Would you give up porn if your loved one asked?

[Robert Z]

it makes sex a duty, a chore of sorts. And that is extremely unlikely to incite the fire in any woman's loins.

 

Aren't you calling on him to do his duty? Why is his duty and different than yours? Why does it matter if your loins are fired? His needs exist whether you're fired up or not.

 

If a prostitute can at least pretend to care, for a few bucks, why can't a wife who allegedly really loves her husband?

Edited June 30, 2012 by Robert Z

[Silly_Girl]

Okay, I can understand that. Do you think it is just the autoerotic stimulation, or is there more to it than that?

 

It's the stimuli. Amongst other things I have a thing for noises, porn is good for that. Or sometimes I wake up late, alone and horny and need to be quick and porn is the perfect solution. I can ignore porn for 6 months or use it every day. I've never had 'a relationship with porn' in my view, but I know some people do.

[Robert Z]

It's the stimuli. Amongst other things I have a thing for noises, porn is good for that. Or sometimes I wake up late, alone and horny and need to be quick and porn is the perfect solution. I can ignore porn for 6 months or use it every day. I've never had 'a relationship with porn' in my view, but I know some people do.

 

Please understand that this is just innocent curiosity. I am the last one to judge anyone in this regard.

 

Why would you need stimuli from porn if you have a great sex life? Is it just a matter of sex not always being available when you need it? Or could you desire additional stimulation even after a rewarding session in bed?

[ScienceGal]

It's the stimuli. Amongst other things I have a thing for noises, porn is good for that. Or sometimes I wake up late, alone and horny and need to be quick and porn is the perfect solution. I can ignore porn for 6 months or use it every day. I've never had 'a relationship with porn' in my view, but I know some people do.

 

I agree. I don't watch it very often, but once in a while it's nice.

 

If a partner asked me to give it up, I would want to know the underlying reasons why watching it occasionally is wrong to them. I'd want to talk about it, because I used to be 100% against it too. It took time and becoming more secure with myself as a woman to be ok with it. I think the real problem is when porn changes the relationship you have with your partner, which is usually through overuse or addiction.

[Robert Z]

It took time and becoming more secure with myself as a woman to be ok with it.

 

How do you mean? Do you mean it took time to allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your sexual nature, or at least this aspect of it?

[ScienceGal]

How do you mean? Do you mean it took time to allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your sexual nature, or at least this aspect of it?

 

The first guy I had sex with professed to love me, but cheated on me repeatedly and watched porn. I was a teenager, and it left a big impact on me and affected how I viewed men, love and relationships. My parents never talked to me about sex or relationships, so I just stumbled around being hurt and confused. Even through later relationships I held a strong sensitivity to porn, as well as trust issues in general. I always felt like if a man watched porn, he only viewed sex as a self-pleasing act and it destroyed all love, connections, and devotion to me.

 

It was only a few years ago that I watched porn for the first time. Once I allowed myself to see it, my feelings changed. I saw it as purely a sexually stimulating tool, to be used alone or with a partner, or both! Watching it didn't mean I thought any less of my partner. Most importantly, I was no longer at a point in life where I was confused or questioned my value or self-worth.

[Manimal]

I'd give it up, which I pretty much have (but not because of a request or ultimatum, but mostly due to time and opportunity). My wife works days while I work from home and watch our two hellions, so heading over to Big Naturals or Congo Queens wouldn't really have the desired effect while my 2-year-old daughter tugs on my shirt for a banana.

 

My ex and I used to watch it together. We had a pretty kinky relationship, so it worked. Conversely, I'd have to drug my wife to get her to watch porn with me, yet we have a fantastic sex life. Go figure.

[nessaaa]

no problem.

but I won't give up my toy, no way.

 

 

Hello :

The other porn threads seem to have gotten into a fighting match of sorts between those who have no problem with porn and those who do have a problem with it morally. People are diverse and see things in different ways. However, one thing that is important in a relationship is caring about what your loved one thinks and why.

 

If you like to see porn, and fall in love with a person who thinks porn is hurtful to that person's emotional/mental/spiritual connection with you, would you give up porn for her/him?

 

My Dad did. My parents are not perfect and have had various roller coasters of good/bad times in their marriage. However, I know without a doubt that they love each other, and part of the knowledge of their love is their willingness, on both sides, to give up certain things that hurt the other. Awesomely, my parents' marriage has grown stronger over the years!!!

 

For my Mom, porn is a big no-no. She was very hurt when she found out about my Dad's addiction to porn, and she confronted him about it. My Dad was already not fond of this addiction, but had a hard time letting it go. However, because of his love for my Mom, my Dad began the steps to get free from his porn addiction. As far as I know, he has not looked at porn in years, which my Mom is very grateful for and has helped them draw closer together, instead of pulled them apart.

