Am I wrong?

[everlastinglight]

This may be a long one, but I would appreciate opinions or advice.. or anything.

I've been in love with a married man for a year or so, and surprisingly enough, he initiated feelings from his side first. We'd known each other for about 7 years as family friends but it wasn't until recently that we realised and acted upon our feelings. I'd always had a slight 'school girl' crush that I never thought would escalate, though it seems neither of us could move on. And here's the catch - I am 18 and he's 40. Ever since knowing him, he's expressed unhappiness with his marriage, but never displayed intentions of leaving, especially due to them having a young daughter. Only recently have we discussed actual possibilities of him leaving his wife (obviously none of these thoughts were explored earlier as I was much younger and we never thought of each other in affectionate ways). He's discussed the divorce with her, and they've prepared the applications and discussed separation plans and all those necessary processes, though she doesn't know about me. There is so much history (I used to babysit their daughter in their home) and I feel immense amounts of guilt, but at the same time I find it hard to deny how I feel and what I truly want. Also being so close with these people for so long, I've noticed how she treats him and even just the type of person she is - forming my own negative opinion of her. I never forced nor demanded him to leave her, I only asked him to do what he truly felt he wanted and that I would stand by him.

Don't get me wrong, I never expected that this would be the direction my life would head, especially at such a young age. I know I've always been mature beyond my years, yet even I still occasionally find it difficult to grasp the reality of what I feel, why, and what's to happen next. He's serious about having a life together, telling me that it even shocks him that it took this long for him to find 'the one'. All the circumstances appear to be against us, but I've accepted that these are my decisions, this is my life, and I can choose to take this path to only see where it goes from here - until then I'll never know. I recently opened up to my sister, mum, and close friend about the situation. My friend and sister are 100% supportive as they see how passionately I feel about it all, and they've told me 'as long as I'm happy' they are too. However, my mum is finding it much harder to accept and understand and I don't know what else to do or say. I don't need her approval, but I would of course appreciate her support. She wants me to be happy too, but her mind is stuck with "he is a married man / have you considered all options / you should have more experiences in your life / you're young". I completely understand these thoughts from her, but I don't know how to make her understand that this is an experience in my life, one that I've chosen to have.

I feel like it's too late to turn back now and I know that I don't want to. I've invested so much of myself into this relationship, but I feel lost with my mum and confused about everything that's to come because we're moving fast - I know that there's probably no way I can prepare for any of it and no way to help people understand. I'm not stupid, I'm not naive, I'm not a child. I know what I want and I'm very much aware of my own decisions - I can only hope that it will all be worth it.

[Silly_Girl]

EL, I feel as though you don't really want to hear what the feedback is likely to be.

 

When you said 'schoolgirl crush' it wasn't a metaphor was it??!

 

Hon, you are too young for this man. Had you and he met on a college course or at a bar and he was footloose and fancy free, no baggage, I'd *still* say you're too young for him. His life experiences, expectations and aims are - and should be - so different from yours. He's looking for excitement and escapism and you've barely started life. You need to get a whole lot of stuff under your belt before you are likely to have a productive relationship with someone that much older than you. Go and live a little and when you've realised some dreams and are, say, 28, give him a call and see whether you and he (at 50) make a cute couple.

 

As for the fact he's married... Just don't go there. He must NOT use you as his excuse to leave. This could be a nasty experience for you if you get the blame or if he goes back to his wife (many men do). He needs to go away and sort out his own life on his terms, for himself.

 

You said you're not naive but I just read your post again and I think you *are* naive. Sorry. I think you've a lot more to consider before you do something rash.

[MissBee]

I agree with SG.

 

There is so much awry in this picture. I'm gonna be honest and say that I have no use for friends who say "As long as you're happy go ahead". I mean what? Your friends cannot control your actions, but for me, a friend is someone who will provide me with honest critique and feedback and point out pros, cons etc and who will have more to say than "As long as you are happy"...especially in such a situation, it seems like such sentiments are lackluster and way off the mark. But maybe your friend and sister are not as mature and truly have nothing else to contribute.

 

Your mom in this case has the response most people who are thinking clearly would have and most people here will say what your mom has said...sorry. It's not because mom is just trying to ruin your life and stop love...it's because a lot of women here, myself included have been young OW or been OW to MM and it did not turn out well at all.

