Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) What a shift from this previous post. Your husband began dating and it became the end of world for you and as soon as you convinced your husband to give you another chance, you ain't so sure again. You were not afraid of losing your husband only afraid of losing your control over him. You don't want him but don't you want anyone else to have him. FWIW, I think you're right. My husband, does not agree, after spending the afternoon assimilating my/our feelings. Edit: Sorry if this pffends anyone or sends them wild with rage. I am/have been dissecting my feelings all day with my H. I love him, no doubt about that. But not in the way he wants me to. Still working through ehat we can together though... even if merely to make sense of it all... Edited July 1, 2012 by rheinhessen . Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 FWIW, I think you're right. My husband, does not agree, after spending the afternoon assimilating my/our feelings. Have you ended that affair yet? Sent off the email to your OM? If not, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Plan 9 from OS Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Becuase I cannot bare the thought of him loving someone else. I know he is dating, and I read on an online forum - that he has met a woman whom he likes and who likes him.. I cannot BARE the thought of another woman pleasing him... I was a cake eater... I feel like a cake eater.. I just want my husband back. I actually genuinely do - though I have been questioning myself for about a month now, this just pushed me over the edge and cleared a 'fog'.. Do your husband a favor and leave him alone. Let him get a chance to see if he really wants you back. Give him the opportunity to see if this new relationship that he has with this new woman is real. Let him have the opportunity to see how deeply he can develop feelings for this othere woman when they go out to dinner together and they gaze into each others eyes. Let him see if he can feel the same excitement and anticipation of growing a deeper love with this woman when they touch each other lovingly, when their caresses become more heated and they experience the lovers embrace where they become ONE. He deserves to see if he can find greater happiness by falling in love with another woman. I mean, you still have very strong feelings for the OM and you are avoiding the action needed to rip every fiber of this OM out of your (and your husband's) life completely and utterly. Clearly you are conflicted and still have the desire to be with the OM. Since you can't let the OM go, then do the right thing and let your husband go so that he can find a woman that will please him in every way possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 I agree with you all, I am no good for him and not deserving of him. Genuine thoughts on the matter. I am probably undeserving of OM too. Not a pity party, just actual facts. I am no good to anyone except my children. Being a loving mother is the only thing that comes naturally to me - and that's what I intend to concentrate on. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael Johnson Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 How about a little honesty here. You aren't worried about hurting either one of them. You're worried about hurting you. Hurting the other man? He knew what he was getting into. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 Hurting the other man? He knew what he was getting into. He knew whatever I told him. What I told him may not have been the absolute truth - though in my mind, when I told him, it was. Thus, I rationalized and justified a lot of untruths. I guess you could say I manipulated him to my own gain - which had a bearing on his decision to get involved with me. Yeah, I'm a piece of work. Sad, but true *ashamed* Link to post Share on other sites
Michael Johnson Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 He knew whatever I told him. What I told him may not have been the absolute truth - though in my mind, when I told him, it was. Thus, I rationalized and justified a lot of untruths. I guess you could say I manipulated him to my own gain - which had a bearing on his decision to get involved with me. Yeah, I'm a piece of work. Sad, but true *ashamed* That honestly doesn't mean nothing if he knew you were married. Whatever you told him in order to justify the affair doesn't matter. He knew you were off-limits but instead chose to get involved with you. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 That honestly doesn't mean nothing if he knew you were married. Whatever you told him in order to justify the affair doesn't matter. He knew you were off-limits but instead chose to get involved with you. Right? Correct. We had a lot of conflict within ourselves before we both gave in to our desires. It means very little, even less to my husband, but the fact remains. We knew it was wrong, we fought against it, told people we both knew who would be against it and talk us out of it and reason with us... Ultimately *I* pushed for our affair.. I accept full responsibility. I pursued and pursued and pursued until I got what I wanted. I seduced and I flirted and I did whatever was within my power to get to the man I desired other than my husband. Yeah, he could've been stronger willed and upheld his morals, but I pushed and pushed and pushed and I pushed.. and then I pushed some more until I got what what I wanted. I have never known or been any different. I am not bragging, this is just a fact. I am SHAMEFULLY persuasive and manipulative. I take ULTIMATE responsibility for this affair. Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Correct. We had a lot of conflict within ourselves before we both gave in to our desires. It means very little, even less to my husband, but the fact remains. We knew it was wrong, we fought against it, told people we both knew who would be against it and talk us out of it and reason with us... Ultimately *I* pushed for our affair.. I accept full responsibility. I pursued and pursued and pursued until I got what I wanted. I seduced and I flirted and I did whatever was within my power to get to the man I desired other than my husband. Yeah, he could've been stronger willed and upheld his morals, but I pushed and pushed and pushed and I pushed.. and then I pushed some more until I got what what I wanted. I have never known or been any different. I am not bragging, this is just a fact. I am SHAMEFULLY persuasive and manipulative. I take ULTIMATE responsibility for this affair. The stuff you just described is just mental foreplay. Basically lying to yourself knowing you're gonna bang the person and just heightening the sexual tension. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michael Johnson Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Correct. We had a lot of conflict within ourselves before we both gave in to our desires. It means very little, even less to my husband, but the fact remains. We knew it was wrong, we fought against it, told people we both knew who would be against it and talk us out of it and reason with us... Ultimately *I* pushed for our affair.. I accept full responsibility. I pursued and pursued and pursued until I got what I wanted. I seduced and I flirted and I did whatever was within my power to get to the man I desired other than my husband. Yeah, he could've been stronger willed and upheld his morals, but I pushed and pushed and pushed and I pushed.. and then I pushed some more until I got what what I wanted. I have never known or been any different. I am not bragging, this is just a fact. I am SHAMEFULLY persuasive and manipulative. I take ULTIMATE responsibility for this affair. You said you both "fought against it" but then stated you pursued him. Which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 The stuff you just described is just mental foreplay. Basically lying to yourself knowing you're gonna bang the person and just heightening the sexual tension. Sorry, I must be stupid. I don't get what you mean? Mental foreplay? Mental foreplay was not required... In another place, another time, another life... OM *IS* my soulmate, undeniable. You'd have to know me and know OM to understand this. There is something completely opposite about us, yet the same, we have lived an almost identical life; experienced the same things but in completely different ways - whatever. Whatever I'm saying is sounding like me justifying the affair. If he were a woman, we'd have been best friends; it's deep. The connection is *real* regardless of whether it's right. The fact is, is that this connection we have in the context we have it is wrong. We ARE fighting it... I know what's good for me; my husband. I know what's good for our children; myself and my husband together. I married my husband, I married him for a reason and he I. We MUST re-discover that. I am the first to admit that there is never just 'The One'. There are "many that could be The One'. My husband was 'The One' a some point for me... I desperately want and need to rediscover that before there's no going back, or I at least have to attempt it. As long as my husband is willing to come with me... I'm babbling, I've had a glass of wine or two. I am drained, emotionally. I realise there are a lot of spurned BS's out there, particularly commenting on my thread. I am not a bad person... I truly am not. I AM trying. I know what I need to do, but what I need to do and what I am capable of... I'm trying.. I know what's good for me. My husband is good for me. I am probably NOT good for my husband, but I'm trying to be, despite my to-ing and fro-ing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 You said you both "fought against it" but then stated you pursued him. Which is it? We met in November, started to get to know each other a little deeper in December... the following 2 months was us recognising what was developing and attempting twice to start NC before anything even happened, such as confession of feelings or kissing. Each time NC was initiated, I pursued actual contact of some description. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 ...Whatever I'm saying is sounding like me justifying the affair... ... I am not a bad person... I truly am not... Why do waywards act like they had no self control? This really bothers me. In the ten years with my ex I "felt the connection" or compatibility or lust or whatever the animal part of me was responding to.... But I IGNORED IT AND DIDN'T ACT ON IT. THAT'S WHAT BEING COMMITED MEANS. You don't suddenly stop being attracted to other people... You may stop seeking it out... But when it "just happens" you are supposed to have the integrity to chose the life and relationship that you set out with your partner. What is a "bad person" anyway? I would define someone as "being bad" when they deceitfully engage in a selfish behavior for thier own gain at someone else's expense. Would your affair fit that description? I say it does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 I assume the OM is also married with young children. Is that so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) I assume the OM is also married with young children. Is that so? You assume incorrectly. OM is unattached with no children. Edited July 1, 2012 by rheinhessen . Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 Why do waywards act like they had no self control? This really bothers me. In the ten years with my ex I "felt the connection" or compatibility or lust or whatever the animal part of me was responding to.... But I IGNORED IT AND DIDN'T ACT ON IT. THAT'S WHAT BEING COMMITED MEANS. You don't suddenly stop being attracted to other people... You may stop seeking it out... But when it "just happens" you are supposed to have the integrity to chose the life and relationship that you set out with your partner. What is a "bad person" anyway? I would define someone as "being bad" when they deceitfully engage in a selfish behavior for thier own gain at someone else's expense. Would your affair fit that description? I say it does. I already said I am ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE AND ACCEPT ALL BLAME FOR this affair. I was the person who pursued and pursued. I was the one who could not handle the periods of NC myself and OM attempted twice before anything even happened, purely because we knew something WOULD happen. I accept blame and responsibility. I could have helped myself, but I chose not to. That doesn't negate the connection that was and is there.. but *I* acceot responsibility for NOT controlling myself and NOT stopping. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 So your H KNOWS of your affair yet you didn't end it when you could have? You let it CONTINUE (even the past few days) knowing how much MORE hurt YOU cause your husband... THAT is not loving behavior. Since you ALSO state that you don't love your H the way he deserves - then I think you have already settled on your answer. Doing NOTHING to end it says it all! You don't INTEND for it to end - and that is just not right considering you're supposed to be married! Your H deserves better! HE should end the M now! If he has any self respect he will end it - especially since you haven't cut things off yet with your OM. You made the choice to see OM - YOU KNEW every Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 What is a "bad person" anyway? I would define someone as "being bad" when they deceitfully engage in a selfish behavior for thier own gain at someone else's expense. I guess I am bad when you phrase it/look at it like that. But really, in the ultimate grand scheme of things, I am NOT a bad person.. that's what I meant. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 You assume incorrectly. OM is unattached with no children. When you say unattached, was he attached when your affair began? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Have spoken to or emailed the OM to tell him that the A is over and to not contact you? Sorry to ask again. Ending it NOW is so important, if you try to get your husband back and the OM is still in your life, your H will divorce you. It's a wasted energy to get things back on track if OM is still there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 When you say unattached, was he attached when your affair began? Nope, the OM was not and never has been attached our entire relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rheinhessen Posted July 1, 2012 Author Share Posted July 1, 2012 Have spoken to or emailed the OM to tell him that the A is over and to not contact you? Sorry to ask again. Ending it NOW is so important, if you try to get your husband back and the OM is still in your life, your H will divorce you. It's a wasted energy to get things back on track if OM is still there. No, I have not done it, yet. That's not to say I won't. I have actually been heavily absorbed in discussing with things with my husband as well as caring for my 3 children, making dinner, washing school uniforms etc.. as of 30 minutes ago, is the first breather I have had to be able to sit down and compose, or begin to compose an email to OM - my husband realises this, as he has been with me since 10am this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) Then it simply comes down to choices and consequences. You made your choice to put your lust before your family's integrity. I guess that's why they invented divorce. You're hardly the first person to "change thier mind" on a unsuspecting spouse. Truly heartbreaking in my opinion. Do right by your kids and clear up your intentions towards your poor husband. You have put him in one of the worst hells possible. You have truly let him down, thrown away his dreams of his family life future, and forced him to "start over" in so many ways. Enjoy your new "Soulmate". May he turn out to be worth it. Edited July 1, 2012 by GLDheart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 Nope, the OM was not and never has been attached our entire relationship. So a single man had an affair with a married woman with three young children and has this single man proposed to you, is he prepared to be step dad to your children? Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 OP, I am truly sad for your situation. You traded in "secure love" for "fresh exciting romance". You traded your children's family home for a broken one. When the buzz wears off and the other man's minutia of annoying traits surfaces you will realize something.... You're right back where you started: a stable consistent relationship. IF YOU ARE LUCKY. This new guy could be a psycho... You don't even know yet. I guess you could always start something up with a third guy... Etc etc. In the end you may well end up full of regret for what you tossed away. Time will tell. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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