 

There are groups of men in the community who meet together to help support each other in their fight against porn addiction, sort of like AA. Even though I understand that there are people who do not get addicted, habitual behaviors do tend to become addictive to some people.

 

Below is a link to an interesting article giving advice to men addicted to porn:

Dealing With Porn Addiction - AskMen

 

and another interesting article:

Internet Pornography Addiction - Signs, Stats, Help and Treatment

 

Now, whether you are addicted or not (and the first step to recovery from addiction is admitting one is addicted and no longer wants to be)

 

"Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

 

How It Works

 

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

- A.A. Big Book, p. 24 (Substitute your own addiction for drink if your addiction is different than alcohol)"

Step 1

 

Now, I understand that not everybody sees pornography as cheating, like some people do. However, if your partner feels hurt and a loss of connection with you because of porn, would you give it up in order to show your partner that you love her/him, whether you are addicted to porn or not?

[irin]

i already did, it got soo boring. i honestly feel nothing when i see it now, i used to watch it all the time.

[Robert Z]

no problem.

but I won't give up my toy, no way.

 

I assume you are a woman...?

 

Interesting point. Are all the women out there who would demand that their hubbies give up porn also opposed to toys for women?

[Robert Z]

I assume you are a woman...?

 

Interesting point. Are all the women out there who would demand that their hubbies give up porn also opposed to toys for women?

 

... or the old porn for women, romance novels?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I agree. I don't watch it very often, but once in a while it's nice.

 

If a partner asked me to give it up, I would want to know the underlying reasons why watching it occasionally is wrong to them. I'd want to talk about it, because I used to be 100% against it too. It took time and becoming more secure with myself as a woman to be ok with it. I think the real problem is when porn changes the relationship you have with your partner, which is usually through overuse or addiction.

 

ScienceGal, when you say you watch it "once in awhile", what does that mean exactly? 1 time a week? 1 time a month? 1 time a year?

[123321]

If you like to see porn, and fall in love with a person who thinks porn is hurtful to that person's emotional/mental/spiritual connection with you, would you give up porn for her/him?

 

Don't make promises you can't keep, is my motto. Why would someone give up something they enjoy to be with a person who would demand they give up something they enjoy? Making that sort of demand isn't generally my idea of love.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

If I was engaging in something my partner didn't like, and we had a good talk about it and we both talked about how we felt and what kind of relationship we were looking to have, especially if it was something I deemed unimportant in the first place, why wouldn't I give it up? I don't understand the logic in saying something is unimportant but at the same time, if push came to shove, one would feel adversely to not have it anymore. Usually if that's the case, then it's something that is relatively important to that person. If you don't want to give something up, that means it's important to you. I think part of relationships is learning to work with someone and sometimes making sacrifices because you love that person. As for what is controlling, it can be equally controlling to demand with no discussion that someone give up porn as it is to hold onto porn with two fits and imply that someone that doesn't want it part of their lives is automoatically controlling.

 

What is interesting to me about the topic of porn is how much the conversatoin about pornography has changed with technology. I use to hear men say "I only watch it once in awhile". But I rarely ever hear that anymore. I'd be curious in a study that evaluated how much porn people look at today vs pre-internet and how much people are having actual sex today vs pre-internet. It probably would be a nearly impossible study to really do but it would be interesting to see if people are simply masturbating more then putting the effort in for sex.

 

I also don't think liking porn makes one more open-minded at all. Or makes someone a better sexual partner. Infact, I think porn has made men worse lovers in my experience. I'm not too sure why people link porn to open mindedness. Especially since porn is usually pretty stereotypical in what it is protraying and enjoys boxing people into narrowly defined catagories.

[joystickd]

Why even ask someone to stop something if you already knew they were doing it from the beginning? Why even waste the energy to change what someone does when there are other people that maybe not do what you don't like?

[123321]

If I was engaging in something my partner didn't like, and we had a good talk about it and we both talked about how we felt and what kind of relationship we were looking to have, especially if it was something I deemed unimportant in the first place, why wouldn't I give it up?

 

Depends on the reason.

 

• "I want you to give up smoking because it's bad for you." OK so this is IMO a reasonable thing to have a relationship discussion over.
• "I want you to give up steak because it's bad for you." Now it's getting thin, but I can see where we would chat about dietary habits and other health related things. Hopefully (if health is really the concern) we could come to a compromise that is palatable (so to speak) for both parties.
• "I want you to give up steak because I've come to believe that meat is murder." Well, now you're being unreasonable. We were compatible when we met, but you've had some sort life changing event and you expect me to change my life to accommodate you. We can discuss it but keep in mind that YOU are the one expecting ME to change to accommodate YOUR life changes. You better sell it really well, because frankly you're not being very loving about it yourself.

 

And so on.

