slowing things down

[lllost]

I find myself in the surprising role of the OW. I met a 'single' guy on a dating site, and after an amazing first date was looking forward to getting to know him better.

Unfortunately he turned out to be very busy, 2 jobs and children meant he had little time to schedule with me, he did keep in touch with constant texts and calls, and we met occasionally, at bizarre times.

That was 2 months ago, and as I knew there was me than he was telling me, a little digging revealed that not only does he still live with his wife, but afaik she thinks everything is fine.

 

I was going to shut it all down, I really don't want the drama, but I thought about it for a while, and I really like being with him. He treats me nicer than almost any guy ever has, he is very attentive and loving. He makes more time to see me which I know must be difficult, and although it started with a lie, I think that he had expected to have a bit of flirtation and not expected we would be so compatible.

 

The thing is, he wants to leave his wife, but he doesn't want to find his own place and us being so compatible, he already suggested staying here. We're not on the same page with this, I like him, I like being with him, but I love being single and seeing him once or twice a week is fine by me.

 

I need to slow things down and him back off a bit, but I know he's going to be hurt and I don't know how to broach it.

[skywriter]

lllost,

 

Your post gives the impression you are rationalising his deceit, covincing yourself he's doing all these things for you.

 

When you do slow things down, maybe you realise how rediculous that is.

 

It's like a protection mechanism in your mind to make it alright.

[woinlove]

He has children and wants to move right out of their home and in with you? Does he have any plan for helping his children adapt to that? Would they visit with your two, or would he only return home to visit with them? Sounds to me like he is either not honest or not very stable. If you want to slow things down, just tell him honestly. If he was thinking clearly, he would see that nothing else makes any sense.

[MollyBrown]

This man has deceived and manipulated you and now wants to use you as a soft landing so he can leave his wife and children. And you think he treats you nicer than any of the other men you've been with in relationships? The others must have been real monsters.

 

Do what's best for you. Don't worry about hurting him- he wasn't worried about hurting anyone when he joined a singles dating site as a married man with children. He was only thinking of himself and right now, I believe you should be thinking of yourself. You've only known him two months and he's shown you how dishonest and selfish he can be. I predict it will only get worse. Far worse.

[Stellar Wench]

You're being scammed.

[Alice2012]

I find myself in the surprising role of the OW.

 

It is no surprise to the reader however. Your gullibility is painfully obvious and married men prowling dating sites are able to pick up on this trait immediately.

 

The thing is, he wants to leave his wife,

 

No he doesn't want to leave his wife. If he really wanted and had plans to leave his wife, he wouldn't be posing as a "very busy" single father on dating websites. He got caught and is merely telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

but he doesn't want to find his own place and us being so compatible, he already suggested staying here. We're not on the same page with this, I like him, I like being with him, but I love being single and seeing him once or twice a week is fine by me.

 

He finds a girl who found out he's married, doesn't want to kick him to the curb AND doesn't want him to move in?

 

JACKPOT!!!!!

 

Now all he has to do is keep insisting he wants move in with you, which will successfully fool you into thinking he's really leaving his wife and wants to be with you.

 

Reverse psychology at it's finest. Little-to-no effort necessary on his part.

 

I need to slow things down and him back off a bit

 

There is nothing to slow down. You're not (and never will be) moving forward with this guy.

 

but I know he's going to be hurt and I don't know how to broach it.

 

Trust me on this - this married man is NOT going to be hurt that you don't want him to move in.

 

Take this as a valuable lesson learned -- stay away from dating sites. They are chock full of married losers looking for gullibles to get over on. Also get yourself into therapy to figure out why you would lower yourself into the OW role.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Alice2012

[Stellar Wench]

His dating profile is probably still active, and he's probably still scamming other women the same way he's scamming you. Guys like this are why sites like Cheaterville exist.

[SoleMate]

I need to slow things down and him back off a bit, but I know he's going to be hurt and I don't know how to broach it.

DON'T worry about his "feelings"; if he can lie to and cheat on his wife, I can assure you that this man has no finer feeings that any decent woman is bound to respect.

 

There is guaranteed hurt ahead in this mess, but it's not for him.

[skywriter]

solemate, DON'T worry about his "feelings"; if he can lie to and cheat on his wife, I can assure you that this man has no finer feeings that any decent woman is bound to respect.

 

This is so true! ....and honestly there was a time when I had the MM up on a pedestal. I think that's where I needed to have him to justify my being involved with a MM.

[Furious]

It's no wonder many men don't respect women, when they're so easy to lie to and deceive.

 

Some men can have a tattoo on their forehead that says ******* and explain it away as a spelling mistake.

[Ninja'sHusband]

My wife moves out on Sunday..admittedly I've been browsing singles sites...just to see what's out there.

 

In order to do that, they make you create a profile. The FIRST thing on my profile is something like: "I'm in the middle of a divorce and shouldn't be dating anyone for like a year, just here to look around"

 

And on sites where I can hide my profile, I've done so.

