Would you give up porn if your loved one asked?

[BetheButterfly]

Hello

 

The other porn threads seem to have gotten into a fighting match of sorts between those who have no problem with porn and those who do have a problem with it morally. People are diverse and see things in different ways. However, one thing that is important in a relationship is caring about what your loved one thinks and why.

 

If you like to see porn, and fall in love with a person who thinks porn is hurtful to that person's emotional/mental/spiritual connection with you, would you give up porn for her/him?

 

My Dad did. My parents are not perfect and have had various roller coasters of good/bad times in their marriage. However, I know without a doubt that they love each other, and part of the knowledge of their love is their willingness, on both sides, to give up certain things that hurt the other. Awesomely, my parents' marriage has grown stronger over the years!!!

 

For my Mom, porn is a big no-no. She was very hurt when she found out about my Dad's addiction to porn, and she confronted him about it. My Dad was already not fond of this addiction, but had a hard time letting it go. However, because of his love for my Mom, my Dad began the steps to get free from his porn addiction. As far as I know, he has not looked at porn in years, which my Mom is very grateful for and has helped them draw closer together, instead of pulled them apart.

 

There are groups of men in the community who meet together to help support each other in their fight against porn addiction, sort of like AA. Even though I understand that there are people who do not get addicted, habitual behaviors do tend to become addictive to some people.

 

Below is a link to an interesting article giving advice to men addicted to porn:

Dealing With Porn Addiction - AskMen

 

and another interesting article:

Internet Pornography Addiction - Signs, Stats, Help and Treatment

 

Now, whether you are addicted or not (and the first step to recovery from addiction is admitting one is addicted and no longer wants to be)

 

"Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

 

How It Works

 

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

- A.A. Big Book, p. 24 (Substitute your own addiction for drink if your addiction is different than alcohol)"

Step 1

 

Now, I understand that not everybody sees pornography as cheating, like some people do. However, if your partner feels hurt and a loss of connection with you because of porn, would you give it up in order to show your partner that you love her/him, whether you are addicted to porn or not?

Edited June 29, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[xxoo]

The subject would have been discussed during the playful stages of dating, and we wouldn't be together if he felt occasional viewing of porn to be hurtful. We'd likely be too far apart on sexual attitudes for it to work out if porn is that big of a deal to him.

[USMCHokie]

The subject would have been discussed during the playful stages of dating, and we wouldn't be together if he felt occasional viewing of porn to be hurtful. We'd likely be too far apart on sexual attitudes for it to work out if porn is that big of a deal to him.

 

Agreed. This would be a complete non-issue as I'd never be with someone who didn't share an appreciation for it...

[BetheButterfly]

Agreed. This would be a complete non-issue as I'd never be with someone who didn't share an appreciation for it...

 

My parents didn't talk about porn before they got married. They were both 18 years old and both virgins. My Mom had no idea that my Dad was addicted to porn magazines until afterwards, and it hurt her a lot. They are in their 50s now, and have been married for more than 35 years (I forgot exactly how long) but i know their marriage is older than I am.

 

Nowadays it is good that people talk about what faithfulness = in a relationship before promising to be faithful.

 

My hubby and I had many conversations about porn before we even became boyfriend/girlfriend. He considers porn to be a waste of time, immoral, and only wants me to fulfill his sexual needs!!!

 

Even though it was not a stipulation for me, I was pleasantly surprised at his confession to not being interested in porn. In university, I did go through a phase of being fascinated by porn, but got over it. I am glad my hubby and I share the same ideas concerning porn use. I hope and believe that he and I will have a wonderful married life together for the rest of our lives! We have been married for almost a year, and it has been amazing so far!!! We want to grow old together and enjoy every stage of life together!!!

Edited June 29, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree with those who say that a person who thinks porn is bad and a person who enjoys porn are going to have basic incompatibility.

 

If I had an addiction to porn (or something else) and my loved one talked to me about how it was impacting him, our relationship and our lives toxically, and talked to be about getting help for my addiction, I HOPE I would listen to him and take action.

 

I don't look at porn now. My husband it really horrified by porn. If I did look at some porn, and he happened to discover that I did and asked me to never do it again - I would have a big problem with that. It wouldn't be about the porn. It would be about what's my business and what is his. Also I would be concerned about control issues and about where such insecurity in him might lead.

 

If he wanted to talk about it, though, rather than ask me to never look again, I would be very open to that.

[BetheButterfly]

I agree with those who say that a person who thinks porn is bad and a person who enjoys porn are going to have basic incompatibility.

 

If I had an addiction to porn (or something else) and my loved one talked to me about how it was impacting him, our relationship and our lives toxically, and talked to be about getting help for my addiction, I HOPE I would listen to him and take action.

 

I don't look at porn now. My husband it really horrified by porn. If I did look at some porn, and he happened to discover that I did and asked me to never do it again - I would have a big problem with that. It wouldn't be about the porn. It would be about what's my business and what is his. Also I would be concerned about control issues and about where such insecurity in him might lead.