 

I like you have always been mature beyond my years, but the truth is too that life experience and life stages does count a lot more than I wanted it to. I'm in my twenties now, at 17 I dated a 30 year old man and I also met my former AP when I was 17 and he was 8 years older than I was. Looking back I think something was awry with them for even wanting to date me. It was all fine and dandy to me back then because I was oh so mature...but the truth is, I was more carefree and wasn't planning on seriously altering my life for them, and I think that made it easy too, I was not as difficult as their real life, as I was not gonna be their wife and build a life together. You though are planning an actual life with this man, and not just fun and frolic. Your are talking about being with him, in a real relationship, post a divorce that is not as yet even real, with his kids, etc. At 18 years old that is too much IMO and a decision most would live to regret. I did fall inlove and did want a life with my AP...but I was also not ready. I realized dating way older men was because of my own daddy issues and it pushed me into a place where I thought I was ready for more than I really was. Now in my twenties, I would not date a 40 year old man!! At 17/18 though, I did talk to one who was around 46 too. The older the better it seemed back then. Now as I am more balanced, actually more mature for real, am further along and planning my own life and have resolved some of my issues...I realize I would like a man who is closer to me in age AND life stage to build a life with. I dated all these older men with children and more responsibilities than I was ready for and now I realize it is waaaayyyy too much! I'm young, I have no kids, I'm just starting out my life. I have the choice to choose what I want...why would I choose a MM with baggage and kids and all the lot. Why not choose someone I can grow with, who we're on similar tracks? Why would I want to date someone closer to my parents' age???

 

Most people won't approve, not just your mom. Your sister and friend may be the only people in your corner. His family and friends and ex-wife sure won't approve either I can bet. To be honest, for your sake, I hope he stays married or lets you down and wakes up to reality and realizes this won't work (like a lot of MM I do think he may very well stay married and let you down, which will be a blessing in disguise). As SG said he is looking to escape from his life with someone who could be his daughter. Even if single, a 40 year old planning a life with an 18 year old is most likely a recipe for disaster...much less a married one. You are hellbent on doing it though, and if so, I'm sure you will learn A LOT! I do say this in all seriousness with no ill-intent. I learned a lot from my A and other relationships at a young age that has altered my perceptions and how I live my life...for the better. They all came with hurt though. But such is life. Perhaps doing this now, as you go forward in the greater part of your life, you'll already have learned certain lessons and crossed certain bridges for the better. No one can stop you if you choose to do this...so all I can say is, please go to college still or still maintain YOUR life plans, whatever they are. Please use birth control and don't get impregnated by this man. Please be an independent woman who can and will leave him if you decide it is not right for you and please don't trap yourself in this situation by doing otherwise. In my twenties, I don't love or like a lot of the things I did at 18. I grew A LOT. Your brain doesn't even finish developing until 25....it is such a fickle time those years...so be mindful of that, as when the day comes that you want out...you should be able to have a way out.

Edited June 30, 2012 by MissBee

[everlastinglight]

elieve it or not, I appreciate everyone's replies and opinions, thank you.

I do have responses for the things everyone has pointed out and I can assume they'll be seen as defensive and stubborn. That said, I guess I have left a lot unanswered which is why I completely understand everyone's opinions.

 

He's currently in the process of inspecting apartments and moving his things out, I guess I am naive in thinking he won't return to his wife, but I also think every situation is different to the next. I have asked all those questions and assumed I'm just an escape - "Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I a fling?" - and I have made it clear that I'm still going to university (known to you as college) to complete my degree of arts & psychology (ironic hey), and maintain the life and goals that I want. I am also determined to walk and leave the situation if I find that things become too much for me to handle and if things turn out to be not what I expected. He knows that, and I'm strong enough to know I'm capable of doing it. Walking away now is hard, not just because of my feelings, but because he's still a close friend to me and I maintain that I'll support him from that aspect. We actually do share similar desires in life, I guess they're just at different ends of the same stick. I already am learning a lot, and I never said that I was prepared for what's to come. However, I can accept that things might turn ugly, that I might get burnt, that things will be too hard - I accept that I'll have no one else to blame but myself. As MissBee said 'they all came with hurt but such is life', hurt can help in defining a person and building strength - in the long run of course - and help with decisions. His family and friends actually *are* supportive and I suppose that's a factor that makes things at least appear easier.

I agree, I still do have a lot to consider before doing anything rash, I think that's part of the reason I chose to write about this and hear opinions from unbiased people. That said, I haven't done anything rash nor made any definite decisions as of yet. I have already made a lot of mistakes so far, though I haven't considered them regrets. If this turns out to be a mistake - one that I might even regret - I guess I too will later say I didn't like some things I did at 18, but I can't always assume the outcome of things before knowing for sure.

