. I think I mad a huge mistake. I divorced him a few weeks ago - we had serious problems in our marriage due to the differences we had in parenting styles in raising our kids from previous marriage. We couldn't compromise on anything, his values and morals are much looser than mine, etc. It was a battle between us and our kids, etc.

 

I am devistated and regret getting divorced so quickly. I still love him and miss him and have realized I didn't give all I should have and did alot of things quickly out of anger.

 

Should I attempt to reconcile? I'd give anything to have him back - I've been devistated and regret my hasty decision to end it - I didn't commit or give him a chance.

 

When we broke up it was explosive and bitter. I've wanted to write letters or call him but he's made no attempt to call me - why should he, I hurt him by divorcing him. I'm sorry and would give the world to have him back.

 

Should I just move forward and not contact him? I'm afriad if I contact him he is going to tell me it's too late and I hurt him too much, etc. Has anyone reconciled with an ex-spouse? How'd you go about it and did it work?

[dasani08810]

One things for sure, if you make no effort to contact him; you'll never know. Make a move. At this point, there is no right or wrong move so just test the waters and see how he treats you; then go from there.

 

Go ahead, do it now? I'll wait.....................................................................did you do it yet? No; why not? K, still waiting here..................................................................Shesh, what are you waiting for? Tell you what, I'll just come back and check on you later. Be brave!

[MissingHim]

Should I pick up the phone and call or send a letter? I have a good excuse - his birthday was a couple of days ago. He's been out of town over the 4th - I don't know where on earth he is - his boat isn't gone so he didn't go to the coast.

 

I can't call him - not brave enough. Maybe a birthday card with a letter in it? I'm scared of him rejecting me. I've had a very hard time this weekend so I'm scare - if I send him a letter and he doesn't reply....

 

Ugh, this is torture.

[dasani08810]

A letter would probably be better. That way, he can read EVERYTHING you have to say over and over. So much can be forgotten in an emotionfilled phone call. Just put yourself out there and be prepared for rejection. But, after all is said and done, you know you have reached out. He may be feeling the same way ya know. But you won't get anywhere unless you move first.

 

How long has it been since you have seen/talked to him?

[MissingHim]

It's been 4 weeks since we last spoke. June 7th. On June 8th I went to court and got the divorce. At the time I was so angry with him and had given up. Evertyhing came to a head and I lost it.

 

During these 4 weeks we've had no contact. It's been unbearable at times because I know we both really loved each other and our last conversation was really heated.

 

He's the type that if I come crawling back or tell him I made a mistake he will say it's too late or it will give him such a huge ego he'll use the opportunity to get back at me for leaving him.

 

It was pretty bad when we last spoke, he wanted the wedding ring he gave me back, etc. I was really hurt by things he said and did but then I said horrible things to him as well, hung up on him then next day got the divorce.

 

I have no clue if he's been ok or if he's felt like i have. He loved me alot more than I actually loved him. It just took me these 4 weeks to realize how much I do love him and that living without him is miserable.

[dasani08810]

What's the worst thing that can happen if you tell him what you just wrote here. I mean, right now he doesn't talk to you. Can doing something be any worse than that?

 

Go for it girl. If his ego takes over, that's on him. At least you will be tranferring some of the regret to him if he doesn't want to work things out. Regret is a powerful tool and it haunts for life sometimes!

[CurlyIam]

You mean to tell me you're afraid to get back the man you love only because you're afraid he'd reject you? Of course he will. He's a saint if he doesn't!

 

But if you trully do love him as much as you say, you are not going to be afraid to fight for him. To make him see and feel a woman in love who wants her man in her life. A woman determined to risk her pride to convince him, who has the courage to show her voulnerability to him. I think this proof of love would convince anyone who actually responded even a little bit to your feelings.

 

It is your last chance. It may be the only one. How bad can you get hurt, more then totally losing him? What do you stand to lose? Your self esteem? That went down when you let your anger do the talking. Your pride? I hope it keeps you warm during the cold nights...

 

 

Go out there and get him back!

[jw32802]

What is it that made you start missing him? did he contact you during the 4 mths?

[MissingHim]

It hasn't been 4 months - 4 weeks. I got the divorce on June 8th. I started missing him once my anger cooled down. We started dating around this time last year so with it being summer, 4th of July, etc., memories are flooding back. I can't seem to remember anything bad - just all the good things, it's like I'm being tortured - everywhere I go something reminds me of him. I wake up in the mornings with panic attacks thinking "I made a huge mistake".

 

See we got married way before I was ready. Things were fine while we were dating then he pushed me to get married. I had cold feet and told him we needed to date longer to get to know each other. He didn't think that was necessary - promised everything would be ok, etc. We got married. What threw everything into turmoil was our kids - we didn't include them and they didn't want to become a blended family. All hell broke loose after we got married and that was exactly what I was afraid would happen.

 

Then he pressured me to move in and I couldn't. We only dated 7 months then got married and I was so unsure about things - there were some arguments that made me doubt whether I could trust him or not. Things escalated and seemed to fall apart so I kept stalling moving in.