 

If people are deeply involved before they understand each others views on things like diet, exercise, and sex, they are IMO doing it wrong. A sudden change in view is the responsibility of the changer to manage.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Why even ask someone to stop something if you already knew they were doing it from the beginning? Why even waste the energy to change what someone does when there are other people that maybe not do what you don't like?

 

Because it's real life and in real life we are comforted with all kinds of things in relationships? I don't really know anyone that 100% likes everything their partner does or thinks their partner is perfect. Man or woman. If a man asks his wife to spend less money or no money for awhile on something is that a bad thing?

 

When my parents met my dad smoked cigars. My Mom tried to get him to quit. He eventually did and would talk about how it was one of the best things he had ever done. My brother's fiance helps him to make healthier eating choices. He actually really likes that about her and was talking about this today with me. I am not saying that needs to be the case with porn. It's up to each individual couple. Some people are just fine with porn. But it doesn't always have to be a negative thing to change behavior. And changing behavior can even be a positive thing. Now I am not saying this is how your relatoinships should be. You should be with a woman that likes porn as much as you do. Since porn is important to you. I'm just saying that a change doesn't always have to be negative.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Good sex, no porn necessary for myself.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Depends on the reason.

 

Absoluetely. Everything always depends on the reasons and motivations behind why we do things. But that goes both ways too.

[123321]

Absoluetely. Everything always depends on the reasons and motivations behind why we do things. But that goes both ways too.

 

So what would be a reasonable reason for someone to (1) suddenly change their view on porn and (2) ask their partner to change because of it?

[xxoo]

I'm not too sure why people link porn to open mindedness.

 

Not necessarily liking or watching porn, but seeing many sides to the porn issue makes someone open minded. If a partner could not see any possible way that porn could be used in a way that wasn't harmful to our relationship, that would seem very closed minded to me. He doesn't have to use it or enjoy it, but at least be open to hearing why I sometimes like to use it without preconceived ideas about how or why I use it.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

So what would be a reasonable reason for someone to (1) suddenly change their view on porn and (2) ask their partner to change because of it?

 

There are many reasons and many situations. Am I really suppose to list each one? Or are you just baiting me and mocking me? I can't tell with the wink.

[123321]

There are many reasons and many situations. Am I really suppose to list each one? Or are you just baiting me and mocking me? I can't tell with the wink.

 

The wink is because I thought "reasonable reason" was odd sounding but it nonetheless expressed my meaning.

 

Just name ... 3 reasons.

[Robert Z]

What is interesting to me about the topic of porn is how much the conversatoin about pornography has changed with technology. I use to hear men say "I only watch it once in awhile". But I rarely ever hear that anymore. I'd be curious in a study that evaluated how much porn people look at today vs pre-internet and how much people are having actual sex today vs pre-internet. It probably would be a nearly impossible study to really do but it would be interesting to see if people are simply masturbating more then putting the effort in for sex.

 

Porn is far more acceptable today that it used to be. Even today there are men who are ashamed to admit that they masturbate, much less view porn, but that is mainly a function of age now, I think. In my view, as a function of the changing technology perhaps, and perhaps due to other trends, society has simply become more honest and sophisticated about all of this. I known I have.

 

Before videos there were internet photos, and before iphotos there were magazines like Penthouse and movie rentals, and before that there was stuff available by mail order and in sleezy shops in the rough end of town. And before that little boys and probably men masturbated to the bra and panty section of the sears catalogs.

 

Every generation thinks they invented sex.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Not necessarily liking or watching porn, but seeing many sides to the porn issue makes someone open minded. If a partner could not see any possible way that porn could be used in a way that wasn't harmful to our relationship, that would seem very closed minded to me. He doesn't have to use it or enjoy it, but at least be open to hearing why I sometimes like to use it without preconceived ideas about how or why I use it.

 

You know my feelings on porn XXOO. Do you believe me to be close-minded?

 

When it has come to the porn argument, usually one sides sees way more negative then positive and the other side sees way more positives then negatives. Some people are neutral to it. Are you suggesting that the side that seems more positives to porn and the industry are the ones that are more open minded?

 

I have a very complex stance on porn myself. Which I think is shown through my complex commentary on the subject which simply goes beyon, " I just don't like it." But just because I see it more bad then good doesn't mean I am close minded. The fact that I find porn more negative then positive, I don't think makes me a close minded person. I also think people are using the idea of "close minded" as a way to shame those that don't see things like they may. It's more easy to over simply something and say someone is simply close minded then it is anything else.

 

I don't believe anyone on this board is close minded to be honest. Even the people I reguarly disagree with. I may not like the way a few people here treat me sometimes, I may not agree with their opinion at all, but I don't think they are close minded. I've seen so many varied personality types with varied likes and dislikes, It would be really hard to catagorize people as close minded anyway. People are so much more then that with so many more complexities. Which is why this debate and discussion is forever ongoing. It's a very complex one tied in with our complex human nature.