 

If he wanted to talk about it, though, rather than ask me to never look again, I would be very open to that.

 

All very good points

 

Yeah compatibility is important!

 

Yeah, talking about it, and not trying to control the other, is very important too. Thanks for bringing those up.

 

I wonder if my Dad thought that my Mom was trying to control him? I would like to ask him about that. (I wouldn't want to ask my Mom that though.) My Mom is much more emotional about this subject than my Dad is.

[xxoo]

If he wanted to talk about it, though, rather than ask me to never look again, I would be very open to that.

 

Yes, me too.

 

There was a time, for example, that we were getting a magazine delivered to our home in error, for months on end. It was one of those "men's magazines" with lots of airbrushed women in bikinis (not porn). For months, I was ok with it and read the articles. Then, at one point, I was going through a tough personal time, and the magazine made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't want it around. It was fully my issue, but I talked to my H about it, and he listened. He tossed the magazine before bringing it in from the mailbox for a few months.

 

Later on, when I was feeling better, I was ok with it again, and I started bringing it inside again. He followed my lead, without any discussion. I am certain he doesn't care about the bikini girls, one way or another! It was fully my issue, and had nothing to do with him. Still, I appreciated that he listened when I was feeling insecure, and just tossed it for a while.

 

He would not have been as agreeable, however, if I'd made it about him and the magazines. It was always about me and the magazines.

[january2011]

Unlikely. I need to be with someone who is fairly open-minded.

 

Having said that, if I ever became addicted to porn or anything else, so much so that it affected my quality of life, then I'd hope that my partner would intervene in a kind and loving way to guide me towards seeking help.

 

Agree with the others that porn would be discussed fairly early on. An emphatic declaration of "no porn" would be met with a series of questions to drill down to the "why." I most likely would not leave it at, "because it's hurtful to my emotional/mental/spiritual connection with you." I'd need some history leading to the decision, etc. I'd lean towards the stance being a dealbreaker, but I'm willing to give the person a chance to explain their reasoning in more detail.

 

Edit: Ach, cross-posted!

[BetheButterfly]

 

Having said that, if I ever became addicted to porn or anything else, so much so that it affected my quality of life, then I'd hope that my partner would intervene in a kind and loving way to guide me towards seeking help.

 

Agree with the others that porn would be discussed fairly early on.

 

I really like the above.

 

As for being open-minded, I don't believe my Mom is a close-minded person. She is very loving, intelligent, fun, caring, and a great giver. She loves all people and has no problem making friends or caring for others.

 

She just considers porn to be cheating. I don't think that is close-minded at all, anymore than a person considering a person having an affair to be cheating is close-minded. It just means that she has a different idea as to what faithfulness is/isn't than those who don't consider it to be cheating.

 

About my Dad, I think he did know that my Mom was/is conservative sexually. He knew she was a virgin before they got married. They just didn't talk at all about porn. He obviously didn't share that detail about his life with her till she found it out after marriage, even though he was a virgin too.

 

Because of this, I have no idea if Mom would have married him had she known. I've never asked her that. I do think Dad had an inkling that Mom would not have liked it, hence why not tell her? However, in that time period, pornography was not as culturally accepted as it is today. It wasn't something many conservative people openly discussed, even with their potential marriage partner. I am happy that today, it is more openly discussed, so people who have different views on it can discuss if they are indeed compatible or not. Regardless, I do know my parents very much love each other, and I know my Dad did give up pornography out of love for my Mom.

Edited June 29, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[ThaWholigan]

If I had a loved one, I most likely wouldn't even watch porn .

 

 

Unless of course, they like porn too .....

 

Hypothetically, if I were watching porn while in a relationship with her. If we spoke about it and she genuinely felt that me watching porn affected her, I would happily never watch it again.

[somedude81]

No problem.

 

But she'd have to get me off every day to make up for it.

 

It can be sex, oral or manual.

[BetheButterfly]

No problem.

 

But she'd have to get me off every day to make up for it.

 

It can be sex, oral or manual.

 

Lol!!! Understood!!!

 

That's more than reasonable, I'd say, though not "have to"... It's best if woman you commit to LOVES doing so and does so freely, not because it's required, but because she wants to

 

Personally, I love doing all the above for my hubby! I hope that never ever changes!!! (I'm definitely not planning on changing that, and i am trying to stay sexy for him too, because I love him and because I love making love with him!!!

[Mme. Chaucer]

No problem.

 

But she'd have to get me off every day to make up for it.

 

It can be sex, oral or manual.

 

Well, making conditions like that is just about as controlling as saying "NO PORN." Probably both equally relationship-murdering, for me, anyway.

[Els]

Well, making conditions like that is just about as controlling as saying "NO PORN." Probably both equally relationship-murdering, for me, anyway.

 

This sort of transactional bargaining in a R boggles me slightly, tbh. I can't imagine how that could possibly go well.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I most likely would not leave it at, "because it's hurtful to my emotional/mental/spiritual connection with you." I'd need some history leading to the decision, etc. I'd lean towards the stance being a dealbreaker, but I'm willing to give the person a chance to explain their reasoning in more detail.