 

Never moved in and he just got pissed and stayed angry at me. I got us into counseling which went no where. I tried telling him I needed to feel more secure and be able to trust him. He withheld that because I wouldn't move in. I was scared to death to move in with him at that time because he was so angry. He was mad that his family and neighbors kept asking him why I hadn't moved in yet. I told him to just tell them my lease wasn't up yet - it was none of their business.

 

He'd run to his sisters and mother and tell them our relationship problems. They'd tell him things that made me look like this horrible wife, it just snowballed from there.

 

I couldn't take the pressure and he suggested divorce - which hurt but I was so angry I went and filed. Two months we tried to reconcile but he was even more distant. Nothing would change until I moved in his damn house and I just could not do it with his anger so out of whack. He wasn't supportive or helpful - just pissed and demanding. Blaming me for not cooking for him enough, etc. Then I caught him with porn which made me feel even more alone. I just felt he only wanted a wife in his house to be Betty Crocker.

 

We were only married for 5 months. Instead of trying to make me and my child feel secure enough to move in that house he continually berrated me for being a horrible wife. I have a child to consider to and he wasn't too interested in him which really concerned me.

 

Now there were times he was wonderful and sweet but these were far and few between his bouts of anger and rage. I was scared to death to move in with him - things got worse and I ran - he pushed me away.

 

So during our last huge argument he said "Go get a damn divorce". Next day I did. I was just so angry at him. He called back apologizing and asking me to forgive him. I said I was sick of him being so mean to me, etc. I hung up and next day was in court.

 

We haven't seen each other or contacted each other or anything. Now that I've cooled down I wish I could tell him that the problem was we just got married too soon and our kids and moving in was just too much pressure for everyone. When we weren't married we all got along great - had a blast together and we were truly in love. He just seemed so desperate to get married and I wasn't ready, made the mistake of letting him pressure me into it - then I just couldn't go forward with moving in and making that committment. It was too much for me.

 

So I got the divorce and now I miss him and regret it because I feel like I didn't give the marriage a chance - but I couldn't because he was suffocating me. I lost my identity - he seemed to refer to me as "A wife" instead of me. It was "I need my wife in this house", "I need a wife cooking my meals and being here in the evenings". It was never "I want you and your son in this house so we can be a family". I never heard that.

 

He's got sisters, a mother and father and alot of family support. I have NO family support. My parents are dead and I have two brothers - both are older and are not supportive. My friends just tell me to get rid of him and find someone else. My child hates my ex and doesn't want me going back.

 

I am broken hearted, honestly still very much in love with my ex and miss him terribly. Is it just because I'm alone now?

 

I have had my self esteem blasted and I feel like a fool for having married him then divorced him after only 5 months. But I honestly could not move into his house - everytime I packed up and the day before the movers arrived - my gut feelings would literally make me nauseated and tell me "DON'T DO IT!!!!". I'd cancel and tell him I just couldn't do it. He'd get pissed and then hate me.

 

I just didn't want to be married yet. I needed time and felt pressured to the point of ad nauseum. I know he wanted to be married and settled - he just turned 46 and I'm 41. But our kids were freaking out, I was freaking out and everyone needed to have more time to adjust to just the relationship itself. Moving in would have created a war - I know it. He said "Oh everything will be fine we'll deal with the problems as they come along".

 

His son was saying if I brought my cats into that house he'd slaughter them because he hates cats. My ex asked me to keep them in the garage - these are like my kids, I'm not leaving them in a garage all day.

 

And the issues could go on and on................in a nutshell - I loved him and he loved me but marriage and living together came way too fast and furious for me to swallow. We just needed more time and he wasn't understanding about it one bit. So we blew a fuse and got divorced.

 

I want to go back to dating and just enjoying being in love and not spending every breathing moment together. I need my space. I still love him and miss him. Or maybe I just miss what we had when it was great. Marriage screwed it all up. I want him back but I don't want to be married.

 

I don't think he'd go for that. He's too desperate to be married and have a "wifey" in his house.

 

So, that's why I'm so scared to contact him. At one time he did say "I don't want to ever lose you - if we can't be married I still want to date and be with you".

 

It's screwy I know - alot of it is my fault for marrying him in the first place when I wasn't ready. But I still love him and it's hard suddenly ending it and not having any contact. He's made no effort to contact me so I don't know if he's gone thru depression or if he just said who cares and has moved on to someone else.

 

I will contact him via a letter and get it out of my system - he'll either contact me or he won't. I've got nothing to lose at this point. I'll keep you posted. Thanks everyone for listening to this and offering support. I appreciate it.