 

The fact that this guy wasn't up front about his marital status is a huge red flag, even worse that his wife thinks everything is fine. With me...uh...yeah everyone knows things are pretty baaaaddd....

 

I would not get involved in this mess in anyway.

 

(on a side note...I saw a girl on one of the sites just the other day that matches me more than I could have hoped for....resisting sending any messages for her sake....It's just too early... I'm trying to take this as "See, it only took me a month of online searching and there was a possibility...I can do this again in a year!")

[Owl]

 

The thing is, he wants to leave his wife, but he doesn't want to find his own place and us being so compatible, he already suggested staying here. We're not on the same page with this, I like him, I like being with him, but I love being single and seeing him once or twice a week is fine by me.

 

I need to slow things down and him back off a bit, but I know he's going to be hurt and I don't know how to broach it.

 

No...you really should re-think this and proceed with your initial reaction and end it.

 

Look at the bolded part...

 

How do you know this? Because he told you so?

 

Hmmm....this is AFTER you found out that he's still (happily?) married...on your own, by digging around yourself?

 

He's already demonstrated that he's more than capable of lying...both to his wife (who thinks everything is ok), and you...as he's already lied to you from the very beginning about his status.

 

WHY did he lie about his status? Because he knew that if he didn't...he'd get no dates.

 

WHY would he lie to you about leaving his wife to be with you? Because if he doesn't...you're very likely to end the affair.

 

Not a good start to a relationship.

 

I say throw this fish back...it don't smell right.

[YellowShark]

And if you were his wife lllost he'd be on dating site driving a bus over you. What a catch!

[2sunny]

Please say you're not having sex with him!

[lllost]

Thanks for all of your considered responses. I don't think I can have explained the situation properly.

There is no reason for him to tell me he is leaving his wife, I think if it's over then that may be the best thing for both of them, but it would change little between us. I'm not looking for any sort of full on relationship either. So his being married probably suits me better.

 

lllost,

It's like a protection mechanism in your mind to make it alright.

 

I may have been guilty of rationalising but not as a protection mechanism, as I DO think it's alright. Oh, not that he lied to me that was unnecessary.

 

It is no surprise to the reader however. Your gullibility is painfully obvious and married men prowling dating sites are able to pick up on this trait immediately.

No he doesn't want to leave his wife. If he really wanted and had plans to leave his wife, he wouldn't be posing as a "very busy" single father on dating websites. He got caught and is merely telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

He finds a girl who found out he's married, doesn't want to kick him to the curb AND doesn't want him to move in?

JACKPOT!!!!!

Now all he has to do is keep insisting he wants move in with you, which will successfully fool you into thinking he's really leaving his wife and wants to be with you.

Reverse psychology at it's finest. Little-to-no effort necessary on his part.

There is nothing to slow down. You're not (and never will be) moving forward with this guy.

Trust me on this - this married man is NOT going to be hurt that you don't want him to move in.

Take this as a valuable lesson learned -- stay away from dating sites. They are chock full of married losers looking for gullibles to get over on. Also get yourself into therapy to figure out why you would lower yourself into the OW role.

 

I've been dating for a couple of years and met many guys, I'm aware of the games etc. I don't think I am as naive as you assume. He hasn't insisted that he wants to leave his wife, but he is also not the only person I know who carries on in a less than perfect situation because it is easier/more convenient/cheaper than other options, and obviously his child is a huge factor. It's obviously less than perfect or he wouldn't have been looking in the first place. I don't need him to say that he's leaving because of me, in fact that's why I want to back off, I'm very happy with a part time relationship.

 

Where is your outrage? Why aren't you pissed off? This guy conned you, why are you rationalizing and making it OK? What a sleezy asshat he IS, I mean come on, he lied about being married. If one can lie about that, ask yourself if you should believe anything else out of his mouth. Seriously.....who the heck knows, he might be a pedophile, on probation, have a prison record. If someone lies about being married....they will and can lie about anything, why is that not clicking for you?

You aren't in too deep, back out now and you should report him to the dating site and seriously.....you need to think about why you aren't pissed.

 

He said he was single on the profile, but told me on our first date that they were still living in the same house. I'm not pissed 'cos I really could care less what else is going on. As I said, he's attentive and loving and I'm happy with the situation as it is. I am pissed that he misled me about his relationship with his wife.

 

His dating profile is probably still active, and he's probably still scamming other women the same way he's scamming you. Guys like this are why sites like Cheaterville exist.

 

No, it was removed after we'd being seeing each other for a couple of weeks.

 

And if you were his wife lllost he'd be on dating site driving a bus over you. What a catch!

Very possibly

 

Please say you're not having sex with him!

 

Yes of course, but having looked at the comments, I can see I have nothing to worry about, I can ask for clarification, (understanding that I may not get it) and have the relationship run at my pace, as he is obviously onto a good thing.

[MollyBrown]

So his being married probably suits me better.

 

Remember that someday when you're married with children and another woman is crawling all over your husband and the father of your children because it suits her. If you don't want a full relationship, why were you on a dating site? Don't people go there with the hope of finding a compatible mate? I don't know you, but I get the feeling you're trying to convince yourself that this situation is enough for you.

