mixed messages

[lolita jade]

I have had a male friend for about 4 months. He is divorced and spends alot of time playing sport with his friends.

 

He used to text about 4 times a day and the chemistry was really strong so ended up having sex but he apologised after and said it makes things messy and complicated. We have met about once a week since and sometimes get sexual, sometimes cuddly and get on well and have the same taste in music.

 

He doesnt text much now and if I suggest doing something bigger for a night out he is never keen. I still see him about once every wk or two. I am confused. Why is the chemistry strong and we get on well but he acts cool with it all?

 

Am I being used or is he afraid of commitment?? Or thinks it will ruin the friendship??

 

I am 45 and live alone and have my own interests and he is 47.

 

Thanks

[writergal]

Am I being used or is he afraid of commitment?? Or thinks it will ruin the friendship??

 

Yes, yes, and yes.

 

It's possible that his mixed signals are from his conflicted feelings about what he wants for his future, which may or may not include you. By letting him have occasional sex with you without a commitment is letting him use you. And that definitely makes reverting to a platonic friendship a bit awkward since you've been intimate. And if he hasn't committed to you in a relationship by now, chances are slim that will happen. Have you tried asking him what he wants, or what he sees with you both? Maybe just be really direct with him about the mixed signals he's giving you. Point out that you'd like to date him exclusively and ask him if that's what he wants. If he doesn't give you a straight answer, interpret that as a "no." He's 47 so he's old enough to know better than to give you more excuses when you address your concerns with him. Hopefully he'll respect you enough to be honest with you. If he isn't, then you've dodged a bullet and can decide if you want to continue his friendship while you seek out a man who won't play mind games with you.

Edited June 29, 2012 by writergal

[lolita jade]

I really like him so was wondering if it turn into more. I don't know whether it it me he is unsure of or whether he thinks dating me would ruin his social life. I am afraid to ask him outright in case it frightens him off but he doesn't even answer my texts sometimes now.

 

I think he is confused as he really was sorry the first time he had sex with me. Which is unlike a man who normally wants sex.

 

I am maybe too old for him as his wife was 15 years younger. They were going to have children but then she ran off with someone of her own age.

 

Maybe he is too polite to tell me he has lost interest but I did see him last night. All we had was a cuddle up on the seattee so I really am confused with all the mixed message.

 

Do you think I should not text him and play cool??

He hates direct questions and avoids them.

Edited June 29, 2012 by lolita jade
add

[writergal]

I really like him so was wondering if it turn into more. I don't know whether it it me he is unsure of or whether he thinks dating me would ruin his social life. I am afraid to ask him outright in case it frightens him off but he doesn't even answer my texts sometimes now.

 

I think he is confused as he really was sorry the first time he had sex with me. Which is unlike a man who normally wants sex.

 

I am maybe too old for him as his wife was 15 years younger. They were going to have children but then she ran off with someone of her own age.

 

Maybe he is too polite to tell me he has lost interest but I did see him last night. All we had was a cuddle up on the seattee so I really am confused with all the mixed message.

 

Do you think I should not text him and play cool??

 

I'm surprised he didn't say anything to you last night. The only way to get answers to your questions is to directly ask him. If he gets scared away then he wasn't the right guy, because you shouldn't be afraid to openly discuss your feelings with your partner.

[stillafool]

Are you sure he feels the chemistry too or maybe it's only you that feels that way? It would seem if he felt that type of chemistry coupled with good sex he would want to see more of you without you having to ask or wonder.

[lolita jade]

Not sure about anything. Completely confused by it all.

 

If he doesnt like me as in not texting much why will he see me? Its not like I am just being used for sex. He sometimes just cuddles but always makes the first move.

 

Why wont he be direct with me? I have text him direct questions.

 

Is it just purely because he doesnt know what he wants or hoping something better will come along. I know he doesnt have anyone at the moment as he plays so much and watches so much sport.

[writergal]

Not sure about anything. Completely confused by it all.

 

If he doesnt like me as in not texting much why will he see me? Its not like I am just being used for sex. He sometimes just cuddles but always makes the first move.

 

Why wont he be direct with me? I have text him direct questions.

 

Is it just purely because he doesnt know what he wants or hoping something better will come along. I know he doesnt have anyone at the moment as he plays so much and watches so much sport.

 

Have you ever heard that idiom, "To have one's cake and eat it too." That's why he continues to see you when it's convenient for him without making a commitment to you. You allow him to have sex with you without it being part of an exclusive relationship.

 

He won't be direct with you because you are afraid to lose him and as a result, won't talk to him about this. This toxic situation will continue as long as you let it. Don't text him, since he won't text you back.

 

Either send him an email or call him. If calling him is too scary, then write him an email.

[lolita jade]

I sent him an text asking if he wanted to be friends, wanted more or was getting bored of me. He replied " everythings fine, talk to you later x "

See no answer again.

 

I will play it very cool with him from now on. I will start to say no to seeing him. I will let him do the running.

 

He isn't necessarily getting all his cake. I have had sex 3 times out of all the times I have seen him. And has apologised twice for possibly making things complicated. If I was seeing him once a week for sex all the time, of course I would know I am being used.

 

True though, I have put him in a position where he doesn't have to commit as he has got away with being a friend with benefits. Was hoping it would make him want more but in reality he is trying less. I guess this is because he knows I like him, so he doesn't have to.

 

Thank you

[writergal]

I sent him an text asking if he wanted to be friends, wanted more or was getting bored of me. He replied " everythings fine, talk to you later x "

See no answer again.

 

I will play it very cool with him from now on. I will start to say no to seeing him. I will let him do the running.

 

He isn't necessarily getting all his cake. I have had sex 3 times out of all the times I have seen him. And has apologised twice for possibly making things complicated. If I was seeing him once a week for sex all the time, of course I would know I am being used.

 

True though, I have put him in a position where he doesn't have to commit as he has got away with being a friend with benefits. Was hoping it would make him want more but in reality he is trying less. I guess this is because he knows I like him, so he doesn't have to.

 

Thank you

 

The fact that he didn't answer your text with a direct answer is all the evidence you need that he isn't interested in a long term relationship with you.

 

If you continue to see him make it on your terms, not his.

 

Start dating men who make you a priority and not an option. Good luck.

[lolita jade]

You are right thank you.

 

I wouldn't mind if he wanted to see me for other social things but he never wants to commit to any plans.

 

I will do a 180 and see if things change or tell him outright I want more.

 

He is just playing with my mind at the moment and I am going to end up hurt if I dont take control.

 

Why wont he just tell me what he wants either way. I always tell people if I just want to be friends or equally I avoid seeing them if not interested at all.

 

Men from Mars thing I guess.