[jw32802]

I do have to say one thing, i do not understand why women get so mad about the porn thing! This has nothing to do with you at all! i never ever got mad about that and we would even watch it together if he wanted to watch it. its completely separate from you! has nothing to do with you. Think about it like this......Did you ever watch a movie (chick flick) and feel so overwhelmed by it that you cry? like you see the man in the movie and he does things for the woman that you just say "oh hes so romantic, hes so sweet". ok,. now you know that that doesnt mean that you WANT THAT EXACT GUY right? if your husband saw you cry, do you think he is offended and thinks that you must want the guy in the movie? noooooooo. its the same thing! anyway, even the cooking thing. i know it is very old fashioned but i feel like there are certain things you should do for your husband, i feel like thats part of it! for the same reason a woman would say "why dont you hug me or kiss me once in awhile" or "why dont you take out the trash every week" is the same reason a man wants dinner. take it as a compliment, hes not trying to rule you, this is just human nature to them, women are just better at nurturing. people will kill me for saying that but i think its true.

[MissingHim]

Well on the porn issue here's what was happening.... He had a magazine when he was single (before he met me). He kept it in his bathroom. Our boys found it and were looking at it. They were 12 at the time. It wasn't your typical Playboy it was one of the raunchy ones. I feel our boys shouldn't have seen such graphic pics at such an early age - he threw the magazine away and said he didn't need to look at that anymore now that he had me. I asked him how he'd feel if I had a magazine of men with hard-ons that I used and he said no way - he wouldn't like it at all.

 

He had no desire to look at magazines until we started breaking up - he knew how I felt about it but went out of his way to go buy another magazine. I had just been complaining to him our sex life was the pits and I wanted more from him. Finding that magazine to me wasn't the problem - it was the fact he was turning to it instead of me. When this happens I'm sorry - it's causing problems in the marriage. I had asked him before to watch porn together and he didn't seem to go for it. I'm pretty wild in bed and he's like a bump on a log. I felt like jacking off was his preferred sexual release - all the while I'm starving for sex and attention from him. This is another reason I left. I was frustrated to no end.

 

I could have just as easily turned to my vibrator for gratification but hell I might as go back to being single - which is what I did.

 

So the porn was more of an issue than just sneak a peaks. He was shacking up in his bathroom jacking off then when we had sex he was a dud in bed. So porn was a problem here. Hell if he would have shared the damn magazine with me I would have been thrilled but instead he goes into jack off mode and I'm left out in the cold.

 

What man would tolerate his wife masturbating over having sex with him? Very few. Well it goes the same for women. If he's gonna jack off then he's got plenty of time to do it now and I bet he's wishing I was there begging for it but I'm long gone.

 

This isn't the issue though - it's back to the fact I love the idiot and miss him. I'm beginning to taper off though - I'm starting to have more flashbacks of why I left him now that I rehash the issues.

[jw32802]

oh ok, i understand if he is preferring it OVER you. we used to watch together, or he'd watch when i wasnt around. people have to understand that men and women are just DIFFERENT. they have things in their head you will NEVER understand , and vice versa. you dont understand the porn becausey ou arent a man..but hmmm, so after 4 weeks you started realizing you missed him? has he contacted you? have you contacted him and has he called back?

[MissingHim]

Yea, I know all guys look at porn - 80% do and the other 20% don't admit it. It doesn't bother me if it's just to release tension or have a quickie. But it was used as a replacement. Gee, when I keep writing about all this kinda makes me wonder why I miss him to begin with.

 

Every time I've gone to write a letter or send a card I start thinking about something he did to piss me off and I say forget it. He hasn't contacted me. I think I'll just let go and move on. If I go back nothing will change.

 

If I send him a card or letter he'll think "Now she wants me back" and he'll punish me for divorcing him. I'll just stop beating a dead horse and let him go. In the past when we had arguments he never came crawling back - why should I make any attempts. He didn't do much to stop me from divorcing him.

 

There - I think I've come to my senses and can go on with my life now. I have a feeling a terrific guy is around the corner - one who will treat me better and be present during sex!

 

Newsweek by the way has an interesting article "The New Infidelity" - why wives are cheating. Wonder if it's because all the husbands are hiding in closets jacking off to porn!!!!

[Guest]

I divorced my husband after a short marriage. I think I mad a huge mistake. I divorced him a few weeks ago - we had serious problems in our marriage due to the differences we had in parenting styles in raising our kids from previous marriage. We couldn't compromise on anything, his values and morals are much looser than mine, etc. It was a battle between us and our kids, etc.

 

I am devistated and regret getting divorced so quickly. I still love him and miss him and have realized I didn't give all I should have and did alot of things quickly out of anger.

 

Should I attempt to reconcile? I'd give anything to have him back - I've been devistated and regret my hasty decision to end it - I didn't commit or give him a chance.

 

When we broke up it was explosive and bitter. I've wanted to write letters or call him but he's made no attempt to call me - why should he, I hurt him by divorcing him. I'm sorry and would give the world to have him back.

 

Should I just move forward and not contact him? I'm afriad if I contact him he is going to tell me it's too late and I hurt him too much, etc. Has anyone reconciled with an ex-spouse? How'd you go about it and did it work?

It's better to eat crow, than to not. Go to him and tell him how you feel.

Don't let pride hold you back. You'll have to live with this dicision all of your life. If it doesn't work out at leasst you can have some peace about your effort.