KnottedTummy Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Ok... So, I need some advice and after browsing around your forum for awhile, it looks as though I've come to the right place.... I just please ask that everyone keep an open mind and a clear mind while giving their advice... I'm sure I'll hear it all... and that's what I hope for... Let me start from the beginning... I met this young man when I was 20 years old, he was 21... instantly their was a chemistry and a connection that neither of us could put a handle on... I had just come out of my "first love" relationship of 5 years and he was in a relationship with a girlfriend that lived a couple hundred miles away (he was working and living with relatives in my area) going on 4 years. We had mutual friends in common and we both knew the background behind each others lives, we were very truthful as to where we were coming from. He was in a relationship with someone that he thought he loved until he met me. He had always been faithful, and he gave no reason to think otherwise. We ended up having a very heated relationship while he was living close to me. I felt, and was treated as though I was his girlfriend. Although I was very much aware that I was not, and that topic was a general topic of discussion. The time came when he needed to return home and back to his "normal" life. When he got there it was not so normal. He could no longer look at his girlfriend that same. He continually thought of me and fought with her. He would return to visit me on occasional weekends, and we would telephone often. We were both caught in the middle of something we both were totally unprepared for, both physically (meaning age) and emotionally. I was on my way to a 4 year college and he was trying to figure his life out, but we still had this amazing connection. Needless to say, I moved away and went off to college.. farther away from him. We talked often and still stayed remained friends. Well, I guess a little more than friends. We always have been very intimate with each other, although no longer physically. We shared an intense connection and neither of us could let that go. After a couple of months we slowly drifted apart. I got caught up in school, he got caught up in graduating from college and finding a career. We occasionally emailed eachother just to check up and that was the extent. Then he dropped the bomb..... He told me he was getting married. Yes, to the same woman, his girlfriend of by now, about 6 years. I was a little taken aback but understood that it had been a long time and that things with him and I just weren't meant to be. So, I went my way and he went his. Now, here we are 3 years later....... He sent me an email a few months ago and got in contact with me. We talked the small talk, and beat around the bush... then we got down to business. We started talking about what had gone wrong with us and why we didn't work out. Why he was scared to leave his girlfriend, and how they had been together for so long that they were at the point of either "get married or break up" and they took the option of the latter. We talked about how I was never tried to force him to choose, and how he could always be the person he wanted to be with me. His marriage is failing and things aren't going too well. He says they have tried everything from 2nd honeymoons to counseling and nothing is working, and I believe him. This man has never once lied to me, has left me hanging for one moment, nor has he ever failed to come through on a promise he has made to me... not once. We wanted to see each other again. I think just to see if all of those feelings are still there. Now, unfortunately its even more convenient, his whole family lives in my area now. He has recently paid me a visit... now here we are... back in the same place we were 5 years ago. Neither of us can explain why we came back, or what brought us back. It's such an insane, intense feeling for both of us... one that neither of us can let go of... even after 5 years. But... now he has a wife.. thats the hard part.... I felt like the first time we both mutually said goodbye I was defying fate... now I feel like we both have come back because we knew we should have been together in the first place...... My heart just can't let him go again...... What should I do???? Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 4, 2004 Share Posted July 4, 2004 Back up and slow down just a bit. It sounds as if you really care deeply for this man and *possibly* he cares for you. But he is married. If he married the wrong woman, that's a mistake he deals with alone. He shouldn't drag you into that. This means you cannot have a relationship with him. Period. You DO NOT want to beome his OM. If he suggests it, he's an adulterer. You don't hook up with an adulter. Period. He says his marriage is falling apart. That may be or it may not. He could just be feeding you a line. But it makes no difference anyway. Men often line up a new woman before they dump the old one and this is just plain wrong. You must tell him that you will not have a relationship with him as long as he is married. You don't tell him he must leave his wife and you must tell him that he does NOT end his marriage for you. He must end his marriage, if that's what he chooses to do, for his own reasons. You should have a talk with him and let him know how you feel, BUT you cannot have any further contact as long as he is married. If he chooses to leave that marriage, you will *consider* a relationship with him once he has given himself time to get over the emotional turmoil of a failed marriage. Then the two of you will start from scratch. If you try to do this any other way, everyone will get hurt in the end and you will end without one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Tell him that you don't date married men. If he is serious in getting involved with you he should get out of his marriage first. Link to post Share on other sites