[lllost]

If you don't want a full relationship, why were you on a dating site? Don't people go there with the hope of finding a compatible mate? I don't know you, but I get the feeling you're trying to convince yourself that this situation is enough for you.

 

I am 46, was married for over 20 years and my children are adults.

 

I did go on a dating site to find a compatible mate, and I have. I no longer need someone to help me raise children, I am very happy with my own social life. A part time mate is what I want.

[2sure]

He was shopping on a dating site. The single Dad thing was to make him seem like a hero as well as cover the bizarre times he had available. He seems to treat you better than other men because that's what he has to do to make up for the fact that in reality, he offers nothing. You may not be special as much as available.

 

if you're ok with it and if that's as much as you really want, then ok. But don't make it different than it is until it really is.

[alexandria35]

I'm the same age as you, my kids are also grown and I also could not imagine having a full time longterm relationship right now. That might change in the future but at the moment I'm really enjoying my singledom. A decent guy who I could see a two or three evenings a week for good conversation and great sex, but who would always go home to his own place and never make demands of me would be a great find indeed. However Hell would freeze over before I would ever start seeing a married man. Bleech!

 

For one thing I'm done with drama and unnecessary high stress relationships. You think you have an easy no drama relationship right now because it's only been two months and you are still getting what you want out of it, but you are inviting drama and pain into your life. Whether you continue to be an affair or he leaves his wife, drama is heading your way. Lots of it. I've outgrown that kind of dyfunctional crap and matured into a reasonable, intelligent, honest and authentic adult. I don't play at lies and deceit and I don't take part in anyone elses lies and deceit. It always surprises me when I see women over 40 being so immature and emotionally childish and selfish. I used to think everyone would mature beyond that but I guess some people are just stunted and never do grow up.

 

Secondly I'm done being being disrespected by others and mostly I'm done disrespecting myself. Just because I don't want to move in with someone and get married doesn't mean I'm about to accept being someones secret little thing on the side. I don't care how charming and attentive a guy is when he is with me, if he goes home to another woman, while lying about me and keeping me secret, that is disrespect. I may not want to be married and settle down but that doesn't mean I'll settle for someone who I can't phone at home, can't meet his family, can't be with me in crisis, etc. I wouldn't let someone who is only a friend keep me hidden like that, much less someone I'm being emotionally and sexually intimate with. The idea of waiting for my date to be able to come up with some lie to his family so he can sneak away and be with me under a cloak of secrecy and deceit is stomach turning to me.

 

You seem to want to come across like a mature, smart, independant woman but I can't imagine a truly enlightened mature woman engaging in this behavior. Part of my personal growth has been to become aware of my actions and how those actions affect not only me but everyone around me too. Although my sons are grown it's important to me that I continue to be an example of honesty and integrity for them. How could I be involved with a married man and still be someone my sons admire and respect? I spent their whole lives teaching them importance of honesty. What would they think of me if they found out I was sneaking around with a married man with children. How would this affect my relationship with my daughter in law who has small children with my son? My son's little boy and little girls think their daddy walks on water. They adore him beyond words. If he were to devastate his family with an affair by leaving to be with an OW or by his wife finding out and kicking his ass out, his kids lives would be devastated. Knowing how much I love my sons and my grandchildren and how painful and deep the consequences of an affair would be for them, I could never be a participant in that kind of pain in another persons family. I couldn't do that and then look my own family in the eye and feel good about myself. Our choices and actions matter to the world. What we do or what we don't do does make a difference in peoples lives. Even if we think nobody notices or nobody cares, somebody somewhere is being affected by our choices and it matters to me that I'm affecting people in a good and positive way.

[lllost]

You seem to want to come across like a mature, smart, independant woman but I can't imagine a truly enlightened mature woman engaging in this behavior.

 

Thanks for writing and giving your perspective which I understand, even if I disagree. I'm certainly not trying to come across as anything except someone who finds myself in an unusual situation (for me). I certainly don't hold myself accountable for accelerating the problems in his marriage, he was on a dating site, if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else.

 

I have backed off with it, which is what I was asking about originally as he is too full on for me, wanting to move in etc.

 

I don't care that he is married, I do care that he lied to me, that constitutes a loss of trust which may be impossible to get back.

[lllost]

He was shopping on a dating site. The single Dad thing was to make him seem like a hero as well as cover the bizarre times he had available. He seems to treat you better than other men because that's what he has to do to make up for the fact that in reality, he offers nothing. You may not be special as much as available.

 

if you're ok with it and if that's as much as you really want, then ok. But don't make it different than it is until it really is.

 

I didn't think I was making it different than it is.

 

He never said he was a single dad, he told me he was still living with his estranged ex, because of finances and to maintain the relationship with his child, now I know she isn't aware they are estranged.

 

I know that this is convenient but as someone who spent the last 2 years of my marriage in a similar situation I did think it could be possible, while holding on to the suspicion (later proved) that it was unlikely.