M30USA Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Ask yourself this question: Would you still separate/divorce your spouse even if it meant being alone for the rest of your life? I know most people remarry, but I'm not asking that. I'm asking if you would still, hypothetically, end things with your spouse even if it meant a lifetime of being single. The reason this question is important is because it isolates how much of the problem is actually the spouse and how much is just the general state of the world. For example, a person might want to leave their spouse because they aren't happy, or because feel like they aren't treated as well as they should be, or because they feel there is someone better out there. But now compare not having your current/ex spouse with having no spouse at all forever. When you think of permanant singless, do you suddenly say to yourself, "Well then I'll just keep my current/ex spouse because he/she is still better than nothing," or do you say, "Gosh, my current/ex spouse has been such a bad spouse that I really would rather be alone permanantly." Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 If you are ever anything less than happy in a relationship or a marriage then either work on it (increased communication, counseling) or just end it. There are far worse things in life then to be single. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 After I caught my Ex cheating the marriage was over. A month later, she fell apart and desparately wanted to reconcile. We're talking about her screaming how stupid she was, pulling her hair out, hating herself, crawling around the apartment on her knees, begging me to tell her we could try again, with a typhon of crockodile tears I was still madly in love with her and I still thought that she was the most beautiful and sexy woman that I had ever met. She was the love of my life. I had given up on all of the women of the world, forever, so I could share my life and raise a family with her. And I still wanted to raise a family with her. I knew that this was my only chance of ever having a family. But I also knew that the trust was gone. I knew that a part of me would always be looking over my shoulder. And that slim lack of trust would eventually be our undoing. And that if we did have kids, there would come a day, when I would end up having to pay her big bucks to raise my kids. So why bother? We were eventually going to end up divorced anyway and I would end up living alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeska Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 That's the question I keep asking myself. I know that I don't want to get into another relationship if I decide to separate from my husband. Before I met him I had always thought I'd be single the rest of my life and I was pretty OK with that. Of course I'd love to work on our marriage but I don't know if my husband will ever change, and if he doesn't I can't be with him the rest of my life. He makes me feel so unappreciated and I often question how much he really cares about me. Every time we fight I'm the one who has to fix it because he just runs away from problems or acts like he doesn't care. Let me tell you our latest fight from last night: We went grocery shopping and when we got to the check-out I went through my purse trying to find some coupons (ended up being $5 worth). Meanwhile he unloaded all the groceries onto the conveyor belt. I then helped put the bags in the cart, pushed the cart to the car, helped load the car, and then helped put the groceries away. He then tells me it got him angry that I didn't help unload the groceries (since I was looking for my coupons). I was like are you kidding me?!? He said no, he wanted to let me know it ticked him off so I wouldn't do it again. I nearly fell over in shock. I am the one who does all the cleaning, laundry, dishes, and cooking around the house and I dedicate countless hours to this every week. I also did all the grocery shopping by myself for a couple months. He takes the trash out once a week and mows the lawn every few weeks, that's it!! And he had the nerve to complain that I didn't unload the cart with him??? And then he didn't understand why I got so angry. Talk about feeling unappreciated!!! How can I stay in a marriage with a man who's thinking is so backward and messed up? We have fights like this all the time and now I'm seriously considering leaving him because I can't do this anymore. I want him to see what his life is like without me because that's the only way he'll ever change. Don't get me wrong, we have good times too and I love him with all my heart, but I'm really starting to think my life would be better without him. I think I deserve a lot better. I'm sorry about that rant, but what he said to me last night has been eating me up all night. So, any advice based on what I've said so far? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 This litmus test also helps to cipher out legitimate abuse cases. If a person is truly being abused, then you'll be more likely to get a response saying, "I definitely would rather be alone." Whereas the cases of bad chemistry, boredom, or tough times would be more likely to make a person say, "Hmmm...I don't know...maybe I'd still rather have my spouse than be alone." Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 The thinking that you have to stay with someone because you will be alone forever keeps alot of people in unhappy marriages. Why would everyone be doomed to a life time alone? There are lots of divorced/single people in the world. Internet dating, etc has helped make it so that getting divorced does NOT doom one to a life of solitutde - unless you want it (which is perfectly ok). Dating is not easy, but neither is an unhappy marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 I have loved being single....but it took time alone to realize this. When I was first divorced and living alone, I thought it was a terrible prison sentence. I felt "lonely" and "isolated" and just plain "alone" But, because of my situation, I was alone a lot. And in being alone, I learned a lot of good things about myself. For example, I am my own best friend. I have a gift for the arts, and I can take care of myself financially. In fact, I am more finacially stable now, as a single girl, then I ever was in almost 20 years of marriage. Now, I am of the firm belief that everyone should live alone for at least a few years to really get a sense of who they themselves are. So yes, I would be outrageously happy to spend the rest of my life single, even though now I have chosen to have a relationship with someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Coopster, the point I am trying to make is that so many people consider "being alone for the rest of their life" this terrifically horrible alternative to staying in a crappy/bland/boring/unsatisfying marriage. Doomed to be alone? I am just pointing out that being alone for the rest of your life does not have to be this horrible thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I knew when I started thinking about divorce, that I had to be prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. Mainly because I don't think anyone is guaranteed relationships, so I never thought it was a given that I would find someone else. In the end, I decided that feeling lonely while single would be a heck of a lot better than feeling lonely while married. That said, I hope with all my heart that no one ever stays with me because I am "better than nothing." I would rather a person like that leave me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 I knew when I started thinking about divorce, that I had to be prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. Mainly because I don't think anyone is guaranteed relationships, so I never thought it was a given that I would find someone else. In the end, I decided that feeling lonely while single would be a heck of a lot better than feeling lonely while married. That said, I hope with all my heart that no one ever stays with me because I am "better than nothing." I would rather a person like that leave me. Best answer so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 When I was at the end of my first marriage, I was looking forward to living alone for the rest of my life. The thought of trying again with marriage made my blood run cold. I'm not scared of being alone. I like it a lot. But, I did get married again anyway. I agree that some very sick relationships are kept afloat out of fear of being alone, and in my opinion this is not a positive thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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