I don't, in any way, disagree with the things you've all said and I really am appreciative that you've taken the time to respond. I can only repeat that all situations are different, nothing is always black and white.

[BetrayedH]

elieve it or not, I appreciate everyone's replies and opinions, thank you.

I do have responses for the things everyone has pointed out and I can assume they'll be seen as defensive and stubborn. That said, I guess I have left a lot unanswered which is why I completely understand everyone's opinions.

 

He's currently in the process of inspecting apartments and moving his things out, I guess I am naive in thinking he won't return to his wife, but I also think every situation is different to the next. I have asked all those questions and assumed I'm just an escape - "Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I a fling?" - and I have made it clear that I'm still going to university (known to you as college) to complete my degree of arts & psychology (ironic hey), and maintain the life and goals that I want. I am also determined to walk and leave the situation if I find that things become too much for me to handle and if things turn out to be not what I expected. He knows that, and I'm strong enough to know I'm capable of doing it. Walking away now is hard, not just because of my feelings, but because he's still a close friend to me and I maintain that I'll support him from that aspect. We actually do share similar desires in life, I guess they're just at different ends of the same stick. I already am learning a lot, and I never said that I was prepared for what's to come. However, I can accept that things might turn ugly, that I might get burnt, that things will be too hard - I accept that I'll have no one else to blame but myself. As MissBee said 'they all came with hurt but such is life', hurt can help in defining a person and building strength - in the long run of course - and help with decisions. His family and friends actually *are* supportive and I suppose that's a factor that makes things at least appear easier.

I agree, I still do have a lot to consider before doing anything rash, I think that's part of the reason I chose to write about this and hear opinions from unbiased people. That said, I haven't done anything rash nor made any definite decisions as of yet. I have already made a lot of mistakes so far, though I haven't considered them regrets. If this turns out to be a mistake - one that I might even regret - I guess I too will later say I didn't like some things I did at 18, but I can't always assume the outcome of things before knowing for sure.

I don't, in any way, disagree with the things you've all said and I really am appreciative that you've taken the time to respond. I can only repeat that all situations are different, nothing is always black and white.

 

This one is black and white. There is no positive outcome here, just one young lady in a massive amount of denial. You don't need to go through this experience just like you don't need to whack yourself in the head with a hammer to know that it's a stupid idea. You most certainly can and should assume it's a bad idea. You think you are the exception to the rule. It turns out that thinking you are the exception IS the rule.

[Balzac]

Two words.

Reliable Contraceptive

[CarrieT]

I was there at your age (I was 17 and he was 37). That was over 30 years ago and it almost ruined my life.

 

In retrospect, I know that he was more interested in me because I was young flesh - not because we had some amazing intellectual connection (like I believed at the time). He told me all the stories about him leaving his wife and how special I was. You know what? I wasn't special and neither are you.

 

Sorry to be blunt. If there were a way for me to impart to you all that is in my brain, I would tell you to run away as fast as you can. Live your life without him for a while; grow up, explore who YOU are as a person without the complications of a man, and learn self-sufficiency.

 

I wish you the best...

[YellowShark]

Wow. A 40 year old hooking up with an 18 year old. That is sooooo wrong. On many levels.

 

When you eventually have a teenager everlastinglight you will understand how sick that is.

[knitwit]

I hope that you can come out of this relatively unscathed. Your MM, I think, is in for a much tougher ride. I don't know anything about you, so please know that I do not mean any of this about you, personally. But, you need to know that most people are going to look at the two of you romantically together and they are going to be seriously repulsed by your guy. This can ruin him.

 

You are young enough to be his daughter. Most people, when they see you together, are probably at first glance think that you ARE his daughter. This is likely the best outcome.

 

When they realize that you two are romantically linked- the most polite thought is likely to be "he lost his mind in the divorce." Most people are going to be much less polite.

 

Of course, you might look much older than your age, so the first glance might be deceiving- but your real age and the situation will get out. As the song says,"Everybody Talks"; this is especially true when it's about something scandalous. Your situation is scandalous in the truest sense of the word. It is way more than gossip- it is something that people who are parents will want to know about, but it will change how they look at and what they think about your guy.

 

People who are old enough to have daughters above the age of, say 10- and that is nearly his entire peer group- are going to disassociate with him. Please understand that even though you are mature for your age, to most people you are still really very young. There is something very disturbing about a 40 year old who is trying to romantically hook up with a 19 year old. A 19 year old is still experientially a child. Most adults are going to see you as a child and believe that your guy is a lacking a basic moral sense. In fact, a pretty large group is likely to see him as a predator.