 

 

Right. If you really love someone, you will take their whole being into consideration. If they've had some damaging experience or trauma in their life and you can prevent harmful triggering by maybe giving up a thing or making a behavior change, you might very well do that out of love.

 

I have a "problem" with drugs and alcohol. I am a recovering drug addict, came from a family of violent and mad drunks, was in abusive relationships with substance abusers, and lost most of what I had due to my ex husband's return to practicing addiction.

 

I constantly struggle with what is "my" sh** around that stuff and what is actually a problem. Drinking is not illegal, I don't mind being around drinking, and I don't want to control other peoples' drinking. BUT, drunkenness and some other behaviors trigger terrible fears in me.

 

My husband pretty much needs to tailor some of his behavior specifically because of my issues around drinking, which he does not share.

 

It's quite a balancing act, being ready and able to make changes that will benefit the relationship while at the same time neither enabling another person to live in a state of fear, substance abuse or neurosis, or getting all controlling and crossing important boundaries. I haven't quite figured it out.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This sort of transactional bargaining in a R boggles me slightly, tbh. I can't imagine how that could possibly go well.

 

If I were on the receiving end of such a deal I would run like the wind.

[xxoo]

No problem.

 

But she'd have to get me off every day to make up for it.

 

It can be sex, oral or manual.

 

 

If you had a partner, I bet you'd find the memories of last night's sex much more stimulating than porn for the occasional masturbatory needs.

[Els]

If I were on the receiving end of such a deal I would run like the wind.

 

I think that would be the wisest decision. But even if a woman doesn't choose to leave, I can't see how they would not instinctively be repelled by sex under such conditions, which is the exact opposite of the intended effect. When sexual acts are treated as something that you 'have to do to get me off everyday, otherwise I'll watch porn/cheat/etc' (not saying that watching porn and cheating are the same things, just that they are both often used in this context).. it makes sex a duty, a chore of sorts. And that is extremely unlikely to incite the fire in any woman's loins.

[denise_xo]

If I can approach the question from a different angle, there are certain kinds of porn I wouldn't want my partner to accept that I watch. That would include stuff like teenage porn and porn with violent undertones. I'd like to have compatibility in that area. A straight ban on all porn would also indicate incompatibility for me, as other posters have also said.

[joystickd]

No and that's because I'm an open book so she would know about me enough about me to make an informed decision to stay or not. Those if you loved me you would stop statements are manipulative.

[zengirl]

Technically, I don't watch porn, so it's a moot question, I suppose. But, really, I wouldn't give up anything just because Hubby asked and didn't like it. I would, however, take his feelings into consideration if he had a conversation with me like xxoo's example and I'd hope he would mine. I don't like the transactional negotiations ("I'll do this, but you have to do that!") but all of a R is about compromise and growing together, so I'm sure there are things I'd give up, over time, if it was something that improved my partnership and if they weren't brought to me as "my problems" or ultimatums.

 

I will say that if anyone brought me the idea that watching porn or fantasizing or masturbating was the same thing as "cheating" then that person would not be compatible with me. I do not believe that and cannot see any logic to it. To me, that seems controlling. So people would need compatibility of views, I'd think.

[Silly_Girl]

I can't see any way I'd end up with someone anti-porn so the question doesn't really apply in the same way, but if my boyfriend did a 180 and decided he hated it I would refuse to commit to not using porn at any time.

[Robert Z]

If you like to see porn, and fall in love with a person who thinks porn is hurtful to that person's motional/mental/spiritual connection with you, would you give up porn for her/him?

 

In years past the answer probably would have been a straight yes. Now, it would be question. Do you plan to satisfy my needs if I give up porn? Unless there is an addiction involved, then it seems to me that the partner must have unfullfilled needs that he is she is seeking to satsify through porn. So to ask someone to give it up suggests to me a personal responsiblilty to find out why it is needed and change that. If that means doing your duty even if you don't feel like it, oh well. Don't ask for more than you are willing to give.

 

I'm glad things worked out so well for your parents. Wish I could say the same. But porn was never a problem.

Edited June 30, 2012 by Robert Z

[Silly_Girl]

In years past the answer probably would have been a straight yes. Now, it would be question. Do you plan to satisfy my needs if I give up porn? Unless there is an addiction involved, then it seems to me that the partner must have unfullfilled needs that he is she is seeking to satsify through porn. So to ask someone to give it up suggests to me a personal responsiblilty to find out why it is needed and change that. If that means doing your duty even if you don't feel like it, oh well. Don't ask for more than you are willing to give.

 

I don't agree. Even when I'm getting the most (good) sex of my life there's times when porn appeals. It's not an 'instead of', for me, it's an 'as well as'.

[Robert Z]

I don't agree. Even when I'm getting the most (good) sex of my life there's times when porn appeals. It's not an 'instead of', for me, it's an 'as well as'.

 

Okay, I can understand that. Do you think it is just the autoerotic stimulation, or is there more to it than that?