ms.u Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 You are absolutely correct: you ARE too young for this rollercoaster. I am in no way judging you because I am the "other woman" myself, and I am young too. However, I am not involved with a MARRIED man. I can understand the passion, the intensity, the heat and the connection, the long talks, and the intimacy that doesn't always have to be physical. Life is not black and white and who's to say that you can't have strong feelings for more than one person? However, this man is now MARRIED. Get away as fast as you can. It doesn't matter WHY he got married. Whether he got married because he had no choice, because he wanted to, or whatever other reason he gives, HE made that decision. As far as him having difficulties with his wife and fighting with her, etc., etc...That's BS. He's only saying that to you to get your sympathy to make you a little more vulnerable to his game. If it came down to his wife finding out about you guys, who do you think he would chose? The woman who could take him for everything he has, or you? Be honest with yourself Link to post Share on other sites
KnottedTummy Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Can someone please help.... It's only getting deeper.... He's now seperated from his wife... and things are moving fast... what do I do?? I'm getting so swept away, in one sense I am so in love, and in the other I am so scared.... Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 I can only reiterate what I wrote in my previous post to you: If he chooses to leave that marriage, you will *consider* a relationship with him once he has given himself time to get over the emotional turmoil of a failed marriage. Then the two of you will start from scratch. If you try to do this any other way, everyone will get hurt in the end and you will end without one another. Just tell him this is moving too fast and you aren't comfortable with the situation. Tell him that you want to back off for a few months to give him time to clear his hear. Remember, you are talking about YOUR life here, and you must take control of the situation and do what is best for you. If he has any wisdom at all, he will understand that right now is the absolute worst time for him to be starting new relationship, regardless of how he may feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
KnottedTummy Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 Okay, so things are still going crazy, and as much as I have listened to the advice that I have heard on from these threads.. of course a lot is easier said than done... We have continued to see eachother every other weekend, and things have continued to get even more heated... He even speaks now of moving in my direction... I don't know what to do... Logically, I want to call it all off and tell him to get fu**ed (by his wife)... But my heart is telling me to believe in us and do what I have always felt is right.... I need some more advice (go figure)... If I do tell him to move on... how do I do it??? I mean realisitically??? From an OW/OM to another... how would you state that...?? without all the "oh, I deserve better BS" we all know is such a cliche when writing a "dear john" to a MM.... I still want to get my point across with all the emotion that is tied behind it... please help... Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 What can you possibly mean you don't know what to do. You say that you already know what to do in your post. You want to end it. So drop all the drama, stop posting these HELP! messages here, call him up and tell him you are trough and that you will have no further contact with him; there will be no discussion and you rreally don't care to hear what he has to say. Then hang up the phone -- that's right, just hang up even if he's in mid sentence -- and block him on email, phone, IM, everything, and never again speak to or see him. You owe him nothing more. Don't even try to get any point across. Your only point is that your are finished. He's a lying, cheating, wife-abandoning piece of crap and he doesn't deserve an explanation. Unless he's also stupid on top of it all, he already knows why. I'm sorry, but I fail to see how this is a problem at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 Don't ask me. I got so involved I had to force him to dump ME. Listen, tell this guy you want something more from the relationship. Listen to starting again. Ask him when he's going to tell his wife. Then listen to him stammer. Startingagain fails to see how it's a problem because he's not you. But he's right, you need to stop the drama. Read up on the no contact posts here on loveshack-I'll post more later, as I'm tight on time. Link to post Share on other sites
KnottedTummy Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 First of all.. I never said I knew what to do... if I did, I wouldn't be here. What I said was "if I wanted to move on....". Which at this point I'm not even sure is what I want to do. " "call him up and tell him you are trough and that you will have no further contact with him; there will be no discussion and you rreally don't care to hear what he has to say. Then hang up the phone -- that's right, just hang up even if he's in mid sentence -- and block him on email, phone, IM, everything, and never again speak to or see him."-------- does this really seem logical to you StartingAgain?? I mean, did you read the first post, see, I said I had some really strong feelings for this man, and doing this really isn't as easy as it sounds in LS world... sorry... thanks for the advice, but no thanks Yeah, the whole "he's a cheater, wife-abandoning woman hater" or whatever was said about him may be what is perceived, but I don't see that... at least part of that... Yes, I see the cheater, and the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is a cockamammy story, I don't buy it. But no, I don't see the wife abandoner... I know it sounds crazy but let me justify the means. In my eyes he is not abandoning his wife, it takes two to be unhappy, and this I know of first hand. You can be married, but if you are not in love the only thing that is binding the two of you together is that legal piece of paper. And can that really keep you happy?? Yes, it can keep you married, and it can keep you as someones property and as someones "man" or as someones "woman" but does that keep you "in love"? Link to post Share on other sites
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