 

If he has a lick of sense, he will not do the things that people normally do with their SO. For instance, if he cares about being perceived as a smart, sound, savvy person in his career, he will not bring you to a holiday office party (assuming he doesn't work for Penthouse or Playboy or similar). He is going to get looks any time he acts towards you in a loving manner just about anywhere in public such as the grocery, post office, library, etc. You two might be able to snuggle up together in a movie theater, but anywhere the lights are on is going to be problematic.

 

It might not seem like it to you, but there is a HUGE difference between a 19/20 YO and a 25/26 YO. A 25 YO is a consenting adult, not just an adult legally but also given life experience. Go out, go to University, have fun! Go out and live it up! Check back on your guy in a few years. 25 YO and 45 YO won't have the LETCH factor that your guy will face.

 

To me, his being married isn't the major factor. And that is saying something, because usually the "he's married" factor is the big one. I have serious reservations about any guy looking for such a young person. If you lived in my area, I think most of us would not have much of an issue with you. If I knew you in real life, I would think that you are just a young girl, who, as you said, had a "school girl crush" on an older and more sophisticated man. The man took advantage of you and was able to pretty easily sweep you off your feet. His leaving his marriage and young daughter for you would just cement in my mind that something within him was really off.

 

I wish you luck. You are entering what should be the most fun and care-free period of your life. I hope you go out and learn to be independent and on your own, maybe have a BF here and there, but just have fun building your life that you will be to share with someone later on.

[Furious]

I think you are torn, and your gut is questioning your heart, or why else would you be posting here if you were absolutely sure about this situation.

 

I'm sure you are intelligent and mature for your age in many aspects, but don't delude yourself that at the age of 18 you have life figured out.

 

If a man at the age of forty has a relationship with an 18 year old, you can be guaranteed his emotional level is way below his age.

 

Do not be fooled that he is more worldly and a man of experience, but likely a stunted adult trying to recapture his teenaged years because he can't live in the big boy world.

 

I have a feeling you are the one comforting him and mothering him, that you are the one giving him advice and being the shoulder he leans on

 

You mention your mother disapproving but you did not mention your father, is there a reason why you did not mention him?

Edited July 2, 2012 by Furious

[cocorico]

I'm less fazed by the age difference. When I was 17 I had a R with a 42 year old that W's greg while it lasted until I moved on. I don't think all women of that age are airheads and nor do I think men of 40 are necessarily in a different emotional space.

 

But in this case... I am more concerned because of the history. He has known you for 7 years? Since you were 11? To me, that's rather different than meeting an 18 year old and hitting it off. That's watching a kid become legal and harbouring indecent fantasies about her in the meantime. And, from your side, allowing your schoolgirl crush to become reality. That's not sustainable R material IMO, and from his side a little creepy.

 

That said, I would not tell you not to go for it. You are not the one who stands to lose here. You are 18, you'll outgrow him and move on when you're ready. He, on the other hand, will likely struggle, having given up his family for a dream he's been nurturing until you were decently old enough to express, and will find your inevitable leaving of him more difficult to deal with. He will need to learn that the hard way.

 

I do however caution you about starting your own family with him. You're likely to be stuck holding the baby whe you outgrow him and want to move on.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

We actually do share similar desires in life, I guess they're just at different ends of the same stick.

 

 

We already figured this part out on our own!!

 

 

As stated by others here, the major concern is his having known you since you were eleven and yet he is still approaching you in a sexual way.

 

Anybody who allows themselves to sexualize the child of a friend while that child is still a child has bigger problems than we tend to address at LS.

 

And we know you're soon to insist that his attraction to you went from non-existent to overwhelming upon the occasion of your 18th birthday, but the rest of us can tell that isn't the case.

 

One thing we need to remind you is that there is nothing wrong with a young woman being totally flattered and drawn TO the attention put upon her by an older male.

 

That is the nature of your greatest challenge here, which is recognizing how fully out-of-line this man has been, while at the same time validating the fulfillment you feel because of his attention.

 

Your mom's position in this relates entirely to how she perceived this "family friend" to have been respecting her family for all of these years, and now she has to find out that he and her daughter are (in your own words) "at different ends of the same stick" whenever and as long as it pleases (him).

 

 

We really can't use mere logic to dislodge the deeeeeeeeeeeeep and generally OK-for-you-to-have FEELINGS which you know for this guy, but be that as it may, you are still going down a path which you will deeply regret just as soon as his priorities (and his unsavory traits) need to reveal themselves along the way!

[nofool4u]

Am I wrong?

 

Yes, you are wrong.